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My predictions for the show:
* Leyla Hirsch vs. Kris Statlander becomes a qualifying match for the AEW Women’s Title slot now that Thunder Rosa is injured. Statlander wins.
* The Brody Kingdom of Black Magic or whatever the fuck beats Death Triangle (with only two guys in it) and Erick Redbeard (wtf?) because TK will look at Buddy Matthews and see a second Kenny Omega. Erick Redbeard receives an invitation to join The House of Darkness and Pain after the match. The magic heels disappear. Erick sighs and shrugs before he magically disappears too.
* Hook destroys QT Marshall in a match that goes too long. Hook will be super-over despite not being that good.
* “Swerve” Shane Strickland enters the Face of the Revolution Ladder Match and wins because it is a SWERVE. Get it? Orange Cassidy is too lazy to climb the ladder and win at one point because he doesn’t care. Lol! He will hug someone and dive through a bunch of tables with them. Maybe Ricky Starks? Powerhouse Hobbs and Wardlow end up taking each other to set up MJF feuding with Team Taz. Christian Cage and Keith Lee look like they are going to be the last two guys fighting on the ladder. Christian sends the large man crashing down, but then AJ Francis and the other guy show up and push Christian off the ladder and help Swerve win. Swerve!
* Jade Cargill squashes Tay Conti in a match that still somehow goes too long. Jade will be over even though she isn’t very good. She shirt-fronts Tony Khan backstage and says it isn’t fair that Kris Statlander gets a title shot ahead of her. Tony apologizes and tells her he loves black people then asks if she has any weed.
* The Matt Hardy Box Office Bombs lose to Darby Allin, Sting & Sammy Guevara. Matt Hardy loses to Sting like this is 2012 TNA.
* Eddie Kingston defeats Chris Jericho but Jericho refuses to admit Kingston is the better man! That sonofabitch! Jericho eventually brings in Homicide y Hernandez to be his new muscle instead of Santana y Ortiz.
* CM Punk defeats MJF in the Dog Collar Match. Punk is moving into the main events while MJF has got Hobbs, Hook & Starks to take care of. But MJF has awoken something in CM Punk. Something dark and twisted. Something that likes Pepsi, cookies and adultery. CM Punk is coming for that anxious millennial cowboy and is going to give him something to be anxious and millennial about. Because when he wins the AEW World Championship, he might just take it to ROH or New Japan. The only thing sure about CM Punk is that nothing is for sure.
* The Young Bucks want to know which side Adam Cole is on. Adam Cole says he is on his own side tonight, because he’s got an opportunity to become the skinniest World Champion of all-time, finally breaking David Arquette’s record. His wife is going to beat Kris Statlander and one of The Elite teams just need to make sure Jungle Boy isn’t a champion at the end of the night.
* Britt Baker cuts a promo ripping on Thunder Rosa for being injured while they change the canvas. She doesn’t what to catch whatever Punk has. Kris Statlander comes out. They certainly don’t treat the women like piss-breaks in AEW. Tony Khan comes out and makes an announcement, however. He’s adding someone to the match! It’s SUMIE SAKAI! SUMIE SAKAI IS HERE!!! Can you believe it?! Sumie Sakai, Britt Baker and Kris Statlander have a match. Britt Baker wins and runs off with her title, obviously scared of Sumie Sakai.
* Bryan Danielson and Jon Moxley wrestle to a 30-minute draw. It is clear they have earned each other’s respect. There’s a handshake. Is Danielson displaying…Honor?!
* Shane Strickland drops a rap with Strike Row. They take aim at Christian Cage, Jungle Boy, Keith Lee, The Acclaimed and the Fed, because Fed bad.
* Jonathan Gresham is here to watch the main events from a sky box, by the way. He’s hanging out with Jay Lethal and Top Flight, Christopher Daniels, Frankie Kazarian and Serena Deeb. Speculation abounds as to who is ROH-bound, who is AEW-bound and just who is Jonathan Gresham?
* The Young Bucks win the AEW World Tag Team Titles when Kenny Omega shows up and cheers them on. He’s a friend that has always been there for them. Luchasaurus is put in bubble-wrap for most of the match.
* Adam Page retains the AEW World Title when he hits a DeadEye, a Buckshot Lariat a DeadEye followed by another Buckshot Lariat. Such awesome moves include a Buckshot countered into a superkick and a Panama Sunrise countered into a DeadEye. So smooth. So good. 11 stars.
Best Match on the Card: All the matches were the best match, and if you said that any of them was the greatest match of all-time, then you would be right.
Least Good Match: Jade Cargill vs. Tay Conti. But that was short so you can’t say it wasn’t awesome.
Match Ratings:
Ladder Match *****
TBS Title **
HBO vs. Sting Army ***1/2
Jericho/Kingston ***3/4
Punk/MJF *****
Women’s Title **3/4
Danielson/Mox *****
Tag Titles *****1/2
World Title ***********
Last edited by Mr. Nerfect; 03-05-2022 at 09:13 PM.
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