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Old 12-11-2014, 07:38 PM   #1
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BREAKING NEWS: John Cena awarded "Person of the Year" 2014 award
Quote:
Originally Posted by The Onion



When The Onion’s editorial board convened to determine its Person of the Year for 2014, the members of our selection committee were in agreement that identifying the individual most worthy of this distinguished honor would be no easy task. Indeed, when faced with reducing hundreds of esteemed innovators, philanthropists, and thought leaders to a single deserving recipient, the selection committee ultimately proved unable to choose just one man or woman who most embodies the values of integrity, benevolence, and courage that define this most prestigious of accolades.

Thus, following weeks of impassioned debate, The Onion is proud to present, for the first time ever, the two co-winners of our Person of the Year award: Pakistani human rights advocate Malala Yousafzai and 12-time WWE champion John Cena.

Over the course of the last year, who could be said to have accomplished more and had a greater impact on the world than these two? Yousafzai: an impassioned defender of women’s rights who has risked her life to campaign for equal education opportunities for girls. Cena: a physically dominant strongman and submission specialist who has ascended to the top of the professional wrestling world through his combination of charisma, athleticism, and devastating finishing moves, such as the “Attitude Adjustment” and the “STFU.”

Truly, no two more outstanding or inspirational figures could be said to exist.

Of course, though equals in the eyes of The Onion, Yousafzai and Cena took markedly different paths to this year’s honor. Yousafzai survived a vicious assassination attempt by a Taliban gunman, battling the odds to surmount her near-fatal injuries and emerging more dedicated than ever to advancing the ideals of equality and freedom. Much as Cena inspires countless millions of wrestling fans across the so-called Cenation, Yousafzai inspires young girls around the globe, even in spite of constant death threats, and earlier this year made history by becoming, at only age 17, the youngest-ever recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize.

No less remarkable are the accomplishments of Cena, whose work inside the ring has rightfully earned him praise and respect the world over. Just as Yousafzai survived an assassin’s bullets, the fearless WrestleMania headliner has endured hundreds, if not thousands of suplexes, backbreakers, and steel chair blows to the head, and yet has refused to submit to a three count time and time again. And like the Pakistani activist, Cena also proved his bravery, standing tall in the face of a range of foes every bit as vicious as the Taliban, including Roman Reigns, Brock Lesnar, and Kane. And though Cena’s list of victories is long and illustrious, perhaps no occasion was more heartening than his heroism at this year's Money In The Bank pay-per-view, in which he improbably won the main event ladder match to secure the WWE World Heavyweight Championship belt, a celebrated prize rivaled only by the Nobel committee’s offering.

As stated, the voting process for this year’s award was competitive and impassioned. Faced with two icons of seemingly equal merit—Malala Yousafzai and John Cena—our panel was unable to decide which one was more deserving of our highest honor. Cena or Yousafzai? Just the fourth wrestler in history to win multiple Royal Rumble matches or a relentless crusader for equality and progress? Some choices cannot be made.

And though Cena technically won by a handful of votes, the selection committee ultimately determined that to place one above the other would be a disservice to them, to their legacies, and to you, the reader. Therefore, it is with great pleasure that The Onion presents our Person of the Year award to both humanitarian Malala Yousafzai and wrestler, actor, and rapper John Cena, two sources of inspiration to a world in desperate need of heroes.
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Old 12-11-2014, 07:42 PM   #2
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Remember that time in 1998 when the readers of Time Magazine voted for Mick Foley Person of the Year?
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Old 12-11-2014, 07:44 PM   #3
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Old 12-11-2014, 08:21 PM   #4
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Maybe this will shut owenbrown up once and for all.
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Old 12-12-2014, 08:14 AM   #5
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Is this legit? Only the article comes across as very facetious.
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Old 12-12-2014, 08:41 AM   #6
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well, too many JOKES will spoil the broth, but the Cena joke is so much, SO MUCH FUNNNNNNNNNNNN

TOO MANY JOKESSSSSSS
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Old 12-12-2014, 08:56 AM   #7
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Brock should have been the joke
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Old 12-12-2014, 09:01 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by XL View Post
Is this legit? Only the article comes across as very facetious.
published by The Onion
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Old 12-12-2014, 03:14 PM   #9
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Well I know that.

I didn't know what The Onion was. I've now had to look it up. Thanks for your help!
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Old 12-12-2014, 07:23 PM   #10
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It is totally legitimate though. This is a legitimate Onion award. Legitimately decided on by The Onion itself.
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Old 12-12-2014, 07:59 PM   #11
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Who are you to doubt The Onion. It's a Jam Up Site
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Old 12-12-2014, 11:19 PM   #12
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Not a single mention of his tireless make a wish work......
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Old 12-12-2014, 11:23 PM   #13
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The tireless work to give Owen Brown a stroke/lose remaining hair.
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Old 12-12-2014, 11:42 PM   #14
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Malala deserves a rematch at the next PPV. Humanitatian Aid On A Pole match, playa!
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Old 12-13-2014, 01:36 AM   #15
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Oh, silly The Onion, being unintentionally funny and not knowing that his submission hasn't been called the STFU for years.
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Old 12-13-2014, 01:37 AM   #16
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Surprised they knew his finisher was called the Attitude Adjustment and didn't call it the Death Valley Driver...
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Old 12-13-2014, 01:50 AM   #17
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It's not a fucking Death Valley Driver. It's a fireman's carry.
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Old 12-13-2014, 11:04 PM   #18
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no it isn't...
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Old 12-14-2014, 05:40 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SlickyTrickyDamon View Post
It's not a fucking Death Valley Driver. It's a fireman's carry.
LOL, I know but back when he first started using it, that's what it was referred to as, sometimes shortened to "DVD".
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Old 12-15-2014, 07:11 AM   #20
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Great choice. Only guy better I'd say would be The Ryback Big Buy but I'm happy with this decision.
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Old 12-15-2014, 12:11 PM   #21
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8BFr0XpQ1s

Biblical video. Cena show's his heart, courage, and charisma.

nOONE CAN FU K WITH THE BEAST.

I for one would have ran away from brock as fast as i could
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Old 12-15-2014, 12:34 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DAMN iNATOR View Post
Oh, silly The Onion, being unintentionally funny and not knowing that his submission hasn't been called the STFU for years.
them calling it the STFU made it a tad bit funnier.
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