'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse
The stockings were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Rattlesnake soon would be there
The workers were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of title shots danced in their heads
And Linda in her kerchief, and I in my cap
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter
I sprung from the bed to see what was the matter
Away to the window I flew like a flash
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash
The moon on the breast (
breast) of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below
When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But a huge monster truck and eight tiny lite beers
With a big ol' bald driver, so drunken and peeved
I knew in a moment it must be St. Steve
More rapid than eagles his curses they came
And he whistled and shouted and sullied their names
"
[Bleep] Hunter
[Bleep] Michaels, that injury-faker
[Bleep] Angle
[Bleep] Rocky,
[Bleep] The Undertaker
[Drunken, incoherent rambling]
[Drunken, incoherent rambling]"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky
So up to the house-top the Bigfoot it flew
With the sleigh full of beers and St. Rattlesnake too
And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The pancing and pawing of size-13 hoofs
As I drew in my hand and was turning around
Down the chimney St. Rattlesnake came with a bound
He was dressed in camo, from his head to his foot
And his clothes were all tarnished with beer stains and soot
A thirty-pound keg he had slung on his back
And he looked just like I did when I fired Rodney Mack
His eyes -- they were beady! His breath was quite scary
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry
His droll little mouth was as pointed as a crow's
And the beard on his chin was as brown as Jean's nose
The lid of his can he held tight in his teeth
And the beer left a stain that looked quite like a wreath
He had a long face, and his boots were so smelly
They made my grapefruits shake like a bowl full of jelly
Uh... I'm going to quit now before it gets worse. Ah, hell, I'll just skip to the end.
But I heard him exclaim, as he Stunnered my jaw
"Happy Christmas to all, don't break the damned law!"