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Old 12-24-2003, 05:40 PM   #1
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LOL Mitch Hedberg is ****ing hilarious
OMFG I just saw him on Conan last night and I was ROFL, so I dled a bunch of his stuff afterwards, and OMG, nonstop ROFL.

Holy shit, he rules.

His delivery is classic. He is all laid back and shit. He is the man.

"i like escalators cause they can't break. they can only become stairs. there will never be a temporarily out of order siiiign. only a temporarily stairs"

"i went to a heavy metal concert... this band... they were heavy man... and the singer stood up and he yells, he says 'how many of you people feel like human beings tonight', and then he says 'how many of you feel like animalsssss?' and everyone cheered after the animals part... but the thing is, i cheered after the human beings part because i did not know there was a second part to the question. i said yes i do feel like a human."

LOL

DL some shit from Kazaa. It is gold.
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Old 12-24-2003, 05:46 PM   #2
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Seen alot of his stuff. Great guy, love him so much. I remember him on an episode of That 70's Show. It was like:

Kelso, I think: Why can't you just bring us our food?
Mitch: I did not lose a leg in Vietnam to wait on a bunch of kids.
Hyde: But youve got both your legs
Mitch: Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam to wait on a bunch of kids.

Yeah, I messed it up, but its an old episode, haven't seen it lately.
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Old 12-24-2003, 06:12 PM   #3
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The best one...

"I was at a casino standing by the door and a security guard comes up and says "you're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As if there was a fire, I wasn't going to run. If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

Mitch Hedberg is the F'NG MAN!! I can't wait to get his CD and DVD. I probably have all the stuff downloaded anyway, but it's worth actually buying.
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Old 12-24-2003, 06:25 PM   #4
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I love his routine about waiting at a restaurant. I'm going to mess this up, but...

"'Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.'

And then if they don't answer, he goes on to the next name:

'Miller, party of four.'

And I'm wondering 'What happened to the Dufresnes?' Isn't anyone worried about what happened to them? It should be 'Miller, search party of four. You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.'

The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now. And they're hungry. It's a double whammy."
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Old 12-24-2003, 08:38 PM   #5
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I didn't find him that funny :meh:
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Old 12-24-2003, 08:43 PM   #6
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I posted topics about him like 2 years ago. Should've listened to me, asshole.
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Old 12-24-2003, 11:41 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by loopydate
I love his routine about waiting at a restaurant. I'm going to mess this up, but...

"'Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two.'

And then if they don't answer, he goes on to the next name:

'Miller, party of four.'

And I'm wondering 'What happened to the Dufresnes?' Isn't anyone worried about what happened to them? It should be 'Miller, search party of four. You can eat when you find the Dufresnes.'

The Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now. And they're hungry. It's a double whammy."
It's not word for word, but that's the general idea. Good job, that's another one of my favorites.
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Old 12-25-2003, 12:23 AM   #8
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I had a talking parrot, but it never said "I'm hungry" so it died.
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Old 12-25-2003, 01:03 AM   #9
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Got the CD and DVD for Christmas. Mitch rules.

My favorite Mitch-isms:

"This shirt is dry clean only....which means....it's dirty."

"I enjoy Kit-Kat bars, unless I am with four or more people."
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Old 12-25-2003, 01:07 AM   #10
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Hmm. Seems I suggested Mitch in your "Tell me a good comedian" topic or whatever. The guy is a f*cking god!
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Old 12-25-2003, 09:59 AM   #11
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Is the CD/DVD thing in stores or am I going to have to order it from Comedy Central or something?
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Old 12-25-2003, 10:17 AM   #12
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I've seen it in stores
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Old 12-25-2003, 05:09 PM   #13
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Coolness, I'll wait a few days for the Xmas madness to die down, then I'll see if I can find it.
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Old 12-25-2003, 05:13 PM   #14
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if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be ****ed up.
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Old 12-25-2003, 10:47 PM   #15
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if carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be ****ed up.
LOL
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Old 12-27-2003, 04:06 AM   #16
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YES I bought his new CD/DVD today, "Mitch All Together". The DVD has the uncut version of his Comedy Central special.

I can't wait to listen to this shit.
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Old 12-27-2003, 05:02 AM   #17
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I planted a carrot once
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Old 12-27-2003, 06:07 AM   #18
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I'll be going out tomorrow looking for the CD/DVD. Are they sold seperately or together?
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Old 12-27-2003, 10:46 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Triple A
YES I bought his new CD/DVD today, "Mitch All Together". The DVD has the uncut version of his Comedy Central special.

I can't wait to listen to this shit.
Is that the only thing on the DVD or is there more?
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Old 12-28-2003, 12:51 AM   #20
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I went out looking for it today and couldn't find it. Is it all together or not?
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Old 12-28-2003, 04:08 AM   #21
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*bump*
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Old 12-28-2003, 04:29 AM   #22
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Yeah it's a CD/DVD all together. I got it for $13.99 at Tower Records.

The CD has a lot of new material. It is pretty good but his old material is more funny, IMO.

The DVD has the aired version of the Comedy Central special, and the uncut version, which is like a half hour more of shit, because the crowd totally wasn't "getting" him or something, so he threw in a shit load of old material at the end of the special "for editing" lol. He was like, "this should be called the Mitch Hedberg Not So Special".

He is the man.

Also, there is a 5 minute or so thing of him from Comedy Central Premium Blend. It is really old I think. He doesn't have his glasses on in it.
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Old 12-28-2003, 06:18 AM   #23
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Old 12-28-2003, 11:15 AM   #24
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You can see the old premium blend thing from his website www.mitchhedberg.net as well as some stuff from Letterman and a few other random appearances. I think they even have a clip from his movie Los Enchiladas.
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Old 12-28-2003, 11:32 AM   #25
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Quote:
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"I enjoy Kit-Kat bars, unless I am with four or more people."
LOL
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Old 12-29-2003, 05:15 AM   #26
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I bought it today. The CD is even better than his first one!
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Old 12-29-2003, 05:30 AM   #27
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Old 12-29-2003, 09:37 AM   #28
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This morning I got up and made instant oatmeal, then I didn't do anything for an hour. I could've made the regular oatmeal and felt productive.

(I'm pretty sure that's how that one goes)
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Old 12-29-2003, 06:29 PM   #29
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Kit Kat bars have the name engraved on the chocolate... That robs you of chocolate! It is a clever chocolate saving technique.

I hate dreaming cause when I sleep, I just wanna sleep. But then when I dream, I have to actually do work. It's like I'm all comfortable laying in bed in my hotel, everything's peaceful, then all of a sudden I have to build a go-cart with my ex landlord.
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Old 12-29-2003, 06:30 PM   #30
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I think people should be limited to three honks of the car horn. Cause then, when some fucker cuts you off, you press the horn and nothing happens. Then you're all like "Shit, I wish I hadn't-a seen Ricky on the sidewalk."
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Old 12-29-2003, 10:42 PM   #31
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I think they could take sesame seeds out the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened?"

What does a sesame seed grow into? I dunno. We never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?
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Old 12-29-2003, 10:58 PM   #32
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LOL
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Old 12-29-2003, 11:25 PM   #33
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How does the sesame seed stick to the bun? It's fucking magical.
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Old 12-30-2003, 12:42 AM   #34
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You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
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Old 12-30-2003, 12:44 AM   #35
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Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where the **** did you get that camera man?


I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...
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Old 12-30-2003, 12:45 AM   #36
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lol Mitch Hedberg is the fucking man!
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Old 12-30-2003, 04:36 AM   #37
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana so I said "no", but I wanted a regular banana later so I said "yeah".

I highlighted my hair last week cuz I felt certain strands are more important than others.
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Old 12-30-2003, 04:44 AM   #38
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#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)#1-norm-fan makes a lot of good posts (200,000+)
I wanna make a vending machine that dispenses vending machines. It would have to be fucking enormous!
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Old 12-30-2003, 04:52 AM   #39
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Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)Nowhere Man got the bus to Rep Town and repped it up real bad at the rep shop (100,000+)
I wanna see a forklift...lift a crate of forks. Just 'cause it'd be so damn literal.

If you had a friend who was a tight-rope walker, and you saw him trip and fall on the sidewalk, that would be totally unacceptable.

I have an oscillating fan that moves its head back and forth, so it looks like it's shaking it's head 'no.' So I'll start asking it things that it might say 'no' to, like:

'Do you keep my hair in place?'
'No.'
'Do you keep my documents in order?'
'No.'
'Do you have multiple settings?'
'No.'
'Liar!'
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Old 12-30-2003, 04:55 AM   #40
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Originally Posted by #1-wwf-fan
I wanna make a vending machine that dispenses vending machines. It would have to be fucking enormous!
Stop putting exclamation points at the end of his jokes, asshole. It makes them less funny.
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