[Corkscrewed]

The boys cheer as Jackie’s top accidentally falls down.

HAAS: (still in a drunken stupor) “Oh… yeah… baby… Girls, show Charlie all of your thesies!” (falls on Torrie and Christy and gropes them in the same over-the-shoulder way)

KIDMAN: “Hey! Leave your hands off of my wife!!!”

HAAS: “Oh…. Pbbbbbt… she’s yours? Haha! She’s… pretty.”

KIDMAN: (climbing on top of a table) “I’m warning you!!!!”

HAAS: “Oh yeah? Watch this.” (proceeds to touch each referenced part of Torrie’s body as he says the words) “Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner fudge is made. Heheheheheheh!!”

KIDMAN: “Oh that’s it!!!”

Enraged, Kidman hurls himself at Haas, twisting backwards out of habit, but having gained absolutely no air on his jump, he lands right on Michelle, who had been standing a bit in front of Charlie, instead.

MICHELLE: “Ow my neck!”

PAUL LONDON: “Pfffft… loser.”

Paul climbs on the same table and hits a beautiful shooting star press on top of Kidman, further squashing Michelle.

MICHELLE: “Ow my spleen!!”

Not to be outdone, AJ Styles decides to do a Spiral Tap onto top of the mess of bodies.

MICHELLE: “Ow my ovaries!!!”

With nothing else to do, the Dudley Boys cart the wreck out of the room. Meanwhile, Haas puts an arm around Torrie’s shoulder and a hand on her breast.

HAAS: “C’mon baby, lets get out of here.”

TORRIE: “Get off!!” (heaves Charlie off, only to find Kenzo making smooching motions and noises at her; Torrie immediately retreats under the arms of Haas) “Lets go.”

JACKIE: (placing herself under Charlie’s feeling hands) “Can I join as well?”

HAAS: (managing to take a swig of vodka) “Suuurrrrre… we can… can haf what dey call in Frrrance a…. a manager tra!!! HIC! Hehe…”

The two divas and Haas stumble out of the room, passing Shelton Benjamin.

SHELTON: “Man, must have been having it rough these past few months. Boy am I glad to be IC champ!

DUPREE: “He may be drunk as a mule, but it looks like tonight, he will be using his… how do you say it… super-sized French fry?”

SHELTON: “Hey! Renee! How have you been getting along over on that place I used to wrestle at?”

DUPREE: “You mean SmackDOWN!? Oh, it’s been okay. It’s had its ups and bruises.”

SHELTON: “Oh.”

Suddenly, a voice pierces the conversation.

BOB HOLLY: “You! I thought I said I never wanted to see your stinking maggot carcass again!!!”

DUPREE: “Oh shitzu.”

BOB HOLLY: “You cocky non-dues-paying sonofabitch! I’m gonna give you a beating you won’t soon forget, or my name wasn’t Sparkplug Bob Holly!!!”

Holly makes a lung at Dupree, how ducks under it and starts to run away. Bobcore gives chase but stops when a challenging voice interrupts.

PUDER: “Hey! You! Yeah, you’re a bully aren’t you? How about you teach me a lesson, cuz I didn’t pay any dues and I got a million dollars. That’s like… more than you’ve earned in your entire career here! Hahahaha!”

BOB HOLLY: “You ungrateful little wench! I’ll teach you!!!”

Holly takes a couple of swings at Puder and then pounces on top of the kid, but five seconds later is tapping out violently to rear naked choke-hold.

BOB HOLLY: “Owowowowow!!! It hurts!!!! Make him stop!!!”

PUDER: “Say uncle you stupid bastard!!!”

BOB HOLLY: “Uncle uncle uncle!!!

CARLITO COOL: (interjecting himself into the fight) “Guys! Guys! Guys! Calm down! Das not cool, hurting dis man right here.”

Winking at Puder, Carlito bends and helps Holly up, but the veteran is too much in pain to do much standing. Cradling Holly in a gordbuster position, Carlito makes a heave as if to lift Hardcore onto his feet, but in the middle of it, he seems to overshoot the maneuver, bringing Holly upside down. Suddenly aware of his mistake, Carlito freaks out and drops Hardcore right on his head.

BOB HOLLY: “OW MY NECK! My legs! I can’t feel my legs!!!”

CARLITO: “Uh…..”

Biting into an apple, he backs away, then runs out. The last people he pass, however, glimpse a slight smile on his lips as he mouths something about “being for Jesus.” Meanwhile, Vince pushes his way through the gathered crowd.

VINCE: “What the hell is going on here? Bob? What are you doing on the ground? What happened to you?”

BOB HOLLY: “Ack! Puder and Carlito did this!”

VINCE: “Puder and Carlito? You mean you got beat up by two rookies?”

BOB HOLLY: (realizing what it would do to his reputation if he admitted it) “What? Oh hell no. I must have been out of it… I slipped. That’s what happened. I fell. And my neck really hurts.”

VINCE: “Uh…huh… is that what really happened Dupree?”

DUPREE: “Oh yeah. He fell alright.” (lowering his voice to a whispering snicker) “Fell to two rookies!!!”

The crowd tries to suppress its laughter as paramedics arrive and strap Holly onto a gurney Vince accompanies the crew out, but before he leaves, he turns around, a set of keys in his hand.

VINCE: “I’m gonna accompany poor Hardcore to the hospital. In the meantime, I name John Heidenreich in charge of the party until I get back.”

He closes the doors. Shannon Moore and Rey Mysterio, understanding what Vince has in mind, spring to action and run towards the doors, trying to prevent a complete closure, but they are a second too late, as the lock ratchets right before they can slam the doors open.

SHANNON: “Crap!”

STYLES: “Dude, he just named someone else in charge. What’s the panic?

Heidenreich approaches the podium.

SHANNON: (in a panic) “Oh man, you’ve never been locked in the same room with John have you? He reads his poetry to you!”

DDP: “But that’s not a bad thing… it’s a GOOD thing!”

REY: “No it’s not. His poetry is worse than listening to me rap in Spanglish!”

HEIDENREICH: “Listen up!! This is a poem!! By Heidenreich!!!”

SHANNON: “Crap! Crap! Crap! Hey Viscera! You’re a big guy! Charge this door and try to knock it down like a battering ram!!”

HEIDENREICH: “The PAIN! Which I possess!! Is incomprehensible!! To thee!!!”

VISCERA: “Ok.”

REY: “Hurry!!”

HEIDENREICH: “I guard!!! Myself!!! In deep, deep, AGONY!!!”

Viscera lines up as the other wrestlers clear a path. With a war cry, he charges towards the door, but slams into the solid, oaken panels face first, knocking himself out. The doors, reinforced and might strong, hardly budge.

HEIDENREICH: “I SIT! Alone! In self contemplation!!! I never! Experience! Any type of elation!!!”

SHANNON: “Dammit! Show! You’ve been known to rip out doors! Help us out!!!

DDP: (cringing as he hears the lines) “Yeah. I’m starting to agree. That poetry’s not a good thing… it’s a bad thing!”

In the corner, Big Show, a huge rack of meaty ribs in hand, looks up at the cries. He tries to utter a questioning reply despite a completely stuffed mouth.

BIG SHOW: “Mmb dib oo shy?”

REY: “What? Swallow that food dammit!”

HEIDENREICH: “The nights! Spent lying! In self wallowing pity!!!”

BIG SHOW: “I said what did you say?”

SHANNON: “I said get over here and help us knock down this door, because you’re huge and strong!!”

HEIDENREICH: “No one! Hears my cries! All over the city!!!”

BIG SHOW: “Sorry, can’t do. Eating some delicious baby back ribs.”

REY: “BABY back ribs? What kind of baby is that huge???”

BIG SHOW: (with an innocent expression across his face) “Baby elephants…”

HEIDENREICH: “My thoughts!! Echo!!! Only in!! My BRAIN!!!”

SHANNON: “Aw crap, this is hopeless!!!”

HEIDENREICH: “Those people! They point! They call me INSANE!!!”

REY: “Wait, I know! Hey problem solver! Give us a solution to this mess!!!”

TOMKO: “Guh…. Buh?” (shrugging shoulders)

HEIDENREICH: “My only! Consolation! Is to write these dear words!!!”

SHANNON: “Dammit, now we’re really screwed!!”

HEIDENREICH: “I will make!!! Them pay!! Those dumb bullying turds!!!”

EVERYONE ELSE: “AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!”

Fade to two hours later, with most people either on the floor cringing in trauma or fast asleep.

HBK: (mumbling in his sleep) “No Hunter it’s too big to fit!”

BOOKER T: (also sleeping) “Mrm mrm… can you suck it, digga?”

TAZZ: (dreaming) “I was once ECW champion… Kill metrosexuals… Survive if I let you…”

HEIDENREICH: (still reading his poem) “And SO! I tell all of you!!! My vengeance!!! Won’t be askew!!!”

The doors suddenly open, rousing most of the party-goers, and Vince strolls in, seemingly unaware that everyone except for Heidenreich had been sleeping over the past two hours.

VINCE: “Well, I’m back!”

EVERYONE: (groggily) “Huh… oh… yeah, yeah…”

Noting everyone’s expressions and glancing at Heidenreich, Vince immediately discerns the situation and approaches the podium.

VINCE: “John. John! It’s okay! You’re done now!!!”

HEIDENREICH: (too engrossed to hear) “With Heyman by my side!! I will at last be able to RIDE!!! The chariot of rage!!! To destroy all that—”

VINCE: “JOHN!!!”

HEIDENREICH: “…stand like a dumb sage!!”

VINCE: “John! There’s a guy from poetry.com at the first floor waiting to give you an award!”

HEIDENREICH: “Poetry.com??? WHY DIDN’T YOU SAY SO???”

John leaps up and runs straight out of the room. Bypassing the elevator, he races down the emergency stairs instead.