|03-22-2004, 08:55 PM||#1|
Backstage Meeting (parody)
(With the upcoming RAW/Smackdown! draft lottery, Vince McMahon decided to hold backstage meetings with several of the wrestlers to decide their fates. Vince McMahon sits behind a large desk, next to him are his children Shane and Stephanie McMahon, Jim Ross, Eric Bischoff, and Paul Heyman.)
Vince: Okay, you all know why we're here. The draft lottery is tonight, and we must decide what is going to happen to the WWE superstars' careers. Now, as far as the GMs go, it has become quite apparent to me that both Eric and Paul have been doing a great job as the General Managers of their respective brands.
Paul: Thank you, Vince.
Eric: Thank you, Mr.McMahon, and I'd just like to say...
JR: Shut up, Eric.
(Bischoff stares at JR)
Vince: However, I have decided that the responsibility is too much for both of you, and therefore I, Vincent K. McMahon, will act as the General Manager of both RAW and Smackdown.
(Bischoff turns and stares at Vince. Paul spits up the coffee he was sipping on.)
Eric and Paul: WHAT?!
Vince: Yes, because you see, while you two have been doing a great job as the General Managers, the ratings continue to fall. But with my added presense and 20 minute opening promos, I'm sure that we'll have a great spike in the Nielsons! Don't you agree, JR?
JR (all fired up): Bah gawd yes, Mr. McMahon!!!
Vince: Did you take your qualude before this meeting like I asked you to?
Vince: Get out of my sight.
(JR gets up and waddles off as Paul Heyman interjects.)
Heyman: Forgive me for saying so, Vince, but the ratings have actually been increasing lately with Eddie Guerrero as WWE Champion.
Vince: Listen Paul, maybe one day when you have your OWN company, then you can decide how to run it.
(Vince, Steph and Shane all look at each other then burst out laughing. Heyman throws his coffee down in disgust and leaves.)
Vince: Hahahaha... ahhh, that was great. Okay, well, I was going to let Paul run an ECW promotion within the company, but I guess he's having his period this week, so Steph, you can do it.
Vince: Okay, well let's have our first superstar come in, shall we?
(Vince presses a buzzer on his desk, and WWE Champion Eddie Guerrero walks in.)
Eddie: Olale, Vince!
Vince: Olale, Eddie! Haha! I love that. Look, Eddie, you've been doing a great job as champion, you've cemented yourself a spot in WWE history, and there isn't a bit of advice that I have for you. Keep up the good work. You're staying on Smackdown. Will you have Triple H come in after you, please?
Eddie: Sure, Vince, thanks a lot esse!
(Eddie walks out and Triple H walks in.)
Triple H: Whats up, pops?
Vince: Hey Hunter, how's that car treating you?
Triple H: Great, Vince. What's up?
Vince: Well, look, I know you enjoy being on a live show every Monday night, but somebody needs to take the belt off of Eddie, and nobody deserves the WWE Title more than you do. So I'm moving you to Smackdown.
Triple H: But Vince, you said that Benoit would job me the World Heavyweight Title back in Edmonton! Whats up with that?
Vince: Hey, hey, take it easy, big guy. You'll win the WWE Title on Smackdown, then move back to RAW, and unify the titles in Edmonton, okay?
Shane: I thought we were keeping the belts seperate?
Triple H: Hey, shut up, Shane!
Vince: Yeah, shut up.
(Shane looks from Trips to Vince before folding his arms and withdrawing from the conversation.)
Triple H: That sounds like a great plan, Vince. It'll make some great TV.
(HHH and Vince shake hands before the Game leaves. JR walks back into the room and sits down. Vince watches him skeptically.)
Vince: Better now?
(JR nods his head. Vince grins maliciously.)
Vince: We'll see about that.
(He hits the buzzer and Stone Cold Steve Austin walks in and sits down. JR's body literally starts to shake.)
Vince: Glad to have you here, Steve.
Austin: Glad to...
JR: STUNNER!!! STUNNER! BAH GAWD, WHAT A STUNNER!!!
Vince: GET OUT!!!
(JR stands up and walks out of the room, still muttering "Stunner... Rattlesnake... toughest SOB... Stunner...")
Vince: Now, where were we? Okay, there's been a lot of talk about sending you to Smackdown, but with Trips going there, I don't want you two to fight for the spotlight. So, I'm keeping you on RAW.
Austin: But Vince, there's nothing left for me to do on RAW.
Vince: Nonsense! A bunch of Smackdown guys that you can bury are coming to RAW. Tajiri, Rey Mysterio, Shelton Benjamin, Rikishi, Nunzio...
Austin: Vince, those are a bunch of jobbers. Can I please make John Cena my bitch? That guys not going anywhere.
(Vince thinks about it for a minute)
Vince: Okay, you got it. Happy with RAW?
Austin: Hey, if John Cena's my bitch, I'm happy. Thanks Vince.
(The two men shake hands before Austin walks out. Vince, Shane and Steph look over some papers when Rob Van Dam walks in.)
(Vince looks up)
Vince (under his breath): Who is that?
Shane (under his breath): It's...
RVD: Hey, hey, allow me. My name is ROB-VAN-DAM! And your name is VINCE-MAC-MAHON! Haha!
Vince: Vince-Mac-Mahon, haha! I love that!
RVD: Hey, I was wondering if it's okay if I come to Smackdown... heh heh... I said "come."
Shane: Rob, we've already decided to keep you and Booker T together on RAW...
Vince: No, no, RVD, you can go to Smackdown. In fact, if you move to Smackdown you'll recieve the biggest push of your career. What do you think about that?
RVD: Righteous, Vince. You know, no matter what Heyman told me, I don't think that your a pompous ass with a small penis.
(RVD walks out as Vince fumes. Undertaker walks in and Vince's mood is suddenly lifted.)
Vince: Mark! Great to see you, buddy!
Undertaker: Great to see you too, boss. Got any plans for me?
Vince: Well, I just sent RVD to Smackdown so that Triple H has someone to job for him after he beats Eddie for the WWE Title. That means there's a slot open on RAW.
Undertaker: RAW will work for me, as long as my new Deadman character gets a push.
Vince: Haha, trust me, Mark, there will be plenty of people for you to squash on RAW.
(UT and Vince shake hands. As Taker is leaving the room, Brock Lesnar walks in looking like he hasn't had any sleep in days.)
Brock: Vince.... I want to come back to the WWE. It's only been a week, and every NFL team in the league has sent me a letter of rejection. Please take me back.
(Vince starts cackling madly.)
Vince: You want to come back to the WWE?
Brock: Yes! I'll do anything, Vince! Please!
Vince: Shut the door and take off your pants for a start.
(Brock stares at him in disbelief, then sighs regretfully, and shuts the door...)
Was there a point to that? Not really.
Was it full of sophomoric humor? Of course.
Did you like it? Tell me.