Vastardikai Haphazardly Books the Best (?) All Out 2023 Possible

[Vastardikai]

It's been a while, but I am gonna do a quick, slapped together at the last second version of this, to pay tribute to this slapped together at the last second PPV.

Miro vs Powerhouse Hobbs:
Alvarez took something Miro said as a joke and treated it seriously, which is a change because usually Miro tries to take himself seriously as is treated as a joke. Hobbs is a lackey for a guy who is only on camera because he writes himself into the format when Tony is busy snorting coke. Miro wins when QT fucks up interference. Hobbs apologizes to him.

CM Punk high fives a fan at a Cubs game. Alvarez reports it as him physically assaulting a fan with numerous witnesses.

Cole and MJF vs Dark Order:
Silver is very short. How short is he? He looks up at the Incredibly shrinking Cole. The Dark Order is still a thing because the Young Bucks came up with it. It should be a jobber squash, but it will be competitive. I want to point out that, in addition to being Stripmine of Honor Tag Team Champions, MJF is also AEW World Champion, so he should be vastly superior to these nerds. Then again, an overpushed jobber beat the pinned the Stripmine of Honor's World Champion in an overbooked Clusterfuck. Silver is impervious to the Double Clothesline, because he is too short to take it. Reynolds kicks out of the Panama Sunrise and powers out of Salt of the Earth, only to fall to the Double Clothesline.

Joe vs Taylor:
This is a good hoss match. Joe wins. I can't really make fun of it, because I have no clue who Shane Taylor is, and I don't care enough to look him up.

Statlander vs Soho:
It is an empty arena match. Not because that's the stipulation, but because the entire crowd left because it's a Women's Match. Statlander is a decent talent and it's a fairly good contest. The finish comes when Ruby pulls out a card that reads "Member of the Britt Kliq," so Statlander lays down voluntarily. Ruby Soho finally wins the title that was made for her but she couldn't claim because Snowman didn't wanted to prove Big Swole wrong.

Bucks and FTR vs Bullet Club Gold:
FTR are excellent. Jay and Juice are phenomenal. The Ass Boys learn a lot from FTR. The Bucks fuck everything up. They do everything, nothing sticks, and it kills the crowd worse than having a poorly booked card thrown together at the last second. A CM Punk chant breaks out, but is drowned out by a Colt Cabana chant. Well, it sounds more like the Marty Jannetty of Lanny Poffo's* himself, Ryan Nemeth screaming over the PA System that is turned way up.

For no reason other than to Placate the Bucks' Egos, FTR turns on the Bucks, hitting the Shatter Machine on Nick. The give Matt a spiked piledriver. Cash Wheeler places Austin on top of both, before being promptly arrested for Pulling a Gunn on the Young Bucks.** The Bucks kick out and, despite it being a 5 on 2 Handicap match now, The Bucks win after Nick hits Go 2 Sleep on Dax Wilder.

Adam Copeland and Mercedes Monet are shown backstage. The Britt Kliq, along with Penelope Ford and the Bunny, chase Monet off, because she is A. an outsider and B. a bigger star than Britt. Britt eye bangs Adam, who turns her down. Adam Cole walks by and says hi, and Britt pretends to be dedicated to him, again. As they walk away, Britt mouths "Call Me" to him. Adam rolls his eyes. Matt Hardy rolls in and tries to say "So you DON'T always bang another wrestler's girlfriend?!" at Copeland, but instead it sounds like "I need one more run to feel important again, we can make it happen, even if I have to prop Jeff up in the corner."

Luchasaurus vs Allin:
Lucha wrestles like he is underwater and Darby is hell bent on killing himself. No one knows who wins, because Sting brings back his most popular TNA persona: Real Estate Steve. Sting and Christian reform the Main Event Mafia with Jeff Jarrett and they beat up both wrestlers, and the match ends in no contest.

Ricky Starks vs Ricky Steamboat (Strap Match):
Easily the best match of the Night. In a properly run company, Starks would get massive heat from brutalizing the Old man. Steamboat would get some hope spots, but Ricky mostly dominates before Punk helps the legend win, intensifying their issue. For some reason, Punk isn't here. Instead Starks wins and is forgotten about for another year. He just marks another day on his calendar until he can call Triple H.

Kingston/Shibata vs. Claudio/Yuta
Claudio and Kingston have a competive Banger. Shibata has to sell for the Uncharismatic Enigma, while he contemplates shoot headbutting him and possibly dying. Claudio takes the pin again, because Tony Khan thinks Yuta is going to be something. I am more likely to have Sky Blue sit on my face.

CM Punk hugs AJ Lee after he comes back from the ball game. Bryan Alvarez reports it as "CM Punk brutally assaults his wife."

Omega vs. Takeshita:
I want to point out, once again, that Snowman got rid of Big Bills last name but kept Takeshita's. Booker of the Year, ladies and gentlemen. I don't care enough to make fun of this match. Omega wins, because he's an EVP. A CM Punk chant breaks out again, but is drowned out by a "Ryan Nemeth" chant. This time, it's Colt Cabana by himself over the PA System.

Main Event:
Jon Moxley vs Orange Cassidy:

Somewhere in Kentucky, an Old Man puts down his tennis racket, picks up a gun and blows his brains out. He's the lucky one. Orange puts his hands in his pockets. This causes Moxley to bleed, somehow. I am trying to figure out what would be the worst outcome: Moxley winning the belt and turning the mascot title into a bunch of gory, untasteful waste of time, or Cassidy winning, and in the course of a week defeating both the ROH Champion AND the former 3 time AEW World Champion. The latter, probably. So that's what's going to happen. Because AEW Title has to go around his scrawny waist. And that is the moment that ends AEW.


*Lanny Poffo's in this sense would be the less famous brother of a major wrestling star that also wrestled, much like how Lanny Poffo was to Randy Savage. Owen Hart isn't a Lanny Poffo, as his fame was on a similar level to Bret's. Stevie Ray is on the borderline of being a Lanny Poffo. For the record, despite being the person I named this whole bit after, Lanny Poffo isn't the Shawn Michaels of Lanny Poffo's. That would be Sam Houston.

**For the record, I made this entire post just so I could do this one joke. I am not ashamed.

[Mr. Nerfect]

Alvarez reporting Punk high-fiving fans and Cash Wheeler pulling a Gunn got me good.

[Mr. Nerfect]

* MJF announces on Collision that it will be a Better Than You Gauntlet at All Out. They’ll defend the ROH Tag Titles three times throughout the show. There’s absolutely no way you’re going to get sick of this act.

* MJF & Adam Cole defeat The Dark Order with the Double Clothesline. They all shake hands afterwards. The Dark Order light two candles. For Brodie and Bray, not for their careers.

* Kris Statlander defeats Ruby Soho with whatever her finisher is. Decent match because it doesn’t go long. Ruby’s dreams of The Outcasts walking out with all the gold vanish. Mercedes Martinez attacks Statlander from behind and we have an angle!

* Samoa Joe defeats Shane Taylor by choking him out. Taylor doesn’t pass out or choke on a bone. The King of Television reigns supreme as they continue not to mention what show Samoa Joe’s body is on.

* Luchasaurus defeats Darby Allin with a Chokeslam off the top rope through a flaming coffin. It explodes and Christian Cage can now cut promos about how Darby Allin is dead to get heat.

* MJF & Adam Cole defeat The Kingdom. Maria tries to seduce Adam Cole, but it doesn’t work because he loves his wife. MJF falls for it. He tags in Cole who kicks ass, but is stopped by a Mike Bennett Piledriver. MJF gets mad and then gives Mike Bennett the Heat Seeker for the win.

* Toni Storm defeats Britt Baker & Saraya in a three-way to win the AEW Women’s Title. It’s the kind of three-way Juice Robinson is totally OK with, not the type of three-way Adam Cole knows nothing about. Ruby takes out Britt Baker, gets taken out by Willow Nightingale, Toni sprays Saraya with the paint can, Saraya gets high and makes the same career decisions she’s made over the past decade.

* Andrade El Idolo defeats Malakai Black. Zelina Vega isn’t only not involved, she’s not even watching. Andrade wins.

* Miro defeats Powerhouse Hobbs. He brings his hot wife with him to ringside. His god remains absent. CM Punk is still suspended. Miro beats Hobbs when QT fucks up, maybe hitting Hobbs with one of CJ Perry’s heels. Hobbs turns face on Collision.

* FTR & The Young Bucks defeat Bullet Club Gold. I don’t have a quip as good as Vastardikai’s, but Cash pulls out an actual gun and shoots The Bucks. FTR lose the handicap match to the heels.

* Ricky wins the strap match.

* Eddie Kingston & Shibata defeat Claudio & Wheeler Yuta. Hey look — two straight matches where there are participants that can’t bump. I should have put Saraya’s match in there too.

* Orange Cassidy beats Jon Moxley because it’s time for Mox’s vacation.

* Takeshita defeats Kenny Omega. This goes after Mox & Cassidy so you can have a prolonged toilet break.

* The Golden Vampire & Mark Briscoe defeat MJF & Adam Cole in the main event to win the ROH World Tag Team Titles. CM Punk is still suspended, but no one said anything about The Golden Vampire.

[screech]

Originally Posted by Vastardikai Sting and Christian reform the Main Event Mafia with Jeff Jarrett and they beat up both wrestlers, and the match ends in no contest.

This alone would make the PPV worth it.