TPWW Forums - View Single Post - Not sure where this goes... (Creative writing)

**gatoconbotas** · 06-18-2007, 05:15 PM

It's good.

I'd make a few minor changes -- unless you have a plan for the Sinn name to mean something, I'd get rid of it. It doesn't sound natural.

Speaking of natural, add some things for realism. When the kids where walking to the school, say they were trudging down "Insert Street Name Here" Don't put Main St. or anything like that, make it more realistic. Maybe name it the street you grew up on?

The next thing -- which is huge, imo, because it is the #1 complaint from Editors and Publishers alike:
Show, don't tell.

It sounds easy but it is hard.
Instead of telling me the guy is a regular, typical bum, show it. Use some of that concrete language that appeals to the senses: Did he smell? What color were his teeth, if he had any? What raggy clothes was he wearing? Things like that to show me that he's a bum, not tell me.

Same thing with Ben Sinn. Show me he's drunk at the table, don't tell me. It goes rather well after the beatings, but you tell me beforehand that he's drunk. Say he stumbled to the table, or after he spoke, instead of saying "he said" use "he slurred."

Show me that the school isn't Harvard. Say that windows are busted, books are 20+ years old, the water doesn't work in all the bathrooms, some random details like that.

Try to describe things more. Use concreate language:
Instead of "meatloaf made from scratch" you could use something like"
"Jennifer slaved over the heated, dirt-covered oven mixing hamburger and (whatelse goes into meatloaf?) until a warm, meaty aroma filled the air as the young children sat down and Benjamin stumbled towards the table.

My final thing -- and my biggest worry, is that you have the story in your head.

A plotline? Cool. You can have one to start out with, but don't have it set in stone. All you're going to do is limit yourself by having the story pre-planned. You have a great premise here, just let your fingers type and let your story develop from there.

I've met quite a few writers in my life, and a common question from many readers is "Why did you kill so-and-so? Why did the story end that way?"

The honest answer is a) they had to or b)they don't know. Because once they get started, the story should develop around the characters, not the characters around the story. The less you know about your story, the better it will be in the long run.

Keep us informed--looks like a good start!

06-18-2007, 05:15 PM	#8
gatoconbotas Eine Katze mit Stiefeln Posts: 391	It's good. I'd make a few minor changes -- unless you have a plan for the Sinn name to mean something, I'd get rid of it. It doesn't sound natural. Speaking of natural, add some things for realism. When the kids where walking to the school, say they were trudging down "Insert Street Name Here" Don't put Main St. or anything like that, make it more realistic. Maybe name it the street you grew up on? The next thing -- which is huge, imo, because it is the #1 complaint from Editors and Publishers alike: Show, don't tell. It sounds easy but it is hard. Instead of telling me the guy is a regular, typical bum, show it. Use some of that concrete language that appeals to the senses: Did he smell? What color were his teeth, if he had any? What raggy clothes was he wearing? Things like that to show me that he's a bum, not tell me. Same thing with Ben Sinn. Show me he's drunk at the table, don't tell me. It goes rather well after the beatings, but you tell me beforehand that he's drunk. Say he stumbled to the table, or after he spoke, instead of saying "he said" use "he slurred." Show me that the school isn't Harvard. Say that windows are busted, books are 20+ years old, the water doesn't work in all the bathrooms, some random details like that. Try to describe things more. Use concreate language: Instead of "meatloaf made from scratch" you could use something like" "Jennifer slaved over the heated, dirt-covered oven mixing hamburger and (whatelse goes into meatloaf?) until a warm, meaty aroma filled the air as the young children sat down and Benjamin stumbled towards the table. My final thing -- and my biggest worry, is that you have the story in your head. A plotline? Cool. You can have one to start out with, but don't have it set in stone. All you're going to do is limit yourself by having the story pre-planned. You have a great premise here, just let your fingers type and let your story develop from there. I've met quite a few writers in my life, and a common question from many readers is "Why did you kill so-and-so? Why did the story end that way?" The honest answer is a) they had to or b)they don't know. Because once they get started, the story should develop around the characters, not the characters around the story. The less you know about your story, the better it will be in the long run. Keep us informed--looks like a good start!