LOL Mitch Hedberg is ****ing hilarious [Archive]

Triple A

12-24-2003, 05:40 PM

OMFG I just saw him on Conan last night and I was ROFL, so I dled a bunch of his stuff afterwards, and OMG, nonstop ROFL.

Holy shit, he rules.

His delivery is classic. He is all laid back and shit. He is the man.

"i like escalators cause they can't break. they can only become stairs. there will never be a temporarily out of order siiiign. only a temporarily stairs"

"i went to a heavy metal concert... this band... they were heavy man... and the singer stood up and he yells, he says 'how many of you people feel like human beings tonight', and then he says 'how many of you feel like animalsssss?' and everyone cheered after the animals part... but the thing is, i cheered after the human beings part because i did not know there was a second part to the question. i said yes i do feel like a human."

LOL

DL some shit from Kazaa. It is gold.

PoisonIvy

12-24-2003, 05:46 PM

Seen alot of his stuff. Great guy, love him so much. I remember him on an episode of That 70's Show. It was like:

Kelso, I think: Why can't you just bring us our food?
Mitch: I did not lose a leg in Vietnam to wait on a bunch of kids.
Hyde: But youve got both your legs
Mitch: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam to wait on a bunch of kids.

Yeah, I messed it up, but its an old episode, haven't seen it lately.

AareDub

12-24-2003, 06:12 PM

The best one...

"I was at a casino standing by the door and a security guard comes up and says "you're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As if there was a fire, I wasn't going to run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

Mitch Hedberg is the F'NG MAN!! I can't wait to get his CD and DVD. I probably have all the stuff downloaded anyway, but it's worth actually buying.

loopydate

12-24-2003, 06:25 PM

I love his routine about waiting at a restaurant. I'm going to mess this up, but...

"'Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.'

And then if they don't answer, he goes on to the next name:

'Miller, party of four.'

And I'm wondering 'What happened to the Dufresnes?' Isn't anyone worried about what happened to them? It should be 'Miller, search party of four. You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.'

The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now. And they're hungry. It's a double whammy."

The Mask

12-24-2003, 08:38 PM

I didn't find him that funny :meh:

asphyXy

12-24-2003, 08:43 PM

I posted topics about him like 2 years ago. Should've listened to me, asshole.

AareDub

12-24-2003, 11:41 PM

asphyXy

12-25-2003, 12:23 AM

I had a talking parrot, but it never said "I'm hungry" so it died.

Nowhere Man

12-25-2003, 01:03 AM

Got the CD and DVD for Christmas. Mitch rules.

My favorite Mitch-isms:

"This shirt is dry clean only....which means....it's dirty."

"I enjoy Kit-Kat bars, unless I am with four or more people."

#1-norm-fan

12-25-2003, 01:07 AM

Hmm. Seems I suggested Mitch in your "Tell me a good comedian" topic or whatever. The guy is a f*cking god!

AareDub

12-25-2003, 09:59 AM

Is the CD/DVD thing in stores or am I going to have to order it from Comedy Central or something?

Nowhere Man

12-25-2003, 10:17 AM

I've seen it in stores

AareDub

12-25-2003, 05:09 PM

Coolness, I'll wait a few days for the Xmas madness to die down, then I'll see if I can find it.

The Miz

12-25-2003, 05:13 PM

if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be ****ed up.

Triple A

12-25-2003, 10:47 PM

if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be ****ed up.
LOL

Triple A

12-27-2003, 04:06 AM

YES I bought his new CD/DVD today, "Mitch All Together". The DVD has the uncut version of his Comedy Central special.

I can't wait to listen to this shit. :love:

Triple A

12-27-2003, 05:02 AM

I planted a carrot once

#1-norm-fan

12-27-2003, 06:07 AM

I'll be going out tomorrow looking for the CD/DVD. Are they sold seperately or together?

AareDub

12-27-2003, 10:46 AM

YES I bought his new CD/DVD today, "Mitch All Together". The DVD has the uncut version of his Comedy Central special.

I can't wait to listen to this shit. :love:

Is that the only thing on the DVD or is there more?

#1-norm-fan

12-28-2003, 12:51 AM

I went out looking for it today and couldn't find it. Is it all together or not?

#1-norm-fan

12-28-2003, 04:08 AM

*bump*

Triple A

12-28-2003, 04:29 AM

Yeah it's a CD/DVD all together. I got it for $13.99 at Tower Records.

The CD has a lot of new material. It is pretty good but his old material is more funny, IMO.

The DVD has the aired version of the Comedy Central special, and the uncut version, which is like a half hour more of shit, because the crowd totally wasn't "getting" him or something, so he threw in a shit load of old material at the end of the special "for editing" lol. He was like, "this should be called the Mitch Hedberg Not So Special".

He is the man. :love:

Also, there is a 5 minute or so thing of him from Comedy Central Premium Blend. It is really old I think. He doesn't have his glasses on in it.

Triple A

12-28-2003, 06:18 AM

Popsicles are for the summertime

AareDub

12-28-2003, 11:15 AM

You can see the old premium blend thing from his website www.mitchhedberg.net as well as some stuff from Letterman and a few other random appearances. I think they even have a clip from his movie Los Enchiladas.

fonzy

12-28-2003, 11:32 AM

"I enjoy Kit-Kat bars, unless I am with four or more people."

<center>LOL

#1-norm-fan

12-29-2003, 05:15 AM

I bought it today. The CD is even better than his first one! :lol:

Triple A

12-29-2003, 05:30 AM

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

AareDub

12-29-2003, 09:37 AM

This morning I got up and made instant oatmeal, then I didn't do anything for an hour. I could've made the regular oatmeal and felt productive.

(I'm pretty sure that's how that one goes)

#1-norm-fan

12-29-2003, 06:29 PM

Kit Kat bars have the name engraved on the chocolate... That robs you of chocolate! It is a clever chocolate saving technique.

I hate dreaming cause when I sleep, I just wanna sleep. But then when I dream, I have to actually do work. It's like I'm all comfortable laying in bed in my hotel, everything's peaceful, then all of a sudden I have to build a go-cart with my ex landlord.

#1-norm-fan

12-29-2003, 06:30 PM

I think people should be limited to three honks of the car horn. Cause then, when some fu</>cker cuts you off, you press the horn and nothing happens. Then you're all like "Sh</>it, I wish I hadn't-a seen Ricky on the sidewalk."

Triple A

12-29-2003, 10:42 PM

I think they could take sesame seeds out the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened?"

What does a sesame seed grow into? I dunno. We never give them a chance. What the fu</>ck is a sesame?

samichna

12-29-2003, 10:58 PM

LOL

#1-norm-fan

12-29-2003, 11:25 PM

How does the sesame seed stick to the bun? It's fu</>cking magical.

Draven

12-30-2003, 12:42 AM

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

Draven

12-30-2003, 12:44 AM

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where the **** did you get that camera man?

I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

Draven

12-30-2003, 12:45 AM

lol Mitch Hedberg is the fuc</>king man!

12-30-2003, 04:36 AM

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana so I said "no", but I wanted a regular banana later so I said "yeah".

I highlighted my hair last week cuz I felt certain strands are more important than others.

#1-norm-fan

12-30-2003, 04:44 AM

I wanna make a vending machine that dispenses vending machines. It would have to be fu</>cking enormous!

Nowhere Man

12-30-2003, 04:52 AM

I wanna see a forklift...lift a crate of forks. Just 'cause it'd be so damn literal.

If you had a friend who was a tight-rope walker, and you saw him trip and fall on the sidewalk, that would be totally unacceptable.

I have an oscillating fan that moves its head back and forth, so it looks like it's shaking it's head 'no.' So I'll start asking it things that it might say 'no' to, like:

'Do you keep my hair in place?'
'No.'
'Do you keep my documents in order?'
'No.'
'Do you have multiple settings?'
'No.'
'Liar!'

Triple A

12-30-2003, 04:55 AM

I wanna make a vending machine that dispenses vending machines. It would have to be fu</>cking enormous!
Stop putting exclamation points at the end of his jokes, asshole. It makes them less funny.

#1-norm-fan

12-30-2003, 04:57 AM

Listen to him. He stresses out words but he does it all calmly and sh</>it. I'm all confused on how to type it. And that's the only one I put an exclamation point on because he gets all excited at the end.

Triple A

12-30-2003, 05:08 AM

Yeah true. I guess you could capitalize parts of words. Like

I was on the Craig Kilborn Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up and said, "Dude, I saw you on TV last night." But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good. He just confirmed I was on television.

So I turned my head away from him for about a minute and I turned it back and I said, "dude, I saw you at the AIR... PORT... about a MINUTE... AGO. ... You were gooood."

Triple A

12-30-2003, 05:11 AM

It is weird if you listen to his first CD and then the new one back to back. He sounds really different in the new one. It kinda sucks. He doesn't have the same delivery. He is not stoned in the second one. :'(

#1-norm-fan

12-30-2003, 05:16 AM

I think the jokes themselves are better in the second one though.

#1-norm-fan

12-30-2003, 05:17 AM

Plus he cusses alot more in the second one and it's always well timed.

Triple A

12-30-2003, 05:28 AM

The first CD is like twice as long though. The second one seems like all the crappy jokes got edited out. I like the first one better. It's more raw and uncut and he sounds funnier. :love:

"Where are all the during photos at? ... That joke's not really ff-layed out... It refers to before and after..."

"Say... get your priorities crooked. That's my sister. That's what I tell her. She's too straight laced. I say get your priorities crooked... Haha alright... I'm stoned man."

"A guy told me he liked cherries... but I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato before I realized he liked cherries... just. Alright that joke is ridiculous. That's like a carbon copy of the previous joke... with different ingredients. I don't know what I was trying to pull off there. That one might be edited."

"How long can a CD be? I might have to do two tonight. No, I'm kidding. That would be too much comedy."

#1-norm-fan

12-30-2003, 06:24 AM

Yeah. It is weird listening to the first one after listening to the second one because it sounds like the first is in slow-mo or something, like the speed is messed up cause his voice is so low and he sounds bored. He did alot of rambling in the first one, some of which bordered on unfunny like the whole suitcase cuffed to his wrist thing. Kinda like the uncut comedy central special. He kinda rambled and the audience was all getting quiet and it ruined the mood.

BTW, WTF @ them editing the long hair/cake joke out of the actual special. That joke was GOLD!

AareDub

12-31-2003, 03:54 PM

I want to stop following my dreams, I'm just gonna ask them where they are going and try to hook up with them later. :D

I like refried beans, but I want to try fried beans. Maybe they are just as good and we're wasting time.

Yesterday I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.

For those that bought the CD/DVD thing where did you get it? Like what store and what section? I went to Best Buy, FYE, Suncoast, and Wal Mart and couldn't find it anywhere. I was kinda lost looking around, I checked in the comedy and special interest sections of the DVD areas and wasn't sure where to check in the CD areas, I just looked around until I saw something that it might be under. Is it in a DVD case or a regular sized CD case?

Triple A

12-31-2003, 04:28 PM

Look in the CD section. Ask someone. I got it from Tower Records.

It's the size of a CD case, but comes in like a cardboard flip out thing, not a jewel case.

Supreme Olajuwon

12-31-2003, 04:50 PM

As a comedian you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You cant be like pancakes...all exciting at first but then by the end youre fu</>cking sick of them.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap

#1-norm-fan

12-31-2003, 06:10 PM

I think I spent more on gas looking around for it than I did on the CD itself. I finally got it at the Wherehouse. I tried Best Buy but they were all sold out.

samichna

12-31-2003, 08:14 PM

lol yeah he is mad funny

AareDub

01-01-2004, 02:36 PM

What section of the CD place was it in. Like was there a comedy section or something? I might just take the easy way out and order it off amazon or something.

#1-norm-fan

01-02-2004, 01:16 AM

It was in the very small comedy section.

el fregadero

01-02-2004, 02:47 AM

I downloaded some of his stuff. He is quite comical. :y:

Champion of Europa

01-02-2004, 01:52 PM

I've been into his stuff for a long time, but I didn't know he had a CD until I read it in this topic.

I picked it up a few days ago. :love:

el fregadero

01-04-2004, 02:16 AM

I feel that ducks impression of me is based on whether or not I have bread. The duck loves bread but lacks the capability to purchase it.

LOL

Triple A

01-04-2004, 02:58 AM

LOL when he ****s up it is the funniest shit.

"If I was a locksmith I'd be f</>uckin... pimpin that shit out. 'Say, what's goin on, man? Tell you what... I'll trade you... a free... key duplication f-' HAHAHA alright. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good, cause there's no ending."

04-16-2004, 02:55 AM

*Bump*

Finally picked up the cd today. Funny shit!

"I dont have a microwave I just have a clock that cooks shit."

"I have a oscolating fan and when I look at it, it looks like its saying "no". And I'll ask it questions. Do you keep my hair in place? Will you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? LAIR! So I pulled the pin up and now it dont say shit."

Shaggy

04-16-2004, 10:23 AM

"I dont have a microwave I just have a clock that cooks shit."

"I have a oscolating fan and when I look at it, it looks like its saying "no". And I'll ask it questions. Do you keep my hair in place? Will you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? LAIR! So I pulled the pin up and now it dont say shit."

Classic great lines. Funny as hell.

samichna

04-16-2004, 10:30 AM

Yeah he is the man

bobfinger

04-16-2004, 10:40 AM

"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen bannana, I said no, but I'll want a regular bannana later, so I said yeah."

el fregadero

04-16-2004, 04:54 PM

Man, I haven't watched his stand up in a while. :'(

PapaGeorgio

04-17-2004, 02:35 AM

The other day at school during Gym class we were all sitting in the hall way not doing Gym Class stuff. Well this one guy goes to the bathroom and comes out to his friends. He says something along the lines of, "I just realized something. Ya see while I was taking a piss I saw this Pringles can. And I realized that the Pringle company was orignally going to make tennis balls..." and you know how the rest goes. Well towards the end I ****ed with him. I was all hey that is pretty funny man(now I never talk to this kid cause he is a loser). And then I was all to bad your ass stole it from Mitch Hedberg you ****ing tool. It was funny, all his loser friends laughed at him and he was pretty mad because he is one of those guys who tries not to be a tool. I also apologize for my lack of spelling, grammar and whatever else is wrong with this post and I don't feel like giving an excuse.

Kris P Lettus

04-17-2004, 05:24 AM

If you had a friend who was a tight-rope walker, and you saw him trip and fall on the sidewalk, that would be totally unacceptable.

lmfao

Supreme Olajuwon

04-21-2004, 11:11 PM

wooo Mitch is coming to Cincinnati in June

loopydate

04-21-2004, 11:37 PM

wooo Mitch is coming to Cincinnati in June
SEE HIM!

I saw him back in January, and laughed my ass off.

07-10-2004, 10:09 AM

Sweet I just found out he is coming to the local comedy club in about a month. Going to see him. :y:

08-29-2004, 12:42 AM

Well just got back from seeing him live. Its fucking rocked. Some new stuff he siaid was.

"Bridges are just reminders that cars cant swim."

"Ever noticed that all the pictures of Bigfoot are blurry. Its not that the pictures are bad, Bigfoot is actually blurry as hell. It would be like "hey is that bigfoot?" I dont know cuz that fucker is blurry."

OssMan

09-05-2004, 11:25 PM

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah I have his cd, Strategic Grill Locations, I listened to it like everyday for a month.

FakeLaser

09-06-2004, 01:33 AM

I love Mitch. I have a friend who is so obsessed with him that he's like, adopted his vocal mannerisms.

OssMan

09-06-2004, 02:01 AM

"I play sports, no I don't, what the fuck"

"I play tennis. the thing that's depressing about tennis is no matter how good I get, I'll never be better than a wall. I played a wall once, that fucker relentless."

Buzzkill

09-06-2004, 03:07 AM

lol, downloaded his CD and his thing from conan + letterman, fucking hilarious

Buzzkill

09-06-2004, 03:10 AM

I sit at the hotel at night and think of something thats funny, then I go get a pen and write it down. Or, if the pens too far away, I gotta convince myself that what I thought of, aint funny

Buzzkill

04-06-2005, 01:30 AM

Buzzkill

04-06-2005, 01:30 AM

I have been saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

Triple A

04-06-2005, 01:33 AM

Triple A

04-06-2005, 01:35 AM

If I was a locksmith I'd be fuckin... pimpin that shit out. 'Say, what's goin on, man? Tell you what... I'll trade you... a free... key duplication f-

Triple A

04-06-2005, 01:36 AM

Damn I feel like a huge fag who got into him really late or whatever. :roll: :mad:

Ol Dirty Dastard

04-06-2005, 08:27 AM

My buddy was all "Mitch has a cottage near me in Haliburton (Mike Myers has one by there as well, mad celebs love the Canadian cottage country) and he told me he was doing the same thing Pauly Shore did and he isn't dead"

The guy has never lied to me before, but I DUNNO, we shall see I guess hopefully he isn't lying.

el fregadero

04-06-2005, 01:03 PM

Pauly Shore faked his death?

04-06-2005, 03:29 PM

Wait Pauley Shore isnt dead?

YOUR Hero

04-09-2005, 04:21 PM

This thread, apart from the one I saw mentioning Mitch Hedberg being dead, is the first time I've heard of him. I never opened the Mitch Hedberg is dead one because I figured why read about someone I don't know.

Damn, the guy sounds funny. I'll have to look up some of his stuff.

Requiem

04-09-2005, 04:31 PM

Pauley Shore did a documanteray-style movie about what if he died.. I guess he like had some camera crews go around to all these celebs, and see what they thought about Pauley Shore's death.. Somethin like that. I dunno..

PapaGeorgio

04-09-2005, 05:47 PM

Yeah "Pauly Shore is Dead" was the movie. I bought it one day think it might be funny in some way due to all cameos and shit. It sucked big time, like it had a few decent moments but otherwise you just wish he really died. Terrible fucking movie.

#1-norm-fan

04-10-2005, 03:31 AM

I bought "Pauly Shore is Dead" too. It's not a documentary. It's an actual movie about Pauly Shore faking his own death. I figured it HAD to be good. He was basically making fun of himself and his bad movies so I was thinking "He knows his other movies are bad, so now he's gonna make this one to kind of make fun of those... obviously this can't be bad."

I was wrong. It was horrific. I would have rather just watched Jury Duty.

Loose Cannon

04-10-2005, 01:02 PM

Pauley Shore :lol:

Gone Mad

04-10-2005, 10:15 PM

Yeah, I just found out a week ago about his death. My style of telling jokes have been compared to his but of course his was better. I wanted to meet him since he was coming to my area, but looks like I won't have that chance. RIP, Mitch.