Raw Captions 8/23

[Apprentice]

[Xero]

Coach: 1, 2, 3... Okay, we're gonna need punch and cake for 6...


Rock: We are the nation... Of domination!
Fan: You aint in the nation no more dipshit!
Rock: Oh... Viva la Resistance!
Fan:


Coach's power booger didnt exactly work well...


Ric: Cootchy Cootchy Coo!
HHH: STFU Ric...


FISHY FACE!


Edge: Do I have something in my teeth?
Ref: Ahh... EWWW! WTF IS THAT!?
Jericho: Comeon guys! That opening segment took 25 minuits and I'll be damned if I'm gonna lose out on anymore TV time!


The ref was stunned when he noticed that Edge had a stump for a hand...


HHH: ... And then she says, she says "I cant take anymore" and I blow...
Batista: Uh, Hunter, wrong time, wrong place, and just no...


Randy: Wh... Where are my My Little Pony action figures!?
HHH: I STOLE EM!
Randy: But... But... You said you were just gonna look at them


Belty: Please god, no!


Belty: Good thing Rhyno took a good look at me before Randy came out!


The WWE medical crew was getting cheap when they started sewing patches where wrestlers were cut...


HHH: Does my hair look like shit... DOES IT!?
Bischoff: N... No, it's a lovely shade of brown...
HHH: IT'S BLONDE!


Ric didnt quite have the hang of the Rockettes kick yet...


Eugene: Kshhh... Liftoff... Houston, we have liftoff!


JR: BAHGAWD CHOKESLAM!


Regal: Do the butt bump!
Ric: WOOO! This is fun!
Ref: Yo waitress, who's leg do I have to hump to get a dry martinee around here?


Lita botches staying awake...


Vince: I shall call them... Minim...
Kane: OH SHUT UP VINCE! IT WASNT FUNNY THE FIRST 50 TIMES, AND IT'S NOT FUNNY NOW!


Everything was perfectly white in the ring, except Lita and that damn WWE logo...


GINGIVITIS!


Kane, Lita, and the Whore, the NEW Three's Company!


Where will you be when your explosive diarrhea acts up?


BAHGAWD FIGURE FOUR!


Kane: Mmm... mmm... Give it to me, yeah!
Lita: Voo piss lahk Vatt!


Red means he's happy!

[Innovator]

Somewhere in the distance, you could hear a faint "Here Comes the Pain"


Rock, how many matches are you gonna wrestle before 2010?


Rock: God you really are a popcorn fart Coach
Coach: Oh yeah, I can still point to my knees better than you!


Ric: So I said rectum? Damn near killed em!


Billy Idol: Blimey! Did he really just rip me off?


Edge and the ref are debating the meaning of life, God is happy to give them the answer


This match is brought to you by the letter S


Triple H was reaching for heel heat sometimes, luckily he does the best Michael Jackson impression


Randy: Lets see, title belt, check...cocky persona, check...pants,...shit!


Hogan and Nash seem a bit different...


Randy was about to give HHH his share of the cream filling


Eric: Theres a crunch berry underneath your nose


Flair, never one to get upstaged, breaks out the best damn thriller dance ever seen


Ric: Wait Regal what are you doing?
Regal: Ric, its time to buzz the tower...


Ric: Comas ain't so bad, I slip in and out of comas all the ti............................


Ric: Is it in commercial?
Regal: Yeah
Ric: Quick, DO THE HUSTLE, da da da dada dada da da


Lita: Oh my god I'm drowning!


This was the happiest day of Stevie's life...


Father: Do you Lita take Kane to be your lawfully wedded husband?
Lita: BINGO!


Kane on one side, Lita on the other, Trish right in between...this could be the worst interpretation of a "Fistful of Dollars" yet


Matt proved to be the man when he pulled the best part of the wedding out of his ass...


Lita: Matt are you ok?
Matt: Shut up bitch I'm on vacation!


Uncle Fester finally gets some


Lita: Kane do we have to?
Kane: Triple H's wedding present, two year long honeymoon in midcard hell!

[.44 Magdalene]

Surrounded by six beautiful women, the Coach hit puberty on live television.


I might not have Belty around my waist...but there's one thing I WILL have. At Unforgiven...RINGY! You WILL lay down...TO THE GAME!


Need...Evolution...Koolaid...powers...fading...


WWE was really pushing the limits by hosting two weddings in the same night.


Flair: HEEEERE COMES THE GATOR!
Regal: Nooooooo!


After a round with the Atkins diet, Vader makes a shocking return.


WWE Presents: How Not To Do An Orgy, Vol. III


Do you, Lita, take this door...


Shane McMahon and his stable, the McMidgets, were an immediate success.


IT PUTS THE LOTION ON ITS SKIN!


Matt Hardy v.2 comes complete with Jet Pack Ass action.


Some assembly required.


Kane was ready to lead Santa's sleigh...though I doubt that's a nose...

[Gone Mad]

You know you've got ratings if you have Coach and the girls re-anact scenes from the film "The Usual Suspects".


Ref: You're borin' everyone, Edge! Quit borin' everyone!

Edge: Hey. I'm in a heel turn and I'm interesting..You think you know me.. ROWR! .... like a kitty--

Jericho: Can I lose a match in horrible fashion NOW?!


Randy's reaction to the Kane/Lita wedding.


HHH: Warrior doesn't like it when Warrior loses everything!! Apple-pie Goombas eat pork everyday!!! WARRIOR!!! Wrestlemania '91!! E-BAY!!!

Bischoff: Ummm.. I gotta go n-- *runs away very quickly*


Lita: What did I botch to get into this botch of a botchfest?


Lita: I duh.

Kane: Ugh! I could have put my seed in Gail Kim but noOooOoo.. I had to get the Big Red Botch !


Naptime...TO THE EXTREME!!


Kane: Everyone! Party at Mordecai and O'Haire 's cage!

Mordecai: Now THAT'S something I already knew that I didn't have to tell you!

O'Haire: Hey..that's partically my ..line.. FUCK THIS!.. *leaves cage for TNA*

[Nowhere Man]

To commemorate the WWE Diva Search, Vince ordered a special "extra red" carpet for the ring, made out of the skins of the cruiserweight roster.



After installing the telescopic fire ladder into his right shoulder, The Rock laid claim to being the only WWE Superstar to be a wrestler, movie star, and piece of life-saving emergency equipment.



The Japanese Buzzsaw takes an early lead in the "King of the Lean" tournament, knowing full well his ringside bazooka man wasn't going to let Rocky or the Coach lean any further forward.



Tensions flare in the ranks of Evolution as the veteran Nature Boy insinuates that their fearless leader may be, in fact, a homo.



Kane gives his bride-to-be a free dental inspection.



The referee does his best to keep Edge distracted while Giant Cannibal Jericho goes for the brains.



Jericho finishes Edge off by pooping a photon torpedo onto his back.



Hunter: Randy, there's been a big mistake. Apparently, Christian was supposed to get the spot in Evolution, and you were supposed to be about, say, here on the card. So we're all asking you very nicely to turn in your push and apologize to the fanboys.



Randy had apparently been hanging around with Shawn Michaels too long, as he stopped in mid-promo to pray.



Hunter was just about to get his title back for good....



...until Randy promised he would 'earn' it.



NM: Man, is it just me, or does Chris Benoit look different tonight?
LC: That's not Benoit. That's Randy Orton.
NM: *shoves fingers in his ears* Yeah, I think Chris got a new haircut. Looks good on him.
LC: I'm serious. Randy Orton is the World Champion.
NM: LA-LA-LAAAAAA NOT LISTENING! Chris Benoit is still Champion! NOT LISTENING! LA-LA!



Furious that the Kane/Lita angle was getting more airtime than him, Hunter decides to start a romance angle of his own. Unfortunately, Eric wasn't too pleased to take part in it.



Scotty 2 Hotty was pleased with how realistic his Ric Flair disguise looked. It was definitely worth the money he paid Meng for it.



Nobody but nobody gives a more wicked Melvin than William Regal.



Ref: Hey, what's that in your ear?
Regal: Not right now, please.
Ref: Hold on....is that.....a QUARTER? TA-DAAAA!!!!!
Regal: ....God, I hate you.



Regal and Flair re-enact their favorite scenes from Requiem for a Dream



Lita botches abstinence.



Vince was furious when he found out someone had 'rolled' his ring. And not only that, but vandalized his lawn gnomes, too!



Kane and Lita face off in the grueling Steven-Tyler-Impersonation contest.



Y'know, I wasn't too excited when I heard they were remaking Pac-Man with the DooM 3 engine, but now that I've seen the screenshot, I gotta say I'm impressed.



Trish would look a whole lot sexier right now if she hadn't had that microphone grafted onto her arm.



The Sensei of Mattitude saves the day, riding in on Halley's Comet to rescue Lita.



Matt's fall from the upper card was harder than most.



Kane has to administer CPR when Lita botches living.



Kane: There it is, baby. Midcard Hell
Lita: Wow, you actually spent all that time down there?
Kane: Yep. And get used to it, because you're going to be down there for a loooooong time.

[Nowhere Man]

Originally Posted by The Critic Flair: HEEEERE COMES THE GATOR! Regal: Nooooooo!

[Blue Demon]

Orton: My name Eugene...you my favoite wesawer.
HHH: Would you cut that out!!!

[FourFifty]

Well, I’m gonna do some captions. Didn’t read them before I did them, as always… “As Always” should be my trademark line, but then once I get a face pop for it I’ll get fined. God forbid the fans react how they want to reacting… fucking management… I LIKE THE FRENCH TICKLER!!!


In a last ditch attempt to refuel the Raw Diva Search for the fans, The Coach calls all of the remaining participants homos and gets a thunderous response from the audience.


Player 1: Dude, you see the trailer for the new WWE game?
Player 2: Yeah man, pretty sweet graphics!
Player 1: Hey, when is The Rock coming back?
Player 2: I don’t know.


Rock: The hell is Kane thinking attacking you!
Coach: Huh?
Rock: Didn’t he think you were me?
Coach: Oh, that was Maven.
Rock: Huh?


Batista: Hey, is it kinda nippy in here, or is it just me?
HHH: Ric… Did Dave forget his pants again?
Ric: Yeah Trips, he forgot ‘em.


Kane: Do you know the muffin man?
Lita: Yes, I know the pumpkin man.
Kane: No, the Muffin Man.
Lita: Oh, the crunchin’ man.
Kane: NO! The MUFFIN MAN!
Lita: Wow, fairy tales are hard.


The ref tries to console poor Edge as he’s told that he’s the next person Matt Hardy will feud with.


Seconds later Jericho was Dqed for launching a photon-torpedo out of his ass.


HHH: I’ve known Max Mini since he was this tall!


Randy: This feels kinda icky…
HHH: Get used to it. When you’re champion, you’re going to fuck a lot of people in the ass.


Being the McGyver of playing house, Randy uses his belt to serve Triple H and Steven Richards tea and crumpets.


HHH: This is shiny! Who did you hire to clean it?
Randy: Rhyno.
HHH:


If you were gellin and using enzyte, your smile would be just as big.


Triple H: Who the hell did you just say is going to end the show!?!?!?


William Regal will tell you this also; Ric Flair is one boring dancer.


Ric: Hey Regal, shouldn’t someone be on the ground before we do the rocket launcher?
Regal: Alas, the trickster has become the victim of a trick himself! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha!


Ric: No Batista! Don’t bring me to the ropes unless I’m in a submission! Who taught you the art of ring psychology?
Dave: Lita….


Here we see two men, moments away from the staring contest from hell!


You know this story line is going to be bad when Lita gouges out her own eyes.


……………..
Does this pic even NEED a caption!?!?!?!


Vince’s latest failed brainchild… Three way free style rap offs.


“Where’s the crème filling!?!??! Vince promised me 10 gallons of crème filling if I went through this storyline!!!!!”



Lita botches making bride’s maid dresses.
Trish is too stupid to notice.
Everyone is happy!


You know, mid card hell is supposed to be a metaphor…


Another hilarious scene from “The Best Of Invisible Crucifix Bloopers”

Crap, gotta jet! I shall do more later on, hopefully.

[Quick1]

Randy: Shit HHH was right this does have his name on it.

X-pac: Droz get away from chyna!

HHH: You tell LC to put Gail Kim in the game!

Matt: Damn shouldn't of had those burritos.

[Innovator]

Bobby "The Brain" Heenan: Look at Matt! What a coward, he just jumped through those tables!

[Corkscrewed]

The diva wannabes unleashed the swerve of the century a second later when they revealed themselves to be Fembots under the command of Sean O'Haire and started wreaking havoc on RAW.


Only a superstar as big as The Rock could get away with saluting Nazis during a KKK cross burning while on his way to beat his wife.


The Coach received quite a shock when he peered through the looking class and saw himself poor and out of work after being blamed for the Diva Search fiasco.


Hunter and Batista weren't quite sure how to respond when Vince brought out Bob Euker as the replacement member of Evolution.


Kane's Charlie Chan impression was a huge hit with the fans.
"Haw haw haw! Me so horny!"


Edge: "Better taste!"
Ref: "LESS FILLING!!!"


Test was pissed. His only appearance on RAW photos all year and he was getting shat on!


HHH: "Dammit, Benoit! You know there's NO ONE better than me at point at their knees, and YOU KNOW IT!!!"


Here we see Randy during the Diva Search segment.


"I present to you this chocolate belt as proof that I'm not bitter."


"Just kidding! I ate all the chocolate!!!"


Once again, Randy Orton proved himself master of the Find the World Title Hidden in the Crowd Match.


"Whaddya mean you bet on the U.S. over Lithuania????"


Flair was this close to forming the letter 'K' when he keeled over and collapsed.


With his awesome extending powers, new Wrestling Stretch Armstrong was able to deliver the coolest chokeslam in WWE history.


Neither Batista nor the ref could figure out how a game of Twister could have gone this wrong.


Like most quick fixes these days, the WWE version of Stuck on You was a huge flop.


The sad thing here is that this was taken when Lita was getting ready to go to a funeral...


Having practically buried Kane's career, Shane was only too happy to put the finishing touches with tonight's segment.


Lita botches color blindness.


"What do you mean you slept with the Six Fingered Man????"


Of course, no WWE wedding is complete without the customary Ho of Honor.


After this display of burnination, Trogdor knew he had nothing on Matt Hardy.


Back at the Hardy residence, we can see that Lita has also botched bed making.


Lita: "Are you sure this is how you check for cavities?"
Kane: "Trust me, my mouth has a special cavity detector."
Lita: "Okay."


Kane: "Wait, I made that call to Enzyte and have been taking all natural male enhancement... why isn't Lita happy like that woman on TV?"
Lita: "...................oh shit! I'm supposed to smile??"


Blah, I blow.

[Corkscrewed]

Randy: "I had the final bid on his belt."
HHH: "No, I had the final bid!"
Randy: "I did!"
HHH :"I DID!!"
Ref: "Um... that thing's not even blue..."

[Apprentice]

Eric: Wow Trips, you even got the WWE logo tatooed on your nipple. Stephanie must have you whipped!



Matt Hardy didn't know it but Gangrel was about to make his successful return as the best man.

[.44 Magdalene]

Lol...Trogdor. I wish I would have thought of that.

[FourFifty]

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed "Whaddya mean you bet on the U.S. over Lithuania????"

*lol*
My family on my mom's side is from Lithuania

[Cooler Tom Schuler]

The newly install mood ring displays its anger.


The Rock poses in front of a giant letter T, a hint at the soon-to-debut character Double T, or TT for short. The plan is for the character to be lacking in personality or talent, but show enough cleavage to make sure nobody notices.


Coach and The Rock are the first two to the ring. Now they must fight over who gets to play with the new Tajiri action figure first.


Ric: I'm wearing the shirt, Trips is wearing the shirt. Dammit, Dave, why can't you just wear one? Just once!?
Batista: Me show muscles!


Kane: Slap me!


Ref: Whatcha gonna d-
Edge: You're not serious, are you?
Ref: Of course I...well...I...know, I guess not.


In a shocking turn of events, the ref is the one who taps out.


HHH: I finished the match with a detached freakin' quadriceps!
Angle: Hey!


Orton: Wait, where did the F go?


Belty: Man...deja vu...


Words can't describe Randy's emotions here. Oddly enough, neither can his face.


Despite the loss of his eyes, Randy Orton was able to retain his title.


HHH: No, watch! Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree-top.
Eric: I'm serious, Hunter, DON'T HAVE KIDS.


However, his timing is a bit off, and Flair's introduction of the Crane style goes mostly unnoticed.


Ric Flair gives a visual represention of how much older he is than the other wrestlers.


The Eugene character is Vince's way of showing how he view the WWE audience.


Ref: This is the last match of the night!? You must be mistaken, this is the SECOND match of the night...are you serious. Well, my job won't be lasting long.


If you were doing this angle, you'd have to be on drugs, too.


Please...somebody say "3 minutes".


Kane: So, this is where I sleep!
Lita: ...

[Mayo]

Coach: Now that I've got a good look at all of your knockers, Tracie, you are eliminated.


The Rock just couldn't grab on to the tower properly in his new low budget action film with the fake backgrounds.


Coach: Well I'm still dedicated to this company, and would never leave for money and fame! You're a sellout. Die Rocky Die!
Rock: I have the Diva Search hoes waiting in my limo.
Coach: Yeah, Walking Tall was great! I can't wait for Johnny Bravo


Flair: I told Vince to kick that guy out, not Randy!
HHH: Yeah well we all know about the McMahon big man fetish.
Flair: But Steph married you, didn't she?
HHH: I don't mean big in the pants


Kane loved the roleplay before having necrophiliac sex; the worst part was holding up the victim properly to set the mood.


Crowd reactions were poor to the debut of the new Three Tenors stable.


Ref: Chris, who taught you that move? It's terrible!
Y2J: Vince always told me to be more like The Rock


HHH: So I go up to little Leroy and I says, 'Gimme da money now bitch or I'll bus' a cap in yo' ass'.
Batista: Word.


Randy was shocked yet pleased that he and Hunter had finally switched roles.


Randy: A brand new replica belt signed by yours truly!
HHH: *grinding teeth*I hope this belt hits as hard as the real one.

Randy: What was that Hunter? No imitation belt for you!
HHH: Please man, I'll do anything! The withdrawal symptoms are terrible now that I've finally lost the belt. I can't eat, can't sleep, I just pace around the room frantically!
Randy: You need the belt for roleplay with Steph right?
HHH:


Randy: Get used to the abstinence, Trips!


HHH: I need that belt Eric, or else Steph won't put out. Wait a minute, the black hair, masculine features, you look a lot like her...
Eric: Be gentle!


Although Flair was in his 50's, he could still Flashdance with the best of them.


JR: Regal with a modified groin pull from the top rope.
King:


Batista: Ric, I told you not to try that Kama Sutra stuff, you are past your prime man!
Flair: ...Space Mountain... WOOO..........


The Evil WWE Demogoblin used its forked tail to impale Flair while the Ref wasn't looking.


Lita: *to mirror* Congratulations on your wedding day! You look so pretty in that dress! Hey, wait a sec... you look awfully familiar. Mom, is that you? Oh my God, I've been sent 30 years back, like that movie 'Back to the Past'.


JR: Standing next to Kane makes his opponents look like little kids, King.
King: Jesus, you're terribl- PUPPIES!!!


The alternate ending to Total Recall shows what happened to Arnie's face after being deprived of oxygen. He still got to marry the three-tittied bitch on Mars though.


Kane: I said not to use your teeth so much, Lita!
Lita: But how else am I supposed to eat your smoked weiner, Kane?
Kane:


Tammy Lynn Sytch makes her dramatic return after 35 liposuction operations.


Lita: But Matt, its really starting to get hot in here!
Matt: Ever heard of blue balls, bitch? Just finish up quickly!


Matt decided to take a page from his high flying brother's book after seeing his career head to midcard hell.


Lita: Officer, your gun is digging into my hip.
Kane: No you idiot, it's your gun that is digging into my hip- wait, you don't have a gun!


Lita: That's my house burning down! How could this happen?
Kane: Lita, I devised the perfect plan. I burnt down your house so that you can get tons of insurance money to pay for our honeymoon, and the cops won't suspect a thing. Man, I'm a genius!
Lita: My mom was staying over for the week
Kane:

[FourFifty]

Coach: Well, it seems that this contest has been going on for too long according to our poll results at WWE.com… The majority of the fans believe that this has been going on for three minutes too long… Wait a second… Did I just hear myself say “Three Minutes”?
Girls: Like, yeah… what does three minutes have to do with wrestling?


And now he’s holding down Steven Richards…


HHH: Why are you trying to kiss me?
Randy: It’s not half as bad as what you made me do to get this title.


Proof that midgets can save any angle!


Kane was happy when he got the permit to burn his excess baggage, while Lita botched running away from the fire.


“Sha na na na! Sha na na na! Hey-ey-ey, Good-bye!”
And thus any hope of anyone but Kane being entertaining in this storyline left the building.


The Rock all but announced that he sold out when he said “Finally, The Rock, HAS COME BACK, to Anaheim, with his new Right Guard Deodorant!”

[BlackDawn2024]

Triple H: So I say to Randy, "give me the damn belt, or Steph won't give me any." He says, "No.". So I say, "I'm not pointing at my knees for nothing here, biznatch!!".

Batista: Yeah!

Triple H: And so I finally say...


Triple H: Give me the belt or I'll tell Vince what you're doing!

Randy: Please, Triple H! Please don't stomp all over my push!!!


This has been Super Happy Fun Story Time with Triple H and Eric Bischoff.



William Regal litterally died laughing at Ric Flair's dancing technique.



It truly was a sight to see when Eugene used his magical Powers Of Love And Peace to form William Regal and Ric Flair together into one man--Ric RegalFlair! The referee, however, was disgusted and had to turn away.


Hey, I tried, and if they don't show up, no skin off my sack.

[Cool King]

BOOOORIIIIIIIING!!!

It's Mini Test and Mini Victoria!

[Nark Order]

The contreversial 'WWE Diva Holocaust' gimmick was officially underway. The women were told to strip as Coach started to adjust the automatic oven timer.

[PorkSoda]

Preacher: RD Reynolds....this ones for you!