I don't wish any of the poll's choices upon Triple H. However what I do wish... (I have too much time on my hands folks, and I really like parodies
)
(It is a magical scene as snow is falling around the city. Fires are crackling, chestnuts a-roasting, and an angry Scrooge-like HHH sits by the fire, doing the booking.)
Kurt Angle walks in.
Kurt: "Hey Hunter!"
HHH: "Hey Kurt. I'm kind of busy right now, but I have a sec. What's up?"
Kurt: "Well, I was wondering if there was any way I could win this year's rumble. It'd be the perfect way to get me back in the swing of things. And plus, I promised all those troops I'd win it... I don't wanna look like a liar..."
HHH: "I've already buried you Kurt, it's Benoit's turn."
Kurt: "But... Where's your Christmas Spirit?!"
HHH: "BAHHHHHHHHHUHHHHHHHHHHHH HUMBUGGGGGUHHHHHHH."
Kurt Walks out, head hung low.
HHH laughs to himself, thinking of how ridiculous a request that was from Angle. He goes back to doing his booking, and had just finished making Spike Dudley vs. Kane and The Undertaker. Booker T walks in.
Booker: "Hey sucka! What's the dilly?"
HHH: "Hey Booker, what's happening. I was just about to take a break, so tell me what's on your mind."
Booker: "Well, I was wondering if you could book me against Randy Orton and try an angle there. We're at about the same level of the card lately, and I think we could work some good matches together. I'm not asking for the IC title or anything, but I want a real feud."
HHH: "Excellent idea Booker. But the problem is, is Mick Foley is feuding with him at the moment."
Booker: "What about after Wrestlemania? My thing with Kane ain't going to go anywhere, considering The Undertaker an' all."
HHH: "Well, I had big plans for you after Wrestlemania actually..."
Booker's eyes light up like a child's. "Really?" He smiles.
HHH: "Yeah. You're going to be the next part of Teddy Long's stable. You and the Coach will make an awesome tag team."
Booker: "DAMN SUCKA! That's like my worst nightmare! Awww man, why you gotta do this?! It's the holidays!"
HHH: "Would you prefer another title shot from me? *Smile*"
Booker leaves the room.
HHH enjoys a warm cup of hot chocolate, laughing at the booking proudly. Until he hears a strange sound... "Ohhhhhhhhhhh yeeeeeeeeeeuh..." He whips around his head. To see the Ghost of Christmas Past! It's Macho Man Randy Savage!
HHH: "What the fu-_!? I didn't know you were dead!"
Macho: "Have you heard my rap album brother? This is about as dead as it gets."
HHH: "I guess you have a point... *Kinda freaked out*"
Macho: "Anyway brother, I'm not just the Macho Man anymore... I'm the ghost of Christmas Past!"
HHH: "..."
Macho Man takes HHH to the past, where a McMahon didn't involve everything, shows him clips like... Hogan doing the job to the Warrior, Razor Ramon putting over the 1-2-3 Kid (but then, he suddenly stops, arguing the point that if Hall hadn't been so willing, X-Pac might not have been born.)
Macho: "Bad example. But you get the idea."
HHH: "BAHHHHHHHHHHHHUHHHHHHHHH HUMGUGGGGGGUUUUUUUUH."
Macho Man vanishes with a sad look on his face.
HBK walks in. The two embrace in a long, passionate kiss and make love by the fire. Six hours later:
HHH: "Hey, what's up!"
HBK: "Not much. Look, I'll keep it quick, I know you're busy. I just wanna Superkick the hell out of Lesnar on SmackDown for no reason at all. Then never appear on the show, and not even have Brock say anything about it."
HHH: "No problem!"
HBK exits, but not after turning around with a sudden urge of passion and hugging HHH.
Ultimo Dragon walks in.
HHH: "..."
Ultimo: "Hi."
HHH: "Who are you?"
Ultimo: "I'm the newest member of Evolution. I was just wondering if I could do some spot matches with Rey. Possibly a feud."
HHH: "Sure, no problem. When did you join?"
Ultimo: "Yesterday..."
HHH: "Ok, what's the password, if you're part of Evolution?"
Ultimo: "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
HHH: "Haha, wrong, it's Buhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Nice try though. Go get me a hot dog."
Ultimo: "Damn!"
Ultimo snaps his fingers and walks out.
HHH begins to mumble about random things, but after mumbling, he begins to hear "What?" after everything he mumbles... he whips around to see Steve Austin right in his face, who flips him both birds, kicks him in the gut, and goes for the stunner! But HHH doesn't budge.
Austin: "Non-sellin' SOB."
HHH: "You're a ghost, I didn't feel it..."
Austin: "Oh. Well that ain't important. I'm the ghost of Christmas Present. You're breaking the law, and that's Stone Cold's law. You need to start selling to everybody and you need to drop that belt."
HHH: (Laughing) "Or what? You'll shoooooooooot me? You'll get your little cap gun and take me to jailllllllllllll?"
Austin begins to show HHH how Austin was the icon of the WWF for a while, and how he kickstarted a new wrestling era, but even he was not too good to do the job, and he shows him the Wrestlemania XIX video.
HHH: "Well, I mean... Ah hell. Maybe you have a point Austin. But I am still the game, I am still the best in this business today, and---"
(27 hours later)
HHH: "------UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Austin shakes his head and leaves.
HHH is actually having a moral dilemma by now. He is starting to feel bad for all the people he has buried. He looks at his books, but decides selfishly that it is too late to change them now, when suddenly...
The lights go out and this funky weird music hits, no one has any clue who it is...
City lights are shining, helicopters flying...
And all the sudden The Rock's theme music hits. And he appears in front of HHH, looking exactly as a ghost 50 years from now as he looks today! Bald!
HHH: "Wha..."
The Rock: "Whoawhoawhoawhoa, let The Rock talk. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. You are burying everyone in the company. You are burying EVERYONE. I was the only survivor. I was the ONLY one you never buried, because you see, The Rock is not a roody-poo jaborni. Oh no-no. The Rock is smart. You see, The Rock has learned from countless Wrestlemania title match losses to you. The Rock goes to make MOVIES when you go on your ego-sprees. But The Rock is lonely in the future, jabroni. (The Rock continues to dance circles around HHH with his mic skills.)
HHH: "But I..."
The Rock: "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK. Just listen to The Rock, and listen like you've never listened before. The Rock has put over just about everyone there is. BUT YOU WON'T EVEN PUT OVER BENOIT? WHAT THE HELL? Benoit trained in the DUNGEON. Benoit has mat skills like you have Vince's daughter everyone. What's wrong with you? The ROCK has jobbed to Benoit. Kurt ANGLE has jobbed to Benoit. JERICHO has jobbed to Benoit. ABOUT EVERY OTHER NON HOSS HAS JOBBED TO BENOIT. So let The Rock leave you with this, before you go and make your little book final, before you go and let your ego ruin the entire show, remember, that even if you don't job in the ring, we all know you do "the job" with Vince McMahon every night."
Rock climbs on the chair and throws his arm in the air and looks around. (Crickets chirp, but this still somehow gratifies him and he leaves.)
HHH is set back in his chair! He bursts into tears! "A-buh-buhbuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! BUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" His crying is so loud, that Benoit walks in. Benoit comforts HHH.
Benoit: "Man, what's wrong?"
HHH looks up to Benoit with his lip quivering.
Benoit: "Look, I have come to terms with the fact that my push is going nowhere. As long as I can entertain the fans out there, I guess that's good enough for me. As long as they scream when I go for a flying headbutt, or make a giant tap to the crippler, that's good enough for me. I'm glad I won the Rumble."
HHH bursts out into tears harder!
HHH: "No Benoit! Never again! I will give you the clean job at WM20! I will TAP OUT to the crippler while EARL HEBNER is CONSCIOUS and sees it! You will win the belt."
A toothless Benoit smiles like a little boy who has realized his dream, and they have a big hug. Sean O'Haire begins weeping at the dramatic change of events in the corner, and goes to exit his cage, but is immediately zapped by a cow prod.
What a happy ending!