The Favorite Quotes From TV/Movies Thread

[Triple A]

lol dunno why but this one is stuck in my head right now. :mad:

The Simpsons

Marge: Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?
Ned: You know, I like his films except for that nervous fellow that's always in them.

[Triple A]

Seinfeld

FRANK: And who doesn't serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it kill them to put out a pound cake? Something!

GEORGE: So, they didn't give you a piece of cake? Big deal.

ESTELLE: It is a big deal. You're supposed to serve cake after a meal. I'm sorry. It's impolite.

FRANK: Not impolite...it's stupid, that's what it is. You gotta be stupid to do something like that!

ESTELLE: Your father's absolutely right. We're sitting there like idiots drinking coffee without a piece of cake!


rofl

[RoXer]

You're asking me to fill this thread with AD quotes? Because I will do it.

[RoXer]

Narrator: And soon the Bluth boys found themselves in a strange land.

Buster: (Shouting in Arabic.)

Iraqi Cab Driver: (Shouting in Arabic.)

Michael: What did he say? Where are we?

Buster: He said he’s taking surface streets to LAX because the freeway’s backed up all the way to Knott’s Berry Farm.

[RoXer]

Michael: And so you just finished off the bottle?

Lindsay: Well, I had to. It’s vodka. It goes bad once it’s opened.

Michael: I think that’s another one of Mom’s little fibs.
--------------------------------------------------------
Maeby: Well, I just poured Mom into bed. Would it kill her to let some vodka go bad?

George Michael: Oh, no, vodka doesn’t go --
---------------------------------------------------------
Michael: You’re going to rehab again?

Lucille: I’m bringing Lindsay. I’m worried about her.

Lindsay: Did you get the corkscrew?

Michael: So there’s going to be wine at the rehab, huh?

Lindsay: Well, wine only turns into alcohol if you let it sit.

Michael: ...Mom, how do you come up with these?
-----------------------------------------------------------
Lucille: Four saunas, three steam baths, Olympic-sized pool and you’re telling me there’s alcohol? What the hell are we supposed to do for two days?

Lindsay: I could take the top off this grape juice and maybe by morning...

Lucille: Oh, for God’s sake, Lindsay, grow up. You’re 40 years old.

Lindsay: ...thirty-five.

[RoXer]

Michael: We’ve got a picture of you with Saddam Hussein.

George, Sr.: I thought that was the guy who played the Soup Nazi... I told him how much I liked his work.




(I'll stop now)

[Stickman]

Whats the deal with ovalteen?

[RoXer]

Lindsay: How do you think I feel? Bob Loblaw’s a handsome, professional man and I’m only used to... well, none of those things.

Tobias: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over— an analyst and a therapist. The world’s first analrapist.

http://the-op.com/images/episode/303/000051_sm.jpg

[RoXer]

Fuck, I have to leave this thread or I'll be here all day.

[Joey Slugs]

vBulletin Message <!-- main error message --> You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Joey RoXer again.

[mitchables]

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy scheme?

Homer: Never! Never, Marge! I can't live the buttoned-down life like you. I want it all: The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend some of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odours - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "city fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about, "what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

[The Mask]

Chef's Father: [at Chef's rehearsal dinner] Could I have everyone's attention, please?

[crowd quiets]

Chef's Father: Tomorrow, my son is gonna get married to a beautiful lady.
[sniffles]

Chef's Father: I'm very happy for them both.
[begins to choke back tears]

Chef's Father: Ooh, there I go - I told myself I wasn't gonna cry.

Chef: It's okay, pop.

Chef's Mother: Thomas, you're gonna get me going now.
[begins to tear up]

Chef's Father: I remember when Chef was just a three-year-old little man, he came runnin' into me with a big smile and his little chef's hat on, and he says to me, "Poppa, poppa." I said, "What do you need, Chef, my boy?" He said, "I need about tree-fitty."

Chef's Mother: Tree-fitty!

Chef's Father: Well, it was about that time I begin to get suspicious. I said, "Chef, my boy, why do you need tree-fitty?" He said, "My imaginary friend Boo-Boo the dinosaur wants it." So I went to my son's room, and sure enough, there was that damn Loch Ness Monster!

Chef's Mother: Lord, it was scary!

Chef's Father: I said, "Dammit, monster, you quit bugging my children, now. We work for our money in this house - we don't just give money away!"

[Disturbed316]

Homer: I am so smart, I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T

[Disturbed316]

Cochran: Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, Chef's attorney would certainly want you to believe that his client wrote "Stinky Britches" ten years ago. And they make a good case. Hell, I almost felt pity myself! But, ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, I have one final thing I want you to consider. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookiee from the planet Kashyyyk. But Chewbacca lives on the planet Endor. Now think about it; that does not make sense!

Gerald Broflovski: Dammit!

Chef: What?

Gerald: He's using the Chewbacca Defense!

Cochran: Why would a Wookiee, an eight-foot tall Wookiee, want to live on Endor, with a bunch of two-foot tall Ewoks? That does not make sense! But more important, you have to ask yourself: What does this have to do with this case? Nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, it has nothing to do with this case! It does not make sense! Look at me. I'm a lawyer defending a major record company, and I'm talkin' about Chewbacca! Does that make sense? Ladies and gentlemen, I am not making any sense! None of this makes sense! And so you have to remember, when you're in that jury room deliberatin' and conjugatin' the Emancipation Proclamation, [approaches and softens] does it make sense? No! Ladies and gentlemen of this supposed jury, it does not make sense! If Chewbacca lives on Endor, you must acquit! The defense rests.

[The Mask]

Interviewer: So, are you guys as anti-Semitic as some might believe?

Matt Stone: You know, a lot of people have accused South Park of anti-Semitism, but I'm Jewish, and so I can say with some certainty that I am not anti-Semitic.

Trey Parker: I am, however.

[JohnnyDrama]

Entourage

Drama: (Going to South Central) "I'm very nervous. This is the second time coming to this neighborhood that I haven't had my numbchucks."

Ari: "I don't want to be bothered unless it's Carmen Electra calling for an emergency titty fuck!"

Drama: "When opportunity knocks you let it in, and for God's sake E, let it go down on your girlfriend!"

Ari: "I'd love to stay but it's anal sex night at the Gold house, I've got to go home and punish my wife."

Drama: "If you play gay or retarded, you get an Oscar. I'd take it in the ass for an Oscar."
Turtle: "You'd take it in the ass for a guest spot on The Hughley's."

And about a million more...

[The Mask]

Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [Butters is holding a Barbie doll] "Hey there, Butters, wanna slap my titties around?" Uh, no thanks, ma'am. I might get in trouble again.
[he puts the doll away and begins whistling]

[The Mask]

Ted Maul: Kids burst shops by filling them with rice, and pouring in water: then standing back and laughing, while the bricks are ripped apart by the swelling food.

-------------------

Chris Morris: You are a piece of shit on my shoe. Lick yourself off. Lick yourself off my shoe... No, don't actually do it! Where's your self re-cocking-spect?

[The Mask]

Keith Mandement: This pool's been open nearly 40 years, and, in all that time I only slipped up once, to my mind. I was engaged in a particularly tricky word puzzle and 40 people had broken in and were in the pool, playing around, ducking, bombing and doing all manner of prohibited activities, and eventually someone was killed.

Interviewer: But given that your sole responsibility is to maintain the security of the pool, isn't that an indictment against yourself?

Keith Mandement: Well, I would say this - I've been working here for 18 years, and in 1975 no one died. In 1976, no one died. In 1977, no one died. In 1978, no one died. In 1979, no-one died. In 1980... someone died. In 1981, no one died. In 1982 there was the incident with the pigeon. In 1983, no one died. In 1984, no one died. In 1985, no one died. In 1986... I mean, I could go on.

Interviewer: No.

Keith Mandement: Right.

[The Mask]

Christopher Morris: Peter, you've lost the news! What have you got to say?

Peter O'Hanarha-hanrahan: I'm sorry.

Christopher Morris: Look like you mean it! Look down at the ground and say "Sorry".

Peter O'Hanarha-hanrahan: I'm sorry.

Christopher Morris: Peter, next time you cross the road, don't bother looking.

[Skippord]

Dr Cox: Did you follow me here
JD: No, a friend dropped me off
*Flashback to JD riding on top of Cox's car*
JD: EAGLE

Scrubs

[Triple A]

POST WHAT IT'S FROM

[Nervous Ferret]

I have absolutely a billion from the ESPN Classic show "Cheap Seats". But you kinda gotta watch the show to understand the quotes. So I'll go with some classic Seinfeld.

George: The sea was angry that day my friend. Like an old man trying to bring back soup at a deli.

[Blitz]

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy scheme?

Homer: Never! Never, Marge! I can't live the buttoned-down life like you. I want it all: The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend some of the blue noses with my cocky stride and musky odours - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "city fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about, "what's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
I love you so much :'(

[D Mac]

Any Bruce Campbell One Liner.

[Tornado]

South Park
Butters: "OH BOY! A huge package from Japan, I've always wanted a huge package!"

The Simpsons
Ralph Wiggum: "I BEAT THE SMART KIDS! I BEAT THE SMART KIDS! I BEAT THE SM*Ralph trips*...I bent my Wookie"

Prinicpal Skinner: "Can I interest you in a Caffine-Free-Diet-Dr Pepper?
...Dunno why, but I love the idea of Caffine Free Diet Dr Pepper, sounds like it'd be fizzy brown water.


I could throw some Futurama quotes in, but i'd be here all day.

[Avenger]

Narrator: And soon the Bluth boys found themselves in a strange land.

Buster: (Shouting in Arabic.)

Iraqi Cab Driver: (Shouting in Arabic.)

Michael: What did he say? Where are we?

Buster: He said he’s taking surface streets to LAX because the freeway’s backed up all the way to Knott’s Berry Farm.Probably the funniest moment in the history of the world. I rofled at that one for days. Was just recounting it with my father not just the other bay.:yes:

[The One]

Seinfeld

Frank: You want a divorce? YOU GOT ONE!

I don't know why I thought that was so funny, but man did I have a good laugh.

[DaveWadding]

Monty Python's Life of Brian

Matthias: Look, I don't think it should be a sin, just for saying "Jehovah".
[Everyone gasps]
Jewish Official: You're only making it worse for yourself!
Matthias: Making it worse? How can it be worse? Jehovah! Jehovah! Jehovah!
Jewish Official: I'm warning you! If you say "Jehovah" one more time (gets hit with rock) RIGHT! Who did that? Come on, who did it?
Stoners: She did! She did! (suddenly speaking as men) He! He did! He!
Jewish Official: Was it you?
Stoner: Yes.
Jewish Official: Right...
Stoner: Well you did say "Jehovah. "
[Crowd throws rocks at the stoner]
Jewish Official: STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW! STOP IT! All right, no one is to stone _anyone_ until I blow this whistle. Even... and I want to make this absolutely clear... even if they do say, "Jehovah. "
[Crowd stones the Jewish Official to death]

[FakeLaser]

The Simpsons
Jay Sherman: So then I said to Woody Allen, "Well, Camus can do, but Sartre is smartre!"
Homer: Oh yeah, well, Scooby Doo can doo doo. But Jimmy Carter is smarter. *tumbleweed rolls by*

Aqua Teen Hunger Force
Carl: Oh good, you've seen me.

Willie Nelson: I've been known to... do a number on some cats.
Shake: Do a number? Yeah, I'll bet you'll do a number, on stage in your tights, on Broadway. Which is where you moved to after you left Texas Chainsaw Mascara, where you're from.

12 Oz Mouse
Mouse 'Fitz' Fitzgerald: All right. There's a special-effects guy outside. He did the work on Black Beast. He the best. There's not an entire beast in the movie, but you think there is. He's that good. He's gonna make a mold of your head.

[FakeLaser]

The Naked Gun
Frank: Oh, and one more thing. I faked every orgasm.

Ed: Yeah, but going into Ludwig's office without a warrant, you're taking a big chance.
Frank: I know. You take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street or sticking your face in a fan.

Clerks
Dante: Call 911.
Randall: Why?
Dante: Because there's a stranger in the bathroom and he just raped Caitlin.
Randall: I thought she said she did all the work.

[Stickman]

I dont' remember the quote but the first Family Guy episode after it was cancelled. Peter listed off all the shows the failed in that time frame. It seemed like he went on for a few minutes.

[Nervous Ferret]

<!-- / icon and title --><!-- message -->
"We've just got to accept the fact that Fox has to make room for terrific shows like 'Dark Angel,' 'Titus,' 'Undeclared,' 'Action,' 'That '80s Show,' 'Wonderfalls,' 'Fastlane,' 'Andy Richter Controls the Universe,' 'Skin,' 'girls' club,' 'Cracking Up,' 'The Pitts,' Firefly,' 'Get Real,' 'freakylinks,' 'Wanda at Large,' 'Costello,' 'The Lone Gunmen,' 'A Minute with Stan Hooper,' 'Normal Ohio,' 'Pasadena,' 'Harsh Realm,' 'Keen Eddie,' 'The Street,' 'American Embassy,' 'Cedric the Entertainer,' 'The Tick,' 'Luis' and 'Greg the Bunny.'"

[NoJabbaNoBogRoll]

<embed src=http://www.fortunecity.com/bennyhills/gum/353/canigo.wav autostart=false>

[Mr. Nerfect]

Scrubs is a gold-mine. Watch that show.

[Mr. Nerfect]

Kelso(on the phone): Darling, I wanna say something. For the past 25 years, we've been going through the motions - once every couple of weeks we have sex, and then we have breakfast without saying a word. Well, tonight, I want you to put on a nice dress, because I'm gonna take you to dinner and I'm gonna start telling you all the things I haven't taken the time to say all these years. ... I love you, too.
Ted: That was...beautiful, sir!
Kelso: Thanks, Ted. Call my wife, tell her I won't be home tonight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dan: Dude, these are living, breathing people we're talking about here.
Cox: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what do you do?
Dan: I tend bar.
Cox: Well, I'll tell you what, there, Dan: I'm gonna go ahead and worry about how we do things around here. But if I ever do need to find out how to make a top-notch rum and coke, well, by gum, mister, you had better be by the phone, cause I just might give you a jingle. Ba-ha-rrrri-hing! Hi, Dan? Coxaronie. Regarding the rum and coke issue - couldn't be more confused!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dan: And you know what, J.D.? I'm worried, 'cause I think this marriage might actually stick. Unlike Mom and Dad, who tried to solve everything with sex.
J.D.: They did?
Dan: Oh, yeah, yeah. Matter of fact, the only reason you were born is 'cause Mom bounced a check at the market.
J.D.: Oh, that's great! I guess you're only here because Mom wrecked the car?
Dan: No, they wanted me.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dan: I know. But you know what? This is gonna be great. You know, this reminds me of the time I came down to see you guys when you were in med school... Oh! And I hooked up with that slutty chick! Remember, the one with the huge cans? What was her name?
J.D.: Amy.
Dan: Yeah! How do you remember stuff like that?
J.D.: She...was my girlfriend.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

J.D.'s Narration: As a doctor, it's important to know how to make small talk.
J.D.: Mr. Bober, what would you like with your turkey sandwich?
Mr. Bober: Pickles!
J.D.'s Narration: ...Of course, it's harder if your patient suffers from dementia and can only say one word....
J.D.: And to drink?
Mr. Bober: Pickles!
J.D.: And now, for a thousand dollars and this bag of I.V. fluid, which is guaranteed to make you feel like you're a hundred and ninety again, What did Peter Piper pick a peck of?
Mr. Bober: Pickles.
J.D.: Oooooooh! I'm sorry, Mr. Bober! The correct answer is peppers. "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers."
Cox: NEWBIE!
J.D.: Huh?
Cox: Did I just walk in on you mocking an innocent patient!?
J.D.: Yes...
Cox: I've never felt closer to you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

All those were from one epiosde I researched, because I couldn't find the quote I was looking for. J.D. asks Dr Cox if his brother, Dan, can come with them, and Dr Cox goes on a huge rant about how many ways he can say "No" to J.D., only to say yes after J.D. does his horrible, shy version of Dr Cox's favourite "Man falling off of a cliff".

God, I love that show. Here's another juicy line from the first episode of Season 2:

Dr Cox: You know, I was thinking off all the times you've toyed with me and manipulated me, and I can't help but be reminded of the children's fable, "The Tortoise and the Pain-in-the-Ass-Chief-of-Medicine-That-Everybody-Hates". You see, Bob, the Pain-in-the-Ass-Chief-of-Medicine-That-Everybody-Hates kept running out in front of the tortoise and taunting him, and then...well, I'm sure you remember it, Bob: The tortoise bit clear through the Chief of Medicine's calf-muscle, dragged him to the ground where he and all the other turtles devoured him right there...on the race track. It's a terrifying children's tale, Bob, but it's one that's stuck with me throughout the ages...

[Skippord]

Elliot: I put all those flyers up and no one wants me to live with them.
J.D.: Oh, c'mon, Elliot, I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a clean non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.
Elliot: Well, if you don't it gets mildewy.
J.D.: You should live with my friend, Anal McLooney.

J.D.: This, this isn't like being a janitor, okay! It's not just like something everybody can do.
Janitor: Oh. So you can do my stuff, but I can't do yours?
J.D.: Yes!
Janitor: Okay, hotshot, what would you use to get a coffee stain up off a tile floor?
J.D.: I don't know... the... rough side of a sponge?
[silence]
Janitor: Dammit.

Also Scrubs

[Destor]

Vizzini: So it is down to you, and it is down to me. If you
wish her dead, by all means, keep moving forward.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

Let me explain--

Vizzini: There's nothing to explain. You're trying to kidnap
what I have rightfully stolen.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

Perhaps an arrangement can be reached?

Vizzini: There will be no arrangement, and you're killing her.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

Well if there can be no arrangement, then we are at
an impasse.

Vizzini: I'm afraid so. I can't compete with you physically,
and you're no match for my brains.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

You're that smart?

Vizzini: Let me put it this way: have you ever heard of Plato,
Aristotle, Socrates?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

Yes.

Vizzini: Morons.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

Really. [pause] In that case, I challenge you to a
battle of wits.

Vizzini: For the princess? < Pirate nods > To the death? <
Pirate nods > I accept.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

Good. Then pour the wine.

[Roberts pulls out a small vial, and uncorks it]

Inhale this, but do not touch.

Vizzini: I smell nothing.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

What you do not smell is called Iocane powder. It is
odorless, tasteless, dissolves instantly in liquid,
and is among the more deadly poisons known to man.

Vizzini: Hmmmm.

Dread Pirate Roberts: < turns away from Vizzini with the goblets,
and pours the poison in. Goblets replaced on the
table, one in front of each. >

All right. Where is the poison? The battle of wits
has begun. It ends when you decide and we both
drink, and find out who is right...and who is dead.

Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from
what I know of you: are you the sort of man who
would put the poison into his own goblet or his
enemy's? Now, a clever man would put the poison into
his own goblet, because he would know that only a
great fool would reach for what he was given. I am
not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the
wine in front of you. But you must have known I was
not a great fool, you would have counted on it, so I
can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

You've made your decision then?

Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as
everyone knows, and Australia is entirely peopled
with criminals, and criminals are used to having
people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me,
so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of
you.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.

Vizzini: WAIT TILL I GET GOING! Where was I?

Dread Pirate Roberts:

Australia.

Vizzini: Yes, Australia. And you must have suspected I would
have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not
choose the wine in front of me.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

You're just stalling now.

Vizzini: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? You've beaten
my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong,
so you could've put the poison in your own goblet,
trusting on your strength to save you, so I can
clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But,
you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must
have studied, and in studying you must have learned
that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison
as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly
not choose the wine in front of me.

Dread Pirate Roberts:

You're trying to trick me into giving away something.
It won't work.

Vizzini: IT HAS WORKED! YOU'VE GIVEN EVERYTHING AWAY! I KNOW
WHERE THE POISON IS!

Dread Pirate Roberts:

Then make your choice.

Vizzini: I will, and I choose-- What in the world can that be?

[Vizzini gestures up and away from the table. Roberts
looks]

Dread Pirate Roberts:

What? Where? I don't see anything.

Vizzini: Well, I- I could have sworn I saw something. No
matter.

[Vizzini smirks]

Dread Pirate Roberts:

What's so funny?

Vizzini: I'll tell you in a minute. First, let's drink. Me
from my glass, and you from yours. < they drink >

Dread Pirate Roberts:

You guessed wrong.

Vizzini: You only think I guessed wrong! That's what's so
funny! I switched glasses when your back was turned!
Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the
classic blunders! The most famous is never get
involved in a land war in Asia, but only slightly
less well-known is this: never go in against a
Sicilian when death is on the line!! Ha ha ha ha ha
ha ha!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! Ha ha ha--

[Vizzini stops suddenly, and falls dead]

[Destor]

Inigo: He's climbing the rope. And he's gaining on us.

Vizzini: Inconceivable! [pause] FASTER!

Fezzik: I thought I was going faster.

Vizzini: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THIS COLOSSUS, YOU WERE THIS
GREAT LEGENDARY THING, AND YET HE GAINS!

Fezzik: Well, I'm carrying three people, and he's got only
himself.

Vizzini: I DO NOT ACCEPT EXCUSES! I'M JUST GOING TO HAVE TO
FIND MYSELF A NEW GIANT, THAT'S ALL.

Fezzik: Don't say that, Vizzini. Please?

Vizzini: DID I MAKE IT CLEAR THAT YOUR JOB IS AT STAKE?



[Scene: At the top. Fezzik, Vizzini and Inigo are looking down at
the masked man climbing the cliff after Vizzini has cut the rope]

Fezzik: He's got very good arms.

Vizzini: HE DIDN'T FALL? INCONCEIVABLE!

Inigo: You keep using that word. I do not think it means
what you think it means.

[Destor]

Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die.

<INIGO hits table>

<BLADES clash>

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die.

<STRONGER>

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die.

Count Rugen:Stop saying that!

Inigo: Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my
father. Prepare to die.

Count Rugen:No!

Inigo: Offer me money!

Count Rugen:Yes!

Inigo: Power, too. Promise me that!

Count Rugen:All that I have and more! Please!

Inigo: Offer me everything I ask for!

Count Rugen:Anything you want.

Inigo: I want my father back, you son of a bitch.

[Destor]

I could quote that whole movie

[Fox]

Quotes. Not entire scripts.

[Fox]

Futurama:

Zap Brannigan: It was almost the perfect crime, but you forgot one thing: rock crushes scissors.... but paper covers rock. And scissors cuts paper! Kif! We have a conundrum! Search them for paper! And bring me a rock.



Fry: Wow! That guy makes Speedy Gonzalez look like Regular Gonzalez.



Zap Brannigan: We don't know who they are or where they come from, but we do know that they stand for everything we don't stand for. Also, I heard they said you guys look like dorks.

Bender: THEY look like dorks!



Richard Nixon's Head: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention, as I sign a historic peace accord with ambassador Kong of planet Nintendo 64.

Fry: Wait a second, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey!

Professor Farnsworth: Monkey's aren't donkeys, quit messing with my head!



South Park

GUY: Our war support songs will be a thousand times better!

RANDY: Oh, you think so? Bring the shizzle!

GUY 2: We'll trizzle the shizzle all over the hizzle!

MR. BROFLOFSKI: Yeah?! See you Saturday, McKizzer shanazerizzle shazz beyaznatch ghazziza!

[Skippord]

Carla: You know what your problem is?
Dr. Cox: There are times when I put myself into situ...
Carla: Oh my god, who answers that question? You see, *that* is your problem. You think you have the answers to everything, but instead you end up throwing gas on the fire, and everyone else has to pay the consequences.
Dr. Cox: That's almost exactly what I was going to say.

Scrubs

[O.G Loc]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Peter: I do...you bastard.

[D Mac]

"As far back as I can remember I've always wanted to be a gangster."

[KillerWolf]

Unforgiven -

" I was lucky in the order. But then, I've always been lucky when it comes to killin' folks."



Skinny - "Where you hidin' that money?"

Strawberry Alice - "We aint got any money!"

Skinny - "You told those cowboys you had it."

Strawberry Alice - "We was lyin'!"

Skinny - "Lyin'? What are ya gonna do when sombody comes to collect? Hmm? Ya gonna hump 'em? YA GONNA HUMP 'EM A THOUSAND TIMES!?!"

[DaveWadding]

South Park: BLU

CartmanDon't call me fat, you fucking Jew!
Mr. Garrison: Eric, did you just say the F-word?
Cartman: Jew?
Kyle: No, he's talking about "fuck". You can't say "fuck" in school, you fucking fat ass!
Mr. Garrison: Kyle!
Cartman: Why the fuck not?
Mr. Garrison: Eric!
Stan: Dude, you just said "fuck" again!
Mr. Garrison: Stanley!
Kenny: Fuck!
Mr. Garrison: Kenny!
Cartman: What's the big deal? It doesn't hurt anybody. Fuck-fuckety-fuck-fuck-fuck.
Mr. Garrison: How would you like to go see the school counselor?
Cartman: How would you like to suck my balls?
Mr. Garrison: What did you say?
Cartman: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Actually, what I said was...
[picks up a megaphone]
Cartman: HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SUCK MY BALLS, MR. GARRISON?
Stan: Holy shit, dude.

___________

Mr. Mackey: I want to know where you heard all this horrific obscenities, m'kay?
Kyle: Nowhere.
Stan: We heard them from Mr. Garrison a few times before.
Mr. Mackey: Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr Garrison ever said: "Eat penguin shit, you ass spelunker".

[McLegend]

Rookie of the year

[once taken out of the cast, Henry's arm snaps around and hits Dr. Kersten in the nose]
Dr. Kersten: [muffled, with hands over his face] Funky, buttloving...!
George: Did he say "funky buttloving?"

[D Mac]

Serenity:

"You wanna run this ship?"

"YES"

"Well,....................you can't."

[Triple A]

Futurama:

Fry: "Hey, who's this guy?"
Janitor: "I'm the janitor. I'm trying to take a nap here."
Fry: "I'm sorry. I thought you were made off wax."
Janitor: "I am made off wax. What's it to you?"
Fry: "I mean, I thought you were one of the wax robots."
Janitor: "Is there some reason a robot made of wax can't take a nap standing up in the middle of a bunch of wax robots? Or does that 'CONFUSE' you?"

Vogel: Sir, you seem pretty stable. Have you thought about adopting one of our kids?
Fry: Sure haven't.
Vogel: Well keep adoption in mind. It's a great way to have a kid without having sex.
Fry: (thoughtful) Really?

[Blitz]

Clone High

Shadowy Figure: Listen, we've all done things we're not proud of after a good cross country meet, but that riot was unacceptable.

Scudworth: Unacceptable? Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gandhi: (forces himself to undergo a JFK-like transformation) Fowah suppah I want a pawtty plattah.

JFK: Wait a minute! Throw some 'er's and 'uh's in there. What's your hurry?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scudworth: When life gives you lemons, you clone those lemons and make SUPER lemons.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Butlertron: Shouldn't you be saving some of this money instead of having me gold-plated and lowered?

Scudworth: Stop getting all up in my business, Mr. B. I saw the first two-thirds of the MC Hammer Behind the Music, and if there's one thing I learned about money, it's that it never runs out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shadowy Figure: [menacing] I think this is an issue we should talk about... in person.

Scudworth: [excited] Maybe we could have dinner. Perhaps the Olive Garden. It's like eating in the private kitchen of a delightful Italian stereotype!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
JFK: Are uh you drunk enough to sleep with me?

[Joan of Arc kicks JFK in the face]

JFK: Answer the question
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Abe: I'll sleep when I die...

Joan of Arc: You'll die if you don't sleep.

Gandhi: Abe, remember how excited I was to see the movie "American Pie" that I didn't sleep the night before? And remember that scene where the guy has sex with the pie? Well, I don't. Because I fell asleep in the theatre.

[dramatic pause]

Abe: Why don't you just rent it?

[Gandhi runs out of the room]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
JFK: Nothing bad ever happens to the Kennedys.

[car flips over]
------------------------------------------------------------------------
JFK: I didn't see it coming either. And by 'it,' I mean ME.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
JFK: I'm a Kennedy. I'm not accustomed to tragedy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Principal Scudworth is seeking funding for his evil side-project, "Cloney Island"]

Mr. Butlertron: Perhaps you could get Clone High a corporate sponsor. Those Pumas were rather fresh.

Scudworth: Sell out? And turn the school into some profit-hungry corporation? (Beat) Why, that idea's as foolish as getting new brakes from anywhere but Midas.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abe: How am I gonna get the beers?

Gandhi: I've got an idea. Tell him he heard you wrong - tell him what you actually said was "I'll get the *beards*..."

Abe: That doesn't make sense.

Gandhi: But if you think about it, it would still be a pretty sweet party.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joan of Arc: Abe, I'm so mad at you I could kiss you!

Abe: What did you say, Joan?

Joan of Arc: I said, I'm so mad at you I could piss glue.

Abe: Really? It sounded like you said "I could kiss you."

Joan of Arc: No, I said: "I could piss glue." It's a very common expression.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator: Last year, Abe said he was 15 years old. Now he claims to be 16. Which is it, Abe? Better keep your story straight. He'd also like you to believe he's not a baby eater. But he's never gone on record saying he isn't. Maybe he's too busy eating babies!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Officer: Well, well, well. If it isn't my old friend, underage drinking. So, we meet again. How are you, underage drinking? Besides illegal!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scudworth: I first got the idea for Cloney Island after seeing the movie Jurassic Park 3. But my ill-conceived amusement park will be filled with human clones instead of zoo animals. It's as fool-proof as the amusement park in the movie itself!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JFK: Hark! That sounds like the gentle knock of a vulnerable teenage girl.

[door opens; Joan is standing in the rain]

JFK: You're wet. Allow me to dry you off... with my pants!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gandhi: Abe, I just polled everyone in the girls' bathroom - you're ahead!

Abe: I knew the poll - did you say I was winning?

Gandhi: Straight up, man. Numbers don't lie.

[the Number 4 runs across the library]

The Number 4: I'm the number five!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Butlertron: Are you A: handsome; B: smart; C: scrap metal; or D: all of the above?

Scangrade: That's easy! I'm A and B. But not C... So I can't be all of the above, but... you can't fill in two ovals! Noooooooo!

[explodes]

Mr. Butlertron: The answer is C... you fuckwad.

[KillerWolf]

BLOOD, GUTS, BULLETS, AND OCTANE -

"No, there is no money. No, we never intended on giving you any money. What we intend is to kill you and chop your body into little peices. Now that having been said...

[D Mac]

Everybody forgot one of the most famous quotes in movie history. You know who said it.

"I'LL BE BACK"

[Mikey]

Futurama:

Fry: Hey Bender, Why Are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?

Bender: No!

LOL

[El Fangel]

Monty Python : I don't likee SPAM!!!

[Triple A]

Simpsons


Hank: Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?
Homer: Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.
Hank: Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.
Homer: Uh-huh.
Hank: There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There?
Homer: Mm-Hmm.
Hank: That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.
Homer: Oh, the hammock district.
Hank: That's right.

[RoXer]

Narrator: And Michael was getting an update on how his newest employee, Nellie, was working out.

Michael: (Into phone.) ...Really? And all the guys like her, huh? That is, that is, that is great. Uh, you mean “away,” though, right? Because otherwise it sounds a little different, but, uh, that’s, uh, that’s outstanding... You forgot to say “away” again... But listen, let me call you back in a bit, okay? Bye.

(To Lindsay.) Nellie has blown them all away.

[DrA]

Hank: Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your
closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do
I! [throws them out] Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say
good-bye to a shoe?
Homer: Yes, once.
</pre>

[Mikey]

Jerry is bathing his crippled left hand in a bowl of ice-water. The phone
rings and he picks up

JERRY: Yeah?

GEORGE: (panicked and rushed) Jerry! The Japanese guys had sake in the
hot-tub! You gotta get 'em outta the drawers and get 'em down here, or I
don't have a focus group to sell the pilot to Japanese TV!

JERRY: (kidding) Uncle Leo?

GEORGE: (scream) Jerry!!

George begins hammering the phone against the kiosk. Jerry lifts the phone
away from his ear at the noise.

[KillerWolf]

KLATU, VERATA......NE - HEH - HEH - HEM


okay then...

[KillerWolf]

FIRE IN THE SKY

Ya know, they don't need a body to press murder charges. Did you know that? Did you know that? And they ain't never gonna find Travis - you know it and I know it! And so the pressure's gonna be on Davis and Waters to solve the case, and who do you think they're gonna zero in on? What - you, choir boy - and then God'll send a swarm of locusts down on 'em. And you, mister uh... pillar of the community - no i don't think so. The question is, the question is how long before you boys decide to save your lilly white asses and point the finger at me!

[Skippord]

Homer: Aw, twenty dollars! I wanted a peanut!
Homer's Brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how!
Homer's Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!
Homer: Woo-hoo!

[slextremely]

Seinfeld

Frank: You want a divorce? YOU GOT ONE!

I don't know why I thought that was so funny, but man did I have a good laugh.

i like that one as well

The office
Michael: This is our receptionist Pam, if you think she's cute now you should have seen here a couple years ago.

[Team Sheep]

*Stan walks into a Synagog and finds Kyle*

Stan: Dude, what are you doing here, everybody's looking for you.

Kyle: Do you know what happened to me this morning Stan? This morning, I woke up and felt a sharp pain in my ass. I felt down there and found this big sore lump. On my ass, Stan. I couldn't even sit down so I had to tell my mother which was humiliating. She took me to the doctor which was even more humiliating, and he told me...I have a hemroid. It's like an infected blood vessel on your ass. I'm nine years old and I have a hemroid Stan. I have a hemroid, and Cartman has his own theme park.

Stan: Kyle, I understand what you mean, but...

Kyle: Do you?! Do you Stan?! Because all my life I was raised to believe in Jehovah, to believe that we should all behave in a certain way and good things will come to us. I make mistakes, and every week I try to better myself. I'm always saying "You know, I've learned something today", and what does this so called God give me in return? A hemroid. It doesn't make sense. WHAT IS YOUR LOGIC?! *feels ass" Ouch.

[KillerWolf]

"it smells like Bigfoot's dick!"

[Savio]

Cosby: Kids meet your grandpa murphy!

Kid: But we have 3 grandpas already

Cosby: But this ones a great jazz musician

kid: OH THEY ALL ARE!

-----------------
the clip:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=FanZdYuNw-c

[mitchables]

Homer: Stealing?! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-His-Name?! We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun?! Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing, did you?!... Well, except at that guy who makes sound effects, heehee... [makes sound effect noises] Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.


Gold :'(

[mitchables]

Homer: Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night.

--------------------------

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.


So much goodness. :heart:

[Supreme Olajuwon]

Billy Corgan: "Billy Corgan, 'Smashing Pumpkins'."
Homer: "Homer Simpson, smiling politely."

----------------------------------------------

Bart: I smell a museum.
Homer: Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'

[D Mac]

Homer: "DOH!"

[toxic rooster]

I swear, if nobody's posted the cock pussy quote from Bull Durham, I'll take someone's fucking head off.

[toxic rooster]

Oh, on closer inspection this is more a "TV Based" thread.

Tomorrow, I will fill it with Seinfeld :o

[Lock Jaw]

"Where am I?"
"In the Village."
"What do you want?"
"We want information."
"Whose side are you on?"
"That would be telling. We want information... information... information!"
"You won't get it."
"By hook or by crook... we will."
"Who are you?"
"The new Number 2."
"Who is Number 1?"
"You are Number 6."
"I am not a number, I am a free man!"
"AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"

[Mister Sinister]

How about we bump the bet up to 20 G's

Excuse Me?

You heard me Chico

I don't know where you're going Johnny but you need to watch your mouth.

No, you need to watch mine, because you don't want watch me play Pool, I been beating this Johnny Walker looking Motherfucker, that he can't even see straight, So how about it Chico 20 G's?

Pause

Oh, Did I strutter, a few minutes ago, It was like an Evening at the Apolo in this motherfucker, now it's Quiet as an church...Come on Joe, Theses Guy wouldn't bet five dollars if they were Black

Poolhall Junkies

[Fox]

FEAR DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS DOJO, DOES IT?

No Sensei!

PAIN DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS DOJO, DOES IT?

No Sensei!

DEFEAT DOES NOT EXIST IN THIS DOJO, DOES IT?

No Sensei!

WHAT DO WE STUDY HERE?

The way of the fist, sir!

AND WHAT IS THAT WAY?!

Strike first, strike hard, no mercy, sir!

I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

STRIKE FIRST, STRIKE HARD, NO MERCY, SIR!

[Savio]

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?
Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.
Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.
Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?
Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.
Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.
Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.
Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me either and secondly I heard what you said.
Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.
Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.
Homer: Bart, go to your room!!

---------------

Homer: (trying to buy fireworks (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireworks) in a low-key way) Hi... um, let me have some of those porno magazines, large box of condoms (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Condoms), a bottle of Old Harper (http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Old_Harper&action=edit), a couple of those panty shields (http://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Panty_shield&action=edit), rope, and someillegalfireworks, and one of those disposable enemas (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enema). Eh, make it two.

(later, when Marge is going through Homer's purchase)
Marge: I don't know what you have planned for tonight, but count me out.

[AdrianM]

I love Cartman telling Kenny's parents that he died while re-enacting the civil war.

Cartman: "Dear Mr and Mrs. (kenny's parents...forget their last name.) Today I come to you with terrible news that your son has died in the re-enactment of the civil war. But it has not come in vain, because his death will lead to me winning my bet with Kyle and Stan, which is good, because I hate those guys, I hate them, so very very much."

- only seen the episode once, but it was brilliant.


Of course Stewie Griffin when he talked condesendingly to Brian is brilliant to..."So, how you going with that novel youi've been working on. Been talking about that for three years now huh,..." - BRILLIANT.

And when Stewie locks up his babysitter's boyfriend in the back of Brian's car.

Stewie: "oh holy crap, Jake's still in the trunk!!! oh, yeah, yeah, he's dead now...definatly dead..."


other random quotes:

Brian Griffin: "In your fucking face fuck-wad!"

Homer Simpson: "Weel crying isn't going to get your dog back, unless your tears smell like dog food. So, you could sit around all day eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like food that your dog will come back, or you can go out there and find your dog!"
Bart SImpson: "You're right!" (Bart runs out of the room)
Homer Simpson: "Drats, I almost had him eating dog food."