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**Ultra Mantis** · 05-25-2019, 04:07 PM

Look at this dickhead. Why does he feel the need to use an entire bedsheet as his regulation military cape? Because he's the fucking WORST. Nobody else in the whole game wears their cape like that, even the bitchy goth gurl has a more modest, less attention seeking cape. Nobody wants to give you their attention Machina, you absolute shitlord.

The girl he is pictured with, Rem, grew up in the same village, which was burned to the ground and because this is final fantasy, the trade off for being able to use magic is that once you die nobody remembers anything about your existence. So you'd think these two, being the only survivors, would be really close. That's incorrect. Machina is a fucking creep and Rem knows it.

Asshole spends the entire game cockblocking the entire cast, making sure they know only he is allowed to care about Rem and even threating violence against the entire class when one character becomes concerned about her TERMINAL ILLNESS.

Major story

SPOILER: show

He is fed a lie by a villain that the rest of the class killed his brother (who of course, he doesn't even remember and therefore is not a motivating factor, also not true), which makes him even more hostile to everyone else, so far as becoming a spy for the corrupt military commandant. A role which sees him provide such valuble insight as, "I HATE CLASS ZERO, THEY ARE JUST FOLLOWING YOUR ORDERS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY KILLED MY BROTHER. WHAT WAS HIS NAME? WOW. I HOPE MY SPYING IS USEFUL TO YOU AND THEY ALL DIE BECAUSE I AM THE WORST"

He becomes so obsessed with the idea of Rem remembering him that he decided to become a L'Cie (yep, from FFXIII, here nobody forgets a L'Cie because how could you forget about Lightning?) just so Rem won't forget him when he dies. Oh, but he becomes a L'Cie WORKING FOR THE FUCKING BAD GUY'S SIDE BECAUSE DEAR GOD HE IS THE FUCKING WORST. So he is not even playable during the two largest scale missions, not that you'd want to play as him anyway, but way to contribute. Great playable character.

As you enter the point of no return, Machina decides he's going to just leave for good. Shortly afterwards, Rem's TERMINAL ILLNESS nearly finishes her off, but in desperation she accepts an offer to become L'Cie for the good guys. So guess what? Wearing a mask, that while hiding his idendity but in no way obscuring his vision, Machina then proceeds to BRUTALLY FUCKING MURDER REM. (Rem not wearing a mask by the way. Rem still wearing her uniform. Guess she should have worn a BIGGER FUCKING CAPE?). He then takes off his mask and cries about it as she bleeds to death, as if he hadn't just done it with his own two hands and isn't the biggest piece of shit in video games history.

Oh and then the whole class, who he was a dick to the entire time, sacrifice themselves in order to create a new world free of War and Machina and Rem somehow get resurrected and Machina is hailed as King of the new world, marries poor Rem and dies peacefully of old age in some truly unfathomable bullshit writing. FUCK.

He really is the worst.

05-25-2019, 04:07 PM	#3928
Ultra Mantis Grim Fandango Posts: 5,192	Look at this dickhead. Why does he feel the need to use an entire bedsheet as his regulation military cape? Because he's the fucking WORST. Nobody else in the whole game wears their cape like that, even the bitchy goth gurl has a more modest, less attention seeking cape. Nobody wants to give you their attention Machina, you absolute shitlord. The girl he is pictured with, Rem, grew up in the same village, which was burned to the ground and because this is final fantasy, the trade off for being able to use magic is that once you die nobody remembers anything about your existence. So you'd think these two, being the only survivors, would be really close. That's incorrect. Machina is a fucking creep and Rem knows it. Asshole spends the entire game cockblocking the entire cast, making sure they know only he is allowed to care about Rem and even threating violence against the entire class when one character becomes concerned about her TERMINAL ILLNESS. Major story SPOILER: show He is fed a lie by a villain that the rest of the class killed his brother (who of course, he doesn't even remember and therefore is not a motivating factor, also not true), which makes him even more hostile to everyone else, so far as becoming a spy for the corrupt military commandant. A role which sees him provide such valuble insight as, "I HATE CLASS ZERO, THEY ARE JUST FOLLOWING YOUR ORDERS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY KILLED MY BROTHER. WHAT WAS HIS NAME? WOW. I HOPE MY SPYING IS USEFUL TO YOU AND THEY ALL DIE BECAUSE I AM THE WORST" He becomes so obsessed with the idea of Rem remembering him that he decided to become a L'Cie (yep, from FFXIII, here nobody forgets a L'Cie because how could you forget about Lightning?) just so Rem won't forget him when he dies. Oh, but he becomes a L'Cie WORKING FOR THE FUCKING BAD GUY'S SIDE BECAUSE DEAR GOD HE IS THE FUCKING WORST. So he is not even playable during the two largest scale missions, not that you'd want to play as him anyway, but way to contribute. Great playable character. As you enter the point of no return, Machina decides he's going to just leave for good. Shortly afterwards, Rem's TERMINAL ILLNESS nearly finishes her off, but in desperation she accepts an offer to become L'Cie for the good guys. So guess what? Wearing a mask, that while hiding his idendity but in no way obscuring his vision, Machina then proceeds to BRUTALLY FUCKING MURDER REM. (Rem not wearing a mask by the way. Rem still wearing her uniform. Guess she should have worn a BIGGER FUCKING CAPE?). He then takes off his mask and cries about it as she bleeds to death, as if he hadn't just done it with his own two hands and isn't the biggest piece of shit in video games history. Oh and then the whole class, who he was a dick to the entire time, sacrifice themselves in order to create a new world free of War and Machina and Rem somehow get resurrected and Machina is hailed as King of the new world, marries poor Rem and dies peacefully of old age in some truly unfathomable bullshit writing. FUCK. He really is the worst.