RAW Captions [8-16-2004]

[Corkscrewed]

[Innovator]

This is not what Triple H had in mind when he asked Orton to take a golden shower


Benoit: Randy look at me, I can't even afford clothes without the title
Orton: What do you want me to do?
Benoit: Do you know how to get to 3rd Street?
Orton: what?
Benoit: I suck yo dick man
Orton: ..................


I guess Tajiri didn't like Sylvian's "HHH and Steph" impersonation


Sorry I can't make it, I'm...washing my hair


Finally Trish is as perky as her boobs


Quentin Tarantino was a fat baby


Cousin IT goes in for the...kill


Tyson got confused when the fans called him a homo


Look at Kane, about to get superplexed...and he's still gellin


Kane: How can you botch a sleeper hold?!


Kane: This storyline sucks, Butterfly Effect GO!
Matt: Dude take me with you
Kane: What about Lita?
Matt: Leave her


Is it me or did Zordon get hot?


Batista: THATS FOR THE BAD WORDS YOU SAID ABOUT RIC!
Jericho: I'M NOT BRET!
Flair: AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA


Triple H: Randy for the last time, YOU'RE NOT JOHN CENA!


Unlike himself, Benoit took so long going for the superplex, a snail was crawling on his back


Benoit: CATCH ME MOMMY!
Orton: Shit, I thought that was only for Dr. Jho's surgery


Randy, the ref's airplane impersonation isn't that bad


Last...YMCA...EVER

[Corkscrewed]

Sure, Randy wanted to emphasize that he would remain a heel, but was shredding Golddust to pieces really necessary?


Rob found out the hard way why you don't interrupt a Japanese guy when he's eating sashimi.


Well, at least the invitations for the first annual WWE Botch Festival were nice.


Lita wasn't too pleased with her new life-size Malibu Slut Barbie.


The lowlight of the night was when they showed JR's baby pictures.


Ref: "Must... resist... urge... to... grope..."


Tyson: "Must... fullfill... urge... to... grope..."


Edge: "Push off dammit!!!"
Kane: "I can't!!! I'm stuck!"
Edge: "Damn the crew for letting Rhyno set up the turnbuckles!!!"


With Lita clinging to his boots, now as the perfect time for Kane to test out Madam Pomfrey's Incredible Anti Botching Powder.


JR: RKO!!!!

OR

The fans popped big time when the Headless Footless Horseman ran in and interfered in the match.


Kane: "Hahaha... Lita, you really are a Dumas!"
Lita:


Not gonna even dignify this with a caption.


Batista: "And THAT'S for insulting Bilbo!!!"
Sir Ian Holmes: "You tell him, Dave!"


Edge was going to make a run-in for the save but stopped dead in his tracks when Flair recognized him as an avid Hart supporter and started going psycho.


Edge played it cool. As long as he acted like nothing had happened, everyone would be fixated on Jericho's beatdown and no one would notice his explosive passing of gas.


The real reason for HHH's later turn wasn't because Orton had won the belt; it was because he'd tricked Hunter into talking to a cardboard cutout for twenty minutes before revealing the hoax.


Benoit always found it easier to do a superplex when he could sit on a referee's head for extra balance.


With Orton distracted by Carmella sitting in the crowd, now was Chris's chance!


It was bad enough Orton was in the sharpshooter, but right now was also one of those UH....OH!!! moments.


Randy Orton: Still the king of Stupid Expressions Noogies.


Orton clearly ruined his chance to stay in the main event when he botched Invisible Crucifiction.


Ref: "You give up?"
Orton: "No! I can beat this! Go web go!!!"
Benoit: "And Vince said he was ready for the big time... "


Orton was having the time of his life swinging on the invisible vines, but Benoit just had to ruin the fun and tell him to knock it off.


As though unsure that not everyone got it, HHH arrived in the ring clearly bearing a sign that proclaimed his divine prowess.


Hunter's new Caesar gimmick was off to a great start when he gave the order to execute the careers of eight Cruiserweights.


HHH: "Now you listen to me and you listen to me good! NO member of Evolution will be caught playing with My Little Pony and that's an order!"


Unfortunately, Orton came out on the losing end in the first ever Ketchup/Mustard Fight for the World Heavyweight Title.

[Chuck Jones]

Randy was understandably worried about Goldust being named the number one contender.


Even though he shook his hand the night before, Randy couldn't help but het impatient as Benoit's promo enter hour number 7.


The WWE Drinking fountain strikes again.



Fans were relieved when the 747 in the background suck the invite into its engine.


Had it not been for the smile, Paige Davis' WWE debut would've went completely unnoticed.


Jazz: I didn't find bobby in the portrait studio, but I did see one ugly baby. *Points for someone who gets reference*


This was, perhaps, the weirdest 69 position ever.


Well, someone has to make sure Trish never does Standup comedy ever again.


Kane: hi Mom!


Lita: But Daddy, if you don't help, they said they'd air the birth on live TV.
Kane: Sorry pumpkin, but we don't negotiate with the WWE Writers. Contractual policy.


The classic banana peel slip joke hits Matt Hardy.

more later.

[loopydate]

Once again, assuming that WWE fans were too stupid to figure out that Randy Orton was the future all on their own, Vince went the extra step by beaming him into the ring.



CHRIS: You may have beat me last night, but there's one thing at which you'll never be better than me.
RANDY: Oh, yeah? What's that?
CHRIS: Pointing to your knees!



Shang Tsung wins... Fatality!



And loopydate couldn't ask for a better birthday present...



LITA: Why are your pants buzzing?
JAZZ: And where's my present?
TRISH: ...excuse me.



In this lost scene from "Seinfeld," Jerry and crew finally see the baby.



RHYNOOOOOOOOOOO!



Raggedy Ann had seen enough!



Whistling

This is Kane. Kane recently got a big boost of confidence. Now, even being superplexed can get him down. And there will always be a happy missus back in the bedroom (or on the floor, if she botches sleeping).



LITA: Why! Won't! You! Tap! Out! Dammit!
KURT ANGLE: (watching at home) Now, that's just sad...



Just as Matt was about to make the save, Kane's unholy alliance with Chuck Palumbo made itself clear.



KANE: (singing) Bright are the stars that shine / Dark is the sky / I know this love of mine / Will never die / And I love her...
LITA: (thinking) Why did you agree to let him sing at the wedding?







Dave's "Smooth Criminal" lean was impressive, but he just couldn't keep that pesky left foot grounded.



While Ric distracted Edge with a taunt, Dave prepared for what would have to be the tope of his life.



EDGE: Okay, guys. That's very funny. Can I have my pants back, now?



HUNTER: ...and you tear Benoit apart, do you hear me? I want you to make him-- Randy? Randy, are you listening to me?
RANDY: (thinking) So, fifteen minutes could save me fifteen percent?



HUNTER: ...and you're going to do it for Evolu-- What? What are you staring at?
RANDY: Your horns are showing again.
HUNTER: GODDAMMIT!



The ref hated when his new Benoit puppet would get caught on the ropes.



REF: Dammit, Lorraine! Go talk to George!



All the pundits agreed. They'd never seen anyone counter the Sharpshooter quite like Orton's Banshee Scream.



The Orton/Benoit match heated up when Orton sought retribution after Benoit stole his neck.



RANDY: Okay, why is this not looking like it does when Dave does it...?



It's common knowledge that the pain caused by the Crippler Crossface can lead to hallucinations. Here, we see Randy reach for that last damned bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red.



RANDY: Hey...! How'd I get on this side of it?



RIC: Imca!
HUNTER: No, it's Y.M.C.A.
RANDY: Guys, I'm trying to celebrate a...y'know...title win here.



Amazingly, Hunter was able to whistle the entire score of the H.M.S. Pinnafore while simultaneously critiquing his performance!



RANDY: Uh...Hunter? This isn't what I meant when I asked if you would give me a rub...



When Backstage Politics Go Too Far!

[Nark Order]

Summerslam was a nightmare for Benoit, however; he got the last laugh when he sneakily replaced Orton's World belt with a gigantic magnet.



Benoit: I had this funny dream last night that I spent 17 years working my ass off to get a World Title belt and I did but then I lost it to some 23 year old... Pretty funny, huh?


Orton:...

*Orton hides the belt behind his back and slowly tiptoes away*



The WWE is a big believer in recycling.


Trish: I just got done with my last plastic surgery for the year.

Lita:...

Trish: Sorry If I seem a bit to happy, It's just the botox.


She did it. Lita botched child birth...


In a gruesome scene, Victoria is slowly devoured by Gail Kim's butt.


Tomco disguises his blatant fondling of the genitals as a Gorilla Press Slam.


Kane Kong climbs the turnbuckle screaming like an animal as he drags the half naked woman along with him.


WWE fans are thrown for a loop after an interference from The Flash


After so many years being raunchy in the bedroom, Carmella's eye was permanently sealed shut.

(Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about)


(Looks at the lifeless body. Starts contemplating...)

Flair: No...

Batista: Why not? Trips did it...


Even though Edge believes necrophelia is morally wrong, he wouldn't cheat the crowd out of the sheer entertainment value of it.


HHH: She's so easy. You should marry her too... Infinite power.


The referee shows that he disagrees with Benoit's conduct by shoving his hand into his rectum.


Orton quickly gets the advantage after pressing his handy "Benoit Shrink" button.


Unbenknownst to the ref, Benoit is actually consuming Orton's foot.


Orton's body is suddenly plagued by the spirit of Scott Hall.


Jack: I'll never let go...


Trying his hardest to be innovative and destructive at the same time, Orton tries pulling Benoit's entire head off in mid air.


After the match the real fight begun with the 'HHH is GOD" sign holder and the "Hail Orton" mark.


With your powers combined... I AM CAPTAIN NO-SELL!

[The One]

Randy wondered if during all the comotion the crowd would be able to tell it was him who just farted...


Randy wasn't sure about the new Triple H treatment he was receiving (special notice to the blonde and the anis)


With the pain from the golden tacks, Tajiri lost his lunch.


Kane is pretty in pink.


Lita was suposed to look at the ballons...at least this botch can have shared blame.


Hey how did they get my...er...friend's baby picture?


What is up with the superstars and passing gas tonight?


Tyson was confused as he lifted the wrong person above the glass ceiling.


Edge sure was a good pal with lending his chiropractice experiance...Kane hadn't been able to find his smile in weeks.


The Kane Fairy sprinkled his magic dust on Lita...


Try as he might, Matt just couldn't de-king the Dunk-Master of the WWE pool.


Lita prayed not to botch the standing there still moment.


Diva Search...they don't even need captions to be funny.


Batista: Do you wanna poke him with a stick?
Ric: OK!

More later...to tired now.

[Gone Mad]

Even the champ knew owning a Big Bird would be sooo much trouble.


SURRRGEE!!


Who many balloons can you find in this picture?


A re-enachment of Lita attempting a hurricanrana.


Hardy: Off with me to the Land of People given no credibility!

Kane: Noooo!!! LiiiiiiTTTTaaa!!


Batista and his charisma = naptime.


After the incident with the Code Red, HHH had to show Randy he had a drinking problem.


RKO: Ahh! Where the hell is that damn spider Hunter always finds!?
OR
Benoit: Who's your favorite New Kid? Is it Donnie or Mark..

Orton: ???

[MVP]

Orton was unhappy as Triple H's new "valet belt holder".



Sylvain botches getting a drink from the Tajiri fountain.



Lita botched the funeral invitation.



Next week on If They Mated....



Victoria: "WOW I'm above the glass ceiling; look there's Triple H, JBL, Orton, Sean O'Haire....uhhhh wait a second."
Vince: "We got him, fire the Velocity cannon."



Kane was so happy to have a life-sized Benoit doll for a wedding gift.



Kane: "No Lita, you start humping ABOVE the waist."

[Mayo]

We all know that WCW was horrible for giving Arquette the title, but the WWE giving Nick Lachey the title was the last straw for sports entertainment.


Benoit: She really doesn't know what buffalo wings are? She better be really fucking good in bed if you have to put up with a dumb bitch like that.
Randy:


The WWE's latest rehashed angle, the nWo-DX, began with Sean Waltman spraying Grenier's face with green spray paint.


America's Most Wanted got creative with their special episode, America's Most Botched.


Trish's reaction after Lita proclaiming that she was Lebanese.


The WWE's evil scientist had finally created the Botch Baby that would wreak havoc in arena's all across North America.


Victoria was so focused on her upcoming porn auditions that she even practiced her Brianna Banks face during matches.


Trish answered the fan's question of how many talented wrestlers in the ring that were actually getting airtime.


After accidentally tearing his tights, the rumours of Benoit being well hung were proved to be true.


Lita: Oh please master, you must teach me more of your botching wisdom.
Kane: You have learned too much too quickly, young grasshopper. Go and perfect what you have learned.


Matt Hardy got a huge Twist of Fate on Kane while Kane was in the middle of the Egyptian dance.


Kane: *twitching in orgasmic pleasure*
Lita: He's already done after only 2 minutes? God I have got to get a divorce.


Since the WWE caters to single adult males, their hot new phone sex commercials would be sure to generate interest.


Al Bundy's appearance at the WWE came about 10 years too late.


The guy in front of Flair quickly ducked between the ropes to dodge the homo point, and Edge was unfortunate to be behind him.


Even Edge laughs when he thinks about the wave that the great Toronto fans did during Summerslam.


HHH: Having a big nose was a tremendous factor in Homo sapien evolution. Neanderthal cavemen in Northern Europe had bigger noses in order to moisten the cold air before it went into the lungs. So while everybody laughs at me for having a honker, it just proves that my ancestors were also great at holding down other cavemen.



Hunter: I'm telling you, even the cavemen women preferred men with big noses!
*Randy tries to hold back smirk*


The Ref had to press the button on the Cripplerbot's back to perform a wrestling move.


The Ref tried to change his mind after accidentally clicking the 'job to Evolution' button that Hunter had placed.


Ref: Cripplerbot, you are supposed to job to Evolution! Follow your order!
Randy: Hunter had already programmed tonight's storylines into his CPU! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


Randy's new Elvis impersonation finisher was quite accurate.
Randy: *singing* Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight? Are you sorry we drifted apart?


Orton: Are Wolverines supposed to have tails?


The Ref played yet another one of his pranks after asking Randy for a handshake at bad time.
Ref: Too slow!
*slicks hair back*

Benoit was pulling as hard as he could to stretch the giant slingshot that would finally get rid of Orton for good.


HHH: All hail Randy Orton, the future of the WWE.
Randy: Oh my God, this is such an amazing achievment. Thank you all for your standing ovation.
Flair: *waves to crowd* Hi kids!


Hunter took things too literally when Randy told him to 'blow me'.


HHH: So Bond, have you decided to tell me of your plan?
Randy: You expect me to talk?
HHH: No, I expect you to job.


Hunter didn't care how much Randy had bled; he was pissed that Rhyno had put glue on the outside of the belt, and he would tear it off even if it killed him!

[Gone Mad]

Lita botches Photoshop.


Edge's heel turn begins as he starts to do nothing interesting .. nothing at all. Like what he was doing before.


HHH: ..You had me at "hello".

RKO: I haven't said anything to you yet. We haven't started a conversation outside of the show.

HHH: ...I like movies.


Signs that your wrestling show is starting to involve less and less of anything with wrestling.


Benoit: Damn it, this is not "Superm-

RKO: Shut up and fall into your crystal prison, Zod!


HHH reviews the new movie "Princess Diaries 2".

[Corkscrewed]

Oh man, Loopy, nice to have you back! Your "Botched Ankle Lock" had me on the floor for about five minutes! Man, everyone killed me.

[Tiken]

Ref: Orton the ropes are that way! Stop trying to resist and go for the ropes!
Orton: God Dammit shut up! Bloody Back seat Officials!

[Fryza]

The celebrated release of the Orton Bot v5.0 was met with high hopes.



..I got nothing..



Brings a new meaning to getting "jacked" in the face..



I tend to avoid any card that lists Kane and Lita at the same place.



Trish's response to "Are they real?" sealed the fact she is a bad actor.



Oh Jesus Christ..



You'd be in horror too if a small Asian chick was trying to fuck your arm off.



...Austin?



Nercolepsy claims another victim.



Kane: No, Lita, you're SUPPOSED to distract me 'til Hardy comes in, not grab me foo..

*Hardy attacks Kane*



JR: STUNNER!



Apparently Kane had a fonder memory of their first date.



FOX News has hit a new low.



Jericho asked Batista to stiff him, but he didn't expect him to plant himself.



Just moments after Batista destroyed Flair, Hunter called him saying "Attack the guy with long hair", not "Attack the old guy Flair". Shoulda used Sprint Wireless Connection.



It looks like Edge doesn't care where he'll be when his dierrhea acts up.



Orton: No, I do not know Hunter. Why DID the chicken cross the road?



Hunter: I /LOVE/ you man!
Orton: You're not getting my title.



Gotta be the worst place for the ref to give Benoit a check-up..



Ref: Go my Robo-Wolverine!



Ref: Dude, is that Orton kneecap sticking out?
Orton: *girly scream*



Worst. DDT. Ever.



Worst. Crucifix. Ever.



Benoit: Hey, spider!
Orton: Resist.. Urge..
Ref: Where?! Where is it?!



Orton was told to stop doing that in public.



Well, Hunter being God would explain a lot..



Hunter didn't like this Champion-to-Hoss bonding.



Hunter: I'm going to do to you, what I did to Kane!
Orton: Fuck a dead girl?
Hunter: Exactl.. Wait, no.. No...



Hunter: Can't.. Seem to get.. My hand free.. What the hell? Is this glue?!

[Quick1]

HHH Does an impression of his penis.

Orton: You know Hunter I thought I knew edge but....

The naitch posts his picture on TPWW.

Lita botches looking at Trish.

[FourFifty]

No summer slam captions? Ah, hell, anywho, ONWARD to RAW!
Didn’t read the posted captions before I did mine, as always.


The spirit of Rico, Sean O’Haire, Goldust, The Bushwhackers, and others flooded the ring as the golden box of rejected gimmicks exploded when they tried to shove Eugene in it.


Chris: Sorry ‘bout the title.. Still kinda smells like Hunter.
Randy: Only it’s Hunter with a refreshing apple cinnamon scent! It’s wonderful! You must tell me what kind of cleaner you used on it!


2 seconds earlier…
Sylvin: And that’s why I drive a Ford!


Kane: Damn it Lita! You botched the invitations to my birthday party! You didn’t even talk about the clown that is gonna be there!


Trish: On No Lita! You’re in a wonderful storyline… filled with… intrigue… passion… crème filling… and good storyline stuff… BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!! Oh my GAWD! Thank GOODNESS I’m not in THAT storyline!


Vince: Yes! I’m the photoshop master! We need to see this on TV!


Victoria: Oh No! Douche! Douche!
Gail: You really shouldn’t be calling me names in the middle of a match…
Victoria: No, you reek! Douche! Clean that hole out!


No wonder he was invisible for a long time…


Kane: Ouch! Hey Edge, watch the ear, would ya?
Edge: What’s wrong with your ear?
Kane: Lita botched using handcuffs on me last night.


Kane: Stop hugging me! You’re supposed to hate me, remember!
Lita: .yrros m’I, haey hO.
Kane: !


Matt: I KILLED YOUR FATHER, AND I’LL KILL YOU TOO!
Kane: *gasp!* The Six Fingered Man!


Kane: Don’t sorry Lita, I’ll be gentle.
Lita: Thank you.. this is my first time…
Kane: Really?
Lita: Yes, really….
Kane: In that case, let’s start… ya ready?
Lita: I think so…
Kane and Lita: Over, under, around and through, and that is how you tie your shoe!


Sean O’Haire:…
Tommy Dreamer: …
Scott Steiner: He Fellas what’s up?
Sean O’Haire: I’m sorry, but this bar of depression due to the Diva Search is reserved for TALENTED wrestlers only! Go over to the table where the Bossman is telling stories!


The doctors said that Jericho could never have children after Batista’s aim was off with his noogie.


Ric: Yeah, that’s right Edge! Bret Screwed Bret!


“Crème Filling… I really could go for a bowl of crème filling…”


HHH: Randy… Did you eat my “special” chocolates?
Randy: Yes Hunter…
HHH: And now you really have to go poop now, don’t you?
Randy: Yes Hunter…


After Triple H comes out of the closet, Randy Orton has no choice but to paraphrase Sean O’Haire.


Get your very own Chris Benoit puppet, just like one modeled my the ref in mid match!


Ref: Pencil neck geek! Grit eatin’ freak! Scum suckin’ pea-head with a lousy physique! One man no gut losing streak! You’re nothin’ but a pencil neck geek!
Benoit: It’s a little long winded, but it’s a refreshing break from “homo.”


Randy: No! We’re in Canada, aren’t we? Don’t ring the bell!
Vince: Don’t worry Randy. We’re not Montreal, so you have nothing to fear.


Right before Chris Benoit tells Randy Orton he respects his athleticism, Randy makes faces at Benoit.


Randy: You got that number yet?
Chris: Almost… Done! Now in now time we’ll have our own cage to do what we want with it.
Randy: God Bless the “For Rent” sign!


Randy botched hand shaking.


Even though Benoit tried to carry Orton through the match, Randy dragged it down.


It’s bad when Triple H and Randy need to bring in signs for each other.


“I never had your nose! It was just my thumb all along!”


“Don’t you EVER try to wash my scent off this belt, ever again!”


Triple H shows off his omnipotence when he invokes the stigmata on Randy Orton.



HHH: Hey Randy, what’s this on your chest?
Randy: I think it’s the same thing that’s on your nutsack.
HHH: …I’ll stop right here…
Randy: Good call.


Randy: Wait a second! This is NOT how the Doomsday Device goes!

Look at this photo I found.

[Quick1]

Batista: haha Fliar stop pouring chapange down my back
Announcer: Where will you be when your diarrhea acts up?

[Corkscrewed]

That just looks so wrong.

[Quick1]

Hei!!!! den!!!!! reich!!!!!

[El Santo]

Yikes. Batista looks a bit too ... happy in this picture.

[El Santo]

Originally Posted by Always450 Vince: Yes! I’m the photoshop master! We need to see this on TV! Matt: I KILLED YOUR FATHER, AND I’LL KILL YOU TOO! Kane: *gasp!* The Six Fingered Man! Kane: Don’t sorry Lita, I’ll be gentle. Lita: Thank you.. this is my first time… Kane: Really? Lita: Yes, really…. Kane: In that case, let’s start… ya ready? Lita: I think so… Kane and Lita: Over, under, around and through, and that is how you tie your shoe! Ric: Yeah, that’s right Edge! Bret Screwed Bret! “I never had your nose! It was just my thumb all along!”

LOL!

Excellent.

[FourFifty]

God: Fine, Randy, you're keeping the title tonight. Loose Cannon, you owe me!


Benoit finds out that the new Orton Cycle looked a lot better on TV.


Bret Screwed Bret. Vince Screwed Bret... Edge doesn't care.
He just screwed Linda.


Gail thought it would be hard to give birth to a normal sized child, but a fully grown person was just hell.

[FourFifty]

Rhyno: Hey, this is kinda hot

[Cool King]

Tajiri:BURP!!
Sylvain:OH..DEAR..GOD..THAT STINKS!