The Smackdown (Spoof News Predictions from 1998): How far off was I???

[NeanderCarl]

Back in late 1998/early 1999, possibly inspired by an old spoof wrestling news site called ScoopTHIS!, I decided to start writing a spoof newsletter... set in the future!

Well, that future was the year 2006, and as we are now in 2006, I decided to take a look at this long-since forgotten newsletter, to see how off the mark I truly was (and how childish I must have been back in 1998).

So, to much critisism I'm guessing (especially as I seemed to revel in reporting wrestler deaths back then, sadly some of which have come true), I will now post all the old editions of The Smackdown Newsletter, unedited, just as I originally wrote them. It picks up from March, and yes, I know the dates are inaccurate but who really cares?? Oh, and when I wrote this, WCW was still a force to be reckoned with.

Drumroll please.....

Edition 1 of the weekly Smackdown Newsletter.

MARCH

In news from the last four editions of WWF Monday Night Impact;

February 24th:

Making his return to the WWF, John Layfield, formerly known as Bradshaw, defeated King Droz. John seemed to be portraying a down-and-out gimmick, which will never get him over. If John ever wants to be a serious contender again, he must revert to his natural babyface persona, which made him a main eventer before he moved to WCW three years ago... Oscar Junior (Oscar Gonzalez Guiterrez, formerly Rey Misterio Jr.) tasted defeat at the hands of debutant Hellfyre... Brian Christopher attacked former tag team partner Devon Storm with a fish slice, after Storm's shock victory over Christopher's alleged son, Little Christopher (Jay Reso), setting up their match at WrestleMania... Tag Champion D'Lo Brown defeated Scott Taylor by DQ when their respective partners, Hardcore Holly and Test, interfered... Main event time, and Paul Wight mauled Mark Henry, after The Undertaker smashed Henry with a shovel wrapped in barbed-wire. After the match, The 'Taker unveiled the Pit which will be used for the Taker and Henry's WM bout. Henry broke down and cried blood. I guess that's Undertaker for ya.

March 3rd:

Dirt Byke Kid demonstrated his bike riding abilities by running over The Big Bossman.... For the second week running, Junior was upset by Hellfyre... Michael Cole beat up Todd Pettengill.... Dr. Death Steve Williams made his re-emergence to the WWF, under a new postman gimmick. He is called The Mailman, and he mails letters to his beaten opponents by posting the envelopes into the crack in their butts. His finisher is the 'Knock', which The Mailman always performs twice. (The Mailman always knocks twice, anyone?) He pinned Gangrel in a laughing stock of a match, after which Gangrel 'quit' the WWF. (Yeah, right!).... In the main event, Paul Wight chokeslammed Al Snow to victory. During the match, Snow was seen to urinate inside his wrestling outfit, to much surprise.

March 10th:

The Mailman, continuing his winning ways, beat Dirt Byke Kid. After the match, Mailman went on strike... In the last match for The Legion Of Doom before Roadwarrior Hawk's firing, they defeated The Mucky Pupz... Mark Henry claimed to be suffering from severe headaches after the shovel smashing incident. He then proceeded to throw up some concrete. Don't you just love The Undertaker and his ways?... Chris Jericho was pasted by Michael Cole, who seems to be trying his hand at the wrestling business as a heel.... In the main event, Mankind came out of retirement for one night to defeat The Rock following interference from Wight.

March 17th:

Animal, in his debut as a solo wrestler, defeated Little Christopher. I haven't got a clue what persona Animal is taking on, but during the match, he kept twitching and shrieking. Maybe he's got Parkinson's Disease!.... Brian Christopher and Edge defeated Val Venis and Devon Storm when Christopher threw a plate of chips at Val, allowing Edge to pin him... Oscar Junior announced he would put his WrestleMania title shot on the line against Hellfyre, and consequently lost it when Hellfyre pinned him for the third time.... Taylor and Test beat The Mucky Pupz and The Lo Down, when the Pupz turned heel on D'Lo and Holly.... Mark Henry was attacked by The Minions, and the Undertaker threw him in a tub of gunge.... Chris Jericho was attacked by a fan, who nailed Droz in the knee with a chair, knocking him out of WrestleMania, and then unmasked to be revealed as the returning Stone Cold Steve Austin, who hit a couple of Stunners on Jericho... Triple H beat Al Snow and Paul Wight in a Triple Threat, when The Rock nailed all three with a giant fish tank. The Rock then injured his back attempting The Rock Bottom on Wight, and Al Snow nailed him with The New Head.....


The current line-up for WrestleMania XXII on March 23rd, features: Brian Christopher .vs. Devon Storm; Val Venis .vs. European Champion Edge; Light Heavyweight Champion Dirt Byke Kid .vs. Hellfyre (replacing Oscar Junior); Tag Team Champions The Lo Down (D'Lo and Bob Holly) .vs. Scott Taylor and Test, who are now known as Cancer; The Undertaker .vs. Mark Henry in a Pit match; the returning Stone Cold Steve Austin (replacing Droz) .vs. Chris Jericho for Jericho's Intercontinental Title; Triple H .vs. Al Snow; the main event, WWF Champion Paul Wight .vs. The Rock, with the winner battling the winner of the 16-man, one night tournament in the final contest. The tournament will be drawn on the night.

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IN OTHER NEWS: A few unfortunate deaths to report; Former WWF champ The Ultimate Warrior was crushed by a whale whilst visiting an aquatic theme park recently. He was 56.... Also, Jim Neidhart and his former Hart Foundation manager Jimmy Hart killed each other in a fight which, from what we can gather, was over a seat, which The Anvil had vacated only minutes earlier, and Jimmy had taken possession of, at an airport. The fight spilled onto the runway, where The Anvil threw Hart over a nearby cliff. As the smug Anvil laughed at the puny manager's screams, he became incensed to realise that his beard had become caught up in Hart's stringy hair, and Neidhart was dragged over too. Plus, The One Man Gang committed suicide, leaving the following letter: "Nobody loves me. Nobody wants me. I'm big and fat and ugly and want to die." The Gang's (George Gray) peers can't think of any reason why he may want to kill himself. In a tribute, former tag team partner The Big Bossman, said "When we were The Twin Towers, I carried that fat prick. I'm glad he's gone. I hated him". Gray was obviously a respected wrestler, and a fine man, if a little overweight.... Firings now, and apparently Roadwarrior Hawk broke down and wept upon hearing the news the WWF was terminating his contract, to let Animal go it alone as a solo star... The WWF has expressed concern over X-Pac's huge weight gain. X-Pac (Sean Waltman) has gained 300lbs over the past few years, and is barely mobile. He will be sent to a health farm.... The WWF wants to steal Bill Goldberg from WCW, just so they can throw rotten fruit at him at each Impact and Pay-Per-View show. Goldberg is apparently VERY interested in the deal, which would earn him a tremendous $45m a year.... Little Christopher is apparently annoyed at the direction his career is taking and wants to return to his original Christian Cage persona.... A few wrestlers are set to be repackaged, following the success of The Mailman, including Goldust and new signing Steve Regal... Steve Austin signed a three year contract extension before returning from retirement and terminating his long standing lawsuit against the World Wrestling Federation.... See you next issue, with hopefully more news, more action and more deaths.