WWE Raw Captions (5/18/04)

[Azriel]

[Azriel]

Trish was happy because she realised she was a better wrestler than one person...

...this one

[Blue Demon]

That's not a good thing..that's a bad thing....



WWE is running on Fake Diesel power...

[Azriel]

Ready for his visit with Vince, HHH assumes the position

[Fryza]

When did Pam Anderson start wrestling?



The thought of a suplex just doesn't set into the minds of most primative creatures.



Trish: So, how's the wife and kids Butch?
Lita: Nuhhhhh Fuhhhhhh!



Whoa, how'd Kane get in two places at once?



The Pro-Bush commercial aired on RAW seemed more frightening than planned.



Hey, what the hell are you doing talking on your cell phone in the middle of a promo you ninny?



Shelton: Just...for once...can you STOP calling me Ja Rule?



Worst. Prostate Exam. Ever.



Foot: What would YOU do for some oxygen?



Kane: You know, you look like this girl I once knew...her name was Katie...



The news sent both Orton and Edge into tears. Such a horrid, horrid event. Truely tragic. Enough to make even Hunter cry, this was BAD. Horrible. Oh, if it only never happened...



Tragedy stuck when Orton began giving birth to an Edge.



Worst. Dropkick. Ever.



Benoit: I...GOT...YOUR...NOSE!



Coach: Hold, hold still, you got a hair on your nose...



Eugene: ROCKY BEHIND YOU! CHARLIE'S IN THE CROWD!!
Rock: Huh?

Thus began the VietHaas war...



Rock: Eugene, I hate to tell you- but...you're a homo.



Coach: Would you say you beat, ten THOUSAND jobbbers?



Hey, someone get that Incan out of the ring.



Hunter: Get back guys, I'll take this one.



Edge couldn't help but feel the need to throw out the nearest rapper.



Sensing a Canadian worker about to be eliminated, Evolution went in for the kill.



Needless to say, the sequel to "The Goonies" just didn't have the same flare as the original.



Shawn (through teeth): ..get'ur hands off me..



Someone must be paying their dues...and doing a good job of it.

[Corkscrewed]

Wow, some of these pictures are instant "no caption needed" classics!

[Corkscrewed]

Lita craned her neck. 'Oh, so that's how you do snapmare!'


She might have been winning the match, but deep inside, Trish was regretting not listening to her mom so many years ago when she said "If you keep on wearing that plastic smile, it'll stay that way forever."


And here we see the devolution of Lita from homo sapiens to ape... if you could believe that is possible.


Captain Barbosa was thrilled to be a new member on RAW.


*thinking* 'All right... time to do a DDT... just grab a headlock and fall... I can do that!'


And so the legendary Orton/Benjamin feud began when Orton stole all of Shelton's briefs.


Somehow, Venis didn't like the idea of Kane shining his fist up, turning it sideways, and sticking it straight up Val's candy ass.


Lita: "Wow! You did it! Teach me how to properly put away an EZ Fold Chair!!!"


Lita was so nervous she totally botched the Tango lessons.


Both Orton and Edge were too overcome with emotion to continue the match when they heard the tragic news that Garfield the Movie would indeed be released soon.


Chiota would have been more into the match had he not suddenly remembered he'd left the stove on at ringside.


It was role-playing time, and Randy was to be the orb that was tossed to Edge. Too bad Edge dropped the ball.


Benoit was a strict father indeed. When he said no more TV after ten, he MEANT no more TV after ten!!!


Coach: "You call that a good Dustin Hoffman impression? That's BULL! I can do better Dustin-- hey, look at me. LOOK AT ME!!! When I'm talking to you, you LOOK AT ME!!! Don't look at that girl. Look at me! ..."


Now that he had called someone a homo, Eugene was no officially part of the WWE family!


"Lemme tell ya something, Rob. After Shallow Hal, I thought your career could never be saved, but now that you've made it in here-- wait, what?"


Suddenly, the king of the Aztecs made his entrance and vaporized everyone in the audience into coal dust. Yes, Montezuma would have his Revenge!


Sometimes, just for fun, Triple H would have the entire RAW roster line up in the ring so they could job to him all at the same time.


Edge and Shelton's simultaneous hemmorhoid exams didn't exactly have the best timing...


There was only on way Jericho could get out of this predicament: steal Hurricane's boots.


"Mr. Clean, Mr. Clean!"

OR

Kane shows us all his "Katie Vick face."


HHH: "So I'm pumping away AND screaming like a banshee... just like this... and"
RAW Roster: "Okay! We'll job to you for the rest of your career! JUST DON'T FINISH THE REST OF THAT SENTENCE!!!"

[JT]

Yea, I know I have alot of spelling mistakes. Sorry about that, but I hope you enjoy my captions anyway.


Orbitz Woman: Sure you're both both beating the crap out of each other...but how do your teeth look?


I'm curious...how did Evil Gap here get a dentist gimmick?


Edge: *whispers into Orton's ear*
Randy Orton: NO EDGE...YOU LIE! I DID PAY MY DUES...I DID PAY MY DUES!


Rock: I swear, if just one of you TPWW jabronies has Eugene calling me a homo...I'll smack the lips right off your face.


Rhyno: Come on, they can't make us all job if we stick together.
Evolution:


Shawn: Rico.....Swavye!

[Corkscrewed]

It's Orbitz gum, not Strident, JT.

[Corkscrewed]

EDIT: Nvm, that's StridEX.

[Shadow]

No. You're right Corkscrewed. Its Orbitz.

[JT]

What...seriously?

Damn, I'm losing my memory.

[JT]

Right...fixed it!

[Savio]

Instructure ok now take your partner and keep squeezing down on him this should get the bowels moving....

Randy: ok flair take the bling fold off.
*Flair takes it off*
Flair: What this isn't a bunch of women I can flash!
HHH: I know this is an intervention...

[Gone Mad]

Benjamin: How DO you keep your nipples so perky?

Orton: Um, can we cut now.. he's doin' the Rico thing again!


Worst game of musical chairs.. ever.


Edgeward: Call me "HHH," legend bitch!
OR
Orton was some Hardcore Legend. He couldn't even stand the whistling sound Edge made when he bit his own hand.

Never lend your wristbands to Rhyno. Benoit knows that now.


Rock: Hey, everybo.. WHOA, they still sell those enchiritos here..HOT DAMN!


Edge is getting Shelton's candy bar.. at any cost possible.

Batista: Sick f*ck..


HHH: AHH!! NO MORE "FRIENDS"! Now how will I occupy my Thursday nights?!!.....


Kane: I'M RICK JAMES,BITCH...heehee..love that line!
OR
Kane: That's all Folks!

[Blue Demon]

Dr. Yankem...Proctologist.

[FourFifty]

Finally, Always450, HAS COME BACK, YET AGAIN to making captions! Yeah, uhhh… just didn’t give a crap for… months I think. Yeah, well, if you don’t remember me, I don’t blame ya. Hey, is Sean O’Haire still in his cage? Sorry if I ripped off anyone’s jokes.


And the midget behind Trish learned NOT to pull her finger.


Don’t make fun of Lita in this pic, okay? You’d be confused too if you heard Vince’s reasoning to push Bradshaw.


JR: Bah Gawd! Trish LITERALLY tore off Lita’s head, broke a few ribs, insulted her parents, kicked her dog named Fluffy, shaved her pet gerbil, farted in her general direction, and gave her computer some horrible spy ware!
King: When I was wrestling, we called that a “chin lock...”


Trish felt sorry for Lita… It’s one thing not to kneel to him, but to turn your back on the Wizard of Raw…


In this weeks edition of “When Past Gimmicks Come Back” our guest is Kane.
Kane: My wife and I have been fighting recently, and that really got me down and out. So one day, I killed her cat. It ends up I was allergic to cats, so I was in a better mood. No, that didn’t solve our problems, but damn it felt good killing her cat. So the death of her cat wasn’t a bad thing… It’s a good thing!


Lita: Bradshaw just main evented last night, Kanyon is unemployed… Bradshaw main evented last night, Kanyon is unemployed… I don’t get it.
Vince: Don’t try to break down the logic, you’re wasting your time… Just realize that there is no logic.


Shelton: Randy, you may have a title, but I have something you’ll never have!
Randy: What and what is that?
Shelton: Credibility!


After this segment Kane suggested that the WWE hires a new beer man so mid-carders won’t get pegged when Kane is thirsty.


Lita begged for Kane’s help when she realized that her Mattchair didn’t look anything like the Mattchair on the box.


Kane: That’s okay Lita, don’t cry, everything will be alright…
Lita: -sniff- But… it’s Bradshaw, and he main evented, and Kanyon isn’t with the company…. It doesn’t make any sense.
Kane: It makes perfect sense after the “Vince McMahon Friendly Shock Therapy.”


Randy: No Edge, don’t let go! After this match Vince wants me to grab a mic and say “Who betta than Orton!” You can’t let me go! I finally have a grip on creed-a-billytie!
Edge:…………I knew I shouldn’t have looked at Stephanie’s ass……………..


The ref had to look at the chart that Lillian was holding up to see if Randy was right when he said it was the Walls of Jericho.


Edge screamed in pain as Randy twisted Edge’s third nipple, which was located on his knee.


Beniot: Ah! Randy! Stop biting my wrist!
Ref: Oh man! Ha ha ha! I can’t believe that Randy believed me when I said your arm was made of spam!


Coach: Don’t worry, you won’t remain a storyline tool forever.
Eugene: Really?
Coach: Yeah, really! Why, in a few weeks you’ll go over to SmackDown, turn heel, and main event at their next PPV.
Eugene: Can’t.
Coach: Why not?
Eugene: Bradshaw is already SmackDown’s retard.


Rock: Hmmm, this doesn’t look like a movie studio… Maybe Ric gave me the wrong directions….


Rock: Tell me this, how the hell did YOU get over?
Eugene: I’m special… That’s why I’m over… You’re gone 9 months out of the year, you know 7 moves, why are you over?
Rock:…………


Coach: So if I set $3000 a month aside, put it into a savings account with high compounding interest, cash in on my mutual funds… Hey! The retard has a point!
Rock: Bradshaw?
Coach: No, not that retard. Why are you over?


Yep, he made it on TV for long enough to be in the next WWE video game.


Wrestlers: For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly god fellow… that no body can’t deny!
Triple H: Aw, shucks, you guys shouldn’t have!
Rosey: Well, when you control our pushes, and you tell us to come out here and sing to you like that, yeah, we have to.
Triple H: TWO MORE MONTHS OF JOBBING FOR MOUTHING OFF!

[FourFifty]

Hey, does anyone remember how to do the battering ram?


Triple H: Hey, check it out… I’m a jedi… Hurricane is going to catapult himself over the top rope!
Hurricane: I am going to catapult myself over the top rope… *under his breath- “I have it when Triple H does this Jedi Shit!”*


Kane: Yes! Right when I was almost a credible monster in the ring, I was able to turn face AND get a title shot! Thank you Satan!


HBK and his new “friend” show support for the gay marriages in Massachusetts.


Triple H: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN BY YOU WON’T HAVE BENIOT, HBK AND TRIPLE H IN THE MAIN EVENT AGAIN!?!??!
Vince: I’m sorry, but Kane sold his soul to me, so I kinda owe him… How about you go violate my daughter some more to calm down?
Triple H: But she’s on a play date with Eugene at the mattress factory.


Trish: Why won’t you work! I want my pez!
Lita: For the last time, I’m NOT a pez dispenser!

[El Santo]

Oh my God! "Night Court"'s Markie Post is back in action!



Invisible Leprechaun: "You've done grand, lass! Now ya know what ya have ta do! BURN THE RING DOWN! Burn 'em ALL!!!!"



She may be smiling, but inside she's crying... ever since she mistook Rhyno's glue for toothpaste.



Trish couldn't stand Kane's awful redition of Bizet's "Carmen". Lita, though, was fortunately tone deaf.



Gotta hand it to Kane: even after the ebola virus had devoured half his face, he's still smiling.




Randy learns the hard way why Val would always emphasize the "INTER" in "INTERcontinental Title."



Coach: "It's true! I AM the Rock! Watch this. What's your name?"
Eugene: "Eu-..."
Coach: "IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!!"
Eugene: "Oh....."



Eugene: "Sweet Jesus! Two Rocks!"



Rock: "I am the real People's Champion, and I'll prove it by freestylin' like a motherf***er!"
Eugene: "But the Rock doesn't..."



... and so ... will Eugene ever find out the real Rock? Stay tuned!



Fan: "Hey, Rocky! Nice tattoo!"
Rock: "Tattoo? What... Oh, those kids their damn markers!"



Tonight on RAW, the wrestlers re-enact the invasion of France.
All Wrestlers Except Evolution: "WE SURRENDER!"



HHH: "And who's that waste?"
Orton: "That's the Hurricane, sir, one of the carbon blobs who works in sector 7G."
HHH: "Hurricane, eh? Excellent."



Kane was incredibly thrilled when he found the last gold ticket for the tour of the chocolate factory!



HBK: "Shawn Michaels is dead, my friend. You can call me... the Jok-AH!"

OR

HBK: "Please. Do not hate me because I am beautiful."



Seconds later, HHH knew should have listened to his Mom when she said that if he kept making faces, it would freeze like that.

[Corkscrewed]

Did Santo just repeat the Katie Vick caption exactly?

Or maybe he just forgot to edit his quote of that one from Fryza. yeah... that's it...

[El Santo]

Yup. You're right.

Or we're just both that damn brilliant.

[Vastardikai]

Trish has reason to smile, for Christian is taking Enzyte.



Lita: How can I get some for Matt?



Trish: Just call this Toll Free Number...



Lita: But... does it work?



Kane: It fulfills my potency needs!

*a gleam comes from one of his teeth.*



Lita: ... Yes, I would like some free information on Enzyte!



Shelton: You know Randy, A bunch of Tattoos is NOT a substitute for Charisma. I mean look at Bam Bam Bigelow...

Randy:



Someone forgot to take their Right Guard...



Matt wondered which was worse: being choked with a chair, or Lita's hideously off-key rendition of "I Will ALways Love You."



Kane: It's ok, Lita. Just put the mic down. They don't mean to hate you, they just can't handle your botching of the english language...

Lita:



Randy: Edge, Is that all you got? I've taken worse! I was in the Brig, after all!

Edge: (in his best Hunter voice) What are you talking about-uh? Do you want to job to Eugene-uh?

*Randy Whimpers at the thought*



Ref: Rhyno could you get me some popcorn?



Not content with just botching the RKO, Randy started botching other moves.

(Just kidding, LC )



The Crossface hurt, but when Randy's freehand started punching him in the face, the Legend Killer knew his time was up.



Coach: In 3 Months, your career will be DEAD!

Eugene:



Euguene was amazed at just how LIFELIKE his Rock cutout looked...



Rock: Yes, your career will be dead, but at least you'll be immortalized in Wrestlecrap.

somehow, this lifted his spirits.



For some reason, Coach's rendition of Celine Dion's "I'm Your Lady" failed to impress the Rock.



Rock: Now where was that Mirror Universe Jibbrone Version of Me? I need to Layeth The Smacketh Down on his Candy Ass...



Hunter: Dave, this is how you make someone pay their dues...

Dave:



Dave applies the lesson on the first Jobber who comes his way...

Ric: Nice job. By the way, remind me to kill that Vastardikai asshole for saying the word Jobber.



Try as he might, the Hurricane's Constipation is just too much for him to handle.



Kane celebrates his victory by doing a Tugboat impression.



Shawn turns heel by revealing his new boyfriend and molesting the security guard at the same time.



Triple H: Damn Hairballs.

[Blue Demon]

HHH after eatring the new Flamethrower burger from DQ

[Marc the Smark]

Originally Posted by Vastardikai Rock: Yes, your career will be dead, but at least you'll be immortalized in Wrestlecrap.

Very sad, but probably true.

[big_bluto]

Daddy was a great influence on Trish from an early age.
When she told him that she wanted to be a bunny, he told her to make sure she had blonde hair, white teeth and big tits.







Trish: Lita......what's greater......2 x 3, or half a dozen?
Lita: ........?

Lita.........? What's a dozen again?
Trish: Do you want to phone a friend?

Lita: Matt, what's 2 times 3?







Randy Orton's new Racist Legend Killer got off to a shaky start:
Orton: HHH was tellling me that you niggers are getting stronger because the white people are getting bigger TV's. That true?
Benjamin: What?
Orton: He also told me that the reason there's cotton in pill bottles is to remind niggers they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers. That true?
Benjamin: Dude, you are seriously NOT COOL!
Orton: What? He told me that Stevie Wonder smiles all the time because he thinks he's white!
Benjamin: You're fucked up man! Oh, wait! I'm sure I heard that last one's true.


*please note that Bluto is not racist - he just wanted to see where he could go with a racist Randy Orton. Apparently not very far*

[PorkSoda]

Trish (To Herself): Oh great, Triple H is drunk and booking the cards again, just smile and nod.



Trish: AHHAHHAHAHAH! MAYBE I SHOULD SLOW DOWN? WHAT DO YOU MEAN SLOW DOWN? *Releases Lita* Lake Aya Glooov-AH!



Kane: And now I will demonstrate something I have never done before! I will unzip my pants and proceed to...
RAW cuts to a sudden commercial.



Shelton: So, I was stranded out in the desert, nothing but pudding and sand, and Jesus comes along riding with his band, picking me up off the land and ships me to church. There, they throw me in a tub and pour water over my head, telling me I have been gifted with eternal life, but mommy always told me to react defensively, so I bit the pasture's hand, and jump kicked the pasture into the water and ran for dear life.



Bulwinkle's Moose O' Rama has a huge impact on Coach and the rest of the baseball team.



Which one of these men will last longer than a deer in Big Shows barbaque?



Kane: I'm Popeye the Sailor Man! TOOT TOOT!



Vince Mcmahon: So Vince, how you doing?
Vince: I'm good!
They both leave the office.

[thuganomicalcrippler]

Trish does her "Tom Cruise watching Will and Grace impression"


If I turn my head this way, Big Lita on TV turns it the other way. But how does she know which way I'm going to turn my head?


Has she been spying on me? Wouldn't I have seen her?


Here we see Lita botching the Flair Strut


You knew something was wrong with R&D when they chose this guy as the new replacement for Barney the Dinosaur.



Glenn "Barney" Jacobs ges right into his new role with a cheerful rendition of "I am a Tugboat."


Shelton: "Hey did Hunter tell you? You're jobbing the IC Title to me at Bad Blood!"
Orton: "Gee, I don't want that to happen!"
Shelton: "Hm..... maybe there's something that can be done. I'll tell you what. Put in a good word to Hunter for me will you? Tell him to make Benoit job to me. Then you can keep your title!"
Orton: "Gee thanks, Benjy, you're the best!"


Kane was hardly the perfect friend. While Val was desparately trying to look for his career, Kane spent the time calling for beers, a la Austin.


Kane killed Matt and Lita, and offered them as a sacrifice to the Altar of Helmsley. However, Lita botched death by getting up and singing "Blame It On the Rain"


Kane demonstrates what he had to do to get the title shot.


There are more refined ways of becoming a dentist, Mr. Benoit.


Triple H: Ok, Val, you and Rosey get to work on taking my pants off. Randy, Ric, Dave, you guys will look on and gyrate suggestively. Chris, when the pants are down, do that thing that you did just before our Championship Match. Try and put more bite into it this time. Kane, you are going to be excused, once a day is enough. Rhyno, you're going to be the one who handles my ass cheeks and....why are you laughing?



RHYNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Marc the Smark]

Can you hear me now?

[loopydate]

Aaaalmost caught up with everyone else. Once again, I haven't read any of the others, so sorry about any rip-offs.



TRISH: (Chuckling) Yeah, that's right. Get the cleavage shot out of the way early.



Lita's matches have been known to create narcolepsy among wrestling fans. Including Lita.



Love that Joker!



Hey, Kane? You got Jeff Hardy with tits on your cheek.



Try the NEW WWE Brand Dimpler! If your dimples aren't 100% deeper within 30 days, you can set us on fire!



LITA: Yes, yes, I can hear you now! Now will you please shut the fuck up! I swear, I'm this close to switching to Sprint PCS!



VINCE: (Watching backstage) Waitaminute... Why is there a promo in the ring that doesn't involve a wrestler with more than five years' tenure, a hoss, or Triple H? What am I paying you people for?!?



Isaac Yankem, D.D.S. and registered proctologist.



KANE: So what's your answer?
LITA: Yesps.
KANE: What?
LITA: Yope.
KANE: I don't--
LITA: Yis! Yas! Yus!
MATT: (Choking to death) Jesus Christ, she even botches saying "Yes."



KANE: I can't... Why won't it...
LITA: I'm trying!
KANE: Goddammit! She even botches anal sex!



EDGE: I KNOW that you stole my Sour Patch Kids, Randy!



The WWE censors were thinking on their feet when the referee got excited by the Victoria/Gail catfight at ringside.



*Insert Giant Swing joke here*



Chris Benoit and Steven Richards became the NEW World Tag Team Champions after getting a double tap-out from Randy Orton and the ref with the brutal Double Crossface.



COACH: You're a homo!
EUGENE: I know you are but what am I?
COACH: You're a homo!
EUGENE: I know you are but what am I?
COACH: You're! A! Homo!
EUGENE: Takes one to know one!



EUGENE: Now THERE's a homo!
ROCK: Have you seen my wife?



ROCK: Let the Rock explain something to you. Back in the '80s, you were the Rock's FAVORITE wrestler. That flying elbow drop you used to do. And the "oooooooh yeah!" Man, that was the Rock's favorite catchphrase...



COACH: So, lemme get this straight. If you're not a homo and YOU're not a homo... Oh, no...



COACH: Actually, I am sort of enjoying this.



As the Evolution promo entered it's fourth day, the RAW locker room said "Enough!"



As Shelton eliminates Steven Richards with the Dragon Whip, Edge takes advantage.



HHH: Hey, why is the Hamburglar stepping on Jericho?



As the "Diesel" music hit, the fans knew that the last seven years were all one big, massive swerve!



SHAWN: Hunter, this is Ricardo. He and I are together now. You'll just have to get used to that.



HHH: AT LEAST LET ME COME BY TO PICK UP MY STUFF!!!

[El Santo]

Originally Posted by loopydate As the "Diesel" music hit, the fans knew that the last seven years were all one big, massive swerve!

Muhahahaha!

BRILLIANT!

[Azriel]

Loopy is in great form