RTS Silliness

[Kalyx triaD]

Hey bitches, let's play a game. Let's say there's this RTS game with three armies: Christians, Muslims, and Atheists. After I riff about the attributes of these armies, you fuckers make up units and abilities for these three fucks.
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Christians:

Jesus freaks who have God on their side, so of course they will bum rush your ass preemptively and without mercy. Then they're set up a McDonalds in the ruins of your family's homes. A key tactic is setting up bases to increase that imperial spread. The Christian Army uses straight forward offensive units and Shock and Awe powers like carpet bombs. Praise Jeebus!

Attributes:
Drains resources quickly, must spread out.
Strong offense.
Abstinence Only, unit spawns at faster rate.
PATRIOT Act, identify single use units from afar.

Units:
Bible Thumper, basic units.
Christian Wife, rage builds with time for limited stat increases.
Televangelists, ground support units. Increase stats of Thumpers by proximity.
Church Van, mobile bases that spawn basic units.

Structures:
Church, initial base. Spawns basic units.
Church w/ Sunday School, spawns advances units and Church Vans.
Mega Church, spawns Televangelists.
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Muslims:

The Army of Islam have God on their side, so of course they will... well unfortunately they can't attack full on. Unlike Christians, Muslims didn't have smarter people around to make cool shit for war, so the Muslims have inferiors tools. They make up for it with creative tactics, like bombing the shit out of that McDonalds with a suicide bomber. The Islam Army uses special units that are sneaky and fewer in number but pack big punches once they execute.

Attributes:
Mecca, must recharge five times an in-game day.
Fasting means requiring less resources.
Spirited Debate, slows Researcher and Televangelist abilities.

Units:
Suicide Bomber, single use unit.
Hijacker, captures enemy vehicles - automatic Suicide Bomber priority.
Jihad Member, plants himself as a proximity mine. Single use.
Taxi, carries up to four units, Jihad Member adds Suicide Bomber Priority.

Structures:
Mosque, spawns basic units.
Terror Cell, allows Mosques to transport units amongst structures.
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Atheists:

These pussies have the dubious distinction of not having the offensive power of Christians, but are ironically too upstanding to pull the sneaky shit of the Muslims - but they're smart fuckers. The Atheist Army can decrease the potential of enemy units using the Study ability, making the Atheist attributes variable battle to battle. This makes them the most adaptable of the three. Special units include the Richard Dawkins Hero unit. He'll lecture your ass.

Attributes:
Weakness study, increase effectiveness against certain enemies.
Geneva Conventions, convert enemies near death.

Units:
Youth Elitist, basic units. Can graduate to higher unit class.
Professors, increase stats of basic units. Must be present to graduate units on field.
Researchers, study enemy units. Decrease enemy effectiveness.
School Bus, mobile base. Spawns basic units.

Structures:
Schools, spawns basic units and School Buses.
College, spawns Professors and Researchers.
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Now make units for these classes and be witty about it. Go.