Favourite Simpsons Quotes
 

Post your favourite simpsons quotes and lines here.

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“Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

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"Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? "Why did I have the bowl?" - Milhouse.

"I don't recall saying good luck"

Bart: "Mom, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing in our way."
Homer: "Push her down, son."

"GO BANANA!"

I'm dying Moe
Is there anything I can do professor?
Not unless you have a cure for cancer...do you have a cure for cancer?...Coz that would be great!
I'm sorry professor...
Goodbye Moe

"To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!" - Homer Simpson

Homer: [slams the door] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up
there.
[Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
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We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

My story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" because the Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles. (the children laugh) What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem! Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet...

put out an APB on a uosdwis r. dewoh...better start in Greek town

Did you know every good American is at heart an erotic American?

:heart:

Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent.
Fourteen percent of all people know that.
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Homer: What is the mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.

throwing out the tracy ullman lines

classy

I have had it, I have HAD IT with this school, Skinner. The low test scores. Class after class of ugly, ugly children

Authorities say the phony pope can be identified by his high-top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping sound.
Gas attendant: I think that's your heart... and it sounds like it's on it's last thump.
Homer: PHEW! I thought it was my transmission *drives off*
Billy: Hey where's that man going?
Gas attendant: Billy... remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
Billy: We're gonna sell him to Mr. Nikapopolous?
Gas attendant: You're a dull boy Billy.

Bart: Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.

Stupid Sexy Flanders!

My all time favourite Homer rant, from Lisa's Rival:

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

And a classic Lionel Hutz exchange:
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck! Your sexual harassment case is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice! (he produces a bottle from his desk) Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning!
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. (he takes a generous swig) Last chance! (Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle) Oh, yeah....

BURNS: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate one million dollars to the children's orphanage... when pigs fly!

(They laugh hysterically. A pig goes flying past the window and they both slowly stop laughing.)

SMITHERS ...will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?

BURNS: Mmm... I'd still prefer not."

"It's funny 'cos it's someone else" Homer (Driving by an accident I think?)

Ralph: Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: My cat's name is Mittens.

Spare me your euphemisms! It's fat camp, for Daddy's chubby little secret!

We'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!

Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
Homer: OK, hon... sucker! Competitive violence, that's why you're here!

Simple but always a personal favorite of mine
 

Hired goons?

Indeed. I believe that's it.

"God forgive me, I just aint that bright" - H.J Simpson

Abe "Grampa" Simpson: Latex Condo... boy i'd sure like to live in one of those!

Dental Plan, Lisa Needs Braces.

Damn I can't think of any this is terrible.

I've seen seasons 1-8 like 2903 times :(

So you've seen every episode worth watching.

Ha-ha! - Nelson

Lenny: "It's a secret..."
Karl: "Shut uuuuuup!"

Homer: Bart, you're coming home.
Bart: I want to stay here with Mr. Burns.
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with
bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Well, go ahead -- do your worst!
[Burns slams the door and locks it]
[disbelieving] He locked the door! I'll show him -- [rings the
doorbell and runs away]

Or the outtake:

Mr. Burns: My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
</pre>

Never understood why they didn't put that Richard Simmons gag in. It was hilarious.

Maybe timing issues.

"KKK?! That's NOT good!"

"Let's just say it moved me... TO A BIGGER HOUSE!! Ohhh... I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet."

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They call 'em fingers, but I never seem 'em fing. Oh, there they go.
-Otto

Marge: C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
Marge: Homer.
Homer: What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Chief Wiggum: We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system.
Car System: Car gone Car gone!
Chief Wiggum: Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to?
Car System: Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

Homer: I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer's ghost: Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge: Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost: Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

Mr. Burns: If the house catches fire, call this number.
Marge: Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns: Yes. They're new. But they're good.

Kent Brockman: We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer: How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman: I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer: Get off my property.

Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor: Yes.
Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?
Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
Mr. Burns: I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
Doctor: Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
Mr. Burns: This sounds like bad news.
Doctor: Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
Mr. Burns: Well...
[looks at his watch]
Mr. Burns: [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
Doctor: Here's the door to your body, see?
[bring up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
Doctor: And these are oversized novelty germs.
[points to a different one up as he names each disease]
Doctor: That's influenza, that's bronchitis,
[holds up one]
Doctor: and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[tries to cram a bunch through the model door. The "germs" get stuck]
Doctor: [Stooge-like] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Move it, chowderhead.
[normal voice]
Doctor: We call it, "Three Stooges Syndrome".
Mr. Burns: So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible.
Doctor: Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could...
Mr. Burns: Indestructible.

Abe: What, seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeex.

[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants]
Ned Flanders: I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum: Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders: Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart: It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.

"i dunno marge, "trying" is the first step towards failure"- homer

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Homer rants are the best. From Secrets of a Successful Marriage:


Marge: Mmm, I'm happy about that. But I think you can be a good teacher and still respect our privacy.
Homer: Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. _I'm_ the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! _You're_ out of order. The whole freaking _system_ is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown.
Marge: Homer, don't _ever_ tell them personal stuff about me again!
Homer: [meek] Yes ma'am.

Grampa: Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it.

Homer: Oh my God! Underage kids drinking without a permit!

<font color=goldenrod><b>Mr. Burns</b>: "One dollar for eternal happiness? Hmm...I think I'd be happier WITH the dollar."</font>

Does anybody have change for a button?

Yes

From Fear of Flying

Homer: Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you please?!

Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.

http://deadhomersociety.files.wordpr...ng?w=512&h=384

I have misplaced my pants.

NOT A FAVORITE but just popped in my head:

Burns: Damnit Smithers it's not rocket science, it's brain surgery!

Reading over this thread makes me really hate family guy a lot

Homer: "You'll have to speak up I'm wearing a towel"

Homer: "Hospital Please"

Wee Gooner likes this

"Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?"

So Ned, do you like dune buggies?

That shit was classic.

Smithers: Mr. Simpson, are you listening? [Homer eats an orange] Simpson?!
Homer: Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny.
Moe: Oh, you were not! You were just eating a damn orange.
Homer: Well, yes, yes, to the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange, but to
the eye that has brains, I'm making a point about
marriage! For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange.
First, you have the skin...then the sweet, sweet innards...
[devours it]
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Zombie Flanders: Hey Simpson! I'm feeling a mite peckish.
[sinisterly] Mind if I chew your EAR?

Homer wastes him.

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a Zombie!?
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She's not going to leave you right before Valentine's Day. That'd be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash.

Homer: I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
Marge Simpson: Bart's gay?
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Bart?
[looks at the file]
Dr. J. Loren Pryor: Ah, whoo, wrong file.
[puts the file, labeled "Milhouse Van Houten," back]

Hospital Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
Dr. Nick: But I cleaned them with my napkin.

Hospital Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers.
Dr. Nick: I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.
</pre>

Heavyweight boxing? Homer, of all the dumb things you've ever done, this one ranks somewhere in the middle.

(Nelson is punching Drederick Tatum)
Nelson: Waaaaaaaaa Please don't hurt me...
Tatum: You leave me little recourse.

"Does whiskey count as beer?"

"Donuts -- is there anything they CAN'T do?"

"I call the big one Bitey."

Mr. Burns: Look at him strutting around like he's cock of the walk. Well, let me tell you. Homer Simpson is cock of nothing!

Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table!
Homer: You said the breakfast table.
Marge: It's the same table!

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't wanna snuggle with Max Power!
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power - You strap yourself in and feel the G's!
Marge: Oh Lord...
Homer: And it doesn't stop in the bedroom! Oh no! I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things! The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way??
Homer: Yeah, but faster!

Homer: (as town crier) Hear ye, hear ye! What's for breakfast?
Marge: Toast.
Homer: I can't understand thee, Marge.
Marge: (sighs) Ye olde toast.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Hee hee look at this country. U r gay.

Homer: But Marge I was a political prisoner.
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

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Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

-----

Marge: Homer! Come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

-----

Hutz: Now Marge, you've come to the right place. By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey.
[sniff] Better cut down there, Smokey! [laughs]
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
Hutz: [excited] Look - he's taking another puff!
Marge: Mr. Hutz! This was all a misunderstanding; I didn't mean to take anything. [Lionel disappointedly drops the smoking monkey in a drawer full of identical critters]
Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I - uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace the word 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and the word 'dog' with 'son'.

-----

Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
Homer: Done!
Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.



A lot of my favourites have been posted already, since I got here uncharacteristically late.

Grampa Simpson: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is *not* a porn star!

"WHO can prevent forest fires?"-"You have selected 'you', referring to me. This is incorrect. The correct answer is YOU!"

Marge: This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose.

Lisa: The Juice is still on the loose.

Marge: Naaaah!

Stupid Phil Hartman had to go and die :(

The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel

Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out'