SmackDown Captions (July 22, 2004)

[FourFifty]

47 freaking pics this week!

[FourFifty]

Kurt was amazed! Max Mini looked nothing like he thought he would without the mask!


Spike and Chavo do their adaptation of “Triple H and the Raw locker room.”


“RICHARDS!!!!!”


Kurt: Okay, by popular demand, SmackDown will have it’s own women’s title!
Dawn: But isn’t that the old US title?
Sable: Yeah, it is… Won’t the fans notice?
Kurt: With how bastardized the heavyweight and the tag team titles are, no, they won’t notice.


And these two men saw only the previews for Catwoman.


Vince: Okay, Bubba, for the end of the match, we need to put Paul Kidman on the invisible crucifix!
Bubba: But I’m fighting Billy---
Vince: Damn it! Then put Billy London on the invisible crucifix!
Bubba: We’re out of crucifixes.
Vince: Damn it! Improvise!


Hey, Bubba! Where did the credibility of the SmackDown tag team titles go?


Kurt: Take it! Get that mid card WCW title away from me!


Kurt: Just because you wear the retro style shirt with the beaded necklace and the shaggy hair does NOT mean you can start your own emo band!
Funaki: But it was Vince’s idea! It won’t get buried!
Kurt: Oh crap! Vince’s idea? You’re feuding with JBL for the heavyweight title!


Bubba: Do you know the name of the guy on first?
Spike: I don’t know, who’s on first?
Bubba: Yes!
Spike: Yes is on first?
Bubba: No, who.
Spike: That’s what I wanna know!
Bubba: What do you wanna know?
Spike: Who’s on first?
Bubba: Yes! Who is on first!
D-Von: Shut the hell up before I kill the both of you!


David Arquette: Now that’s a sad excuse for a champion.


Vince: I like him! He’s big, he’s a solid worker, and he’s a great hoss! Kick off Billy London from the card tonight so we can have a promo hyping the debut of this man!


“Now this belt means somethin’ to me! I had to trade my Jigglypuff and Meowth cards for this belt from Shane! Had to give ‘em my blue eyes white dragon to keep it last week!”


JBL: Mr. Shamrock, it’s an honor to meet you!
Dude:


Even Moshe Shlomo had to laugh at JBL’s promo.


If this powerbomb wasn’t cool enough, then the fact that he was crapping out a ref had to be make it cool.


John Bradshaw Hunter Layfield even had to hold down the bandwidth.


“WHAT!!!! Brock doesn’t like homosexuals!?!? I gotta cancel the flowers I’m sending to him!!!”


“Uh-Oh!”


Walker, Texas Janitor: Uhhh… JBL… We’re turning off the lights. The show has been over for 6 hours… isn’t it time to ended your promo?


And after this, Mark was never allowed to eat Mexican food before a show, ever again.


“DON’T YOU EVER TOUCH MY CREAM FILLING!!!!!”


The ploy was simple- The Undertaker will sing lullabies to JBL, and when he’s napping, Belty would run toward freedom, and credibility.


After this segment, fans had a new appreciation for Shannon Moore.


Was I the only one begging for The Three Minute Warning?


Scarfy was no match for Belty.


And somewhere out there, there’s a gay man with no underwear.


Sable: We don’t like the idea of the Raw Diva Search! We have worked hard to get where we are!
Dawn: I busted my ass off in ECW, wrestling, and doing my best to impress the fans to get where I am now! These little tramps have a chance to get a contract! I busted my ass off!
Torrie: Well, I did something with my ass, but I didn’t bust it…
Jackie: All I did was “take it in the back” from Shane… and Vince… and Pat Patterson.


“And IIIIIIII, IIIIIIII, IIIIIIII, will always love youuuuuuuuuU!!!!”


“OHMYGOD! OVER 30 PICS AND IT’S NOT A PPV!!!!”


Even the SmackDown Divas are disgusted at Hunter’s honeymoon tape.


D-Von:I’ll make you squeal like a piggy!
Rey: Oh Crap! He saw Deliverance!


Bubba: Sorry Rey, but Vince told me that I need to interfere with your match. Vince won’t allow a cruiserweight to cleanly beat a heavyweight.


Billy: Sorry! Thought you were a hand puppet.


In an attempt to outshine Zach Gowen, Rey became the first wrestler to wrestle without a head.


It was a good match until the ref was memorized by his invisible sub.


And Cena learns that reading your own palm isn’t as much fun as it sounded like it would be.


*(insert HGA joke here)*


Vince: Okay, you can let go of my hand now.
Kurt: I’m trying, I really am!
Vince: Let go of my hand, damn it!
Kurt: Did you shake hands with Rhyno?
Vince: Yes, NOW LET GO OF MY DAMN HAND!!!


Vince just saw the GAB.


Kurt was a little upset when nothing happened after he clicked the ruby slippers three times and said “There’s no place like Raw, there’s no place like Raw, there’s no place like Raw.”


Moments earlier Kurt learned the hard way that the rumors about Vince’s laser eyes were true…


“DON’T YOU EVER BRING UP THE MARK HENRY/MAE YOUNG STORYLINE AGAIN!!!!”


Vince: Are you sure this is how we play baseball?
Kurt: Of course! Lita taught me!


*moments earlier*
“No, I don’t want any damn pain killers! I’ll take the catheter like a man!”


Eddie realizes that he has reached the heights of Hogan, Sting, Ric Flair, and Doink The Clown when he can come out, not say or do anything, and still get a pop.


Vince led the good, Christian life style, as he lets God be his driver…
Until he could find a perfect moment to screw him over in front of his country men in a heavyweight title match when he doesn’t want to drop the title to HBK.

[FourFifty]

And Now, JBL dazzles us all with his impressive acting repertoire!

Impressive, isn’t it?
BAH GAWD! My sarcasm meter is going off the hook!


Bubba: Yeah! The Dudley Boyz are the 18 time… 18 time…18 time…18 time…18 time…18 time…18 time…18 time…18 time…18 time…18 time…18 time…18 time…….Crap! I lost count!

[Face Heely]

Say what you will about John Bradshaw Leyfield's gimmick,


Promo skills,


wrestling ability,


or even his odd resemblance to a Smurf,


At least John Bradshaw Leyfield hasn't let the WWE Championship go to his head.


...Aww, crap.

[Savio]

Ref: No one move if I'm fast enough I can catch the sybolish thing

Trim spa baby!

[El Santo]

Kurt: "Richard Kind? God, I LOVED you in 'Spin City'!"


Fortunately, Chavo was saved when Spike was suddenly enamoured by the floating blue pizza.


“IIIIIII ... am the very model of a modern major general, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral..."


Now, there's a reason why Kurt Angle is covering up Little Kurt...


Kurt: "Here. YOu might want to wash it down before you put it on."
Booker: "Why would I .................. !!!!!"


Funaki was flattered by the proposal but ... how could he break it to Kurt that he wasn't a girl?


What the Dudleys do when they run out of paper towels in the rest room.


"It may only be this big, but size doesn't matter, dammit."


Fans of the Terminator series never forgot the little known sequel: T-2000 Does Dallas.


JBL may be the Champion, but he could never beat the local jobbers at thumb war.


He said he would hold the belt until Summerslam.
"I will hold the belt until Summerslam."


Then he spoke of its great significance.
"It will be significant."


And then... he killed the dog.


JBL knew something was very, very wrong when the "Undertaker" suddenly told him to "Snap into a Slim Jim! Oooooh yeahhhh!"


Unfortunately, Taker had put the belt in the wrong place, and the whole world went blind after a glimpse of JBL's crotch.


"Happy birthday, Mr. President."


"Three little maids from school are we, pert as a school-girl well can be, filled to the brim with girlish glee, thee little maids from school!"


And she's not only a Diva, she's a trained magician as well, folks!


Jackie had a promo to do, but for some reason, the little Jawa didn't want her to go onstage.


On WWE Flashback, we take you back to the early days when Edge & Christian and the Hardy Boyz go undercover. They're on a collision course with wackiness!


Kurt: "You wouldn't hurt. um... a ONE-LEGGED MAN, would you?"
Vince: "Hasn't stopped me before."
Kurt: "Damn."

[Corkscrewed]

Wow, that's some quality stuff Always! Loved the Abbot and Costello reference, and the Pokemon and Yugi Oh jokes never get old.

And Face Heely, great setup with that! Very clever how you got those pics to match up to that!

[Corkscrewed]

Kurt Angle unveils his new Catholic Priest gimmick.


Despite his recent dismissal, WWE decided to go ahead with infomercials for their new Chavo Classic Treadmill. It gives you a CLASSIC workout!


The WWE reached a new low when they had Spike give birth to a foot.


Ever since he'd gotten rid of Superman, Lex found himself a lot more popular with the ladies.


Bubba: "Aw! My ass!"
Kidman: "This is why you don't play darts with Steven Richards."

OR

Billy: "Okay, so I cock the gun and the trigger is right--"
*BANG!*
Bubba: "OWWWW!!! Not the good cheek!"


Bubba and the Giant Sky Wrench would have to work on their transfers if they wanted to do well in the Great Cruiserweight Relay Pass.


Brock (offscreen): "I heard you and D-Von are cuddle buddies!!!"
Bubba: "Huh? Uh... no... um... THEY'RE the homos!" *points at London and Kidman*
Brock: "Homos? KILL!!!!"
And thus, much to Vince's glee, the Cruiserweight problem was taken care of.


Angle: "Here, Booker, take it."
Booker: "Thanks!"
Belty: "But I wanna go back to Cena! People cheered me!!!"
Angle: "Talk to the hand, cuz the face ain't listening!"


Funaki was insulted. How could Kurt say Godzilla wasn't the best movie monster ever?


Bubba: "Look... we're not sure how to break this to you, but you're a jobber. You lose. You'll never get a push."
Spike: "But... but... my win! And I get a shot at the title next week... and..."
D-Von: "No, Spike, you're a jobber."
Spike:


As if his showerroom shennanigans weren't enough, now Bradshaw's not afraid to molest statues in public!


So it was the statue of Rocky who'd killed JR on Dallas all along! Thirty years, and it was all a swerve!!!


"I won the damn popular vote, but all I have to show for it is this lousy belt!"


Bradshaw: "Hey, aren't you that little jobber in FBI?"


Warning to amateurs: Attempts at the Spinneroonie by the untrained my result in serious injuries.


Jobber: "I'm rising! I'm rising!! I'm floating above the glass ceiling!!!"
JBL: "Oh no you don't! If I don't have any credibility, you won't either!!!"


Despite getting his hand stuck in Sean O'Haire's cage, JBL still maintained his classy smile while he waited for help to arrive.


"Oh shit! I locked my keys Mexican in my car!"

OR

"Whaddya MEAN Eddie made me an official sponsor of Ralph Nader???"


The first-ever "JBL Passes a Stone" segment was a huge ratings bust.

OR

The surgery was long and hard, and ultimately, doctors decided that they could not remove the rod from JBL's ass afterall.


Horror fans marked out when Frankenstein made his wrestling debut.


After hearing he was getting the title at Summerslam, Undertaker was on Cloud 9...


Bradshaw learned the hard way: never badmouth the Amish.


Taker wasn't too fond of the human skin belt straps on the new WWE Championship title.


Taylor Hansen's WWE debut was ravishing.


The fan with the sign said it all: we all want better.


Okay, I seriously have nothing for this.


Same here. Pointless crap.


"We are here to protest Carmela's inevitable Diva Challenge victory. She's going to make us all look like Chyna!"


Kurt: "Well, I'm sorry, but you're all about as plastic and stupid as Joanie..."


Torrie: *GASP!* "He called me plastic!"


Ladies: "We're not stupid! Just because we can't act convincingly, or wrestle well, or act maturely, or refrain from botching things, or read at a 5th grade level doesn't mean we're stupid!!!"


D-Von: "Why did you wait until today to tell me I was getting depushed last week???"
Rey: *gack* "I'm sorry!" *choke* "I get my information from Joey Radd!" *cough*


Rey was doing fine in the Dudleys' midget ostacle course until he got to the hurdles.


With Kidman's help, D-Von too was able to perform a lackluster shooting star press.


Rey was just napping there on the ring ropes when that rude D-Von just had to grab his balls.


Luther: "I'll choke you good I will!"
Cena: *gasp* *gack*
Hebner: "You have failed me for the last time, Admiral. No... you have FAILED me for the last TIME, Admiral. No... YOU have failed ME for the LAST time, Admiral. Dammit, that's not the tone..."
Cena: "A little!" *choke* "Help! Please..."


It was beginning to get annoying. Everything he went for the finishing blow, Cena's had would always get in the way!


Cena was saved from a blind cheap shot when at the very last moment, he spotted a shiny new nickel.


The firstever ThumbWar for the Chairman Position Match was tense and riveting.


"I let WHO become champ for two months???"


"It's okay, Kurt. Hunter already took care of it."


"DON'T YOU EVER USE MY MONEY TO BET ON THE ASTROS TO WIN THE PENANT AGAIN!!!!"


Suddenly, Vince was possessed by the spirit of Tanya Harding.


"No Yugi-Oh! Use the defense card! It's really a trap!!!"


Whenever Eddie was around, fans always suddenly got brilliant, exclamation mark worthy ideas.


Vince: "So, Eddie... we're gonna be doing this for The Rock?"

[Innovator]

Kurt: "Benjamin Israeli?!?!"


See Vince? Told you God likes Cruiserweight Matches


Jarrett before the roids


Why in the wide world of sports is Luther looking at Kurt?


It was at this time that Bubba took up Billy on his "high fiber" diet


Highest. Atomic Drop. Ever


Billy remembers when he first met HHH


Kurt: Here Book, the US Championship!
Booker: But Kurt, I've already won this...back in the 90's. Those damn homos in the writing team should know that. Then I won the WCW Title 5 times.
Kurt: You know Vince doesn't like it when you mention that word...
Booker: You mean WCW?
Kurt: no I mea-
*Brock jumps through the wall*
Kurt: Sorry Brock false alarm
Brock: AAAAAAWWWWWW


Kurt: Tanaka?!?! SWING ME!
Funaki: Relapse?
Luther: Yup


Bubba: And thats the second time I got crabs


Tommy Gunn has changed a lot since Rocky V huh


"YO ADRIAN! GIDDYUP!"


Belty: Thats it I'm outta here


JBL: John Bradshaw Layfield, Smackdown! rush chairman, damn glad to meet ya

[El Santo]

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed Vince: "So, Eddie... we're gonna be doing this for The Rock?"

Hee-larious.

Great job all around, Cork.

[Corkscrewed]

It's nice to have you back as well, Santo.

[parkmania]

Angle: Look, Chimmel, I'm telling you, chicks really dig the bald look.


It's good to be the king.

rep for reference


Bubba: Billy, quit trying to rip off Cena's "pumping up" bit...


Fortunately, Bubba managed to catch Kidman when Vince McMahon pulled the glass ceiling out from under Billy.


Bubba: Damn, Paul, even that guy in the front row is getting a bigger push than you.


Angle: Look, Booker, I promised the Board of directors I wouldn't tell anyone, but - It's full of chocolate.


Angle: You're FIRED!
Funaki: You're not telling me anything I don't already know.


Bubba: Our travel money's been cut, so Spike, we're gonna have to stow you in the overhead compartment on the plane to Tokyo.


JBL: And Vince really likes it when you "fluff" him right about here.


TROJAN MAAAAAN


JBL: Damn, Big Show warned me about Eddie's burritos...


Dawn Marie: You mean we got all undressed for THIS?!?


Angle: OK ladies, your next Divas Undressed photo shoot is going to take place in a REALLY exotic place... ANTARCTICA!
Torrie: NOOOOOO!
Dawn Marie, Sable, and Jackie: Anywhere but there!


Cena: I can't see you.


Worst. Back. Bodydrop. Ever.


Vince: How dare you send the Divas to Antarctica without me being there to "warm them up"?

[Transplant]

450, That was some good shit.

[Mayo]

Originally Posted by Transplant 450, That was some good shit.

Same with Corky and everyone else, great stuff

[Favre4Ever]

Spike had the misfortune of being handcuffed to the ring and forced to watch "From Justin to Kelly".



Angle: "The reason i've called you here is quite simple, ladies. Each of you will draw straws. Whoever picks the shortest straw will be involved in a gangbang with Luther and I tonight.

Torrie: "But i've already-"

Everyone Stares



Billy Kidman's worst fears had been confirmed. Bubba had tried out the new Ranchero Chicken Soft Tacos at Taco Bell, and Kidman would be the first to taste its effects.



"Bubba, swing me HIGHER!!!!!"



And all of a sudden, it was high school all over again for Spike.



John Bradshaw Layfeild puts on his best "Steriotypical Asian" expression for the cameras.



Among the Undertaker's talents as a member of the undead is the ability to turn terrible wrestlers into stone.



Bradshaw, after his confrontation with the Undertaker
"And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, this authentic Championship belt can be yours for the low, low price of $19.99............"

[PorkSoda]

Tony Chimmel: Punch me in the nose!
Kurt Angle: What?
Tony Chimmel: I want you to punch me in the nose!
Kurt Angle: What are you, Tyler Durdan of Fight Club?
Tony Chimmel: (On Knees in a begging/crying voice) Please Mr. Angle, I'm gay, Just hit me in the face and get it over with!



"This photo taken at 4:38 PM. Godzilla has awaken, and is now attacking New York City."



Sable: My pistol is....
Torrie: Loaded!
Miss Jackie: I shot...
Dawn: BETTY CROCKAAAAAAAAR!
Miss Jackie: I delievered Col Sanders for Torrie Wilson's locker!
Torrie: Oh screw you!



Dvon: OK Bubba, this is a new kind of horse. You put his head right under your belt and he'll give you the ride.
Bubba: NOOOOO!



Funaki: This is Angle, Smackdown NUMBA ONE Asshole!
Kurt Angle: What did you say? WHAT DID YOU SAY? YOU JAPANESE PUNK, YOUR FIRED!
Luther Reigns: (Low pitched) huh-hUh! Oh wait..thats not right *Cough cough* HAH-HAH! Thats better.



Bradshaws music hits.
Music: DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!
Tazz: Here comes the shit mobile.



Jackie: Hey Torrie, I used that abs machine you gave me, but I just cant seem to get any results...
Sable: Dat's cuz yew've been using it backwuhds.



JBL: I'm Tugboat...TOOT-TOOT!



Vince: Kurt, I got one thing to say to you....YOUR SSSSSSEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXY!
Kurt: What?
Vince: Huh? Oh - YOUR ON FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIRE!



Kurt: Hey Vince, is that your crutch or are you just happy to see me?

[FourFifty]

JBL: Now I'm gonna pull this fella's pants down around his ankles, and spread peanut butter on his butt cheeks while singing "Walking On Broken Glass" and I'll STILL keep the title!

[Mayo]

Haven't done Smackdown captions in a while, but here goes...


Tony Chimmel didn't know what to say when Angle started playing tea party.


Spike had gotten a lot stronger since joining the gym; he could bend the ringpost by merely bending the ropes.


Spike really hated the itch when his wife forgot to put cornstarch in his underwear.


Angle: What is the square root of 49?
*Torrie, Sable, and Jackie are puzzled*
Dawn: Kurt, is that a joke? Too easy.
Angle: Well that's the easiest way to tell a natural blonde.


Bubba: Who the fuck turned on those spotlights???
Kidman: I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.


Bubba: Jesus, who's operating the crane pulling you to safety?
Kidman:


The war between the two front seat fans escalated after the guy wearing the Bubba jersey called the guy with the sign a homo.


Angle: No, no, Booker. This title doesn't go to WCW guys anymore.

OR

Angle: We don't appreciate your kind coming in here stealing our titles.


Angle: Yeah, thats right! That guy behind me isn't called Lube Larson because he's an auto mechanic! Get him, Lube!
Funaki:


Bubba: Please tell me you didn't turn down Torrie after she asked you to come over.
Spike: I had to go over to Hunter's last night, I promised him!
D-Von: Well, at least you are keeping your push...


JBL: I know I'm almost grabbing his crotch, but its okay, I had Subway for lunch!


JR's facial paralysis had gotten a LOT worse.

OR

JR: BAHGAWDBBQSAUCESTUNNER!


JBL: Is there anyone else besides Eddie that can carry me to a good match for this title?
*crickets chirp*


Nick Patrick was getting visibly agitated after the 30th time that Bradshaw told the other guy to "Put 'er there".


The jobber writhed in pain after John "Cannibal" Bradshaw took a chunk of his hand.


Stone Cold showed a bit of ring rust after botching the Lou Thesz press.


Bradshaw felt a little too carefree when he forgot his trunks backstage.


JBL: Oh shit, my momma is watchin' tonight!


JBL: For the love of God, turn away, momma!!!


The creatures of the night began to hover around when the Deadman entered.


Taker: This is for sucking ass when you followed me in the Ministry!


The Smackdown crew had to remind casual viewers that JBL was actually the champion by editing the belt in beside him every 5 minutes.


Sable had yet to realize two things to sell watches in NYC: she had to wear a shirt under her jacket, and she actually had to have watches inside.


"Voulez vous couchez avec moi, chez soir? Im you're Lady Marmelade!"


Dawn was practicing rolling up the towel to hit Vince in the ass in the shower after Smackdown.


Jackie felt pretty embarrassed after her dress got caught on the ropes.


Torrie: How dare he say that we don't have any class?


The diva segments were so boring that Angle was falling asleep mid promo.


Torrie's attempt at a beatbox definitely proved she was white.


Sable was the only one that noticed the spotlight pointing to Torrie making out with Spike Dudley in the pressbox.


Zeus returns for another attempt at wrestling.


Rey was always too slow in the fight for the sports section.


Kidman was taking the whole 'sports smack on the ass' thing way too far.


D-Von was holding Rey down for the largest noogie in Smackdown history.


Ref: I can picture it now: Berlin, Germany, 1941. It was I and two British fellows in the infantry, and we were starting to get to know each other. I had met two strange fellows, one that was a butcher back in Middlesborough, and another from Sussex that hated tea. Can you believe it??? A Brit that hated tea?
Cena: Oh Jesus, I give up! Ring the fucking bell!


When Hebner told Cena to 'talk to the hand', that wasn't what he meant.


Cena, the new security guard for Jerry Springer, was trying his best to break up the two gay lovers.


Angle: Mr. McMahon, its great to see you again.
Vince: Hello Kurt. I hear you've done some horrible things lately.
Angle: What? Who told you? I'm so sorry Vince, it was just, Linda looked really nice in that teddy, and we just fooled around Vince.


Vince: You did WHAT with Linda???


Angle: I can't help it if I'm a sexy beast, baby.


Angle: I know you're pissed, but can I take the crutch out of my foot now?


Vince: You leave it there until I rip it out myself, you hootchie!


Angle: OW! Vince, that hurt like a bitch!


Angle: Somebody call a doctor. And somebody get some of RVD's stash to numb the pain in the meantime.


Eddie: Sorry holmes, I smoked that shit just now. I feel like I can flyyyyyyyyyy!


Vince: You sure you can drive in that condition?
Eddie: Relax Vinnie, you know I've drank much more and stayed alive.
Vince: True.

I did the last half at 2am, so don't get mad if those (or all of them) suck ass.

Vince didn't take kindly to Kurt Angle brining up the Katie Vick angle again.

Al Wilson Lives.