RAW Captions [6-29-2004]

[Corkscrewed]

Hunter: "That's right! If you join the Nazi party, we'll make YOU the next WWE Champion in two months!"
Eugene: "Yay!"


Much to his dismay, Eugene found out The Force didn't work on British folk.


In an effort to make himself more exciting, Eric Bischoff conducts a promo from Mount Doom.


Batista: "Your hair! So soft! You use Clairol Herbal Essences don't you?"
Edge: "Yes! YES! YES!"


Orton was just about to consume his giant invisible burrito when Edge reached in and swiped it away from him.

OR

Edge annoys Randy by constantly tapping him on the shoulder during his carrying-a-glass-ceiling-panel-on-his-knees ceremony.


When Edge threatened to "mop the floor with Randy," Orton didn't think he meant literally.


Jericho's Dragonball Z cameo was a great hit with Japanese fans.

OR

When Vince finally offered Jericho a real, genuine, sustained push, Jericho was blown away.

OR

A rare pic of what happens during the process of not staying in the back.

OR

"Comet crashing to the Earth? Like, Benoit, I must leave! Jericho, AWAY!!!"

OR

The mere existence of Bradshaw holding the WWE Title was enough to make the universe collapse upon itself.


Batista: "Randy? You okay? I told you not to try Lita's version of a drop kick!"


Ingeniously, just as he was about to get pinned, Batista unleashed a silent but deadly one, knocking out the ref and preventing a pinfall.


Matt botches the Rings of Saturn.

OR

The Great Donut Scramble was one of the all-time classic segments on RAW.


The match was presented a predicament when Hunter borrowed Rhyno's boots for the match.


Eugene: "My wrist's a homo?"
Regal: "No, that man's a homo!"
Brock Lesnar: "Homos? KILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!"


Not surprisingly, fans didn't respond too well to the standing triple orgy in the middle of the ring.


Eugene demonstrates his "Brock Lesnar meeting a homosexual internet geek" impression.


"Heh heh heh... nothing better than some cream filling with a glass of Evolution Kool-Aid!"


A bitter referee Mike Chioda had the company logo tattooed on his anus so that everytime his boyfriends were around, they could fuck the WWE.

OR

Conway: *gack* "Okay! You can keep Saddam, but we get Chemical Ali!" *choke*


After Rhyno passed out from shock that Bradshaw had won the title, La Res had to carry him out on their human stretcher.


"Yes! I'm French, not Mexican!!!"


Kane demonstrates how he can magically control the number of lights shining above his head with just the signal of a hand.


Benoit: "If I'm getting buried next month, I'm taking you down with me!!!"
Kane: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"


The German Suplex was bad enough, but the added bite to the tailbone was what really made this agonizing.


Sometimes, when Kane broke down in the middle of the ring because he realized he was in an angle with Lita, Chris just had to be there and give him a reassuring hug.


Lita botches kissing.

OR

It wasn't exactly a smart idea for Lita to reveal her chronic halitosis to Mr. Yankem.

[Corkscrewed]

Randy Orton entertains Batista with his impression of Lita walking.



Edit: Looking back on this set, I think I actually did okay... or at least better than I've been doing recently, do I'd appreciate some comments on any really funny ones, unless they weren't funny and I'm just stupid.

[.44 Magdalene]

With Regal's power level of 500,000,000, Eugene's Special Beam Cannon was useless.


Here we see a clip of Chris Jericho, losing a limb and falling from space due to a botched Butterfly Effect. Boy, is Lita gonna get it.


With a very shocking turn on his own stable, "The Headless Hunter Horseman" made his debut.


Jericho: Look! A clean pin! I'm getting a clean win over Evolution! My credibility SHALL RETURN!
Everybody: *...Looks away and starts to whistle.*
Jericho: ... Dammit. ._.


After two weeks of HHH's mentoring, Eugene STILL doesn't know what he means by "putting him over."


Tsk tsk. Depend on Eugene to screw up the Fusion Dance.


Horry shit! Ish Tardzirra!


Hitler himself, decked out in camo and horribly aged as part of his eternal punishment, rises out of Hell and immediately mistakes a member of La Resistance for John "Bradshaw" Layfield.


Lost another loan to Ditech!


Dr. Yankem gets ready to examine the patient...with a vengeance.


After Hitler's failed attempt to drag JBL to Hell, the Red Baron makes the same mistake. Damn you, Red Baron.


Lita was horrified. Kane really WAS a cup bigger than her.

[FourFifty]

Kane & Lita: Why are you dragging me down?


In another attempt to get some heat, Triple H tells Eugene every little detail about his little “home made video” with Steph.


HHH: Now Eugene, who stole the cream filling?


*and at home, Sean O’Haire got really pissed*
“Now I know that ratings aren’t the best, and I understand that everyone thinks that Triple H is over rated and JBL is a moron, and to rectify this we won’t do anything. We’ll just recycle the same crap every week and yet you’ll still watch for reasons that are unknown to me. Hey, don’t be pissed off at me. I’m not telling you anything that you don’t already know.”


Moral of the story: Don’t tell Batista to go on a low carb diet.


The WWE told Randy they want him to be a well rounded wrestler, but reciting Shakespeare and juggling invisible chainsaws is not what they had in mind.


Edge: And Lita calls this move the Sharpshooter!


Chris Jericho had to end it all after hearing that JBL won the title on SmackDown.


Randy successfully pulled off the “Swanton Ala Lita.”


Jericho: Come on Ref! Clean pin here! Trying to restore my credibility!
Ref: Be quite Chris! Lassie is trying to tell me something! What’s that girl… Jimmy is stuck in a burning well? LET’S GO!


The fashion police goes after Matt Hardy for crimes against fishnet.


To further his status as a heel Triple H holds Eugene down with his foot.


Batista: Have either of you seen where my credibility went?


Xtreme Shadow Puppets!


Steven Richards has gone too far this time…


Triple H watches SmackDown and chuckles at their self burring roster.


Rob Conway- French Sympathizer, Neo Nazi, Next WWE Champ.


And then Sgt Slaughter unveiled his secret tactics… He gave Rhyno a BIIIIIIG hug right before the match.


Sometimes just to have fun Triple H lowers the glass ceiling.


Kane was ordered to attend AA meetings after he called for a beer in mid match.


Chris: No! Kane! You can’t call for a beer in mid match!
Kane: But I’m soooo thirsty!!!


After this night Kane was forbidden to attempt the butt bump.


Kane broke town in tears when he learned who the real father of Lita’s baby is… The father of Lita’s baby is also the best man she has ever had in bed…. I mean, seriously, who betta than Kanyon?


Lita: So I was thinking, with this whole pregnancy story thingie, I know the bestest way to end it!
Kane: I’m listening…
Lita: Just drop it!
Kane: What?
Lita: Oh, like people remember the whole “I Still Remember” note?

[Gone Mad]

Jericho Ranger : COME! LIONZORD ACTIVATE!


Lita botches foreplay.


Batista: Oh,your Brock Lesnar impression is HILarious,Rand!


Kane REALLY doesn't wanna watch "White Chicks".


Officer: It's the talented Hardy! Get him!


Edgeward: Give me Jessica's number right now!

Orton: For the last time, I lost it...oh and I'm not LaChey!


Eugene shouldn't have used Steven Richard's candy dispenser.


Conway went for the tag,but O'Haire was just too far.

[FourFifty]

Originally Posted by gonMad00 Kane REALLY doesn't wanna watch "White Chicks".

Can you blame him?

[Raising Kane]

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed Batista: "Your hair! So soft! You use Clairol Herbal Essences don't you?" Edge: "Yes! YES! YES!" When Vince finally offered Jericho a real, genuine, sustained push, Jericho was blown away. Eugene demonstrates his "Brock Lesnar meeting a homosexual internet geek" impression. Benoit: "If I'm getting buried next month, I'm taking you down with me!!!" Kane: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

My favorites.

[Gone Mad]

Jericho: Sorry this is so sudden. I mean, ever since Rico got injured, it's been hard to find a styli--ow! You mind?!

Batista: It's hard enough with these tangles. They're the living end!


Worst. Electric Side. Ever.


Kane had the same idea that his brother had: RANDOM FINGER PUPPETS!
(See my caps for GAB for referrence)


Bearer: Um..guys?..hello? I'm still here...


Poor Eugene could not face the fact that Bradshaw's the Smackdown champ. He's still trying to get over the ending of Friends.


HHH: JBL wins the championship, Brock is homophobic, and I sport Nazi-wear.. my HHH reich is complete!


Kane (still arguing about movies): But I wanna see "Garfield"!

Benoit: Hey,I had to watch "Soul Plane" so this time it's "White Chicks"!


Conway: Yes! I'm a contender! I..beat old Sarge.. ugh... I knew I should have gone to NWA.

[Raising Kane]

HHH had Orton and Batista put a huge X on Eugene’s forehead so he knew just where to aim with the sledgehammer. Randy considered this rather clever. Batista was still trying to figure out where they were going to get a sledgehammer.


HHH: Eugene, did you just fart?
Eugene: No! It was the dog.
HHH: There's no dog out here.
Eugene: Um... ok, it was him! *giggles*


Even with the view clearly showing he was present, Eric denied his involvement and tried to blame Bush for the bombing of Raw.


Batista: I can see your roots man. You color your hair.
Jericho: Alright I admit it. I was going to take the Trash Stratus route and offer Vince anything. He seems to prefer blondes. Unfortunately I can’t get my implants until next month.


When Edge realized that Orton and Jericho’s rendition of Romeo and Juliet was a bust, he tried to pull Orton out of the ring. Randy insisted on finishing his death scene and plunged the invisible dagger into his chest.


Randy: I thought you said this wouldn’t hurt?!
Edge: And I thought I was blonde…


Jericho became excited as the giant UFO sucked him in with it’s tractor beam. This was a sure way to get above the glass ceiling!


Batista hit Randy so hard he literally lost his head.


Batista: Hey Jericho, from this angle you really are a sexy beast.
Ref groaning: Oh God, now we’ll never hear the end of it.
Jericho: Yeah I am. Wait a minute...



When the WWE couldn’t find a greased pig to use for Hardy’s Farmboy gimmick, Vince said that Kane should take the pigs place since according to HHH he was due to be buried again anyway.


With the loss of his wrestling skills, HHH needed a hand up from Eugene to get above the glass ceiling.


Eugene: What are these?
Regal: Those are HHH’s balls.
Eugene: Cool. Another souvenir to add to my collection!


Eugene wasn’t sure what to think when Regal proved he really did have a third leg.


Eugene’s reaction when Orton and Batista informed him of what they had to do for HHH in order to join Evolution.


HHH’s reaction to Eugene’s reaction, when Orton and Batista informed him of what they had to do for HHH in order to join Evolution.


Conway: Man that better be your belt buckle that’s poking me in the back!
Slaughter: At my age do you actually think anything else is going to stick out past my stomach?


When Slaughter had an alzheimer’s episode and couldn’t remember where he was, La Resistance were kind enough to carry him backstage.


His reply to the casual forum “Post your orgasm face” thread…


Refusing to take the vacant jobber spot, Kane chokeslammed the aliens to get Jericho back and save his push.


Benoit: Give me your hand. It won’t hurt I promise. You’ll get the title when it’s over.
Kane: No way! I don’t want the title THAT much!


The aliens, pissed off about the chokeslams and Jericho’s release, tried to beam up Kane. Benoit held on for dear life, knowing he’d have to end up jobbing to HHH again with Kane gone.


Ref: Hey Benoit! His head is turning purple…
Benoit: Okay, let me know when we get to blue, that’s his favorite color.


Lita couldn’t believe Kane expected a good-bye kiss after he had given her to the aliens in his place.

[Mayo]

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed Eugene: "My wrist's a homo?" Regal: "No, that man's a homo!" Brock Lesnar: "Homos? KILLLLLLLLLLLL!!!" Eugene demonstrates his "Brock Lesnar meeting a homosexual internet geek" impression. A bitter referee Mike Chioda had the company logo tattooed on his anus so that everytime his boyfriends were around, they could fuck the WWE

Hilarious!

[asphyXy]

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed Batista: "Randy? You okay? I told you not to try Lita's version of a drop kick!"

[Savio]

Honestly guys the fish was this big!

This is what happens when you watch the GAB

or

Orton cost Evolution the match when he decided to watch The GAB

[James Steele]

The Evolution laugh-off invitational was down to two men. Eugene and Triple H.


Triple H's new game show "Name That Talented Wrestler!" on the Game Show Network was not very "truthful" once HHH realized that nobody ever pointed to a member of Evolution.

Eric Bishoff shocked the world when he announced he and the WWE logo announced that they were running for President and Vice President of the United States Of America in 2012!

When Jericho said "Let's make it a rough looking match"... he forgot about Dave's 6 years in the pen.

The WWE's Opera "Raging Bullshit" starring Randy Orton was a huge hit in the reality show wars.

Randy Orton forgot that Edge is not HHH and assumed the position at the wrong time...

Jericho's attempts to save Sean O'Haire failed when he forgot about Newton's Law Of Gravity.

Dave tried to help Randy after HHH's film taping of "Evolution Of The Orgy"

The sequel was a special "fetish" version.

Matt attacked Kane after Kane asked when Jeff was coming back.

Eugene knew joining Evolution was going to cost him his manhood, but William said it was better than the "Kiss My Ass" club.

Regal: "That Michael Cole is a bloody homosexual"
Eugene: No he's not... this Text Message on my Verizon Wireless cellular phone says he is into beastiality.

HHH's attempt at his own "Ho Train" didn't go over with the fans or Regal and Eugene.

Eugene goes into a violent rage after seeing the HHH/Stephanie sextape.

Triple H forgot just how good he was.... thank god for the WrestleMania 2000 DVD.

WWE's mandatory ref physicals could have waited...at least until after Sylvan tapped to Sgt. Slaughter DDS's French Tickler Dental Lock.

La Rez couldn't wait to debut their tag team submission finisher: The French Sympather Tickler.

Rob was nice enough to help the ref when there was no more toilet paper.

Kane shocked the world when he became one half of the new Harlem Heat with his "raising the roof from hell"

Kane had felt the power of the lord anoint him and Benoit had to say "HALLEJUAH!"

Benoit should have known better than to take Lita's advice on how to do a raspberry.

Benoit had to stop can from finding the creme filling.

Lita and Kane revealed their singing powers after duplicating a Kenny Roger's duet with Dolly Parton.


***Sorry if these suck, but i couldn't come up with anything ***

[Mayo]

HHH: What did you say? Stephanie let you put it WHERE?
Eugene: I...i...it was nothing... really!
Orton: Haha, sucker!


HHH: Okay, I've calmed down a bit, you're the new guy, so I know it was an honest mistake. Now who was the one that Stephanie used the strap-on with?
Eugene: *points to Regal*
Regal:


President Bischoff: Citizens of America, the alien invaders have began firing at our planet just behind my office as we speak. Enjoy your last few moments, fuckers, as I'm gonna go bone Trish before being incinerated.


Batista was very good as a tutor; his first lesson was to teach Jericho to politely answer questions in class.


After looking at the Titantron, Orton turned the wrong way to acknowledge the sign that someone made for him in the crowd.


Edge: TELL ME! Tell me the real reason why you are getting such a huge push in Evolution!
Orton: Okay, OKAY! I let Hunter use my Swedish penis enlarger, he says Steph has screamed like a banshee ever since!
Edge:


Tarzan 2050 didn't have the critics praises after the first episode.


Batista: Randy, get up. You don't have to try so hard, you are already almost identical to The Rock.
Orton: If I could just get this nip up thing right...


The ref is too busy playing with Randy's My Little Pony to pay attention to the match.


Cop #1: Get him! Thats the guy that raped Lita!
Kane: My crispy critter, it was burned in the fire! I can't even sustain an erection anymore!
Cop #2: If he admits something like that, he's gotta be innocent! Arrest that jobber-looking guy instead!
Matt: And I was finally about to get a push! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!


HHH: Now listen Eugene, you have the grip down perfectly, but thats not what I told you to play with.
Regal:


Nazi syndrome was infecting all of the wrestlers after seeing JBL win the title.
Regal: ZIEG HEIL!
Eugene: See this locket, thats my Jewish grandma that died in WW2! YOU BASTARD!


The WWE's attempt at a conga line was fading. Brock Lesnar, making a surprise appearance, began to pick off guys that joined since he thought dancing was gay.


Thats right I'm back!!! And crazier than ever!!! I have trained and fought so hard in UFC that I havent groomed myself in years!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!


HHH: Swedish what? Ohhhh come on Steph, you think thats why it seems bigger lately? Don't listen to Randy, he doesn't even have an enlarger since hes so big....umm... uhh... I mean... because 'I'm that damn good'?


Slaughter had the camel clutch firmly in place and the Ref was setting him up for the spear; Grenier had to be punished after he revealed how many more months that the Kane/Lita storyline would last.


Sylvan: So vere did zou find zees hoss?
Rob: He vass enclosed in cement behind zee arena on Sunday.
Sylvan: Vait until Vince sees zees, we vill get pushes for certaine!


Ace Ventura: YES, YES, YES, YES!!!


Kane became a ruthless heel after he requested extra lighting to shine off his head to blind fans throughout the arena.


Benoit had to drag Kane off stage after his terrible Broadway acting sent the fans into a riot.
Kane: New York, NEW YOOOOOOOOOOOOOORK!


Benoit regretted travelling to the arena with Kane after he insisted that they handglide into the arena.


Benoit: *in tears* I'm so glad that someone else on the roster doesn't believe in going to the dentist!!! I love you, man!


Kane further cements himself as a top heel after piercing Lita straight through during intercourse.

[Face Heely]

Eugene knew he'd be visiting Uncle Eric that day,
but Uncle Ernie's appearance was a total surprise.


Kane: "Now I...I've had the time of my life..."

Frustatred with life and his push going nowhere, Jericho decides to end it all.

[big_bluto]

Corky - best caps I've seen you do EVER.

So much so that I can't come up with anything funnier, so I'm not gonna bother.!

If I could rep...but I tried.

[PorkSoda]

Eugene: No..I dont want to hear it anymore.
Triple H: It's true Eugene, Benoit is not your friend. Hes nothing but a...but a...oh man I can't even say it! Benoit is...he is...*Under his breath* forgot my lines again...uhhh...*into the microphone* HE HAS BIG DIRK!
Randy: (Whisper) You're supposed to say big jerk.



Triple H: No...he was never your friend, Regal, admit it, you just was his servant.
Regal: It was a jo...
Triple H: NO IF'S AND'S OR BUT'S REGAL!
Regal: I said it!
Eugene: He's got you there, Trips.
Randy: (To Batista) Heh-heh..he said butt!



Jericho got so excited about winning the WWE title, when Vince told him they were gonna fly to Alabama and Jericho would win, Jericho literally flew.



Batista: OH MY GOD! RANDY! WHO DID THIS TO YOU!?!?! I BET IT WAS CATWOMAN!!! SHE'LL PAY FOR THIS! SHE'LL PAY FOR THIS!! SHE'LL PAY FOR THIS! SHE WILL PAY FOR THIS! SHE'S GONNA PAY FOR THIS!
We've learned that Batista's vocabulary is so repetive just like the number of moves he uses in the ring.



Bischoff: (Before) Now officers..when theres a fight in the ring, you break it up so nobody gets hurt.
(Later)
Matt Hardy and Kane are fighting around the ring while the officers stand around.
Officer1: (To officer 2) So what are you having for dinner tonight?
Bischoff: THERE'S A FIGHT IN THE RING!
Officers: Really? Cool...OH SHIT! BREAK IT UP!



Regal: No...in disco...you move your right arm to the RIGHT!
Eugene: No..No...you take your wrist and put it forward.



Stupid Loony Tunes.



Lita: OH MY GOD! KANE! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN, CAN YOU TAKE A WRITING UTENSIL AND A PIECE OF PAPER AND WRITE YOUR SIGNATURE SO I CAN BRAG THAT I HAVE IT ON PAPER!
Kane: Chewchewchew!