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Old 11-12-2021, 01:44 AM   #1
Taller than Adam Cole
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Vastardikai books the best (?) Full Gear possible.

Disclaimer: if you read either of the first two of these I've done, you are awesome and I love you. Also, you know what's going on. If you haven't read them, you should, then I will love you as well. Also, I am blatantly taking the piss. And I am absolutely going to hell for many of the jokes here.

The Show opens with "The Forbidden Door" Tony "Big Balls" Khan. He nervously dedicates the show to Jon Moxley, who is in rehab for his alcohol addiction. He toasts the man with a White Claw.

First match is Thunder Rosa and Hikaru Shida vs. Jamie Hayter and her tag team partner, who is debuting a new gimmick. She is now known as Not Rebel, Not Reba, Not Rebecca, but Rhonda. Believe it or not, there is actually some decent talent in AEW's women division. But none of them are Britt Baker, so who gives a shit? By the way, don't you just hate Charlotte for hogging the spotlight in WWE? Rhonda pins Thunder Rosa, clean as a sheet, because fuck anyone in the women's division who isn't Britt Baker that is over with our crowd.

-1 is laying in the Dark Order's Dressing Room. He isn't feeling well, and is complaining about being thirsty. Mrs. Huber doesn't pay him much mind, as she wears a "#1 Widow" shirt. Vickie Guerrero is kind of annoyed by the display. Mei Suruga is shown being led to Kenny Omega's dressing room on a leash by Emi Sakura. Mei's smile implies that she's happy to be there. Her eyes, however, say that she's in danger. However, she always looks like that, so maybe it's just weird genetics, or maybe she really is in danger.

Adam Cole (Bay Bay) walks through the locker room, pouring a large bottle of water over his head, to maintain his permanently wet hair look. He sees the Bucks, who are trying to come up with a way to incorporate Astroworld into a future segment of BTE.

Bryan Danielson vs Miro is next. Miro does a pre-match promo honoring Moxley, who is in rehab for his alcohol addiction. He does a shot of vodka in his honor. They have a very good match, until Danielson passes out from Dehydration. Miro, trying to figure out what happened, locks on the "Game Over." and wins. Surprisingly, that was the planned outcome. When he finally gets fluids put back into him, Danielson, upon hearing it was a good match, decided that this was satisfactory.

This is quickly followed up by the Lucha Brothers vs FTR. I forgot both of those guys were still under contract. So did everyone else. A "Let's Go Brandon" Chant breaks out, and the crowd pans to the former Karrion Kross in the front row. Nobody recognizes him, because Scarlett isn't there. A quick cut to the back, where Brandon Cutler is giddy as a school girl, because he thinks the chants are for him. Anyway, Lucha Brothers win, and we'll see them again in about a month and a half.

Sonny Kiss, Joey Janella, and Fuego Del Sol have an intense staredown at catering. No one knows what it's about, because that involves watching 16 hours of YouTube and no one's got time for that. Samuray del Sol pops into view and says, "First Time stuck in catering?" All three tell him to fuck off in unison. By the way, the table is nothing but various hot dogs. For some reason, there are no beverages at catering. Adam Cole (Bay Bay) walks by and pours another large bottle of water on his head, because his hair was drying out, again.

CM Punk enters the Dark Order's locker room. Security rushes in and ushers Colt Cabana into a broom closet. Punk figures out which member will be the next on he beats on Rampage before he sees Anna Jay. He says, "Since her initials are AJ, it doesn't technically count as cheating..." before grabbing her and escorting her into the broom closet. Security ushers Colt Cabana back into the locker room.

Darby Allin vs MJF is next. 5 seconds in, Darby Allin passes out from Dehyrdration, causing Sting to take his place. Sting then Squashes MJF and pins him after a Scorpion Death Drop. The fans are jubilant that Sting is there to give the young guys the "rub."

Marrakesh Black and Andrade el Idolo come out next for their match against Cody and Pac. PAC is already in the ring. Three additional entrance way's rise up from the ground. The University of Minnesota marching band comes out and starts playing Cody's theme song. Cheerleaders are throwing down palm branches onto the new entrances. Specially made silent fireworks go off in the sky as 3 figures enter from the special entrances. To the left, it is Arn Anderson with Pharoah. To the right, it is Brandi with her new baby. In the Middle, it is Cody, in gear that makes him look like Oxymandias. It is so over the top, the crowd boos and starts chanting "Let's Go, Brandon." Backstage, Cutler is overjoyed, as he feels like he is finally connecting with the crowd.

Halfway through the match, Cody is blindsided by the big kick from Marzipan Black. Cody no sells it. Andrade gives him the Hammerlock DDT. Cody no sells it. Arn Anderson, in a shocking moment, turns on Cody, pulling out his Glock and shooting him in the head. The crowd cheers as Cody stays down. He is carried off, his body looking like he was on the cross. Michellob Black and Andrade take over on PAC, brutalizing him. PAC, refuses to go down, showing the fighting spirit of a man. Suddenly, someone comes out to save him... FUEGO 2!!! Excaliber makes a cheeky reference to who he truly is. JR keeps calling him Midnight Rider 2 accidentally. The crowd loves Fuego 2 almost as much as they hate Cody. Fuego 2 cleans house on Mitsubishi Black and Andrade. He eventually nails the Cross-Rhodes on Manchester Black for the 1-2-3. As he celebrates his hard earned victory with his adoring crowd. Pac passes out due to dehyrdation. Tony said that the move Fuego 2 used looks a little too much like Cody's finisher. Excaliber nudges him.

"The Forbidden Door" Tony "Big Balls" Khan comes to the ring, eating an eclair with a rolled up hundred dollar bill hanging from his left nostril. He has a huge announcement: The newest signing to AEW! The lights go out, some spooky music plays for a bit. the crowd goes insane. The lights come back on, to reveal Windham Rotunda, wearing a plain white T-shirt and blue jeans. He says that everyone knows who he is, but he can't go by that name, because Fed Bad. Crowd boos. He says he is in AEW because he wants to show what he can really do. Crowd cheers. He wants to show his creative freedom. Crowd Cheers. And he wants to honor his good friend Brodie Lee. The crowd instantly turns on him. Amanda Huber, Chris Jericho, and the entire Dark Order, except Anna Jay, run in and take turns kicking Windham's ass. It ends with Amanda declaring that he isn't allowed to clout chase.

It is time for the AEW's Women's Title match. 2 dozen extra cameramen hit ringside, their sole purpose is to get shots of Tay's Ass from every angle. Britt comes out with Adam Cole (Bay Bay), who is carrying a large tub of water, and Tony Schiavone. Britt Baker kisses Tony in front of Adam. Adam gets mad, but Tony slaps him in the face. Adam pours more water in his hair and walks away, chastened by the Uber Chad that is Tony Schiavone. 3 of the cameramen die of dehydration right before the match begins. Just a reminder, this whole match started because Tay Conti said that Britt Baker's ass isn't as big of hers. A bunch of people in the front row pull out stop watches, then realize it isn't a WWE Women's match and toss them aside. 1 minute in, something hits Bryce Remsburg in the eye. Tay Conti bent over and Jim Ross flipped the table without using his hands. He excitedly yells "Blue Chew!" as if Austin finally got his hands on Vince McMahon. Also, the incels in the first five rows all decided that No Nut November wasn't worth it. 30 seconds later, the entire ring is covered in bodily fluids. Britt Baker looks like she was in a bukake porn. Her new shirt is already on The finish comes when Tay has Britt face down in the corner. In the 15 minutes it takes to set up her disgusting senton that no person with actual training would attempt, Tay succumbs to dehydration and actually snaps Britt's back. The match is stopped for a moment, while they try to figure out what to do. Bryce then drags the unnaturally folded up body of the champion on top of Tay and pins her, because no one is going to be a bigger star in the Women's Division than Britt.

A production mishap cause the arena lights to go dark, replacing them with blacklights, the ring blinded the entire audience who missed the next match: The Minneapolis Street Fight. The ring did eventually get scraped clean, and the ring ropes replaced. The Inner Circle came out first. They gave well wishes to Jon Moxley, who is in rehab recovering from alcohol addiction. All of them took a swig of the Bubbly and got ready to wrestle. ATT, Sky, and Page came out second, because Arlovsky and JDS demanded it, and are YOU gonna tell them no? I don't think so. Early on, Lambert abandons all pretext, pulls out a tennis racket and starts hitting people with it. A sudden flash of lightning is seen, as a third team enters the fray: The Ghosts of Curt Hennig, Rick Rude, John Nord, and the Road Warriors. They go on a rampage, kicking the shit out of almost everything with a pulse, until Arlovski and JDS regain their bearings and start ghost busting. Super Elite sees this, and hang their heads in shame. The Inner Circle get the win, pinning Scorpio Sky after hitting him with that giant brass ring he won that won time. Why? Because Dan Lambert is the biggest star of the team, you aren't going to make the actual fighters do anything they don't want to do, and Ethan Case is more... "relatable" than Sky.

Scene cuts to the back, where the "Forbidden Door" Tony "Big Balls" Khan announces that Britt Baker is in fact alright. He speaks very loudly over the whimpering dogs. He then announces that, as of now, he is completely dissolving the AEW Women's Division and releasing all of the Women's wrestlers except for certain ones of Omega's choice. "¡ESTO ES MIERDA!" can be heard from the other side of the door, over the whining dogs. Matt Jackson walks into the room, and whispers something into Tony's ear. Tony then announced that this is the last we'll see of American Top Team. The crowd cheers for this. Matt then leaves the office, as we catch a glimpse of a Bulldog and Ryan Reynolds, holding an eclair in his hand.

Falls Count Anywhere match is next. Christian and Jurassic Express come out first, Christian wearing his traditional Blue Dot over his head. The entire team looks ready to pass out from dehydration. Out comes Superkliq, the Bucks are dressed as gardeners with watering cans in their hands. They take turns watering the hair of Adam Cole (Bay Bay), who is dressed as a Large Pink flower. Rick Knox is replaced by a cardboard cutout. No one notices.

Everyone does everything, nothing registers, it just kills the crowd deader than using all of the water in the Twin Cities to make sure Adam Cole (Bay Bay) doesn't have to have dry hair for 3 seconds. Nick Jackson leads Jungle Boy to a group of reporters. Perry sees them, screams like a high pitched little girl and runs away, never to be seen again. Luchasaurus and Cole brawl to a water trough. And in between thigh slaps and slow motion kicks, Cole dips his hair into the trough. Another "Let's Go Brandon!" chant breaks out, finally prompting Brandon Cutler to rush out to ringside, spraying cold spray to his adoring audience. The crowd goes silent, wondering what the fuck he's doing there. Eventually, because his perpetually wet hair makes Adam Cole (bay bay) look like a little girl coming out of the shower, he gets kidnapped by Chasyn Rance. Christian is pinned after a Con-Chair-to by the Bucks, who then do a 5 minute (because 5 seconds is too passe') pose before pinning him. Luchasaurus was drinking out of the water trough like a thirsty dinosaur. Just a friendly reminder, the EVPs don't have creative control over the product.

CM Punk and Kingston are next. They start the match off with promos. Both are incredible, "Like Mussolini!" The bell rings, and it all falls apart. Punk can't brawl. Kingston can't wrestle. Both are blown up early on. Eventually, Punk wins, and is about to call out Alan Angels, but is jumped by the Acclaimed (afterbirth!). Excaliber wonders aloud who will save Punk, and JR says "to be honest, I think everyone considers him a dick." Suddenly, "Big Balls" by AC/DC blares over the PA system. Out comes "the Forbidden Door" Tony "Big Balls" Khan, with rolled up hundred dollar bills up both of his nostrils. He comes in and beats up the Acclaimed by himself. The crowd eats it up. Funeral services for Jim Cornette will be held next week. Khan adds a new nickname to himself: Mr. Electricity.

Just before the Main Event, special guest Jerry Lawler interviews Jon Moxley via satellite. Jon says that he's doing very well. And is looking to turn his life around, so he can finally see his daughter. And maybe Renee will let him back in the house. Lawler makes the same jokes he made back during the Roberts feud that weren't funny and just distasteful. Adam Page pops up behind Lawler. He congratulates Jon on the work he's done thus far. He declares that, once he gets out they can do some cowboy shit together. And he produces a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Adam Page comes out, ready for his Main Event. For the non- (or lapsed fans), the greatest, most agonizing, most wholesome pro-wrestling story in years has finally hit the home stretch. He gets in the ring, ready to meet his destiny, nearly 3 years in the making. Kenny Omega comes out, all the Joshi are now his broom girls. Emi Sakura is their coach, and will be doing her apartment wrestling as a new part of the AEW Youtube Network. The bell rings, but they are very short on time. Page does the Buckshot Lariat, Omega falls back into the ropes... V-Trigger. He then hits a single One-Winged Angel... 1...2...3!!! Just a friendly reminder, the EVPs don't have creative control over the product.

The crowd cheers the Long Term Booking of "The Forbidden Door," "Mr. Electricity" Tony "Big Balls" Khan. And they can't wait for the next chapter of the greatest, most agonizing, most wholesome pro-wrestling story in years. "Let's Go Brandon" chants ring out again, the screen points to Brandon Cutler, who is swinging from the shower room of the Elite's dressing room. He found out "Let's Go Brandon" wasn't a reference to him.


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