RAW Captions 2/9/2004

[Evolution]

Not even Vinnie Mack can get Goldberg to understand that he is allowed to use more than three moves.



Paul: "You're a homo!"
Steve: "Paul's bald patch makes one helluva mirror."
Vince: "So this is where I'll be when dhiorrhea catches up."



Trish: *thinks* "I wonder if this is when the photographer chooses to photo me..."



The women's version of DX goes wrong when the opponent actually does "Suck It"



As the lava flows from backstage, Trish grabs hold of Sean O'Haire's cage and hoists herself and Molly to safety.



No wonder Stacey looks fed up, the guys are lost in each OTHERS eyes!



Chris: "Earl, he's biting me!"
Earl: "...and in conclusion, I DIDN'T screw Bret!"
Chris: "I get it! I don't CARE!"



As the glass ceiling collapses, not even Ric Flair is spared.



Chris: "I swear if you move your right hand any higher Ric..."



Triple H: "Welcome to the booking committee meeting. Lets get it started shall we? Ok, if you insist, I WILL hold the title for 3 more years. Meeting adjourned."



Triple H: "Where are your clothes, Chris?"
Chris: "Why is your hair clean, boss?"



Now came the ultimate humiliation. Chris Benoit was to sing Shawn's "Sexy Boy" Theme AND watch him catwalk to it!



Here we see Chris Benoit training for his WrestleMania match, or the ending thereof.



Shawn: "So I'll just conveniently bend over while Hunter walks behind me, oh wait, we're in the ring."


Triple H: "You nimrod Shawn. Control yourself for 3 minutes, PLEASE! You animal!"



Kane still hasn't quite grasped the "Version 1" taunt.



Kane: "Oooo, year 2000 flashback, chokeslamming a skinny runt in green and black? X-Pac?"



Kane: "I give up, what DO you see with your little eye down there Steven?"



Mick: "I don't know why I'm here, but I get paid no matter what so... Triple H sucks!"
Triple H (Off-Screen): "Memo to me, memo to me, bury Mick after Randy's finished with him."



Mick: "Ric you joker, I can't be buried by Triple H! He doesn't have the arm strength to dig a big enough hole!"



Randy: "That doesn't mean he cant cover you in debris, numbnuts!"



RVD: "But I thought I only had to suck Hunter's dick to stay on TV."
Batista: "Oh the times they are a-changin'!"



As the giant tarantula emerges from Booker T's skull, Randy knows that he, is next.



RVD: "Don't aim the butt cannon at me you idiot!"



Ref: "You put your arms like this and that's "Y", then bring them to a point above your head and thats "M"..."
Randy: "I get it! I get it!"



All: "We are Evolution, and we can all nearly stand on one foot!"



Randy: "Hey, this guy don't got no ear!"
Mick to himself: "And it appears YOU don't have a grammar book!"

These probably all suck, but I'm too tired to care.

[Fryza]

Goldberg's reaction to Vince teaching him the meaning of "putting over."



(DAMMIT! I'm the one that started the Diarrhea jokes, let me kill them.)

Paul pointed out that Goldberg had been standing like that for some time. While Austin pondered, Vince was checking out the lovely woman in the audience. Turned out it was just a guy with long hair.



Trish wondered if her breasts were holding her down.



Not able to do a choke hold, Trish tried a "Smother" hold.



*Insert Molly carrying Trish joke here*



Jackie: Wait..you're name isn't Lance?



Earl picked the worst time for Shadow Puppets.



The new Canade-N-Boy recliner was a hit, at least with Flair.



Flair went to counter with a shot to the back of Benoit's head with his own foot, but things didn't turn out as planned, when he tapped. Foiled again.



Hunter was hesistant to sign the Title Divorce papers.



Chris had fallen for the Look of Job. Once you've looked into Hunter's eyes long enough, you will lose (as stated in all contracts).



Chris: No...Shawn, you are NOT "Short and Stout."



Chris practices for WMXX.



Shawn was amazed as the contract read the follow:

I WILL JOB TO HUNTER I WILL JOB TO HUNTER I WILL JOB TO HUNTER ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US I WILL JOB TO HUNTER.



Whenever Hunter found out he had to lose the title for a few days, he always laughed to hide his saddness.



Kane looks as both men are still out on the outside, and he gives them the ten count. Now, if he could only count...



Here's a prime example of why stoners shouldn't be refs.



Where will you be when you're diarrhea acts up as you're being nailed to the invisble crucifix and your hemroids flare?



Mick was a little upset when his right hand formed a Halo over it. This would make masterbation alot creepier.



Flair: And then I said: "Hey Mark, can you get this candy bar out of the machine?" and he stuck his arm up, and, well, you get it.
Foley: Haha, classic.



Randy: HOLY SHIT! Mick! I mean, this the second time! We got here just to see Steven Richards leave!



Orton displays his version of the "Flying Teabag."



Orton: Okay....I've seen Goldberg do this a hundred times...I just run into him, and pray for the best...



Here we see Booker about to throw a Randy Orton at RVD.



The ref thought it be cool to do the poses like this, but he forgot about the whole blood loss Orton would have.



Evolution's RiverDance was lackluster to say the least.



Randy: OMG! Richards...He...HOLY SHIT! ARE YOU OKAY MICK!

[Vega]

Yada yada..title shot...house shows..guest apprearance...yeah this new contract looks goo- WHAT THE HECK? FINAL FANTASY X2 PROMOTION?



Whoa...That must have been some party.



RANDY: Booker, Don't move. There is a gigantic spider that landed on the back of your skull.

BOOKER: What? Where? AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH



FOLEY: So Flair, are you really paid in mud?
FLAIR: What?
FOLEY: That's what it says on the back of your shirt.
MARK HENRY (in background): hahahaha, SWEET REVENGE
FLAIR: Yeah, nice one Mark.
BATISTA: Mark...what the hell are you wearing?
MARK HENRY: A scuuba outfit. Didn't you get the memo that the next place we are doing a show in has to be swam to?
FLAIR: Oh yeah, we better get going or we are going to be late!
MARK: *Looks at watch* DAMN! You guys are gonna be late! *runs off*



And the winner for this year's best impersonation of Kevin Nash goes to...RANDY ORTON!



HHH was pleased. Not only was every raw superstar in the ring, but they were already on their knees.

[Nowhere Man]

Vince: Hold on, hold on there, Bill. You've still got a couple of months to wait until Benoit's over enough for you to permenently injure.



Austin and Vince watch in amazement as Paul Heyman uses the E.T. glowing-finger to give Goldberg more talent.



Trish: Yeah, yeah, cleavage, whatever. Here ya go, perv.



The referee was too busy doing the Running Man to notice Molly applying the dreaded Argentinian Thumb Bite of Death.



Molly and Trish weren't too excited about their new gimmick, but "Master and Blaster 2K4" did surprisingly well.

*rep to the first guy to get this*



"So, ummm....just who the hell are we again?"



Earl: Okay, Earl, you can do it this time. Don't call for the bell, don't call for the bell, don't--
*calls for the bell*
Dammit!



Chris "The Human Lawn Chair" Benoit couldn't help but wonder if his new gimmick was some sort of punishment.



Once again, Benoit proves he has the most violent "Guess Who?" in all of wrestling.



HHH: "It's going to take a while to finish booking all of Raw around myself for the next six months. Eric! Go get me some coffee."
Eric: "Yes sir, Mr. Ryzin."
HHH: "What was that?!"
Eric: "Nothing, sir."



Chris wasn't sure which was worse: being buried by HHH, or watching him give the microphone a big sloppy kiss in the middle of his promos.



Chris: *sigh* Hey, macarena, macarena, macarena....
HBK: Faster, damn you! Faster!



Despite HHH's insistance that it would be awesome, Chris "The Human Red Carpet" Benoit just didn't get over.



HBK: Soooo, let's take a look at the card for Wrestlemania. Chris Benoit....Rob Van Dam.....Booker T...../tsk tsk* soemone get me an eraser!



HHH couldn't help but laugh when Benoit's jobbing gland kicked in. Apparently, it's a problem with most Canadians.



It became painfully obvious that Kane wasn't even trying anymore when he'd call for the beer guy in the middle of a match.



Kane was sort of embarassed. Helms COMPLETELY missed the flying Dragonrana that time!



As if Isaac Yankem or Diesel 2 wasn't bad enough, Glenn "Thinks the walls are closing in on him" Jacobs was the final nail in the coffin.



Mick bitch-slaps Steven Richards for interrupting his promo.



Mick: So what do you think of the new guys, Ric?
Ric: Are you kiddin' me? They've got me teaming up with this guy Batista, and he can barely pull off a single move!
Mick: Oh, man! That's Vince for ya.
Batista: Umm....I'm right here, guys.
Ric: Shut up, Randy. I'm talking with a grown-up here.
Batista: I'm not Randy. I'm Batista.
Ric:......oh.



Randy: Wow, Mick must've REALLY wanted those cheese curls!



Orton is suddenly possessed by the spirit of Austin and levels RVD with a Thesz Press. Many beers and middle fingers follow.



Not satisfied with being a "Legend Killer" solely in wrestling, Orton decides to go after legends in comedy too. Poor Whoopi never saw it coming.



Booker and RVD take the Dudleys' "Whazzup" headbutt to a whole new level.



In true Evolution-member fashion, Orton gets a crippling knee injury simply by being declared the winner.



Evolution would never be able to get over as a legit stable until they could get the tap dancing routine together.



Orton just didn't get it. Calling someone a homo wasn't really all that effective unless they were awake to hear it.

[Innovator]

Vince: .....Benoits gonna beat HHH.........clean....middle of the ring..
Goldberg: ...Things that will never happen!
Ref: correct!



Bald guy Russian Roulette was a big ratings hit



An even bigger hit, Cleavage shot Ironman Match!



The ref saw his opportunity for the pantsing of a lifetime



Leave it to the women to hold up the glass ceiling



Mark: I get them! They're mine!
Jackie: ........who are you?



HHH thought Benoit's hair was getting long, so he had Flair do some scalping



Flair misunderstood HHH when he said hold Benoit down



Benoit: ADMIT IT!!! ADMIT IT!!!
Flair: OK I HAVE C'S!



Bischoff knew HHH wouldn't give up the belt.....it called to him...
HHH: ...preciousssss....



HHH: This is how you make love to the mic!



Benoit challenges HBK to the only way he knows how to win, a walkoff



Benoit's mime performance went over with HHH well



HBK: Wait wait wait, it says here that I have to wear staph's suit as well
Bischoff: Sorry Shawn you know the rules



HHH smiled, right until Steven Richards gave him the pantsing of a lifetime!



Kane unveiled his best dance move, the statue of liberty



Hurricane was going for a tornado ddt, but was blinded by the glare off the glass ceiling



WWE logo had it rough, Kane wasn't taking the High Endurance Challenge



God like Mick's statue of liberty better



Mick: ....OH Evolution, man I just got it, good name



Randy: No Micks been shot again! Who did this to you Mick?!
Mick: .......
Batista: Mick answer him!



Worst. backbody drop. ever.



Randy: My spider sense is going off
Booker: For the last time you're not Spider-man
Randy: Nuh uh! HHH said I was!



RVD unveils his new move, the Van HHHinator



Winner ... and still not having to pay his dues...Randy Orton!



Evolution can't help it, when Cher comes on they gotta cut loose



Randy: I told you that prune smoothie was a bad idea!

[El Santo]

Originally Posted by Nowhere Man Molly and Trish weren't too excited about their new gimmick, but "Master and Blaster 2K4" did surprisingly well. *rep to the first guy to get this*

Mad Max: Beyond the Thunderdome.

[Mr. Monday Morning]

As a token of friendship, Vince offered Goldberg a complimentary cardboard cutout referee.



The annual meeting of the Hair Loss In America club came to order



Much to the delight of cleavage afficionados everywhere, Rhyno struck again



Thumb to the eye? Not in today's modern wrestling environment my friend. Nipples all the way.



Molly was astounded. For some reason she could hear the ocean...



"Dude, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"God I hope so"
"I *thought* I made myself clear in Boston" (Simpsons ref.)



Chris didn't really have time to play pattycake with Earl



And here we witness one of the lesser known hazing rituals - the swearing in of a new main eventer by forcefully allowing Earl Hebner to blow him. Benoit wasn't keen, but Flair was on hand to restore order.



And now the post initiation celebrations begin, with a rather more complicated version of pin the tail on the donkey.



The new 'HHH and Friends' segment wasn't going too well.



"What the hell, you never told me about any blowjob initiation!"
"I'll give you a hint why I've held this belt for so long - this nose ain't just for show pal!"



"Shawn, please, what the hell is going on? All this talk about blowjobs and noses and God knows what else...this is just a rib right?"

*Awkward silence*



The sight of HHH's bare ass is something no man was ever meant to see.



"Ok lemme see here - put self over, check. Depush Benoit, check. Have subtly homoerotic verbal exchange with Hunter, check."



Unfortunately for the viewers at home, HHH thought the commercial break was on as he slowly started to unbutton his shirt...the resulting dance display drew a record number of complaints.



Kane checked his progress on the monitor. A little further to the left, and he could pretend to be squeezing that woman's breasts!



Try as he might, Kane couldn't stop Hurricane's people from reclaiming him in order to take him back to Hurriworld, where the cruiserweights roamed free and titles didn't matter.



It was hard work holding up the glass ceiling, but someone had to do it.



"Sorry Chris but as part of the initiation you're gonna have to come out here and listen to me read from my new book."



"Hey Rikishi, you really lost weig...oh my God, Ric I'm so sorry."



Mick would do anything to avoid hearing another one of Randy's Janet Jackson jokes.



"HEYA ROB HOW ARE YA BUDDY?!"
"Jeez Randy, switch to decaf already."



Johnny Vaughan eyed up his next victi...errrr guest (UK TV ref.)



Emergency measures had to be implemented after Orton's boots became untied.



The referee helped Orton practise for his forthcoming Playgirl shoot.



Coming soon on Confidential: Wrestlers, and the clothes they sleep in.



"Hey Mick, did you hear the one about Justin Timberlake and Ja...Mick? Mick? Miiiiick? Mick?...Mick?"

[Cage21]

Vince: Since A-Train shaved I will give you his gimmick of being the WWE version of...Grizzly Adams!

Goldberg: Who?



Goldberg: I should'a never took this job.



Trish: Well...my job's safe.[IMG]

http://raw.wwe.com/results/020904/images/04.jpg[/IMG]

Ref: Man! What...a...view.



Trish: Sean...grab my hand...I can get you out!!

OR

Annoucner voice over: Hot...wet...bitches...

(reps to anybody who gets that)

(((Btw: Master Blaster = Kevin Nash's old gimmick. Mastler Blaster Steel)))



Jindrak: Cade, what are we doing tonight?
Cade: The same thing we do everynight Mark?
Jindrak: Stare endlassly into each others eyes?
Cade: No...we're going to...take over the WORLD!

*cue pinky and the brain music*



Benoit: Ric...for the last time...you're not Ozzy Osbourne and I'm not a dove!!



Ric: Ah...comfy.



Chris: I have to fart.



HHH: Let's see...who should I hold down this year.



HHH: You're going to put me over, understand!
Benoit: And I was trained by Hart too...



Benoit's bad attempt at singing the macarena and Shawns even worse attempt at doing it.



Shawn: Ahh..what the ehll, I'll take his pay raise.



HHH: Only if I squash you.



Kane give's God(Vince) an imaginary handshake in hopes of getting one more title run......when he's 80 and HHH crokes.



Kane: THIS is how you chokeslam somebody.



Kane: Now roll your shoulders back. And that concluedes the stretching portion of this workout...



Mick: Let's face it...not even I can get Orton over. Sorry Trips.



Ric: Randy IS going to get over.
Mick: Yea, and pigs will fly.
Batista: *grunt*



Nope...still ain't working.



RVD: Sorry dude...but I can't even carry you to a decent match.



Randy(desperately): What about the spider?



Rob "the flying gynocoligist(sp?)" Van Dan and Booker "The Human Sturup" T...



Your winner and still WWE Intercontinental Champion...Randy "The Talent Stops Here" Orton!!



You put your right foot in...you put your right foot out...



Orton: God damnit, you weren't suppoed to tell anybody my nickname!

[Dazz]

Great captions, especially from Evolution, Nowhere man and MMM.

Here we see Vince trying to explain to Bill that wrestling is just a "work"


Heyman: "You, Shooting Star Press Now.
Austin, "A What?"
Vince, "Paul's new dictator gimmick is working great?



Cade, "Hey have you two seen where our careers went?
Jindrack, "Yeah we've been looking everywhere"




Earl, "Watch guys, 'Here is church, here is a steeple, open the doors and see all the people'

Benoit and Flair, "Not Now Earl."



In order to keep better track of things, HHH had the entire Raw lockeroom come out and write down how many times they've been buried by him.



HHH asks Shawn to check the list and make sure RVD and Booker didn't leave out a few zeros




HHH, Stop cheating Chris, I know I've buried you at least four....soon five times."
Chris, "You've never burie..........Wait, what"




Chris, "That piece of shit's going to bury me at Mania, isn't he."
Shawn, "UMMM.....Not exactly"



Chri's reaction after hearing Shawn tell him about the triple threat ladder match.




HHH (to Shawn) "See, I told you he'd like it"



Kane, "What's my gimmick again."



The WWE told it's wrestlers that whenever Sean starts screaming for help, do your best to ignore him.




Mick Foley was late for signing HHH's list befoe, so HHH made him go out and talk about every match he was buried by HHH.



Mick was surprised as anyway to see "Rugged" Ronny Garvin show up on Raw.



Mick couldn't help himself when he spotted all that Beef Ravioli just sitting on the table.




Orton's spinning DDT needed a little work.



Orton, "How many times did I botch that one"
Ref, "I've lost count."



Batista was a little confused, as he thought he was going to be participating in a Richard Simmons workout session.



Orton, "Hey I know you, weren't you that Cactus Jack guy once."
Mick, "For the last time Randy, yes."

Jesus Christ, you guys are fast. There was like two posts when I started. And it's not September 1, 2004 Evolution

[Blue Demon]

maybe if I stand like this I won't have to job to Hunter...

[loopydate]

GodDAMN, good captions tonight. I'm afraid to do mine, but here goes...

[Rock Bottom]

Vince: Uhhh.. We... Make trade. Brock. Over. Uh... Put. (signaling with his hands)
Goldberg: Brock... Over?
Vince: Right, right. Good job Bill. Brock... Pin... You. 1, 2, 3. Brock over.
Goldberg: BROCK NEXT!
Vince: *Sigh* Paul, please.


(Austin and McMahon look on as Paul signals with his hands and uses grunts to speak)
Austin: What the hell did you just tell him?
Paul: Brock... NOT next.
Goldberg: Not.. Next?
Paul: *Nod* YOU... next.
Goldberg: ?!?!?!?!


Trish Stratus has got to be the only person I have ever seen that can moon you with her chest.


Thanks Rhyno. We love you.


Molly wins the wife carrying contest!


Cade and Jindrak reject Stacy and Jackie's offer of joining their strip poker game.


Earl: So like, have you ever just put a box on your head, and like -------------- can't hear what you're saying, and they ------------ confusing?


Greatest gay orgy EVER. I mean, you got Hebner on Benoit, Benoit on Flair, and Flair on Richards.


Grabbing a wolverine's crotch, another sign of hunger.


Triple H filed a police report, blaming Rhyno for the fact that the belt never came off.


Hunter began to demonstrate on the microphone what Chris was going to have to do to him backstage to go over at WMXX.


Benoit: And then he made me do this...
Shawn: (Trying to look like it's not effecting him)


Benoit relented to Richards's seductive ways.


Michaels double-checked all his answers before turning in his GED test answers.


Spike Dudley is so small, he has to carry around a big sign with his name on it to avoid being stepped on.


Kane represents. West SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEDE!


I could not, would not, Sam I Am. I will not eat Green Eggs and Ham.


Kane was crucified when he did his best Triple H impression.


Mick demonstrated his new gimmick - camo.


Foley blushed madly when these two studs invited him onto the bang bus.


Batista: Guys, seriously. We'll dump the body and no one will ever know.


Orton got WAY too friendly when RVD offered him a shotgun.


Orton shook in fear as Booker's head grew tentacles.


Booker thought the only way to counter the Frog Splash was to do something drastic, in flashing RVD. However, he used Orton to do it, thinking RVD might get seriously hurt if Booker showed his pubelocks.


The ref congratulated Orton with a running, sliding high-five.


Triple H's remote controller jammed, causing Evolution to deactivate.


You a vewy bad man. Ohhh, you vewy bad mistew.

[El Santo]

Vince: "You've got to try this, Bill! He'll wobble, but he won't fall."



Paul wasn't fooled! Goldberg had stolen his toupee and glued it to his chin, and he wanted it back!



Tits... I mean, it's a poignant shots of one of the breast... I mean, best divas on RAW... Aw hell. Boobies.



As the women lock up, the perverted ref steals a quick peak when he thinks no one's looking.



The WWE budget was at an all time low when divas were assigned to change light bulbs.



Expanding beyond Playboy, the WWE signs up for perhaps the worst Abercrombie & Fitch shoot ever.



Hebner: "Oh my God... my hands... they're talking to me!"



Hebner: "Hey, Chris, mind taking it easy on that elephant hide? ... Wait a minute..."



As Flair tightened his grip, Benoit soon learned why the man was known as "The Dirtiest Player in the Game".



Triple H: "Jesus, Eric. Is it just me, or do tax forms get damn complicated after you get married?"



Chris knew he shouldn't have stared, but no man should have hair with that much body.



In the first WWE "Battle of the Wills" match, Michaels struggles to stay stoic as Benoit hurls the "Yo Mama So Fat" insults.



Chris: "Excuse me a second, Shawn, but I've always wanted to do this... ahhhhhhhhhh."



Shawn: "So, let's se what we've got lined up for Wrestlemania.... What the hell?!?! 'Shawn Michaels vs. Stone Cold in Hair vs. Hair Match'?"


Triple H: "Did someone say there was an all you can eat buffet out here?"



WWE Disclaimer: When arriving at the arena, please avoid wearing loud, colorful shirts. The wrestlers may become distracted.



Kane might be a monster, but impaling the Hurricane's head with a blue ladder was going too far!



Undertaker made his triumphant return when he whomped Kane over the head with a sign.



Adding to formible standbys like "Bang Bang" and "Mandible Claw", Mick introduces his new hand gesture: "Shadow Puppet Arf Arf."



Mick: "Hey, Ric! I've got a great idea! Let's form a tag team! Mick and Ric!"
Ric: "Ha! Ric and Mick! I love it! Better than the load I have to haul around nowadays."
Mick: "Uh, that was Mick and Ric, Ric."
Batista: "Has anyone seen my right forearm? Anyone?"



Batista admitted that he was impressed: he had no idea Foley could be used as a surfboard.



Randy: "Aw damn. I thought only divas had to change the light bulbs."



Randy: "For my next trick, I will animate this hair with the power of my mind."



The move would have went well until HHH, unseen in the audience, fired a photo torpedo at Booker's crotch.



Randy: *bump* "Gah! Jesus Christ, ref, give me some space!"



Batista: "Alright, damimit, whoever stole Ric's pants, just give 'em back! It isn't funny anymore!"



Randy took his heel persona to a whole new level when he gave Mick Foley the Wet Willie.

[loopydate]

VINCE: I am not the Chairman you're looking for...
GOLDBERG: Wuh?
REF: Mr. McMahon, I think the Jedi Mind Trick only works on people with...y'know...minds.
GOLDBERG: *Drools*



Austin and Vince looked on with curiosity. Would Bill take the bait? Would he allow Paul to start writing his paychecks?



TRISH: Okay, now get out of here before Chris sees you, Stevie.



MOLLY: Why, yes, Trish, it IS sort of cold in...AH!!!! MY EYE!



The look on Molly's face says it all. That trapeze swung a liiiiiiiittle too low.



JACKIE: So then, she was all--
STACY: Yeah, totally. She was like--
JACKIE: No way!
STACY: Way! Can't you, like, totally hear her going that?
JACKIE: That slut!
STACY: I know!
CADE: Do you guys wanna go get a drink or something?
JACKIE/STACY: AS IF!
*Their conversation resumes*
MARK: Oooh... Shot down again!
CADE: Shut up or I'll have Vince "re-unite" you with Sean.
MARK (meekly): I'll be good.
JACKIE: Whatever.
STACY: Totally.



Earl applauded. Benoit did the best Wilson from "Home Improvement" impression in the world!



REF: Whoa, dude! Are you okay? I knew we shouldn't have let Ric do a Vertebreaker.



CHRIS: Shaniqua...shall have...her EYEBALLS!



And now for the monthly half-hour "Triple H balances his checkbook" segment.



And now for the weekly fifteen-minute "Triple H makes soothing ocean noises" segment.



CHRIS: What part of this do you not understand? I won the Royal Rumble. I get the title shot!
SHAWN: Nope.
JR: Can't argue with logic like that.



CHRIS: Well, of all the fabrics you might make the WMXX canvas out of, this one IS the most comfortable.
HHH: So you don't mind jobbing on this?
CHRIS: No, not at--what?



HBK (reading): "In conclusion, Mister McMahon, if you don't get the belt off of Triple H and put it on Chris Benoit, give Sean O'Haire a United States Title run, give the Cruiserweights more than eight minutes on SmackDown, and elevate anyone and everyone who is capable of working a match, we will be forced to start killing the hostages." *Scoff* Yeah, whatever.

*Rips up the petition*



Little did HHH know, someone had hurled a Spike at his neck.



MAN ON HANDHELD TV: Very good. Now you're ready to try it with a real Cruiserweight.



REF: Not bad...



KANE: Shut off all the compactors on the prison level! SHUT OFF ALL THE COMPACTORS ON THE PRISON LEVEL!



MICK: Man, it's sure good to be dead right here...at the Pearly Gates!
GOD: *Cheap pop*



MICK: Wow, the food here in Heaven is great! And all my old friends are here, too! Wait...you're not my friends--



ORTON: You're in Hell now, bitch!
BATISTA: I think he already figured that out, Randy.
ORTON: Oh, shut up, Dave. Hey...does this mean we're dead too?



When RVD ran out of weed, he'd...well, he'd smoke anything he could get his mouth around.



JR: Bah Gawd, King! Three-point stance!
KING: Somebody must have set the Ortonbot to "Duggan."



Booker T proved who the REAL "World's Strongest Man" was when he caught Orton after RVD's Superbomb.



RANDY: Owie, ithurtsithurtsithurts...
REF: I can't give the "X" sign if I have to keep holding your hand.
RANDY: NO! Don't let go! Owieowieowie...



EVOLUTION: We are the Be--
CROWD: It's been done!



RANDY: Ewwwwwwwww... What's that?
FAN: It's Mick Foley.
RANDY: It's gross!

Originally Posted by loopydate And now for the monthly half-hour "Triple H balances his checkbook" segment. CHRIS: What part of this do you not understand? I won the Royal Rumble. I get the title shot! SHAWN: Nope. JR: Can't argue with logic like that.

[FourFifty]

Not even the cardboard ref cut out Vince gave to Goldberg could cheer him up.


Paul: Hey! I saw you eating the pork rinds! How dare you…
Bill: Listen Paul, I was starving and they weren’t labeled.
Steve: What? Were they yours, Paul?
Paul: No! They weren’t mine!
Vince: THAT’S RIGHT DAMN IT! MY NAME IS VINCE MCMACHON AND I OWN EVERYTHING!
Steve: So Bill ate Vince’s pork rinds?
Bill: They weren’t Vince’s!
Steve: Then what’s the problem?
Paul & Bill: YOU’RE MISSING THE POINT!!!


The new and improved cyborg-Trish was using her new photon torpedo eye.


Ref: Wow! Women’s wrestling! I thought it was just all a matter of T&A!


First Molly is facing the wrong way, and then Christian is late for the Doomsday Device… Trish was PISSED!


Stacy: So you guys got the luxury cage?
Jackie: Why the hell is Sean suspended over the ring, and not in here?


It’s bad enough that Earl sucked at shadow puppets, but did Ric have to hold Chris to see them?


Satan, disguised as a little girl, was making sure that Chris Beniot would not get a clean win at WMXX.


Flair was delirious! Even with Chris holding him down, Earl couldn’t convince The Nature Boy that he wasn’t in a swimming pool.


Triple H had to sign the lease papers on his belt again.


Beniot REALLY wanted to cut a promo, but he was a little timid after Triple H licked the mic.


HBK was not amused with Chris Beniot’s remediation of “That’s Amore.”


First he wore the shirt, and then he wore skull cap… The Coach’s prayers were answered as WrestleMania came early.


HBK: *thinking* So in the event of an actual title defense Triple H can not lose cleanly… hmmm… so I have to put my name on this lease so I can pin Beniot before Trip’s vacation…


Triple H was pleased indeed. He just got WMXX spoilers!


Kane: Gee… I really hope that I can pin the tail on the donkey… The cupcake for the winner looks mighty tasty…


Right when The Hurricane thought he was going to make it through the glass ceiling…

[FourFifty]

3:14, 3:15, 3:16, 3:17, 3:18… Hold long could Kane hold Mark Henry’s food bags while he was way…


Knowing he’ll get a pop no matter what, Foley took time to show off his newest toy, the laser nunchucks!


Foley: Ric, you’re one stand up guy! I mean, wearing a shirt that says Paul Xavier Daniels loves Mary Ilice Davis…
Ric: What’s causin’ all this?
Dave: The fact that your shirt says PXD, LUV,MD.

Between Randy’s mic skills and Dave’s move set, Foley took a page from the great book of Jannety… What a coward…


Randy “Lou Thez Jr” Orton… Not as catchy as The Legend Killer…


Randy: *thinking* Oh crap… the camera is on me… do I say something… I mean, if I say something, what do I say…. Do I make up a catch phrase…
Booker T: Brotha! You’ve been sitting there for 5 minutes! Do something!


Booker T held Orton so he could look above while RVD scanned the crowd… Sean escaped from his cage, and Triple H had orders to make sure someone finds him.


Ref: Row 17, section A, but it’s okay, he’s just selling beer.
Randy: What? Where’s Rhyno?
Ref: He had a family emergency. Couldn’t be here tonight.
Randy: That’s it! By the power invested in me by the great Triple H, I hereby suspend Rhyno’s oxygen privileges!


Raw’s Riverdance didn’t go over that well…


Foley: Ha ha ha ha ha! Dude, the ugly fat chick in the front row is checking you out! Ah ha ha ha ha ha! And so is the guy right behind you! They want you!

[Nowhere Man]

Man, Loopy, you had me crying on some of those. Anyone who makes a reference to "A New Hope" is my new best friend. I loved the "Spike" pun, too.

I guess the student has become the master.

[Good Ol JG]

Vince: "No no...a group of letters make a word, a group of words make a sentence."
Goldberg: "Sentuh?"
Vince: "Very good Bill, sentuh. Now a group of sentences make a paragraph."
Goldberg: "Puhgruh?"
Vince: "Exactly...now a group of paragraphs make you job to Brock Lesnar at Wrestlemania..."
Goldberg: "Wuh?"
Vince: "Nothing, here's your cookie..."



Paul: "Oh yeah, well you, Goldberg, sir, are a ho-"
Austin: "Now didn't they tell you on Smackdown? No more homo jokes for you, son!"
Paul: "Damnit, it's not fair! It's not fair! How can my gimmick recover from this?"
Vince: "Don't worry Paul, I'm sure you'll BOUNCE back!"
Paul: "What?"
Austin: "Yeah, we'll keep a CHECK on you!"



Trish sometimes gets her wrestling dayjob and saucy pornstar night jobs confused...



Here we see the ref stalk Molly and Trish like a vulture and his prey...cept this is a very horny and undersexed vulture...



While trying to find his hat, Freddy stumbled into the real world and it was only then that he knew what true nightmares were made of....



Jindrak: "So it looks like we're starting that gay gimmick tomorrow, huh Garrison?"
Cade: "Yup...we are."
Jindrak: "Yup..."
Cade: "So can you girls give us one more night of straight lovin?"
Stacy: "Ohmigod!"
Jackie: "As if!"
Jindrak: "Well I guess the magazine will do...I got first!"
Cade: "DAMN YOU! Now the pages are gonna be all sticky!"



Hebner: "Arise my son, I dub thee Sir Wolverine, Lord and Protector of Edmonton."
Benoit: "What the hell Earl?"



Of all the crap...did Flair have to die in the middle of an attempted bridge into a backslide?



Earl: "I've never seen a corpse THIS close before!



Triple H: "Oh, and I want this, and this, and this to."
Bischoff: "For what?"
Triple H: "It's my birthday tomorrow."
Bischoff: "Your birthday isn't for another 2 months, and you practically own the damn company so why are you askin me for it?"
Triple: "Just kiddin 'Bisch. But remember when you WERE able to make important decisions?"
Bischoff:



Triple H: "So you see Chris, that's why you're going to job out to me and why I'm never losing this title. You got that?"
Benoit: "Huh...oh...what? Sorry, I wasn't listening? I was trying to see if I could fit a hockey puck up your nose."



A hush fell over Benoit as he noticed Shawn was growing his "I'm about to screw a Canadian out of a title" beard.



Let this be a lesson to you, when you owe the WWE logo money, you damn sure better pay! That canvas didn't get red like that for no reason...



HBK: "Damnit! I've been staring at this thing all day! I don't see anything!"
Bischoff: "Hey look, a sailboat..."
HBK: "DAMNIT! WHY CAN'T I SEE THE DAMN SAILBOAT!"
(cookie for whoever gets the reference)




Triple H laughs to himself because not only would the sailboat job to him, the USS Maine, the entire Pacific fleet, and the newly resurfaced Merrimack and Monitor would as well...



Kane: "3D! Hey...I don't get it...why do they call it a 3D anyway?"



I tried to warn Jack Dome but did he pay the logo? Noooooooo!



Kane: "OH! I GET IT! DUDLEY DEATH DROP! God I was so stupid!"



Evolution may have him outnumbered, but Mick's trusty army of fairies would never leave his side!



Flair: "Remember when I used to be your boss?"
Mick: "Remember when you had some dignity?"



Somethin tells me this isn't the first time Mick has thrown himself at a table covered in junk food and knocked himself out.



The fairies saw what Orton did to Mick, and they called for reinforcements...



Eddie Munster goes for the kill....



Rhyno and his superglue had taken 3 victims this night...



Did Triple H really have to start nailing the refs to his invisible crucifix?



Voice Over: "We now join Triple H's Simon Says or Lose Your Job Marathon, already in progress."
Triple H: "Right foot in...Hey that's good Dave, but I didn't say Simon Says."
Batista: "Damnit!"



Orton: "Dude, nice Chia pet!"

[FourFifty]

Originally Posted by Good Ol JG HBK: "Damnit! I've been staring at this thing all day! I don't see anything!" Bischoff: "Hey look, a sailboat..." HBK: "DAMNIT! WHY CAN'T I SEE THE DAMN SAILBOAT!" (cookie for whoever gets the reference)

It came from Mallrats, so could you please make it a peanutbutter cookie?

[loopydate]

Originally Posted by Good Ol JG HBK: "Damnit! I've been staring at this thing all day! I don't see anything!" Bischoff: "Hey look, a sailboat..." HBK: "DAMNIT! WHY CAN'T I SEE THE DAMN SAILBOAT!" (cookie for whoever gets the reference)

"Mallrats"

[Good Ol JG]

Originally Posted by Always450 It came from Mallrats, so could you please make it a peanutbutter cookie?

peanut butter it is

[AareDub]

Didn't read everybody else's first. I'll try to be original. Although those that have read my captions before probably know I don't have a problem with that


Vince and Goldberg take turns pushing the new Referee Blowup Punch Balloon back and forth to each other.


Dorf calls out Goldberg!

note: what's up with the pic? It looks like Heyman's legs are cutt off.


Little known Trish fact: She was one of the defensive linemen in the Lingerie Bowl


The ref ignores the match and practices the mime actions for cross country skiing


Touchdown!

(okay I was lazy on that one)


Yes, they all agreed that Jackie's WWE Logo piercing was a bit much.


The WWE kicks off the new feud between Chris Benoit, the Rabid Wolverine, and Wolverine from X-Men. This time Wolverine gets the upper hand taking everybody by surprise by first tearing up Benoit's legs and then the Mini-Tron screen on his way out.


Bischoff: No Hunter, actually there isn't anybody else coming to sign that contract. You see that was a lie. This is actually an intervention. All these people are gathered here because we think you have a problem....


Benoit: Seriously Hunter, its been over a year.
HHH: No, you're crazy. It's only been a couple of months tops.


HBK Robot: I AGREE. HHH IS A GOOD CHAMPION. HE HAS ONLY HAD THE TITLE FOR A FEW MONTHS. NOT TOO LONG AT ALL.
Benoitcounting) No! I'm serious. Let's see there was Wrestlemania, Bad Blood, Summerslam....


Kane shields his face from that god-awful bright tie dye shirt.


Max Mini debuts his new referee gimmick and goes for Kane's legs.


The new genetically engineered Stone Cold Undertaker debuts. The fans immediately take to his Deadman Walking 3:16 catch phrase.

Ok I'm tired, that's enough for now. They probably weren't that good this week anyway.

[Corkscrewed]

Damn. Great pics tonight. All the good jokes are taken.

[Corkscrewed]

Ref: "It's time for round 2 of the Tongue Twister Tournament!"
Vince: "The rain in Spain falls greatly on the plains."
Goldberg: "...shit."


Heyman: "Now, I just want to make it clear that we're not firing you because you look like Austin.

It's cuz your pants are gay."


Trish shocked the world by turning heel when she unveiled her "Silent but Deadly" gimmick.


Nothing to see hear. Molly had just forgotten to drink her milk earlier in the morning.


With help from the glass ceiling, Trish successfully holds Molly down.


As Mark and Garrison waited for their cue and Stacy stared on, Jackie prepared for her ritual nipple flash.


Here Chris was getting choked out and all Earl could do was offer him a bowl of miso soup.


Benoit was rather meticulous when checking for steroids.


...Dandruff too.


As per the new agreements in his contract, Triple H now officially owned everyone's souls.


Moments later, HHH's hair went from blonde to black.
Benoit: "Morphing... black hair... omniescences... owning souls... you ARE Shang Tsung!!!"


Benoit: "And I've worked my entire life to win this title, and there's nothing stopping me from fulfilling my destiny!"
Michaels: "Hold on, Chris. They finally finished editting the clip that's going to be overlaid onto the Wrestlemania contest at the end of the night."

Benoit (offscreen): "Dammit!"


Michaels: "Wow, Hunter's contract IS pretty long. WTF, he owns MY soul too???"


As Triple H approached the ring, he smiled. His hold-down aura was so powerful he didn't even have to be in the same room for it to work now!


Girl in Rainbow Shit: "YOU SUCK GLEN JACOBS!!!"
Kane: "Talk to the hand, cuz the face ain't listening!"


This certainly was an odd time for Kane to be doing Rock-a-Bye Baby to Hurricane.


Kane: "Find a happy place, find a happy place! FIND A HAPPY PLACE!"


Mick followed Trish Stratus and turned heel when he shockingly dropped the flea circus on his hand, letting them plummet to their dooms. The following week, RAW was pre-empted 5 minutes to prevent anymore outrageous stunts.


Ric Flair's so old he still wears shirts with Latin!


Randy: "Mick! What are you doing? We're live on camera!!!"
Mick: "Shhhhh!!! The ocean.... oooooooooo..."
Batista: "I think he's taken one too many shots to the head."


Orton's hold-down aura was nowhere near as powerful as that of Triple H. As a result, he had to do it manually.


Orton: "If I stare at it long enough... I can light it on fire..."


While Orton is busy manually holding down Booker T, RVD takes the opportunity to sneakily get elevated.


Suddenly, Orton remembered that Rhyno had been using his shampoo lately...


As you can see on the right, Vince McMahon drinks the blood of the unpushed to restore his youthful appearance.


Randy: "You lie!!! I can't hear the ocean!!!"



Bah. Me suck hugely.

[El Santo]

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed Ref: "It's time for round 2 of the Tongue Twister Tournament!" Vince: "The rain in Spain falls greatly on the plains." Goldberg: "...shit." As per the new agreements in his contract, Triple H now officially owned everyone's souls. Girl in Rainbow Shit: "YOU SUCK GLEN JACOBS!!!" Kane: "Talk to the hand, cuz the face ain't listening!"

BWAHAHAHAH! Brilliant!

Bah. Me suck hugely.

I couldn't disagree more, Corkmeister.

[Corkscrewed]

Ooh! Lets try to start a new running gag!



Heyman: "Peter Piper picked a peck of peppered pickles for PAUL HEYMAN!!!"
Goldberg: "Stuh bickin on meh!!!"


HHH: "Hunter Hearst Helmsley hereby has handsome hold of the happy, huge honor of having his haul his forever."
Announcer: "The winner of the Tongue Twister Tournament and STILL Champion..."

[Sephiroth]

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed Ooh! Lets try to start a new running gag! Heyman: "Peter Piper picked a peck of peppered pickles for PAUL HEYMAN!!!" Goldberg: "Stuh bickin on meh!!!" HHH: "Hunter Hearst Helmsley hereby has handsome hold of the happy, huge honor of having his haul his forever." Announcer: "The winner of the Tongue Twister Tournament and STILL Champion..."

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed Ooh! Lets try to start a new running gag! Heyman: "Peter Piper picked a peck of peppered pickles for PAUL HEYMAN!!!" Goldberg: "Stuh bickin on meh!!!" HHH: "Hunter Hearst Helmsley hereby has handsome hold of the happy, huge honor of having his haul his forever." Announcer: "The winner of the Tongue Twister Tournament and STILL Champion..."

NEW GAG? HEY

Originally Posted by Loose Cannon Chavo, "Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers bitch." Kurt, "Wow" Kurt, "Eddie listen,this guy does some insane tongue twisters." Eddie, "She Sells Sea Shells by the Seashore." Kurt, "Holy shit, you too." Chavo, Nicely Done." Kurt, "Okay My turn....Hey Diddle Diddle, the Cat and the Fiddle, the Cow Jum... Eddie, "Um Kurt, that's a nursery rhyme, not a tongue twister." Kurt, "Yeah wasn't it great....Hooray for the Tongue Twisting Trio Chavo, "What an a**hole.

[Kane Knight]

Plans to make Goldberg Special Referee were cancelled when it was discovered he couldn't count to three.

I'll eventually do more, but I'm not really in the mood to do it right about now.

[ColdwaVer]

In an attempt to put on something even more exciting than the red hot contract signing later, Vince and Goldberg decide to bring their contract negotiations into the ring.



Vince savors being the least bald person in the ring.



"Smack your TV... what the hell does that even mean???



Molly asccertains that Goldberg's talent is in fact not in the last place you would look.



Trish: Hey beer guy!



Vince offscreen: "Dammit, we're paying these women and we're going to do something with them!"



Hebner: Would you like fries with your Flair, sir?



Truly over the hill, Flair's recent contract stipulates naps in any match that goes past the five minute mark.



Benoit debuts his "extreme pull my finger" gimmick.



Bischoff: This better not turn into another game of strip poker.



Benoit was told that you can avoid HHH's hold-down aura by watching his nostrils flare.



Benoit: I did not give up that belt to come here and watch HHH use it to stroke his balls!



The ball comment got Benoit an official Kliq warning.



"Wha... jobber and jobee?"



Four out of five dentists recommend Levesque whitening toothpaste to hold down your cavities.



The one dentist who didn't is doing this for a living now.



Tired of the chokeslam, Kane decides to use the Hadoken as a signature move.



"GAAAH! MY NECK!!!"



"I can count on one hand the number of jobs HHH has done..."



Flair: We don't take kindly to folk crackin off on HHH around these parts.
Foley: Whoa, is Randy taking up the "cowboy" gimmick now?



Orton: Dammit, you killed him! Now who are we gonna get to put me over?
Batista: Just get HHH to make Jericho do it.



New Olympic event: midcarder vaulting.



Orton: Gah, and you wanted a shampoo commercial?



Booker T and RVD present a tribute to the Legion of Doom.



Randy does a Brock Lesnar impression.



I just have to point this out, does Batista remind anyone else of Vince in this shot?



Orton's demand to shoot this man in the head didn't go over well, seeing as someone had beaten him to it.

Caption Crew Rule

[Fryza]

[Corkscrewed]

Originally Posted by Loose Cannon NEW GAG? HEY

Remember that rule about it not being a new gag unless multiple people do it? If you do it by yourself, it's not "truly" a gag.



Gives credit to LC for starting the gag.

[Corkscrewed]

Feeling constipated? Try Raging Fire Constipation Medicine! I gets your stool out as soft as drool!

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed Gives credit to LC for starting the gag.

***Takes back everything bad he said about Caption Crew and edits his last post

[Sephiroth]

Vince: And i am telling you 1+1 = 2
Goldberg: 4



Paul: Goldy your a retard, pull my finger!
Goldberg: Dawaw rassa
Paul: Oh No Funn!!



Trish: I wonder if Chris would like it if i would put on a dildo.



Ref * Looking 'Nice Ass' *



Trish: Look how tall i am!!



Mark: So do i look gay in these pants?




Flair: Can you see the hairs on my back?




HHH: What should i write in my new book ? "How to put someone over and keep a belt in a thousand ways"



Chris: Your lips, they don't move when you talk.



Chris: So i say to you HHH will be put you over, and i get the belt? Deal?



* Chris dreaming...And here is your New World Heavy Weight Champion...Chris Benoit *



Shawn: So if i sign this contract HHH will put me over.....again. * signs contract *



HHH: I just farted big time!



Kane: How much fingers i got in the air?



Kane: And that is for not letting me be your sidekick.



Kane pretends to be Goldberg.



Mick: And that boys and girls is how i got in the WWE, not only sucking Vince cock, but also jobbing to HHH.




Mick: Your telling me this isn't the YMCA?



Randy: Quick check his wallet!



RVD: Can you see the sign in the back?



Orton: Olright Henry, your going down!
Booker: I ain't Henry!!
Orton: Thats what Booker said also!




Orton: And this is how it looks like when you shave your armpits.





Randy: And i am telling you that is why i don't let you drive my car!

[Champion of Europa]

Benoit: Mmm..The carpet smells so good..And the smell of the flowers..It feels like I'm living for the first time..

RVD (offscreen): That's it. Out of my locker room.