RAW Captions (4/20/04)

[Azriel]

[Azriel]

Lillian: See Eugene, that guy is a homo
Eugene: You're a hobo!
Lillian: Close enough

[Azriel]

Edge: Damn you Rhyno!

[Corkscrewed]

Dire circumstances were needed to prevent Jericho from getting the last BLT sandwich.


For Canadians, HGA sometimes turned awkward.


*thinking* Now that I've shaved my hair after escaping from that wretched cage, NOBODY will recognize me!!!


Christian was eternally grateful to Tinkerbell. His wish for a big burly bald version of Sean O'Haire had come true!


Utilizing a little-known trick he learned from the Dungeon, Benoit positions the belt so that it reflects incoming light in a way that the whole arena is lit!


Things got a little tense when both Benoit AND Michaels got their hands on the last twinkie.


Austin's disguised reign of terror continues.


Ref 1: "Pull her off! Pull her off!!!"
Ref 2: "I can't! She's too strong!"
Ref 1: "Well, we can't just give up, we have to try something!"
Ref 2: "Okay... um... Molly! You're a homo?"
Molly: "WHAT?!" *lets go*
Ref 1: "You did it!"
Ref 2: "I did it!"
Molly: "You called me a WHAT?!"
Ref 2: "Oh shit."


Not only did Edge defeat and bury Kane, he also stole his wrist band.


Batista: "That's right Hunter! Give him the pedigree!!!"
Hunter: "Pedigree? I KNEW I forgot something last night!!!"


Orton could sometimes get a little to overzealous with his YMCAs.


Cade was definitely frustrated. This new Tajiri Water Pump wasn't doing anything at all.


"Shoot this man in the armpit!"


Eugene: "So I shoot that guy wearing the shirt with the three H's and it's all over?"
Lillian: "Yup! Blow him up and all will be good again! (and I won't have to have 'pre-show visits' with Evolution anymore)."


A little dimwitted, Regal still insisted on calling Eugene a homo even though he was fully loaded.


Regal never could stomach that Indian curry.


Stupid Lita, too busy taking pictures of the mess like some model photographer to save Matt from the impending chokeslam.


At that moment, Edge cursed Flair for telling Batista the cast was made of licorice.


Flair: "McMahon told you to cut your hair when you were out! Now it's coming off whether you like it or not!"


Jack Doan: "Hahahahah Flair! You can't see me!"
Flair: "No shit, ass!! "


OMG! Edge with an AMAZING Alabama Slam!!!"


Benoit and Edge were so overjoyed with their savings by switching to Geico that they just had to share their emotions.


The trap was set. The triple invisibile crucifiction was about to take place.


Edge pays homage to the massive mothership that gave him the powers that allowed him to capture championship gold so soon after his return to wrestling.



I tried to be relatively original. Hope I succeeded.

[Gone Mad]

FuManChu: OK, who stole my f**kin' mustache!?!


Xtian: (singing) I'm gonna piss on you. Peepee, and poopoo--

OR

Jericho: Ach, I feel your man-doodle on my neck! Make it stop!


The ref had enough of Molly's schemes and decided to pulled a "Elle Driver/Bride" on her.


Evolution: (singing) HANDS ACROSS AMERICA!


Lillian helping Eugene with his role in the new play " Scarface: the Musical."

'You die, MUthaF**CKA'!


DAWN OF THE BASTISTA

OR

Edge: Ah!! MY LICORICE!!


Ref: Xtian is not your brother!

Edge: LIES!! (bawling)


Ref: Hey Flair, there's that iguana! Squash it!

Beniot: It suppose to be "spiders," ass.

[loopydate]

XIAN: Hey, you have a little...node...thingy back here.
Y2J: I TOLD you HHH wasn't real! Free your mind!
XIAN: Whoa...



Instead of watching what was going to probably be a pretty cool move, the ref decided it was a good time to blow his wife a kiss.



Mr. Clean tried to remain stoic, but the Venom Symbiote was making its move.



There's only one way to get in with Christian's new clique. Guess the number of fingers.



Once again, Chris Benoit proves that he is the king of the Really Really Short Ladder Match.



CHRIS: *Sniff* Do I smell...communion wafers?
SHAWN: Yesterday was Sunday!
CHRIS: But you're on the Atkins Diet!



Victoria thought she was prepared for anything...until Ripley showed up.

Believe it or not.



REF #1: See, this is how you can tell them apart.
REF #2: Ohhhhh... So Molly's eyes are green, while--
MOLLY: OW!
REF #1: Whoops. My finger slipped.



Edge was frustrated. He was in mid-promo, and Randy caught a whiff of The Rock's cooking.



CHRIS: Well, I can't HEAR the ocean, but...I am getting we--EWWWWWWW!



Evolution all had other things on their mind while the YMCA song played. Randy was soaking in the glory of his ascension to Legendhood. Batista was catching grapes. HHH was going through belt withdrawals. And Ric...just had to pee.



REF: Why won't you look at me?
CADE: Because I...HATE THE FUCKING ROBOT DANCE, OKAY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?



CADE: Crane technique!



LILLIAN: Okay, Red Contender. You have to take this gun and shoot the target over Gemini's head. Okay?



REGAL: Ah ah ah! What have I told you about compensating, Eugene?



REGAL: ...not again!



Vince knew he couldn't punish Lita for botching her moves. She was too popular with the marks. But, he could have Kane do the next best thing...



DAVE: Grandma?
EDGE: It's not a phone, you reta--[Word stopped to prevent offending sledge]



Ric Flair - Hardcore Brain Surgeon



REF: So, wait, you're telling me that PAUL ROMA used to be a Horseman?



EDGE: I don't hear the ocean, but I do feel a...fudge waterfa--EWWWWWW!



Edge and Chris were happy...until the ref started turning into Agent Smith.



TOUR GUIDE: This photo was taken on April 19th, 2004. You can tell by the grainy quality and the fact that we have three belts being distributed between two Canadians not named Hart that this was, in fact, the day that Hell froze over.



Edge was thrilled...until the cage lowered. It was time for Bonesaw!

[Corkscrewed]

Haha, nice American Gladiators allusion!

[loopydate]

Thank you.

I liked the Sean O'Haire ones.

[big_bluto]

Christian: And then we use some essential oils..
Jericho: Dude, stop dicking around. You're not a hairdresser!
Christian: You're jealous, bitch!

Voiceover by Christian: And showing a slight trim and facial restyle on our model, Kenneth, available at Le Salon du Christian, priced $650.

HBK: You look butch!
Benoit: No! You look butch!
HBK: New haircut.
Benoit: Christian?
HBK: The boys got talent!

Molly needed the moral support of Victoria, in order for Christian to finish the 'Shorn Lady Trim', however all agreed that it was great of him to do it in the ring.

Even the referee's couldn't help but gasp in awe of Christians legendary skills with the clippers.

Orton: Can you get him to make me look more over?
Edge: Course, dude! He's my brother. Now, how over would you like?
Orton: Very over please.
Edge: You'll have to lend me your title for the period of 4 weeks.
Orton: Only if he can make me look very over and give me a real finishing move.
Edge: Hey! He's a hairdresser, not a miracle worker!


HHH: You guys better have this right because I'm going to shoot this movie, and someone has to get pedigree'd on RAW every week!
Dave: Sorry, what were you saying?
HHH: Weren't you listening?
Dave: Sorry Hunter, but you're voice was so boring it even put Shawn to sleep.
HHH: Dammit! Wake him up, Dave.
Dave: Alright, but I'm getting sick of this.

Evolution shocked the audience when they spontaneously burst into a musical rendition of 'We're men, we're manly men' from Robin Hood, Men In Tights.

Vic Flair: Quick, I've got him pinned down, you find out where he keeps that bloody mist!
Ref: Right!

Coach: Ladies & Gentlemen, I give you Vic 'The Pasture Boy' Flair!
Flair (quietly): are you sure they won't know i'm a knock-off?
Coach (quietly): relax. These people bought a PPV with me in it!


Regal: Quickly now, pass me my suppository.

Regal: Christ, I wish he would let me put it in myself!


Matt Hardy's long-anticipated face turn caused much excitement until everyone realised that he would continue the longest losing streak in history.


Edge: NO DAVE! WHEN I SAID 'EAT ME' I DIDN'T MEAN IT!!


Benoit: But I had an appointment with Christian!
Flair: I'm his apprentice.
Benoit: NO! You'll give me a barnet like Dave!
Flair: Nearly finished now. Anyway, I'll have you know that Batista's hair is admired in selected mens magazines all over the world!
Benoit: NNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Benoit: You've knackered my hair!
Flair: Never mind that. Mike, check out the state of his cuticles.
Mike: Oh my god! They're terrible.
Flair: I'll have to have a word with 'The Messiah' about this. He hates rough hands.

Dave: Quick, Flair is on a hairdressing frenzy. Hide your hair!
Edge: Um. Here?
Dave: Yeahhhhh. That's fiine....

Benoit: Flair violated me!
Edge: Dave massaged me with his thighs!
Mike: You loved it!

Why God Why?

[big_bluto]

[QUOTE=Corkscrewed][IMG]
*thinking* Now that I've shaved my hair after escaping from that wretched cage, NOBODY will recognize me!!!

Brilliant!
I was worried that the Sean O'Haire jokes would die off!

seconds later a tear dropped from his eye as he watched someone throw random blue trash in the ring, why couldn't they use the trash can?

you know like the native american in the commercial...

[Savio]

Ref: You sucked in that alien movie!

[PorkSoda]

Christian: Hey Trish, make 7-Up Yours, baby!
Trish: You two, Christian!
Christian: Hey my man...Make 7-Up yours!
*Evil Stare*
Christian: Alright!



Benoit: (Thinking) I should have known never to have low blowed Triple H, he is like a shark..only attacks and gets angry when you touch his private parts.



Shawn is different. Here, Chris touches his ding-a-ling, and Shawn laughes like a Ring-a-ding, about to go Fling-a-ling on Chris's Ding-a-ling!



Jack Dome: Come on, Mike, we have to transform somehow! Put your hands behind her head!
Mike: Try putting your fingers in her mouth...
Jack: That didn't work..damn..how do the Power Rangers morph like that?



Eugene: Shoot That Guy!
Lilian: Shoot him! He is Jellin!
Eugene: Jellin like a fellin! I am Jellin! Are you jellin!
Lilian: I am Jellin! And you are smellin, you need a shower!




Regal: Don't make me put my right foot in, sunshine!



Batista: Shoot him in the arm! No? OK..shoot him in the leg! No? OK..I'll just eat him! MAAAAAAH!

Things don't go so well when Christian takes over Charlie Haas' chiropractor business.

Christian and Jericho present the first ever double ass cannon. The ref gets one blast and we get the other.

*thinking*
2+2 is 4, 2+2 is 4, 2+2 is 4...

Christian: Ron Harris? Who let you in here?

Benoit: Hot Damn, there's chocolate inside the belt! No wonder HHH held everyone down.

HBK: I'm cutting you with the beak of my cap.
Benoit: Stop it!

Victoria was forced to reveal her third arm and proceeded to knock Molly out with it.

The ref couldn't resist a perfect opportunity to pick someone else's noe.

Edge: Yeah, I broke my hand giving Hunter a handjob so I could go over Kane.

HHH and Benoit weren't about to let the show openers out do their ass cannon.

Batista: We are the kings of this YMCA shit.

Here we see Cade screw up a spanking. A SPANKING!!!

Coach: Here is your winner of the Ric Flair look-alike contest: Garrison Cade!

Lilian Garcia points out the writer' office for one pissed off Nick Dinsmore.

Regal: Hey Nick, make sure you get that Gerwitz punk good for making me kiss McMahon's ass.

Regal's O face.

Kane had an unconventional way of curing the hiccups.

Edge & Batista: Damn you Rhyno.

Flair: He's gonna keep tickling you till you give us our cookies back, you bastard!
Edge: NEVER!

Ref: There's a spider under you hand, Ric.
Benoit: It only works when I say it.

Batista: Is that your hair in my trunks?!?

After finding out the titles were filled with chocolate, Benoit bacame possessed.
Benoit: GIMME THAT BELT! MUST HAVE CHOCOLATE!

Edge: Nu-uh Batista, our YMCA is king.

Get a good look folks, this is someone actually standing on top of the glass ceiling.

[Champion of Europa]

Evolution had just discovered that they won Trading Spaces: Home Free.

[Savio]

Edge: No its not edible (eatable for you uhh...)

[Rock Bottom]

Tajiri's "Japanese Death Match Gone Wrong" has just been one-upped by Christian, who drove a flaming sword through Jericho's head.

or

Not only was Jericho jealous that Christian got the role of King Arthur, but did he really have to play the roll of the giant rock he drew Excalibur from?


The ref nervously bit his nails and thought, "Should I wait until after the suplex to tell Jericho his diarrhea is acting up?"


One man... One ring... Three Canadians... And two puppies. Now, the race is on, to see who can mount them first.

VIN DIESEL IS: Xander Cage, in XXX-3 - The Final "Encounter".


Christian: Oh sh... Trish, get in the car, NOW!
Trish: I'm so scared, who is that!?
Satan: Time to pay the piper...


Benoit makes a huge heel turn even in Calgary, when he reveals that it was HE who had Michaels's smile all along.


Benoit: All right, I'm the new champ around here... Let's make this quick and painful...
Michaels: ...
Benoit: What's a matter... You miss Hunter? I'm twice the man that chump is. I'll even give you your smile back... (Reaches down)
Michaels:


When confronted with hunger from her new-found lesbianism, Molly took pointers from Taz how to never have to deal with a "one that got away."


As the super-kinky porno entered its eighth hour, the referee grew bored of all other orifaces and began stimulating Molly's eye.


Edge: I've been gone, forced to sit here and watch for fourteen months. And I've hated it. But there is one instance that gets me the most, Orton. That Jesus of Nazareth joke was TOTALLY unacceptable. LISTEN TO ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU.


Batista paced frantically, hoping Benoit would be enough to please Hunter's appetite. After all, Batista was already in danger of balding...


At a local church this past Sunday, the stable known as "Evolution" (Triple H, Ric Flair, Batista, Randy Orton) allegedly sexually harassed and assaulted several clergy, as well as altar and choir staff. Altar boys claim that Flair only wore a jeweled cape, and forced them to touch his crotch. Other staff say that Batista and Orton grabbed several nuns, and said that they were going to have sex. Several priests claim that Hunter set fire to many holy symbols with but a gaze, and along with his gang, mocked the pose of Jesus on the Cross. More on this story as it develops.


Flair's first adventure after drinking from the Fountain of Youth was one that he sorely missed. He could now apply pressure to one's back without his knee cracking in half.


Even after drinking from the Fountain of Youth, The Coach was determined to get one last grope on Flair's man-boobs...


Garcia was such a good citizen, having signed up for a local "Big Sister" foundation... Her first mission was to take her adopted "Little Brother" Eugene on a hunt for terrorists.


REGAL DOES HIS BEST KANE KNIGHT IMPRESSION.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


THEN HE DOES HIS BEST SLEDGE IMPRESSION.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Kane swore he was going to strangle the next person who had better mat skills than him. Honestly Lita, why are you cowering?


Edge: Batista, what are you doing!? GET OFF!
Batista: I'm doing like Hunter, raping the cast of the WWE! And I'm trying!


Ref couldn't decide if it was Flair stealing his youth, or getting his hair cut that made Edge cry like that.


Benoit locked a submission hold on a member of Evolution. Meanwhile, Flair had a meeting with his therapist.


Edge: Batista, what are you doing?
Batista: The Pedigree!
Edge: Aren't you supposed to hook my arm?
Batista: THAT'S NOT YOUR ARM?


Edge cried out in misery. It was much harder to close your eyes and pretend Benoit was a chick than it was to do with Hunter.


The Invisible Crucifixes had missed Earl Hebner. But still, two out of three wasn't bad.


Sean: Wow Edge, what does a WWE title look like!? Ohhhhh... Okay thanks.

Oh man, I got slayed tonight.

[Jonster]

Batista: Hey, where's the cage gone?


The tryouts for the ABBA tribute band got off to a good start, good timing, good syncrony, and good moves, it's just that Lillian looked out of place...

and God looked down and saw HHH being held down and said, "this is good"

Ref: You ok Jericho? You hit your head pretty hard on the glass ceailing
Jericho: I was fine till Christian here let one loose

Tyson Tyko: Ok. I made my debut. Now lets see if anyone can't tell I stole this beard from Sean O'Haire

Christian: Um, hey Sean...I mean Tyson...

Trish: Thats not Sean?

Christian: I don't know...I'm not sure...anymore....(Throws a tantrum)

Beniot was desperate to hold onto his title, he had Rhyno superglue his fingers to it.

Shawn: My my my...I guess screwing Canadians isn't as fun as being screwed by Canadians

Molly's first act out of the closet was to find the nearest bitch and claim her. Unfortunetly, she picked Victoria.

Jack Donn: Damnit Molly. I told you imitating my hair style was a bad idea. Now give it back or I'll poke your eye out.

Edge: See, that why you have to get out from Under Triple H.

Randy: Oh.....(Blinks) I still don't get it.

Edge: (Sighs) Damn it! (hits with Cast)

Beniot: This...is familier
HHH: This...is familier
Edge: This...isn't familier

Evolution: We represent the Lolly Pop Guild the Lolly pop Guild,

Ref: wow...this Tajiri keg really gives the best beer

Coach: This man...IS A HOMO!

Kane: What did you do with My Teddy Bear!!!

Matt: I don't have it I don't have it!!

Kane: Then Who does??

Lita: *thinking* I hope Matt doesn't tell Kane I have his teddy bear

Matt: Um...um....YOUR BROTHER!!

Kane: (Choke Slams) I'm gonna kill him! (Stalks off)

Babtista: Mmmmm....candy apple
Edge: That's my hand damn it!

[Rock Bottom]

Here's one for anyone who's ever played Morrowind.


Christian stole the gem from the altar, only to turn around and have the shit scared out of him by a Dremora Lord.

[Corkscrewed]

Wow, everyone was on fire this round!

And Bluto, props to you! Second set in and you've already started a running gag.

[BigDaddyCool]

I didn't know Scott Ian was into wrestling.


I guess neither did Trish.


Edge (thinking): Ok, I have Beniot's wallet, what did Eddie say to do next...

[Azriel]

This picture was taken moments before WWE presents Riverdance

[Kane Knight]

Redefining "hardcore," Christian used the ropes to cut Jericho in half.



Ede's new finisher, the "Super Wedge-a-rama"



Dave Batista's evil twin.



Christian immediately regretted asking if he was going down on Triple H, too.



Vince: Chris Benoit is modelling then newest in WWE title belt replicas...The closest any canadian will come to holdinf the title ever again! *evil laughter*



Benoit: You know, Shawn, if we're going to do this, could you at least wax so I can pretend you're a girl?

Michaels: No way, man, initiation into the main event club means you've got to feel the rugburn!



It was foolish of Vince to think that the fans couldn't tell the difference between Austin and a couple of refs.



WWE Dinner theater: The Rock (randy orton) Versus Triple H (Edge).



Benoit: Uhhhh...Hunter, your fly's down...What? AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!



Triple H: Dammit, Ric, it's Step Step Kick Step!


The life-size tajiri Play Dough dispenser.



Coach demonstrates how effective Epil Stop is.



The WWE synchronised swim team was off to a terrible start.



Regal: Now you pull your trousers up RIGHT NOW!



Eugene was slow, but he was rather..."painfully" endowed.



Batista makes a snack out of Edge's thumb



Like it or not, it was Flair's turn at spin the bottle.




Benoit and Edge show Evolution how you properly do a chorus line.



New on UPN: Edge: CSI.

[Blue Demon]

Edge:REBOOT!!!

[Tornado]

Triple H: "Dammit Ric, It's Step-Pivot-Step-Twirl. Are you trying to piss off the volcano?!"

(Rep for the reference)

[Innovator]

Originally Posted by Tornado Triple H: "Dammit Ric, It's Step-Pivot-Step-Twirl. Are you trying to piss off the volcano?!" (Rep for the reference)

Family Guy

[Tornado]

Originally Posted by Innovator Family Guy

Ding Ding Ding, we have a winner.
(rep given)