Summerslam fallout, Smackdown! Film noir

[Kane Knight]

Welcome to another exciting edition. Tonight's top story

Michaels Fired: The Heartbreak kid has been given his walking papers, after the Henson workshop determined that the damage done to the "Hulk Hogan" Puppet was irrepairable. The WWE has released a statement wishing their best to the Heartbreak kid in all future endeavors.

Blood, Sweat and Tears: Due to United Paramout Networks' request, Smackdown will now be aired completely in black and white.

You may have noticed that replays of images where someone bleeding have been in black and white, to obscure the blood. A recent UPN survey has indicated that sweat and oil can also be mistaken for blood by the casual observer, and they do not wish to cause undue alarm. As a result, they have pushed to remove color from the program.

OJ/Benoit--Fraud: Reports are that the US championship match did not end as planned. When approached by yours truly for a comment, Vince McMahon said, and I quote, "What US Championship?"

Expect no future plans for the US title. My bad.

Brock Lockout: The WWE and Brock Lesnar have been unable to come to terms. Apparently, Brock won't come back until his contract allows him to kill wrestlers who appear on "Byte This!" or WWE.com. Expect a long contract negotiation, as the WWE tries to talk him down to a pantsing.

Tag Team Divisiveness: The WWE has decided to correct the primary problem with the tag team divisions--The lack of tag teams. As a result, the tag team championships will no longer require an actual tag team.

John Cena--See-ya? The WWE has been sued by the ACLU for their negative protrayal of "wiggers," or as they prefer to be called, "wegroes."

RK-D'oh! Randy Orton has annoyed numerous officials within the WWE, due to the unscripted finish of his match at Summerslam. Apparently, he was scheduled to lose to the Undertaker, and return as his henchman, "The Embalmer." This would spark a feud between the Deadman and the returning Mordecai, MD.

Angle the Liar: Kurt Angle is a fraud, so reports the Yiddish Gazzette. Apparently, Kurt Angle, "American Hero," was born and lives in a small town in Germany. Pics of Kurt in the offending Liederhosen can be found here.