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Old 12-13-2020, 09:03 AM   #1
SenatorJPO
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Exclamation 'Twas the Night Before FUNB Hogan Invaded My Home
With Santa sitting-out Christmas due-to COVID, one man has stepped-forward to fill the void: Hulk Hogan!

This development truly-is an instance of life imitating art, when considering Hogan had portrayed the titular character in the cult-classic film Santa With Muscles.

Unfortunately, our children aren't getting the smiling "Santa With Muscles," or even the red-and-yellow-clad Hogan they know...

...They're getting the FUNB Hulkster!

Imagine this scene: A few pre-adolescent children -- well-into their "mark-out for Santa" stage -- anxiously wait-for their gift-giving visitor.

They lurk in the well-decked halls of their living room. Hundreds-of-lights -- entwined among the branches of their Christmas tree -- faintly silhouette the aspiring Santa-watchers.

Although these pre-occupied children have hid-behind their Christmas tree for only 15 minutes; to their excited minds, the wait has-seemed-like an eternity!

The youngest hungrily eyes the cookies they've left-for Santa and declares: "If Santa don't show-up, then I eat his cookies!"

Suddenly, an audible -thud- diverts the children's attention; rapidly scanning the room, they soon-gaze towards a window near the far-corner of their living room. A shadowy figure climbs-through the now-opened window...

...And what-appears is not a bulky elf, covered-in soot and pixie dust; but a roided-up, pissed-off Hogan!

"You kids, what are you doing-up? Get your carcasses back-in bed right-now, brother!"

The two-younger siblings run-off, accidentally brushing some branches and knocking-off some glass ornaments that shatter-with-a-tinkle upon the floor.

"Don't make-fun-of Steve Austin's entrance theme, brother!"

The eldest brother remains, cowering-behind the Christmas tree and wondering-whether this is just a gingerbread-induced nightmare.

To test reality, the boy summons his courage to dialogue-with this terrifying incarnation of the Hulkster.

"Where's your sack-of-toys? Did you forget it?"

"These 24-inch pythons don't need a sack, brother. And the Hulkster never forgets, brother!"

"What gifts did you bring-us?"

"I typically don't-give spoilers to Internet marks; but I'll make-an-exception for you, brother."

Hogan produces two-small vials from an interior pocket of his black, FUNB-emblazoned vest.

He holds-them-aloft in his left hand, while pointing-with his right hand.

"The left tube contains one fluid-ounce of flea-market champion Billy Kidman's blood. I forcefully extracted it back-in-the-day, brother!"

Hogan pivots his pointer and continues his show-and-tell.

"And the right tube has peach-fuzz shaven-off Eric Bischoff's backside! I wasn't joking-about shaving his ass, brother!"

Intrigued, the boy chimes-in: "But Ric Flair's the-one-who said he'd shave Bischoff! You said-that-you'd -eat- him."

"Never-mind story lines, brother! If you don't take these gimmicks, then I'll find another mark to offload-them onto."

"These are -all- our gifts?"

"Beggars can't be choosers, brother!"

With that declaration, Hogan returns the vials to his vest-pocket and walks-away: As-quickly-as he came, FUNB Hulkster stalks-into the night.

-The End-
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Old 12-13-2020, 10:57 AM   #2
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FUNB Hulk Hogan is the greatest. Well done Senator.
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Old 12-13-2020, 03:14 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bad News Gertner View Post
FUNB Hulk Hogan is the greatest. Well-done, Senator.

Thank you, BNG!

I find it kind-of funny; I find it kind-of sad that my inspiration for this tale, was the Tears-for-Fears song "Mad World"...

...More specifically, the punk-band Evergreen Terrace's cover-rendition; which I heard-while-watching a video montage entitled "WCW - Weird and Funny Moment - Part 2" about 8 years ago.

(I would share the link to the clip-compilation; however, WWE has apparently removed the video. Or at-least, -I- cannot find it!)

The particular lyric that piqued my creativity was: "Children waiting for the day they feel-good? Happy birthday, happy birthday-ay-ay!"

Which I repurposed into: "Children waiting for the Fun-Bee Hulkster? Merry Christmas, merry Christmass-ass-ass!"

P.S.

Home-Invasion Hogan puts O.J. Simpson to shame. #IfIDidIt, #HoganStyle
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Old 12-13-2020, 03:19 PM   #4
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Hulk Hogan invading my home would be the only reason for me to whip out a firearm.
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Old 12-13-2020, 03:50 PM   #5
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"The NB stands for New Blood. The FU. Well you figure it out"
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Old 06-27-2021, 11:45 AM   #6
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#freesenatorjpo
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Old 06-30-2021, 11:31 PM   #7
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