The Best Captions of 2004 Thread

[Corkscrewed]

Every week, I'll update this thread with what I think are the best captions of the week. I was originally gonna do a Top 5 List in my sig, but apparently, sigs can only have up to 5 characters, so I guess I'll just turn this into an actual thread.

I'm not going to put any of my own captions (to be fair, since I wouldn't be able to judge them partially) unless someone suggests I do (hint hint).

At the end of the year, hopefully I can set up a poll or something and we can choose the best caption of the year and the best captioneer or something.

Top Captions of 2004

JANUARY

SmackDOWN! [1-1-2004]
Loopydate:

Big Show does wrestling fans the world over a favor by eating Hardcore Holly.


Eddie didn't mind holding Shelton's hand and helping him across the ring, but did he HAVE to sing Whitney Houston songs while they did it?

Vastardikai:

Chavo: What do you MEAN that you hit me with a burrito?

jbone829:

Poking a Wolverine, another side effect of hunger......have a Snickers.


RAW [1-5-2004]
Loopydate:

REF: Jesus, Jazz, "Jazz Hands" are a dance phrase. She wasn't insulting you. There's no need to give her a black eye!
JAZZ: Black eye? BLACK eye?!? What are you trying to say?
REF: Oh, shit...


Backstage, Triple H chuckled. That invisible crucifix was certainly worth the investment.

Good Ol JG:

The first annual "Dudley Bowling" game was a huge success.


Jericho finally knew why Trish had to spend all that time in makeup, but he sure as hell didn't like it.

Kane Knight:

This was, perhaps, the dumbest slow-speed police chase in the history of Tennesee...

Loose Cannon:

Jazz, "Do you see him"
Trish, "Oh my god, you were right. He's in a cage.
Jazz, "Yep, that's what happens when your gimmick becomes more popular then Vince wants it too."
Trish, Poor Sean...


Jericho, "Oh my god Hunter"
Hunter, "Chris...OH UM...I...
Satan's Voice "Come on Hunter...It's Time to drink from the Fountain of Eternity.

Coldwaver:

Victoria: Shoot this man in the ass!
Stevie: Someone already did that caption.
Victoria: Then shoot him in the crotch!
Stevie: NOOOOOOOOO!!!


A second later the arena imploded when they inhaled at the exact same time.


SmackDOWN! [1-8-2004]
Loopydate:

KURT: Swing me! Swing me!
EDDIE: Chavito, are you sure Dr. Jho said there wouldn't be any after-effects of the surgery?
KURT: Come on, mommy! Swing me!


NUNZIO: Chucky, look! I'm being elevated! I'm being--oh, shit.


Danny taunted Scotty. While Doug convinced Scotty to spell out "antidisestablishmentarianism" instead of his usual "worm," Danny clocked him with the belt! Those wacky Bashams!


After botching a move, Chavo had to go to the "Time Out Chair."


CHEAGOL: Give it to us, Eddieagol my love.
EDDIEAGOL: No. I found it.
CHEAGOL: Give us the precious.
EDDIEAGOL: Why?
CHEAGOL: It's my birthday, and I wants it.

Corkscrewed:

Chavo: "Damnit! Mae Young left her panties in the lowrider again."


Evidently, Cena the Trash Man didn't do a good job in the ring and missed about four objects.


Holly: "Stupid. Chair. Dammit... Easy-Fold my ass!"

Good Ol JG:

Living proof that a one-legged man CAN win an ass kicking contest...as long as the man's name is Christ Benoit...and his opponent is Johnny Stamboli.


Benoit reacts to the trailor for the upcoming "Shave This! A-Train's Greatest Matches" DVD showing on the Titan Tron.


Patrick: "Hey look at me, I'm Tugboat! TOOT TOOT!"


Vince: "Since the Japanese love the American Hulk Hogan so much, the Americans would HAVE to love a Japanese Hogan just as much. Am I right? You KNOW I'm right, damnit! Ok...tell that Benoit guy he's still not getting pushed and have Rhyno job to a jar of mayonaise this week. Meeting adjourned."

Always450:

Brock: (after the Billy Gunn clip of the Smoking Gunns beating The 1-2-3 Kid and Bob “Sparkplug” Holly) Hardcore Holly was THAT small?
Holly: Shut up, Lesnar!
Brock: But you were tiny!!!!
Holly: And you were a nerd, and I have proof!
Brock: No! Holly! Buddy, Pal! I was kidding!
Holly: Show the footage!

Brock: *crying* It’s true! I even read War and Peace, for fun! I coded HTML in Latin!


RAW [1-12-2004]
Corkscrewed:

Bubba was just as puzzled as anyone to see that he'd suddenly turned into a centaur.


In an effort to reclaim his career, Kane laid the sacrificial Booker T upon the Altar of Helmsley but was disappointed to learn that Trips had "been there" and "done that."


By the time Austin finally worked up the nerve to ask for directions on how to get to Texas, he'd already driven to Canada.

Loopydate:

We all knew Trips THOUGHT with his dick. Who knew he SPOKE with it, too?


When hunting Mark Henrys, it's important to bring the proper equipment. Once you've distracted him with the glazed ham you left at ringside, you must capitalize quickly.


Orton learned a painful lesson that night. Never break up with Carrie on national television.

Kane Knight:

The ref wanted to DQ Batista, but thanks to the femminist lobby, breast feeding was now a legal move in the WWE.

jbone829:

"You are getting sleepy...very very sleepy...I have paid my dues...very sleepy"

Always450:

A sure sign that ticket sales have gone down--wrestlers who are in the match have to sit in the front row.

Loose Cannon:

Lita shows off the effects of what drinking 10 YJ Stingers consecuitively can do to one's arm.

Vastardikai:

Lil Kim was a little TOO enthused about meeting Lita...

The Naitch:

Much to Randy's disapproval, a bird with PMS decided to unload on him.

Fryza:

Bill: Oh oh, oh ah!
Steiner: OH OH! AH AH!
Bill: OH OH OH OH, AH OH AH AH!

Yes, howler monkeys are VERY territorial. But the less intelligent ones will begin fighting for reasons that probably escape them too.


SmackDOWN! [1-15-2004]
Loopydate:

Jamie and Nidia were nervous. They knew the Empire of the Sun had never forgiven the States for Hiroshima and Nagasaki, but now that the gay Nazi referee was on their side, wrestling's version of WWII was going to get ugly...


Eddie learns that he, too, can cause the Butterfly Effect.


TAZZ: Look, Cole! Chavo's standing, and I think he's going to deliver a shot on Eddie!
COLE: That's not Edward James Olmos...


Mexican Standoff: Two or more people with guns at the ready, prepared to fire upon each other (as seen in films like Reservoir Dogs)
Italian Standoff: Two or more people with fingers at the ready, prepared to call each other homos (as seen in tonight's SmackDown)


Chuck was taken aback. Who knew that Nunzio could morph into Kurrgan?


It was bad enough that Rhyno's role in the company is shrinking down to nothing. Do they have to actually SHRINK Rhyno down while they're doing it?

Corkscrewed:

Fearing Eddie was getting too over, Vince McMahon had Scotty beam him up with the teleport ray. Unfortunately, he missed.


The emotion of the segment totally broke down when all of the sudden, instead of continuing to pummel Eddie, Chavo Jr. started going crazy on his air guitar.


John checked his rocket shoes one last time. He was breaking through that glass ceiling dammit!
...or crash trying.


Heyman always picked the worst times to check for hernias.


Cena: "Ooh, I found berries." *scarfs down berries*
Rhyno: "No, wait! They might be poisonous! ...... Well, how are they?"
Cena: "They taste like.... burrrrrrning..."


Cena: "Paul, what would YOU do for a Klondike Bar?"

Loose Cannon:

Alright John, the 'I got your nose' gag stopped being funny after the 11th time.


Heyman, "NO More"
Cena, "I've got.... cough cough.... your nose


Big Show tried to entertain the crowd with the 'Robot Dance,' but Funaki would have none of it.


After all hopes of building a fort in the ring failed, the three men tried there luck with a game of pinata.

Nowhere Man:

Scotty's attempt at a Vader Bomb ends with tragic results.


No one was sure what the point of "John Cena Gargoyles" was, but damn if they didn't look realistic.


Unlike most people, who have a small angel and devil on their shoulders, Cena always got attacked by miniature versions of former ECW champions every time he had to make a moral decision.


The F-U was a powerful maneuver by itself, but for some reason, doing a Fire Marshall Bill impression while delivering it was absolutely devastating.

Always450:

Being a good, clean, honorable man, Charlie Hass takes it upon himself to start the SmackDown “Say No To Crack” campaign.


Paul knew he was in trouble… If John Cena can destroy the table with his backhand, lord knows what he could do to the human body!


The first round of full contact rock-paper-scissors came to a draw as they both drew “rock.”


I’ve seen some people use God, Money, and Bombs in rock-paper-scissors, but did he really need to use “ass?”

El Santo:

Scotty: "So.... Power Twins routine?"
Rikishi: "Been done."
Scotty: "Dammit."
Rikishi: "Well, you could play the gentlemanly Mr. D'Arcy and I could play the precocious Elizabeth..."
Scotty: "Oh, God no."

Good Ol JG:

Funaki: "Piggy-back ride, piggy-back ride!"
Big Show: "Piggy-back ride? Piggy-back? Back? Baby Back Ribs? Mmmmmm....ribs...."


Big Show: "I WANT MY DAMN BABY BACK RIBS!"
Funaki: "I DON'T HAVE THEM SHOW, I SWEAR!"
Big Show's madness over his ribs grew to the point where the crowd sat in horror as he poured BBQ Sauce on Funaki and ate him...

jbone829:

The first ever Chinese fingertrap match didn't go over too well.


No matter how much props everyone gave Scotty, he couldn't carry Rikishi to a good match.

[Corkscrewed]

RAW [1-19-2004]
Loopydate:

Jericho didn't know what to think. Maybe he SHOULD shake hands with Rene as sort of a goodwill gesture, but...did Rene HAVE to masturbate while they did it?


Jazz revealed what wrestling fans had long suspected: Lita had (literally) no ass.


D-VON: Hey, Ric! Do one of those ballet jumps. I'll catch you.
RIC: Okay...
BUBBA: Heheheh...
DAVE: No! It's a trap!

Corkscrewed:

Even Austin was getting impatient as the FF X-2 commercial marathon entered its seventh hour.


Hurricane got really confused when his Ortonbot started flailing around and acting like a monkey.

Fryza:

Wow, Hunter's invisble crucfix now targets anybody for no reason...


Long: I am, getting so hot, I will...
*RAW suddenly cuts to commercial*


Rico with a punch to the front teeth, and...wait..wait, no, Henry blocks with his bottom teeth and begins to eat Rico. Okay, I guess that is a first..


Xtian: And this was when we stole that lawn gnome from Kane's yard...


It's sad when Long has to hold a pose of horror and Orton has to help Mark with his first attempt at a flying cross body block on Long..

Loose Cannon:

Kudos to Spike at doing an Ultimate Warrior impression while being choked by Kane.


Teddy Long coudln't bear to watch Mark Henry preform a 619.

El Santo:

Ref: "Oh, man, that blow knocked me out. I was unconscious for, like, three minutes there. That's never happened before. Heh. Now back to the matc- ... OH MY GOD!!!!"


Christian: "It's soooo cool! It lets you take pictures and send email and surf the ... What the hell!?!??! Final Fantasy X-2?!?!?!"


The ladies were blissfully unaware that they were being ogled by that quintissential pervert, Slimy the Worm.

Always450:

And the heavens opened up to enlighten Scott Steiner…
Steiner: It’s a suplex!!!!

Paul Carrington:

"And this was when you were in the shower..."

ColdwaVer:

WWE has REALLY sunk to a new low: to save money on transportation, heavyweights will now start to give rides to smaller superstars.


Trish: Why do you have a picture of HHH's penis on your phone?
Christian: Well he showed up halfway through the night to hold down our partying skills. (long pause) HEY! How do you recognize HHH's penis???

Vastardkai:

Rico: Yaaaay! I'm riding a Horse!
Mark: I'm called a HOSS! Get it right!


SmackDOWN! [1-22-2004]
Always450:

And now Dawn knows that forward is the only way her heart will go.

Fryza:

Jamie: Eat MY title, will ye?
Rey: But, it's my titl...
Jamie: *smack*

Kayfabeman:

The Power Rangers knew they were ****ed when Rita enlarged Brock
AND Heyman at the same time....

Loopydate:

Does anybody else think that if you drove a Mario Kart down Shannon's body, you'd get a big speed boost when you hit the legs?

Vastardikai:

havo Sr. moves in to inform Kurt that the Breast Stroke is best used in the water and in bed.

Vega:

Heyman does his best impression of Dark_Kane begging the mods to unban him.


Royal Rumble
Corkscrewed:

Luckily for the censors, the table was blocking the graphic part of what Dave "The Violator" Batista was doing to D-Von.


Brock Lesnar helpfully picks up a piece of trash discarded on the floor.


Things got a little bizarre when Triple H's Hold-Down Aura suddenly backfired and started working in reverse...

El Santo:

As soon as the two passed out, Hebner realized that he should have used Right Guard deodorant.


Mick hated being on the run, but the Letter "M" was a vicious stalker.


Realizing that there's absolutely no way he'd be winning the Royal Rumble, Nunzio uses the time productively by puttering around the ring in his invisible motor scooter.

Nowhere Man:

The Dudleyz momentarily broke kayfabe to check on Flair. I mean, they knew that tables sometimes worked a little too stiff, but that was just uncalled for.


HHH's ring work had gotten so bad, he was even putting himself to sleep.


Benoit: See? That's why I said trying a tope suicide was a bad idea.


Ref: Congratulations, Benoit! I can't wait to see you come over to Raw. I think you'll do a great JOB.
Benoit: What?
Ref: Nothing, I was just saying that you'll make a great ENHANCEMENT to Raw's TALENT pool.
Benoit: Why do you keep talking like that?
Ref: Oh, no reason. I just think YOU'RE GOING TO BE very happy on Raw, and that all your suspicions will be BURIED . Now, GET OUT and celebrate your victory, WHILE YOU STILL CAN appreciate the moment.

Loopydate:

The Joe Boxer guy reacts to the worst wedgie of his life.


COLE: Wait a minute!
TAZZ: Steven Richards with the DDT out of nowhere!


HBK: Heheh. Remember when you got thrown in the hog pen?
HHH: Remember when you posed for Playgirl?
*Awkward silence*


HHH: Dude, that must have been some pimple.


REF: Chris, where are your pants?
BENOIT: Oh, God. IT'S JUST LIKE MY DREAM!

Fryza:

This is the worst attempt at drunken boxing I may or may not have ever seen.


RAW [1-26-2004]
Loopydate:
http://www.wweraw.com/results/012604/images/01.jpg[/IMG]
RIC: Okay, okay, I'll admit it. You CAN kick my ass so hard the WWE logo falls off my tights.


HBK: Ever since I got this flesh-eating virus...well...I've lost my smile.


Rico does his "Vince McMahon watching a hoss match" impression.


REF: I think he said "I want to eat your face."
GOLDBERG: Wuh?
REF: Um..."Uh wuh ee yuh fay!"
GOLDBERG: Buhstuh!

Corkscrewed:

A wise veteran, Mick had learned to use a steel chair to shield his eyes from HHH's blinding ego.

Fryza:

Austin: TONIGHT...It'll be HBK versus HHH...for the Undisputed HunterTitle....in this ring....in the FIRST EVER...FINAL FANTASY TEN-TWO IN A CAGE MATCH!
Crowd & JR: WHAT?!
Austin: *stunner*


Bill: YOU'RE NEXT!
Mark: No, YOU'RE A HOMO!
Bill: ...What?
Ref: *stunner*
Both: *no sell*
JR: BAWH GAWD WHAT AN INTENSE UNPRETTIER! FFX2 BBQ SAUCE STUNNER!

Loose Cannon:

Jericho, "......and walla, your push is gone."
Trish, "Wow, how do you do that."
Jericho, "Magic."
Trish, "Can I try."
Jericho, "Well you have to ask HHH, he taught me that trick."

jbone829:

The crowd was growing restless: Kane had been on his knees for several minutes thinking of the next spot.

El Santo:

The Walls of Jericho were going well until Batista started singing "Sit on my face and tell me that you love me..."


Molly: "So you've been on the Internet, have you?!?! Brock says he'll see you in hell!"


Chris: "...and on 'Smackdown!', we didn't have announcers that screamed 'puppies!' every five minutes!"
HBK: "Impossible!"
Chris: "And cruiserweights had their own titles!"
Hunter: "I grow weary of your lies!"

Always450:

At least Randy thought that the ref’s new laser vision was cool, but with a laser like that, Randy just KNEW that ref was overcompensating.


Austin: Triple H, I need the cash you owe me, now.
HHH: But Steve! I don’t have the money now. You know I’m good for it.
Austin: I said now.
HHH: But I don’t have it now!
Austin: Why the hell not?
HHH: Because I don’t sell anything.
HBK: It's true.
Austin: Don’t change the subject.

Sascha:

HHH: You mean I HAVEN'T buried you yet?


SmackDOWN! [1-29-2004]
Always450:

How could Kurt ever decide? One night with Dawn Marie or the mystery gold box?


Yes, Brock did say he wouldn’t kill anyone… but “accidents” do happen…


Knowing that Triple H likes his steaks on the rare side, Kurt makes an offer to the Alter Of Helmsly that is still squirming.

Fryza:

Though it seems out of place, Rey HAD to do his ceremonial "spin yourself 'til you're dizzy."


Jamie: Please, this stuff isn't so sti...okay, how do I unglue my hands?

jbone829:

We are the bears, the shufflin crew.....


Rikishi: NO SHELTON DONT!!!
Shelton: MY PRECIOUS!!!!

Loopydate:

VINCE: I'm Vince McMahon, dammit! And when I say pull my finger, you say "how high?"
PAUL: That doesn't make any se--
VINCE: Silence, peon!


KURT: I don't know. Remember the last time people opened the Ark, and everybody's faces melted and stuff? Better leave it be.


Eddie Guerrero introduced Rey Mysterio to legendary luchador El Cabeza de Poop.


REF: Jamie, what are you doing down there?
JAMIE: We're just playing.
REF: What game?
JAMIE: "Let's Break Rey In Half."


Brock's new rule that he would only defend against people who could perform the Alabamaslam presented Eddie with a unique challenge.


KURT: So, wait. You're saying the shin bone's connected to the KNEE bone?


KURT: And the foot bone's connected to the ankle bone?
EDDIE: There is no ankle bone.


KURT: And the crotchbo--
EDDIE: Okay, that's it, ese. I'm throwin' you out.

Corkscrewed:

Billy just knew the "I'm an ass man" lyrics would come back to haunt him someday.


"This one's for you, Sean my friend! This one's for you!"

El Santo:

If you think you have a hard time when you wake up in the morning, remember the story of poor Orlando Jones Jordan...


Eddie: "Thanks for the win, God! If there's anything you need..."
God: "Do you remember that Brady Bunch episode where Greg makes Peter his slave? It's on tonight. Tape it."

Loose Cannon:

Kurt, "Wow, what's this golden box"
Heyman, "Well that's where Vince keeps his buried gimmicks. Go ahead Dawn, open her up."
Voice from Box, "I'm not telling you anything you don't already know."

[Corkscrewed]

FEBRUARY

RAW [2-2-2004]
Loopydate:

Stacy made a brutal heel turn when she removed Jackie's neck.


EARL: Okay, if I'm a teapot, what are you?
TRISH: A toaster?


AUSTIN: Brother Bill, have you heard the Good Word?
BILL: Guwuh?
AUSTIN: Um...just take my card.

jbone829:

Orton: Oh my god Mic is shot, who did this to you?
Foley: .........
Orton: Mic tell me who killed you!!
Foley: .........
Orton: TALK TO ME!


Matt: Admit it! It was intentional!
Booker: For the last time I'm not Janet Jackson!

Fryza:

Orton: Holy shit Mick, you okay? I mean, Richards came out of no where!


A closer inspection revealed a startling truth to Chris.
Jericho: So you're the asshole who stole my goatee?!


The WWE Ring Clean Up Crew was good at taking out those who didn't do what Hunter said.

Corkscrewed:

Orton: "Mick! What the heck are you doing??? We have an angle to do!!!"
Mick: "Shhhhhhhh!!! I can hear the ocean! Soooo relaxing..."


Rene was a little grossed out when Stacy asked him to help remove her tampon string.


Jericho: *sniff sniff* Club sandwich with cheddar and Canadian bacon!"
Christian: *gasp* "HOW'D YOU KNOW???"


Here, Kane proves that you can indeed have your Bill and eat it too.


Spike: "How ya doing... fatty? FATTY! FATTY! FATTY! FATTY! FATTY! FATTY! FATTY! FATTY! FATTY!!! FAT FAT FAT FATTY! FAT FATTY! FAT FATTY! FAT FATTY!!!!!"


As usual, Triple H no-sells even a bullet shot to the head.


Austin: "Take these elementary learning cards. They will teach you the system we call the alphabet, or what you call 'those squigglies that turns thems lines into words.'"


Lets take a moment and read each person's mind.
Benoit: "Excellent. With Michaels' friendship, there's no way Triple H can bury me!"
Michaels: "Oh look! Another Canadian I can screw over with his own submission move!"

Sascha:

Orton's new motivational speaker gimmick was off to a bad start
"c'mon...it worked for Paige!"


HHH: you kinda look like a baby...get in my belly!

Kane Knight:

The WWE, in attempts to raise global awareness, brought a starving third world child to the ring...
Only to enrage human rights activists by forcing her into an HLA angle for a sandwhich...


Jericho (Reading): Triple H was here...What the....?


You are getting sleepy...Sleepy...I am a credible champion...

The Rock Bottom:

This is why you obey the sign, "Don't feed the gorillas."


Hoss - It's what's for dinner.


Triple H: SEE?! IT REALLY *DOES* COME OFF!


Orton: "What? I don't see it."
Michaels: "It's there, just keep looking." (frantically taping a "Bury Me" sign to Orton's back)

Mr. Monday Morning:

Goldberg took an early lead in the finals of the 'Pull my finger' tournament.


"So then Jesus rides into Nazareth on a donkey, and this woman shouts 'Nice ass!', and...what?"

Vastardikai:

The fans are horrified as Randy's "Legend Killer" gimmick finally goes TOO FAR!


Trish dresses up as some Cotton Candy, hoping Sean O'Haire will notice her.

Blazer-:

Shane warned Vince that his idea for Shannon Moore's "I feel like a woman" gimmick wouldn't go over well.


SmackDOWN! [2-5-2004]
Nowhere Man:

Due to the more flexible rules imposed by WWE, wrestlers would no longer be disqualified for calling referees homos. The Bashams were the first to exploit this to the fullest.


Ref: Come on, man, you can do it! It's only a simple splash!
Basham: No, I can't! I can't do the jump. I'm not letting go of these ropes!
Ref: It's not that bad, man. There's nothing to be scared of.
Basham: Scared? I'm not scared! It's that ****er Rhyno again!


Cena: ACK! Who the hell are you?
Dawn Marie: I'm your conscience! I'm here to help you with your next moral dilemma.
Cena: Really, that's great! I usually get attacked by tiny versions of ECW....oh, damn. You were in ECW, too, right?
Dawn Marie: Well.....*smack*


Show: So which one of us is supposed to carry the other to a watchable match?
Gunn:......ummmm......
Show:........We're ****ed, aren't we?
Gunn: Yup.


Hey, since when was Cheech ever a referee?


Nidia shows off her coat she made after giving A-Train his bikini wax.


As Rey and the Chavos struggled to get free, the ring crew made a mental note to never let Rhyno help out with setting up the ropes.


I don't mind the cameramen always sneaking in cleavage shots of Trish all the time. It's the blatant Kurt Angle crotch shots that have got to stop.

The Rock Bottom:

Rikishi was a hero and Scotty was saved from the tractor beam. Scotty showed his appreciation by offering himself as a snack.


Holly: Squeal like a pig boy! PAY YOUR DUES
Angle: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Holly: THIS IS WHY THEY CALL ME SPARKY ****ING PLUG!

Loopydate:

The ref darted off-screen to check his rulebook. Seconds later, he returned to inform Scotty that using his new web-shooter to fire a blue nylon cord to Rikishi didn't count as a legal tag.


KIDMAN: Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
NOBLE: For the last time, you ain't Green Lantern! Stop makin' that noise!
KIDMAN: Reeeeeeeern...

Mr. Monday Morning:

Welcome to the 1st annual World Leaning Championships

Kane Knight:

Thanks to Affirmative Action, the WWE was forced to create the WWE "illegal immigrant" title.

Loose Cannon:

Brock does an impression of Goldberg watching Jeopardy

Always450:

All Nidia could do is gasp in shock. She COULD see Cena!!!

Good Ol JG:

Rikishi's happiness can only be compared to that of a kid in a candy store...a really fat kid...with a huge ass and no talent...


Brock: "You mean there is no easter bunny? Nuh uh! He visited me last night! He gave me cream filled eggs and I sat on his lap and he whispered sweet nothings in my ear!"
Eddie: "Uh...holmes...you sure that was the easter bunny? Or was it this guy?"
*The titan tron then shows a picture of Vince wearing nothing but a fluffy pink thong and little bunny ears*
Brock:


RAW [2-9-2004]
Evolution:

Not even Vinnie Mack can get Goldberg to understand that he is allowed to use more than three moves.


Triple H: "Welcome to the booking committee meeting. Lets get it started shall we? Ok, if you insist, I WILL hold the title for 3 more years. Meeting adjourned."

Fryza:

Trish wondered if her breasts were holding her down.


Chris practices for WMXX.



Shawn was amazed as the contract read the follow:
I WILL JOB TO HUNTER I WILL JOB TO HUNTER I WILL JOB TO HUNTER ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US I WILL JOB TO HUNTER.


Where will you be when you're diarrhea acts up as you're being nailed to the invisble crucifix and your hemroids flare?


Mick was a little upset when his right hand formed a Halo over it. This would make masterbation alot creepier.


Randy: HOLY SHIT! Mick! I mean, this the second time! We got here just to see Steven Richards leave!


Orton: Okay....I've seen Goldberg do this a hundred times...I just run into him, and pray for the best...

Nowhere Man:

Earl: Okay, Earl, you can do it this time. Don't call for the bell, don't call for the bell, don't--
*calls for the bell*
Dammit!


Once again, Benoit proves he has the most violent "Guess Who?" in all of wrestling.


It became painfully obvious that Kane wasn't even trying anymore when he'd call for the beer guy in the middle of a match.


Randy: Wow, Mick must've REALLY wanted those cheese curls!

jbone829:

Vince: .....Benoits gonna beat HHH.........clean....middle of the ring..
Goldberg: ...Things that will never happen!
Ref: correct!


Randy: No Micks been shot again! Who did this to you Mick?!
Mick: .......
Batista: Mick answer him!

Mr. Monday Morning:

"Ok lemme see here - put self over, check. Depush Benoit, check. Have subtly homoerotic verbal exchange with Hunter, check."


"Hey Rikishi, you really lost weig...oh my God, Ric I'm so sorry."

Loose Cannon:

Cade, "Hey have you two seen where our careers went?
Jindrack, "Yeah we've been looking everywhere


In order to keep better track of things, HHH had the entire Raw lockeroom come out and write down how many times they've been buried by him.


HHH asks Shawn to check the list and make sure RVD and Booker didn't leave out a few zeros


HHH, Stop cheating Chris, I know I've buried you at least four....soon five times."
Chris, "You've never burie..........Wait, what"


The WWE told it's wrestlers that whenever Sean starts screaming for help, do your best to ignore him.

The Rock Bottom:

Grabbing a wolverine's crotch, another sign of hunger.

El Santo:

Triple H: "Jesus, Eric. Is it just me, or do tax forms get damn complicated after you get married?"


Batista admitted that he was impressed: he had no idea Foley could be used as a surfboard.

[Corkscrewed]

(RAW 2-9-2004 continued)

Loopydate:

MOLLY: Why, yes, Trish, it IS sort of cold in...AH!!!! MY EYE!


JACKIE: So then, she was all--
STACY: Yeah, totally. She was like--
JACKIE: No way!
STACY: Way! Can't you, like, totally hear her going that?
JACKIE: That slut!
STACY: I know!
CADE: Do you guys wanna go get a drink or something?
JACKIE/STACY: AS IF!
*Their conversation resumes*
MARK: Oooh... Shot down again!
CADE: Shut up or I'll have Vince "re-unite" you with Sean.
MARK (meekly): I'll be good.
JACKIE: Whatever.
STACY: Totally.


CHRIS: What part of this do you not understand? I won the Royal Rumble. I get the title shot!
SHAWN: Nope.
JR: Can't argue with logic like that.


CHRIS: Well, of all the fabrics you might make the WMXX canvas out of, this one IS the most comfortable.
HHH: So you don't mind jobbing on this?
CHRIS: No, not at--what?


HBK (reading): "In conclusion, Mister McMahon, if you don't get the belt off of Triple H and put it on Chris Benoit, give Sean O'Haire a United States Title run, give the Cruiserweights more than eight minutes on SmackDown, and elevate anyone and everyone who is capable of working a match, we will be forced to start killing the hostages." *Scoff* Yeah, whatever.

*Rips up the petition*


MICK: Man, it's sure good to be dead right here...at the Pearly Gates!
GOD: *Cheap pop*

Always450:

Triple H was pleased indeed. He just got WMXX spoilers!

Good Ol JG:

A hush fell over Benoit as he noticed Shawn was growing his "I'm about to screw a Canadian out of a title" beard.

Corkscrewed:

Ref: "It's time for round 2 of the Tongue Twister Tournament!"
Vince: "The rain in Spain falls greatly on the plains."
Goldberg: "...shit."


Heyman: "Peter Piper picked a peck of peppered pickles for PAUL HEYMAN!!!"
Goldberg: "Stuh bickin on meh!!!"


HHH: "Hunter Hearst Helmsley hereby has handsome hold of the happy, huge honor of having his haul his forever."
Announcer: "The winner of the Tongue Twister Tournament and STILL Champion..."


As per the new agreements in his contract, Triple H now officially owned everyone's souls.

Spoon Bender:


Mick: Just thought I'd let you know, that it's time for me to call it a day. That's right. I'm retiring....see you next PPV!



Unable to cope with 5 mins of non violence Mick drives through a pile of random furniture, mid promo.



RVD's match had finished about an hour ago, but with Rhyno and his crazy glue back on the loose, he wasn't going anywhere.

Vastardikai:

Goldberg feels wierd: He doesn't mind being verbally berated by McMahon, but does Vince HAVE to have his penis hanging out while he does it?


Shawn: On this page, it states that... I could have saved a whole lot of money if I had switched to Geico. I've lost my smile...Again.


Hunter (offscreen): Keep Firing, ASSHOLES!


SmackDOWN! [2-12-2004]
Vega:

As a last restort, Eddie was forced to use his penis as an illegal weapon.


Try as he might, Big Show couldn't grasp the concept of the Atkin's Diet.

Fryza:

Chavo was horrified as Steven Richards began ignoring brands.


The "I'm With Stupid" hand is seen making its WWE debute, pointing out the idiot it's with.


Brock: I'm only going to ask you two questions. Who shot Mick twice, why were you logged on to TPWW.net, and why aren't they airing new episodes of Teletubbies?
Eddie: ...

The Rock Bottom:

After discovering that it was Chavo Sr. who shit on his head...


He took an even bigger shit on Chavo Sr.'s head, much to the dismay of Chavo Jr.


Hardcore: "Usually your pranks are great Rhyno, but gluing me to the meaning of 'jobber' is unacceptable."

Nowhere Man:

Radioshack's new remote control referees were cool enough, but that antenna was just so distracting.


Scotty's reverse victory roll ends in tragedy.


Rhyno: Jeez, man, what the hell is wrong with you?
Ref: I said pull my finger, or you're disqualified!
Rhyno: Dude, what th--
Ref: PULL IT! PULL IT, DAMN YOU!!!!!


Bored with Bradshaw's match, the ref zones out and starts playing the Snake game on his cell phone.


As if the submission hold wasn't painful enough, Shelton tortured Bradshaw with tales from his stay on Velocity.
Shelton:....and then, they made us job to Orlando Jordan!
Bradshaw: No, it's not true! STOP!!!
Shelton: And all that after they decided our matches with the Guerreros didn't get as much heat as Rikishi's ass!


Just like Megaman, Nidia had an interchangable arm that she could switch with all sorts of cool weapons. However, the Shit-Covered Log was nowhere near as cool as the old Buster Cannon.


Show does his world-famous impression of the entire Jackson family, complete with Michael's crotch grabbing, Janet's nipple slipping, and Tito's wondering-where-the-hell-his-career-went.


The sign in the background sort of gave away Luke Skywalker's surprise debut.

Loose Cannon:

Chavo can't believe the effect a backstage Hardcore Holly Promo has on some people.


Due to a tight budget the WWE had to drop their Theme Music department, but instead you get live Mexican style renditions of you're favorite superstar's themes every week on Smackdown.


Big Show does his impression of Goldberg at the ATM Machine.

Always 450:

For some reason Brock didn’t understand that John Cena’s gimmick only worked with freestyle rapping…


And on the Titan Tron every single caption from the TPWW.net message board was shown.
Show: I don’t get it…
Brock: Uhh… yeah… that’s funny… no, I don’t get it either…
Show: Hey, is that you with glasses?
Brock: Internet? KILL!!!!!


Now it wasn’t the chair that Cena feared, it was Kurt impaling Cena on his knife shaped arm.

El Santo:

Satan: "I've come to collect the soul that was sold for the shot at the WWE Undisputed Title."
Chavo Sr.: "You've got the wrong Guerrero! I'm Chavo, not Eddie!"
Satan: "Nice try. I've seen Chavo, and he's younger and skinnier, mortal."



Rhyno: "Yes, I am the guy who glued the vase to your head. What are you going to do about it?"


And yet, Vince still can't see that the Big Show is a Big Ape.


When they say it's "raining cats and dogs", that means it's raining hard outside. When they say it's "raining midcarders"... well, duck.

jbone:

Brock: Belty don't listen to him, you're not going anywhere!
Eddie: But people on the net say I'm gonna win on Sunday
Brock: ........them.....


Eddie: Hey Brock is that a computer over there?
Brock: WHERE?!?!
*thumb poke to the eye*
Brock: owie owie ow ow ow

Corkscrewed:

Suffice to say, Brock did not enjoy Eddie's Tinky Winky impression.

Loopydate:

Slower and much more beautiful, the Minnesotan Hat Dance put Eddie Guerrero to shame.


ANGLE: Alabamaalaskaarizonaarkansascaliforniacoloradoconn ecticutdelawarefloridageorgiahawaiiidahoillinoisin dianaiowakansaskentuckylouisianamainemarylandmassa chusettsmichiganminnesotamississippimissourimontan anebraskanevadanewhampshirenewjerseynewmexiconewyo rknorthcarolinanorthdakotaohiooklahomaoregonpennsy lvaniarhodeislandsouthcarolinasouthdakotatennessee texasutahvermontvirginiawashingtonwestvirginiawisc onsinwyoming, bitch!
CENA: Whoa...


No Way Out
Kane Knight:

Eddie was caught red-handed looting the Champion's locker room

PerfectOne:


the avenger:

RIKISHI: Damn, I knew there was something nasty in that burrito Al gave me.


CHARLES ROBINSON: Hold on Nidia, I'll fetch Mae Young, she knows all about these kind of things.

jbone:

In order to kill time on the show, Paul had Torrie and Sable stare at one of those "how to keep a blonde busy" signs


Noble: No, Mick's shooter got Nidia too! Nidia who did this to you?
Nidia: .........


Goldberg: Wait this isn't the Christina concert...


Brock: BELTY! *sniffle sniffle* COME BACK!

Loopyate:

After the shocking news of Barbie's break-up with Ken, she blew EVERYONE away by arriving at No Way Out with her new girlfriend...um...Barbie.


SCOTTY: Shaniqua shall have her neck!
SHANIQUA: But...*ack*...I'm Shaniqua!


Reason #18 to not try powerbombing Rikishi.


REF: Hey, Rhyno! Let him up off the mat. People didn't pay good money for this PPV to watch rest holds.
RHYNO: I'M ON PAY-PER-VIEW?!?
VINCE: RHYNO'S ON PAY-PER-VIEW?!?


CHAVO (reading): "Future site of Sean O'Haire's lemonade stand." Heh. That's pretty good.


CHAVO: I'm having an odd feeling of deja vu.
REF: Well, the last time you had this belt, you lost it in your WWF debut to "Gregory" Helms.
CHAVO: Who am I fighting on SmackDown this week.
REF: Lemme check...hmm...The Hurricane.
CHAVO: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!


JOHN: Yo, Kurt. How'd you memorize all the states in alphabetical order like dat, yo?
KURT: Oh, there's a little song that goes with it. "Fifty nifty United States / From thirteen original colo--"
SHOW: Guys? Match?


Kurt was ecstatic over his victory. Unfortunately, he didn't see Giant Fire Marshall Bill preparing to flick him in the back of the head


Eddie Guerrero, WWE's first ever Solar-Powered Champion.

Fryza:

Noble: NO, YOU'RE A HOMO!
Nidia: I'm behind you sweety...


Goldberg's new gangsta gimmick, "Homezberg," didn't go over so well with the educated.


Eddie: Hunter was here....what the...

[Corkscrewed]

RAW [2-16-2004]
The Naitch:

I did this to Katie Vick once, and she LOVED it!

jbone:

Benoit: So at Wrestlemania, you're gonna tap at this point right?
HHH: Uh yeah...tap...


Eric: Hey Austin remember when I fired you?
Austin: Remember when I drove you out of business
Vince: Remember when you and Bischoff performed HGA at WM XX
Austin:..........What?


Benoit: It's MY time to win Shawn!
HBK: Nope
Benoit: It's my time Shawn!
HBK: Nope
Benoit:...You're a great wrestler and deserve the title
HBK: Nop.....dammit!

Fryza:

The World Championship Staring contest was down to its final two people, until Triple H nailed the Pedigree for the win.


Shawn: We don't take kindly to Canadians around the main event levels.

Shake:

"Halt! I am the spirit of HHH - where do you think you're going with those?"


Damnit, if Trish's cleavage and Lillian's strap-on dildo wouldn't entice the logo, nothing would.


It was finally revealed how HBK found God - Benoit held him in place as Hebner read him the Bible over and over.

Corkscrewed:

Benoit: "You better assure me that you're not going to screw me over in my Wrestlemania match with Triple H."
Shawn: "Of course not, Bre-- I mean..."


Christian: "Here's a rose. It's red, like a popped cherry. I mean, I just wanted to give it to you cuz you're the breast. I mean, wanna hump over to the club after tonight? Shit. You're sticking with Jericho, huh?"
Trish: "Yup."

Loopydate:

BOOKER: Yo, alien! Look! Gold! This is the most valuable substance on the planet. If you kill anyone else in this arena with one of these big gold belts, you'll be revered as gods!
RVD: You think it's gonna work?


ERIC: And then I said "Sure, Steph. I'd love to meet your friend BJ." What? What's with the loo-- Vince is right behind me, isn't he?


LILIAN: Yeah! Who's your ring announcer! Who's your ring announcer!
TRISH: I really wish she wouldn't do that...


TRISH: Wow. Thanks for the rose. Can I give you a kiss?
CHRISTIAN: I'd rather not. Chris might see this.
TRISH: How?
CHRISTIAN: Well, there's a lighting rig over your right shoulder, and there's a camera right next to my head.
TRISH: Oh my God! They've been filming all this the whole time?!?


HBK: Hey, what's that thing falling from the ceiling, and why does it say "Montreal, bitch" on it?


SmackDOWN! [2-19-2004]
Always450:

Chavo Jr: See Eddie! We can be a team!
Belty: Shut up, Midcarder!!! You stupid midcarder!!! I’ll bury you!!!
Chavo Jr: -GASP!!!- Eddie!!!
Eddie: I’m sorry ese! It wasn’t me talking! It was the belt!
Chavo Jr: Belts don’t talk!


Kurt: Oh the power… oh GOD the power! It’s almost orgasmic… OH THE POWER!!!
Vince: Okay Kurt… you’re scaring me… now get out of my chair.

El Santo:

John knew he had to be punished for wearing the yellow clothes, but being chained in the center of the ring while Kurt sings the Best of Barry Manilow? THat was both cruel and unusual!


As Shaniqua was sent down to OVW, she got her revenge by unleashing her new monster, the Rabid Ref! Unfortunately, she'd given him the brain of some fellow named Germaine Shepperd...


Kurt: "Uh... John... nearsighted much?"


John: "Everybody out there! Listen to me! Soylent Green is SEAN O'HAIRE! SEAN O'HAIRE!!!!!!"


Danny Basham froze when he realized that the Titantron wasn't showing the match as it was happening now, but rather he was seeing himself getting thrashed by Kurt Angle three minutes in the future.


When Dawn found Paul, stiff, unmoving, and with a suspicious bulge in his pants, she realized that she'd done it again.


And this delightful WWE-commisioned mural depicts the time when a 500 foot tall Eddie Guerrero devoured New York.


When mini-Angle saved the day by leaping onto Kurt's head, Eddie knew that he had taken one blow too many.

The Rock Bottom:

Eddie thought he had everything under control and celebrated having the belt. But he had fallen into Triple H's trap, and the ring began to bubble and boil into a melting pit of lava...

Triple H: "Ooooooooo-hohohoho. Aaaaaaaaa-hohohohoho. Feecha howaki "Smack Down Title." Hooooooooo-hohohohoho."


It was bad enough for Eddie to steal fornature, but to steal the WWE ring was a little much.

jbone:

Cena: I'M NOT TELLING YOU ANYTHING YOU DON'T ALREADY KNO--
Ref: *whack* what did Lord Vince tell you about uttering those lines?


Angle flashes back to his days in county .... and that one day in the shower room.....


Paul: Gondor asks for aid Kurt....
Kurt: For the last time this isn't Middle Earth!

Corkscrewed:

Tragically, Sean O'Haire got too close to the fan.


Eddie was ecstatic until something in the rafters caught his eye.
"The belt is fake, all your base belong to us, love Hunter???"


Eddie: "Hey! You're standing, and I'm about to deliver a move!!!"
Chavo Sr.: *sigh*


Seeing... The Kurt wasn't as scary as seeing The Vince, but it was damn close.

Shake:

"If you can read this, you're about to get Angle Slammed..."


Angle's in for a surprise as Doug prepares his blue lightsaber.


After seeing his awesome genitals in the showers two years ago, Lance Storm forever haunted Kurt.

Fryza:

Even nose to nose, the SmackDown! Championship Stare Down was a huge success. Until Triple H came down, and nailed the Pedigree once again for the win.


This is what happens when you don't pay your bills. You're left with just the pipes in your house as furniture.


RAW [2-23-2004]
Corkscrewed:

Benoit: "Wheee!!! This nude hangliding is what I've always wanted to do. Wait a moment, this isn't where I was supposed to land..."

Paul Carrington:

Mick: Hey I'll tell you how I feel They punched me Kicked me th-
JR: Stunner!
Mick: No they didn't stunner me bu-
JR: Governed mule!
Mick:...umm anyways I don't remember to muc-
JR: Bah gawd!!
Mick: Lemme finish I remem-
JR: Sorry fans I don't mean to be biased but this man is a stain on the underwear of life
*Mick does his double arm DDT*
JR: John cena with the Rock bottom!

Fryza:

When Victoria needed a high note, Stevie fisted her. Worked everytime.


Orton: Okay...Batista, you go in and attack straight down the middle. The rest of us will run to the limo and party..
Batista: Hey...wait no! That isn't fair.
Hunter: Yeah Randy, I'm the one that writes the shots around here...
Batista: Yeah!
Hunter: Okay Batista, you go in and attack straight down the middle. The rest of us will run to the limo and party..
Batista: Yea...wait...


Benoit finally broke the glass ceiling, and stayed there, by hanging on to O'Haire's cage.


Vince: Your soul is MINE!
Eric: ...actually..Hunter alread has i...
Vince: SILENCE PEON!

Loose Cannon:

Jazz: So what's he doing now.
Victoria: I think he's setting up for the magic show.
Jazz: Oh, the juggling act is over already?


Benoit: You better tap or I'll tell the whole world what I saw happening inside Vince's office yesterday.

HHH: Oh Sh**....Tap Shawn, Tap Nowwwwwwww.


Kane: OK, it was funny last week, but paying me in oreo cookies really has to stop.


As you can see, hide-and-go-seek really wasn't Brock's game.

jbone:

Christian: Hi Trish, I think you're the breast wrestler...I mean, your moves are tittilating.....wait let me try this again...nice boobs.

ketchupisyourfriend:

Lita: We love your subs, cuz they are good to us! EAT QUIZNOS SUBS!!!
Victoria: For the love of god make it stop!!

El Santo:

Victoria knew that it was a tad severe, but someone had to make sure that Lita never sung on "WWE Originals" ever again.


Benoit proves to the fans why he deserves as shot at the World Heavyweight Title: here, he lifts a Chevy Vega over his head while forty pound weights dangle from his ... er, he's lifting a Chevy Vega. That's impressive.


Batista: "Ow? Why so upset? Don't these captions always tell me to grab a Snickers?"
Benoit: "The candy, you fool! The CANDY!!!"


Mick: "... and the moral of the story is, JR, if you go on the internet, don't tell Brock."


Stacy: "Uh, Vince, a little help? Rhyno's at it again...."
Vince: "God bless that Rhyno..."


Boy. This is so typical of Vince. He's surrounded by two fabulous blondes, and all he does is close his eyes and think about hosses.

ColdwaVer:

Hebner: Why do they even trust me with Canadians and submissions, anyways...


"Who controls the British crown, who keeps the metric system down, I do... I do..."


Mick's JR impression got him over further than he had ever been before...


We now return to "find the push" with Vince McMahon...


In keeping with current events, Austin uses his authority as Sherriff to perform a same-sex marriage.


Failing proctology, Lesnar becomes WWE's "naptime enforcer."

Iceman90:

Lita and Victoria team up in a match against the glass ceiling. Unfortuantly, they lost.

The Rock Bottom:

Triple H threw a fit, and remembered a previous conversation.

(20 minutes earlier)
Chris: Hunter, can I have the title at Wrestlemania?
Hunter: *Busts out laughing* The day you can balance yourself on your own penis, I will job you the World Title.

HHH:


Brock: Steve... Don't go toward the light...
Steve: Uncle Bernie?
Brock: Steve... Come back. Don't go Steve...
Steve: Brian?
Brock: Steve! DON'T QUIT ON ME DAMNIT!
Steve: Brock's career?
Brock: ...

Loopydate:

CHRIS: What the f--when did they install a Glass Wall?


CHRISTIAN: Okay. Now I'm going to blindfold you...
TRISH: Oh, no. I've fallen for THIS before!
CHRISTIAN: No, no. We're going to play "Pin the Tail on the Donkey."
TRISH: Oh. Well, I guess that's better than "Pin the Pickle Down Trish's Thr--"
CHRISTIAN: Or we could just watch TV or something.


TRISH: No, I'm not going to trust you! President Bush says that "X"es are evil!
CHRISTIAN: No, he says there's an "Axis of Evil."
TRISH: What?

[Corkscrewed]

SmackDOWN! [2-26-2004]
The Rock Bottom:

Kurt Angle posed for his "WWE Main Event" identifcation card, a new requirement enforced by Vince McMahon to assure that people like Hardcore Holly would never falsely enter themselves in a main event.


Eddie Guerrero was frustrated at Heyman, already having lined up two challengers for his Illegal Immigrant Title.


But that Sean O'Haire was coaching the Divas by telling them what John was about to throw... that sonofabitch!


John Cena was embarassed. Apparently, when he said, "You can't see this," and whipped out his penis, he was right.


Rita knew she had the battle won, when her overgrown monster put an end to the Black Ranger once and for all.


Eddie was under even more pressure, when not only did he have two contenders for the Illegal Immigrant Title, but Heyman had formed a "Border Patrol" stable!

Always450:

Rey: That’s it! I’m out of here! There was a promo that cut into our match, and Nunzio just got attacked by Stevie Richards and the ref isn’t doing a damn thing about it.


Ref: So Scotty, how are the wife and kids?
Scotty: They’re fine.
Ref: That’s good. Hey, around 15 mins away there’s this great mom and pop burger stand. Best burgers I’ve ever had.
Scotty: That’s nice….. Shouldn’t you be doing something? I mean, isn’t there a match going on?
Ref: Didn’t matter in the last match.


Cena: No! Show! Don’t look! They’re showing the HBK/Triple H/Steph double penetration video on the titantron again!
Show: OH GOD NO!


Nick: No Show, you can NOT have your own pet cruiserweight!
Show: But I found it…
Nick: Take it back to where you found it or Vince will take away your push!
Show: yessir…


Nick: When will Rhyno stop?
Show: Hey lookie! I have some talent glued onto me!


Cop: I’m sorry sir, but we need to reach out Mexican quota, and we sorta need someone.
Eddie: Racial profiling? You are horrible cops! Beside, I’m from El Paso, Texas. How do you know I’m Latino?
Cop: There’s a Mexican flag right above your head.

Corkscrewed:

Unbeknownst to Bradshaw, the ref had tilted the match in Scott's and Rikishi's favor by using the Force to drop a giant Wrestlemania XX anvil on Farooq.


Cena takes his Eminem inspiration a little too far when he starts assaulting women.


Cena agreed that Sable was looking sexy enough... but why was Torrie wearing a mumu?


If assaulting women didn't make him a hated heel, abusing Mexican Hollywood celebrities would!!!


Ref: So Scotty, how are the wife and kids?
Scotty: They’re fine.
Ref: That’s good. Hey, around 15 mins away there’s this great mom and pop burger stand. Best burgers I’ve ever had.
Scotty: That’s nice….. say, we should probably get back to the match, huh?
Ref: Yeah, that's a good id--OH MY GOODNESS, WHAT THE HECK IS RIKISHI DOING TO BRADSHAW????

Kane Knight:

Out of Crazy glue, Rhyno hid in the rafters for some fun with magnets...


Eddie realized that this was probably a BAD time for his theme to start playing. After all, few judges offer leniency when the video of the crime states "I lie and cheat and steal."

Loose Cannon:

See that guy, I stole his push.
**points to Charlie Haas selling Cotton Candy in the stands.


Eddie's "Push for 60 days" Coupon had finally expired, he now had to go to Velocity.

El Santo:

After having to watch Rikishi & Scotty vs. APA, the Ref had had enough. He morphed his hand into a blade, and may God have mercy on them all.


Torrie: "And this lovely number, modeled by our very own Sable, is made entirely of A-Train's back hair!"
Sable: "A-Train's... you told me this was mink, you slut!"


The WWE's first "Got Your Nose" match got off to a rousing start.


Ref: "Hey, Wight! That's not the US Title!"
Show: "Huh? Oh, sorry Chavo."


Eddie was thrilled when the Village People showed up to perform "Stop, In the Name of Love".

MVP:

When force didn't work, Brock resorted to tickling.


Torrie: "Billy and I did it in a restaurant, an office, an airplane."
Sable: "I've been with Triple H"
Torrie: "Oh...you must've done some kinky stuff then."
Sable: "Actually he called all the shots."

The Iron Yuppie:

Billy did the two things in the world that he shouldn't have done to Brock: He bragged about his high-speed internet and he said that Barney the Dinosaur kicked The Teletubbies' asses

Loopydate:

KURT: Hi. I'm Kurt Angle, Olympic champion. On behalf of the WWE SmackDown locker room, I would like to take this opportunity to speak directly to our fans. We're sorry about Sean O'Haire's depush. We're sorry about Hardcore Holly's main event run. We're sorry that Bradshaw still has a contract, but Kanyon does not. We're sorry that the Cruiserweight division has consisted of four men over the last year. But we're trying. I mean, we gave Eddie freakin' Guerrero the WWE Title! That's gotta mean something, right? Right? Yeah, you're right. I guess you'd better change the channel now, 'cause there's going to be a killer Cruiserweight match opening the show that gets interrupted by a backstage segment. But, hey, at least the segment features a couple of Cruiserweights! Well, not so much "features" as...well... Ah, just roll the opening montage.


Rey couldn't help but chuckle. How he managed to convince Nunzio that if he looked REALLY closely at the canvas, "The Godfather" was playing, was beyond him.


BRADSHAW: "If you can read this...I hope you don't mind me eating your knees?" Wha--OW!


Rey hated it when the hosses decided it was time to play "Catch."

======================
======================
======================
JANUARY'S MOST POPULAR CAPTIONS:
Loopydate:

After botching a move, Chavo had to go to the "Time Out Chair."


Rico does his "Vince McMahon watching a hoss match" impression.

Corkscrewed:

Holly: "Stupid. Chair. Dammit... Easy-Fold my ass!"

Loose Cannon:

Kurt, "Wow, what's this golden box"
Heyman, "Well that's where Vince keeps his buried gimmicks. Go ahead Dawn, open her up."
Voice from Box, "I'm not telling you anything you don't already know."

FEBRUARY'S MOST POPULAR CAPTIONS:
Mr. Monday Morning:

"So then Jesus rides into Nazareth on a donkey, and this woman shouts 'Nice ass!', and...what?"

Kane Knight:

Thanks to Affirmative Action, the WWE was forced to create the WWE "illegal immigrant" title.

Nowhere Man:

Show does his world-famous impression of the entire Jackson family, complete with Michael's crotch grabbing, Janet's nipple slipping, and Tito's wondering-where-the-hell-his-career-went.

ColdwaVer:

Failing proctology, Lesnar becomes WWE's "naptime enforcer."

[Corkscrewed]

MARCH

RAW [3-1-2004]
Corkscrewed:

Steve never bothered being inconspicuous when doing it for The Rock."


Stone Cold does his best Colorado University football player impression.


You know your career has hit rock bottom when Greg "The Hammer" Valentine is kicking your ass.


HHH: "Don't! You! Ever! Drink the Kool-Aid again!!!"

Loopydate:

In this clip from the new "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas," we can see that the graphics have gotten a major overhaul, but...there's something lacking in the vehicle department.


MOLLY: Who's that behind you?
STEVE: Johnny Flameboy.
JOHN: Johnny Bla--
MOLLY: That's a gay name.
STEVE: Yeah, well, I think he might be a *whispers* homo.
JOHN: I'm not g--
MOLLY: Really? Well, I guess I'll tell all of the Divas. Stacy was telling me she thought he was kinda cute.
JOHN: I'M NOT G--
STEVE: Yeah, well. Isn't that always the way?
ERIC (off-camera): Hey, guys, Triple H is here!
JOHN: But I'm still he--
*Camera cuts away*


Typical 1950s thinking. In the event of a nuclear attack, if there's no desk to duck and cover under, hide behind the nearest homosexual.


BATISTA: *sob*
CHRIS: What is it, Dave?
BATISTA: This is...*sniff* like the third week in a row they've had this same picture up. This can't be helping my credibility.
CHRIS: Aw, buck up, pal. Tell you what. In the next picture, you can be pinning me.


BATISTA: Thanks, Chris. You're the best. I never did believe all those horrible things Hunter was saying about you to Vince.
CHRIS: Yeah...what?


HHH: Wrestlemania logo?
BATISTA: Check.
HHH: Benoit unconscious?
BATISTA: Check.
HHH: Shawn ready for a Pedigree?
BATISTA: Check.
HHH: All right. So I guess they can go ahead and take the picture now so they don't have to in two weeks.


Mick knew he was screwed when HHH revealed that he, too, had learned to become invisible.

The Rock Bottom:

Batista: "Alright, let's see what we got down here..." *Pulls out a toaster and tosses it*
*Then a broom*
*Then a sink*
*Reaches in deeper* AHA! Got it! *Pulls out Michael's career* Whew.


Orton: "GUESS WHO MOTHER ****ER. DOESN'T FEEL SO GOOD DOES IT?"

Fryza:

Teddy: Hey ref, what did the five fingers say to the face?
Ref: What?
Teddy: *slap* Rick James bitch.


Batista: Shawn...Shawn, am I doing this right?
Shawn: No Dave, we went over this a thousand times..you have to use HIS move.

Nowhere Man

You really have to question the ethics of a man who can't even cut a promo without hellfire shooting up behind him.


Much like certain species of turtle, the North American Jobber can often pull its head deep within its shell to avoid danger or de-pushing.


HBK: Look, Bret, I know you're probably still upset about the whole--
Benoit: My name's not Bret. It's Chris.
HBK: Oh! Well, I like the new hair color! Looks better than when I beat you last year!
Benoit: Wrong Chris.
HBK: Jeez, how many of you guys are there?!


It became a little too obvious that Booker was paying the ref to give him the win. I mean, they just couldn't stop high-fiving each other during the damn match.


Mick knew he could easily take Orton, Flair, and maybe even Batista, but with Larry the cameraman joining Evolution's ranks, he was starting to get a little worried.

Always 450:

Triple H even no sells a headbutt to the balls.

El Santo:

You know that Stone Cold's lost all passion for the business when he doesn't even try to hide his cue cards.


After shooting fire out of his ass, Vince proved that nobody ... but NOBODY ... played a better "pull my finger".


Everyone in the ring froze as Hebner frantically announced the arrival of Godzilla.


In a chilling dramatization with a poorly contructed dummy, Brock warns that anyone caught on the internet will be burned at the stake.


In a really bizarre plot development, HBK turns on Benoit by firing a flaming spitwad at his crotch.


Benoit should have known better. All the midcarders backstage warned him: Don't believe Trips when he tells you there's a shiny quarter on the mat.


After Flair brought in the two dancing Chippendales, Mick knew that his chances of winning the staring contest were doomed.

Innovator:

"Vince McMahon is 7 feet tall."
"Ay I've heard, if he were here, he'd consume the midcarders with fireballs on his eyes, and bolts on lightning from his arse."


HHH: Hey Godwinn, remember that pig pen match?
Godwinn (on cross): oh yeah that was a good time
HHH: Yeah....well now BURN FOR IT!

Loose Cannon:

Hunter now poses for snapshots for 5 mintues before delivering pedigrees to his opponents.


SmackDOWN! [3-4-2004]
Corkscrewed:

Brock: *glug glug glug* "Wait a minute... THIS ISN'T EVOLUTION KOOL-AID!!!"


Brock was undefeated in demolition derby, but even he wasn't too sure he could win against the oncoming locomotive.

Innovator:

Brock: You shall be Bubbly, and you shall be Tasty.
Bubbly: What about belty Brock?
Brock: NO! YOU DON'T SAY THAT NAME AROUND ME!

The Rock Bottom:

Angle: Have you been injured wrestling by Hardcore Holly? We can help. Just dial 1-800-PAY-DUES. Remember. If you have a phone, you have a lawyer.


Ref: Guys like that just don't fall out of the sky you know!
(Funaki comes crashing down from the sky)
Ref: !!!! Beautiful naked big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky ya know!


Remme terru sumfin bruvah. Hark Horgan wir run RIRD on you. Hurkamania rirr never die!


The World's Greatest Tag Team boasted that they could beat the APA at anything, any time. Well, let's just take a trip back to the 70's and find out...

Special mention also goes out to his entire Kunta Kinte series, which I won't post because it's too long, but it demonstrated very good creativity.

MVP:

Brock's alcoholic gimmick went to far when he got naked in the ring.


That was only the beginning of "Mr. Austin's Wild Ride."

Lamuella:

Definition of frustration: being unable to enjoy your frosty beverage because some miscreant has superglued your chest and elbows to the ring ropes.


The finish came when Chavo Guererro increased the gravitational pull on a boeing 747 in the sky above the arena and dropped a half naked businessman on Rey's head.


When Big Show said "I'd rather eat my microphone than defend the US title this week" he didn't expect WWE to take him at his word.


RAW [3-8-2004]
Corkscrewed:

Still a rookie, Batista's attempt at forcing Foley into The Hunter Position went terribly wrong. Try as they might, neither Flair nor Orton could extricate poor Mick from his predicament.


Kane found it a little disheartening that the grand sum of all his credibility only fit into that little jar.


Kane's intense promo was momentarily interrupted when Triple H announced that he'd buried everyone on the RAW roster and that the cycle was restarting.


Even The Rock was not spared from the consequences of drinking Evolution Kool-Aid.

Lamuella:

Mick Foley called it "Explosive Diarrhea". Evolution called it a "Weapon of Mass Destruction"


It's happened to everyone. You weren't paying attention in the genetics lab and you accidentally create an evil 50 foot tall clone of yourself. Typical.


The Rock was less than pleased when Mick brought out his blind date.

Fryza:

When Jericho became the new Verizon Wireless Guy, it was up to Christian to end those annoying "Can you hear me now?" commercials once and for all.


Ref: Do you, or Do you NOT, Like these Hand Puppets!
Jericho: No. I. Don't.

Rock Bottom:

Kane: Christ, even Triple H's kidney stones are made of gold.


Kane: Hey, it's Pandora's Box!
Urn: I'm not tel-
Kane: ! *Throws that shit far, far away*


Triple H was feeling lazy that night, so he just typed out the gyst of his promos on the TitanTron.


Austin: That stupid bitch Debra. Only cost me about 20k to get my ring back. What a dumb bitch, hahaha.


Orton: Hm. Better check The Rock's ass just to be safe.
Batista: Alright, alright. What's this...
*Pulls out a million PPV buys*
Batista: Holy ****! What else is in here!?

El Santo:

HHH (on the phone): "Hey, I'm in a good mood right now. What's up?"
Chris: "Trips! I've been wondering... I've been stuck in the midcard for a while now, and I think it's about time that..."
HHH: "Just kidding! This is a voice recording. Leave a message after the beep."
Chris: "DAMMIT! WHY DO I ALWAYS FALL FOR THAT?"


Molly: "C'mon, do it."
Lita: "No, I don't feel like it..."
Molly: ".................I love the subs... The subs are good to us..."
Lita: "Nggg... nggggggg.... EAT QUIZNO SUBS!!!"


Jericho was thrilled to bring home the Heisman but grumbled that the trophies were needlessly large this year.

Iceman90:

After Kane read what the Internet fans were saying about him, he destroys his computer and its desk.

Nowhere Man:

Benoit: For the last time, I'm not Bret! I'm CHRIS!
HBK: Okay, sorry, sorry. You just look different without the goatee and the long hair.
Benoit: WRONG CHRIS!!!!


Austin was just as shocked as everyone else when his right hand made a surprise heel turn and leveled him.


Jericho writhed in the painful submission hold, but he'd already won half the battle making Richards visible again by transferring the invisibility field directly into the referee's saxophone. You'd be surprised by all the things you could learn in the old Dungeon.


Snuka:....so they really just flew me out here to put that stupid Orton kid over?
Mick: Well, that's pretty much the long and short of it.
Snuka:....shit.


Tragedy struck when the Rock died from shock in the middle of the ring. In a related story, WWE had placed a permanent ban on all surprise birthday parties.

Loopydate:

This wasn't the ideal place to set up his new massage business, but no one had the heart to tell him.


The text itself isn't what frightened Kane. It was the sound of a dentist's drill in the background.


AUSTIN: Why do they call it a "pinky?" It's kinda...peachish.


STACY: I once caught a fish that was this big!
JACKIE: I smell like fish!
*Long, awkward pause.*


Much to the delight of wrestling purists everywhere, Miss Jackie walked into the giant fan blades.

[Corkscrewed]

SmackDOWN! [3-11-2004]
ketchupisyourfriend:

Mysterio: "Maybe we're doing it wrong, but I still can't hear the ocean"

Always450:

Even The Big Show used his own matches for bathroom breaks.


Paul: Now in an attempt to try to get a decent tag team scene, each one of you will be partnered off with the person across from you.
Holly: It’s times like this I wish I was still with Nascar..
Everyone else: So do we.


Gunn: Now Steve, who gave you directions to the next Raw Arena?
Steve: Flair…


Paul: Now Brock, this is the scene where you run!
Brock: I know Paul, I know… But I can’t…
Paul: Brock, I know it’s your last night on SmackDown, but please, stick to the script.
Brock: But I can’t run out of the ring…
Paul: Fine! I’ll go!!! HMMMMM!!! ****ING RHYNO!!!!
Brock: I told you so!

Paul: No Brock! Don’t jump! Don’t do it!
Brock: BUT THAT LITTLE GIRL SAID TINKY WINKY IS GAY AND USES THE INTERNET!!!

And then Brock got his ass kicked by the little girl.
Moral of the story: Tinky Winky is gay, and surfs the internet.

Corkscrewed:

Rikishi: "You're sure that allowing the WWE Genetic's Lab to splice us together into Siamese twins will allow us another six months as tag champs, right?"
Scotty: "Of course! I even got Triple H's personally verbal guarantee!"
Rikishi: ....


Yeah, Rikishi and Scotty had gotten so stale they were even putting their opponents to sleep.


Big Show: "You just punked out the entire SmackDOWN! roster! How'd you do it?"
Austin: "Why, Evolution Kool-Aid of course! You can do anything with Evolution Kool-Aid, and it now comes in new Bluebury Blast and Glass Ceiling Grape!"

Rock Bottom:

Eddie: So then I says to him... "My name's Kunta Kinte you white fag!"


That was typical of Zack Morris. Whenever he was losing a match, he had to stop time and brood about it.


Scotty: Rikishi, after seeing The Rock and Foley on RAW, I came up with an idea...
Rikishi: Aw man, you shouldn't have.
Scotty: No, no... (Smile) Rikishi, this is your life! Roll the footage!

(A giant "M" appears on the Tron.) "I'm lovin' it..."

Lamuella:

"One of you stuck this WWE logo to my ass, and NOBODY leaves until I find out who it was!"


It broke Charles Robinson's heart to tell Tajiri that the goal he just scored didn't count, as they were wrestling, not playing soccer.


With Jamie's help, Rey was able to retrieve the soccer ball from the top of the WWE logo. At this point CHarles Robinson just gave up.


Shelton Benjamin was a formidable opponent. Not only was he fast, agile, and strong, but he could also make magic samurai swords emerge from his shoulders at will.


Maybe it was the excitement of the moment, or the cheers of the crowd, but Scotty couldn't help it. He swung Rikishi down for a long, soul-searching kiss - which lasted all of 7 seconds before the weight became too much and he dropped him.


Halfway through the match, Chavo got bored and changed the gravitational pull on the stadium again.


With one misplaced hit, the paintball game became ugly.

Kane Knight:

...The winners of the "most awkward siamese twins" match...


Vince: You are getting very sleepy...
Angle: I am getting very sleepy...
Vince: I am a competent businessman...
Angle: You are a competent Businessman...


Nobody had the heart to tell Brock that he was standing on an ATV and thus, not really taller than Big Show.

darkpower:

"Didn't I just kick your ass backstage?"

Big Vito 22:

Rikishi was a genius! Who else would've known that playing his own DVD, "Best of Rikishi" would've rendered Basham asleep so that he could get the easy pinfall victory?

Big Daddy Cool:

Always the heel, Tajri has now mastered the "up yours"

Loopydate:

When Paul fell asleep mid-promo, the SmackDown superstars held an informal meeting to try to decide on a course of action.


WRESTLEMANIA XX
Fryza:

Batista: You just killed Rock!? YOU'RE the one who's been killing everyone!
Ric: Wait, I can explain!
Batista: Try me, old man!
Ric: Rocky...Rocky speak! *covers mouth and talks* I am the Rock, I am alive. Flair is God..
Batista: Oh my Flair, I'm sorry I ever doubted you sir..


Stacy: Oh God, please don't let daddy be watching...He said I wasn't supposed to be almost naked on TV 'til I was fourteen...


Goldberg: You sold out...you sold out...
Lesnar: STOP IT!
Goldberg: Teletubbies suck...Teletubbies suck....
Lesnar (in tears): SHUT UP!


When Molly offered you to let her breast feed you, you AGREED or lost a jaw bone.


Paul: Now, one more time, WITH FEELING!
Druids: One. Of us. Is wearing. A push-up bra.


Benoit: Oh God..it's so beautiful, so shin...what the heck is this note?! *tears the note and reads it.*
Note: Benoit, congratulations on your win. See you on your back in April.
Love,
Hunter.

El Santo:

In a vicious heel turn, John Cena leads Mr. Socko away in chains.


Chris knew he shouldn't have tried the Extra Spicy Pad Thai.


"We're men... Manly Men! ... We're men in tights... YES!"


"Alright... got the money, the power, and the bitchin' Lego set ... c'mon, LADIES!"


Seconds after seeing his new president of operations, Donald Trump immediately regrets hiring personnel through that damn reality show.


To the delight of geeks everywhere, the Ring-Wraiths take on the Dementors of Azkaban in a You-ripped-off-my-gimmick-you-hack-bastard Battle Royale.

Corkscrewed:

Tragedy struck when Cheech revealed John Cena to be John Connor right as the T-X entered the building.


Apparently, Christian had a hard time grasping the concept that Jericho was, in fact, NOT a pony.


Brock made a mental note to enunciate the next time he talked with Goldberg. He wanted to be in football, not a football.


People had always called Donald Trump evil, but when he aired his Al Quaeda dealings live on TV, there was no longer any doubt.


Eddie might have been taking this whole "lie, cheat, and steal" gimmick a little far when he tried to steal his OWN boots.


The match grounded to a standstill when Taker just sat there, enjoying Kane's amusing Teletubby impressions.


Benoit: "This is a dream come true! I'm so hap---EWWW!!! There's still bits of Hunter's skin on here!!!"


And here you can actually see hell beginning to freeze over...

Rock Bottom:

Christian had one hell of a challenge. He was to pull the referee out of Jericho's ass before the new year's ball dropped.


Haas: Hey, I thought of a new tongue twister! Check it out. Haas has hoss ass in his - OH DEAR GOD NO!


Eddie: Nice going moron, you knocked out Kurt.
Ref: Malfunction. Malfunction. System overload.
Eddie: Shit, I knew this was one of Michaels's remote-control referees!


Eddie: Harder! Don't be a pussy!
Angle: *TWIST*
Eddie: ARGH! HARDER YOU LITTLE GIRL!
Angle: Now THAT does it! *TWISTWISTWISTWIST!*
Eddie: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! KEEP GOING!
Angle: I'm trying Eddie, but these damn shoes won't come off!
Eddie: That puta Rhyno!


'Taker was screwed, when awaiting him on the way to the ring was the Kane Klux Klan.


Benoit: TAP OUT TRIPLE H!
Triple H: NEVER! Why in the HELL would I job the gold to you cleanly at Mania and sell that weak move!? I AM THE GAME!
Benoit: Look Triple H. A spider on the mat right under your right hand!
Triple H: OMG KILL IT! KILL IT! I AM AFRAID OF SPIDERS! (Pounding the mat profusely)

Lamuella:

Cena's joy at winning the match turned to horror as WWE officials shot Old Yeller in front of him.


Jericho had the last laugh when he nailgunned Trish and Christian's hands to their hips.


It was the fed's first "WE QUIT!" match


"YOU'RE a homo! HE'S a homo! YOU'RE ALL HOMOS!"


The meeting of "6 foot burning wieners anonymous" was under way.


Despite Kane's protestations of love, Undertaker had to return to his own planet.


Everyone knew that Hunter had a god complex, but getting the special effects boys to lower a halo over his head was taking it too far.


Chris Benoit knew that the whirlwind wedding to Liza Minelli had been a mistake.


The greatest attraction at the carnival was the Vanilla Mirror. It showed you just what you'd look like if you were Canadian.

Nowhere Man:

Neither Jericho nor Trish could handle it when Mae Young entered herself into the Evening Gown match.


Trish's smile began to fade as the grueling Jericho/Christian "who's got a better 'pissy' face?" contest went into its fourth hour.


Foley couldn't help but be impressed by how tall Richards had gotten.


Stacy's offense ended in one of the most horrifying moments in Wrestlemania history, as Torrie countered by eating her alive from the foot up.


Chavo Sr. tries to give his son encouragement, but deep down he knew that once Rey had locked on the Tijuana Ass-Chomp of Death, it was all over.


Lesnar catches some AMAZING hang-time with one of the best flying cross body block I've ever seen.


Victoria was a great wrestler, but she was clearly out of her league when put up against Molly "Make You Eat Your Own Fingers" Holly.


Eddie Guerrero: World-class athelete? Damn right! Deserving Champion? You bet your ass. Master of tying double-knots? Well, he's still got some ways to go.


Nobody, least of all Paul Bearer, was all that happy about the surprise airing of the "Best of the Katie Vick Angle" documentary.


Wow, they weren't lying when they said the Dead would Rise Again! They brought back ****in' Wyatt Earp!


Kane celebrated his dastardly deeds after pulling the chair out from the Undertaker just as he was about to sit down.

[Corkscrewed]

(WRESTLEMANIA XX continued)

Loopydate:

Dave felt violated, but now Mick had an exact measurement.


Tajiri should have thought before he put the Flash in the Tarantula. A split-second after this picture was taken, Tajiri was plummeting headfirst to the floor.


Brock's frogsplash from the rafters was a pretty damned good way of making up for his botched Shooting Star Press from last year.


Kish never could get the hang of that split-legged moonsault dealie.


PATRICK: An' 'en I was all "POW!" An' he was all "OW!" An' she was all "My hero!" An' 'en, I was all "Yeah, wanna go have sex?" An' 'en she was all "I just met you!" An' 'en I was all "POW!"


PAUL: Damn you, Willy Wonka! Why didn't you tell me about Violet Beauregard before?!?


HHH (backstage): Oh, shit... The smarks have found me!


UNDERTAKER (reading): "Ha! Good luck getting this thing off. Love, Rhyno."


Shawn Michaels - Multitasker shows off his new gimmick by taking the Crippler Crossface AND beating Triple H in a Thumb War.

Spoonbender:

Cena was afraid, whoever 'Fabbri' was, he apparently 'ruled'. A title challenge was surly not far off!


Christian: This is for holding me back Edge!
Jericho: I'm not Edge!
Christian: Shut it Edge!
Jericho: I'M NOT EDGE!


Confused as to why The Rock got the part in Walking Tall instead of him, Mick tries to judge Rock's hight in relation to his own.


Goldberg: "Ain't no damn David Copperfield trick gonna save you, Brock! You're balls are mine!"


Unable to find the Undertaker, WWE bring back Cowboy Bob Orton and hope nobody notices.


Kane: "WOO! Oh shit!"
Beware. The dead man cometh for all those who steal Owen Hart's taunts.


RAW [3-15-2004]
Corkscrewed:

Yes, Victoria could be pretty cruel and relentless once she'd singled out a "You're a homo" target.


Referee Earl Hebner knew it was a bad idea to have Jericho wrestle Ichabod Crane.


Bubba's plot to cheat and win was foiled when he openly shook on the deal with Richards right in front of everyone.


Hebner: "I'm supposed to do what?"
Batista: "Rin... der.... beh..."
Hebner: "Dammit! THAT'S what I forgot to do yesterday!!!"


The celebration would have been complete had not Sean O'Haire decided to go sniper happy on another member of the kliq again.

Loopydate:

Victoria's new Harpy Scream finisher was found to have an unusual effect on her opponents.


RENE: No, seriously, Steve! This dog will lead you to beer!
ROB (under his breath): No way he'll believe that...
GRENIER (under his breath): He's not that stupid...
STEVE: Well? What're you waitin' for, ya beady-eyed little bastard?


JACKIE: Hold still. You're making this too hard!
STACY: *Gack!*
EARL: You don't braid people's hair often, do you, Jackie?
JACKIE: Why do you ask?
STACY: *Cough*


Yep. Vince has officially lost his mind. This was proven when he spent the remainder of the show standing in the middle of the ring repeating the phrase "I'm Vince McMahon, dammit! I'm Vince McMahon, dammit! I'm Vince McMahon, dammit!"


RIC: Okay, give it to me, Champ.
CHRIS: It's okay. You can stand up, Ric. Triple H doesn't have the belt anymore.
RIC: Oh, thank God...


EARL: *Whew* I finally got to the point where I can watch one of these without calling for the bell.
*Batista taps out*
CHRIS: Ring the bell!
EARL: What do you people want from me?!?

Fryza:

Benoit: Hunter, I have a friend here who says he misses you almost as much as you miss him!
Hunter: That's not funny Chris..


Austin: But how do you smack the thing when it doesn't cook you dinner?
Rene: Not THAT kind of bitch Steve..


Those rumours about Steven Richards must be true, that's a look normally only seen in pornos!


Earl: I'm through talking negotations. You either LIKE these shadow puppets, or you DON'T! Which is it, missy?
Stacy: *gag*


Trish: Christian! You cheating BASTARD!
Christian: Ohh..this..um..I did it for the Rock?


Dave: What the...hey, there's a World Title Push in here!
Chris: GET OUT OF MY ASS!

Rock Bottom:

Benoit: I'm so proud of my title win!
Triple H: (Mumbling) ...Yeah, I am happy you got the belt...
Benoit: (Points to Triple H's nose) LIAR!


To overstate the obvious, Kane was much bigger than Spike. Afterall, Spike was but a milimeter tall, and needed a sign over his head to point him out.

El Santo:

Steve Austin meets the head of the WWE's writing staff.


The WWE's first Chicken Dance Contest was off to a great start.


Shannon Moore was pissed. Brian Kendrick's outfit was so much better!


Stacy: "I love the Suuuubbbs!"
Jackie: "NOOOOO!!!"


As Spike prepared to unleash the Sonic Girly Scream, the Ref knew it was time to get the hell out of the arena.


Trish: "Mmmm... yes... kiss me, Albert..."
Christian: ".... what?"


SmackDOWN! [3-18-2004]
Rock Bottom:

Cena's spelling lessons didn't go too far with Goldberg, but, Cena was proud of Goldy nonetheless and commended the effort.


This would prove once and for ALL that the WWE's release of Zach Gowen was not a discriminating act. Not only did this guy have one leg, but HE WAS BLACK!


It sure was nice of The Big Show to hold Rey up so the crowd could actually see him.


(Paul Heyman turns on his TV.)
(8)When the eyes of the ranger are upon you...(8)
(Paul quickly changes the channel.)

El Santo:

After John lost his voice, he had to resort to the old Wile E. Coyote gimmick.


The first Smackdown after Wrestlemania saw the debut of John "the Not-so-Subtle Kleptomaniac" Cena.


Unlike other wrestlers, Farooq was always prepared when it started raining midcarders.


If they were going to end up on different brands, Haas was going to collect on the $100 deposit he paid for Shelton's matching boots.


Rey froze in his tracks. Andy Kaufman was alive! And he hadn't been taking his Stacker 2.


Dear God, I don't think anyone expected Paul to do a hurricarana!

Corkscrewed:

Paul: "Wait, Farooq, you mean you actually took Bradshaw's advice on that ImClone stock?"
Farooq: "Well, he IS my friend, and..."
Bradshaw:


Farooq: "You told me that ImClone stock was gonna be GOLD!"
Bradshaw: "Um... yeah... about that..."


Benjamin: "I'm a better wrestler. I'm more over. I'm more athletic. I'm more technically sound. I have better stamina..."
Gunn: "Okay! Okay! *sob* I get it! You're better than me! Stop rubbing it in! "
Benjamin: "...I don't oversell every single move. I don't need my ass to get me over. People actually care about me..."

[Corkscrewed]

RAW [3-22-2004]
Corkscrewed:

Jericho: "Dammit! This Dupree Wheelbarrow is IMPOSSIBLE! I feel like Hardcore Holly with an Easy-Fold Chair!"


The match quickly degenerated when Christian and the ref became caught up in a "You're a homo"/"**** you" gesture war.


Wow, Rhyno didn't even have the move locked in and Hebner had already called for the bell and was now walking to the back.


Hunter: "The belt is mine! Give it to me!" *pat pat* "What the... you mean it's NOT attached to your torso?"

Loopydate:

PAUL: ...and that's why the signs say "Low Bridge."


KANE: I did NOT have sexual relations with that corpse. This press conference is over!


The skies opened, and God said... "Put on a freakin' shirt!" And lo, the shirt did falleth from the sky.


CENA: Yo, I was gonna cut a killer freestyle, but since I'm in Detroit and wearing a Lions #20 jersey...I'm just gonna quit. See ya!


RHYNO: Hey, Earl. I'm Rhyno. Good to meet you.
EARL: Hi. I'll just shake your ha--
CHRIS: No, Earl! It's a trap!
RHYNO: Heh heh heh...


PAUL: You need to get me a doctor right NOW!
ERIC: I don't see what's so important. John castrated you, like, an hour ago, and you're still walking around just fine!
PAUL: But it's turning BLUE!


Crippling depression: Another side effect of burial. Hungry? Eat the boss' daughter!

faust34:

Strip powerball lottery has become an overnight sensation.

Sascha:

You mean there's a whole OTHER roster to be buried???

MVP:

Cade: "I'm going to miss you man."
Jindrak: "I got something for you to remember me by, here's my pants."


Contrary to the unpopular "Paul-in-a-Box," the new "Nidia-in-a-box" sold like crazy.


Ric: "Hey look man, when Vince told me to whack you, I didn't know he meant this."


Batista: "UH OH!"
Booker T: "Tell me you did not just do that."


That was the last time Eddie gave the Big Show a ride anywhere.

Rock Bottom:

Rene' proves to us all that the French do indeed enjoy being crucified.


Cade and Jindrak show us footage of where they first became a tag team, at a Star Wars convention.


Bischoff: Alright, Nidia, it's your turn to draw from the golden box of buried gimmicks!
Nidia: Whoa, Sable's leftover silicon!
Bischoff: Er, that works.


Rob Van Dam guest stars in Busta Rhymes's new video, "Gimme Some Dope."


It was cool for Eddie to pick up chicks with his car and all, but did he really need to pick up the fat ones too?

Innovator:

HHH: Now you're gonna get it Eddie!
Belty: Oh shit I've heard about you
HHH: What the ****?!

El Santo:

The draft was neat, the post-show beat down was terrific, but nothing in the show could really top the shocking moment when Renee Dupree climbed out of Chris Jericho's mouth.


Glen Jacobs reflected on the irony of how he began his career as a dentist and ended it a podiatrist.


"Their infidels are committing suicide by the hundreds on the gates of Baghdad. Be assured, Baghdad is safe, protected."
* missile explodes behind him *


Heyman was torn. One the one hand, he was happy that Brock had lost weight and had signed an NFL contract. On the other hand ... THE DETROIT LIONS!?!?!?


Cena: "Put me on Raw or I'm siccing Pikachu on your ass, bitch."


When Batista complained that he couldn't take his hands off his forehead, Flair and Hunter knew that Rhyno had come to Raw.


Gloating after savagely beating Whoopi Goldberg, RVD's heel turn was complete.

BigDaddyCool:

Flair, HHH, and Batista all at once: Oh my god, we all wore the same thing, we are such dorks! eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Kane: Girls are funny.

Loose Cannon:

Heyman: Don't ever tell me about a shortcut ever again.
Bischoff: Sorry, I didn't know they weren't finished installing the road yet.


Welcome back to WWE Jeopardy.
Host: Okay Paul, How many times has an ex ECW wrestler been buried in the WWE?
Heyman: Three Thousand and Five Times
Host: OOOO, So Close. The correct answer, according to Vince himself, is "What's ECW?"


You knew Trish's heel turn wasn't working out so well when Christian had to demand for the fans to stop chanting "Trish" during matches.


SmackDOWN! [3-25-2004]
faust34:

On looking back at the show Rene Decides maybe it wasn't the best idea to wear tights and look at Hustler during a match.


"Yes, I'm the whitest man in American and I said it, So talk to the hand Booker."

Fryza:

Kurt: Hey Booker, what the five fingers say to the face?
Booker: Oh no you don't Kurt, you done already did that one to me today..
Kurt: *SLAP* I'm an Olympic Gold Medalist, bitch!
Booker: ...Okay man, that's the second time...one more time and I'll break your neck again.

MVP:

Booker T: "What did you say?!"
Eddie: "I just called you by your name."
Booker T: "That is OUR word, you don't use it. Now say it right!"
Eddie: "Ok, can you pass me the oar N-word Jim?"


Bradshaw: "Hahahahaha once I eliminate the rest of the Latino population, President Bush will be in office for a second term for sure."


The writers sunk to a new low when Eddie was forced to job the WWE title to the white cowboy hat.

Rock Bottom:

Yo, yo, yo. Don't knock on this man, he isn't that bad. We wouldn't want to make his little poodle mad. And don't hate him because he's French, because all he does is warm the - (holds up the mic)
Crowd: Fuck!
Cena: You're supposed to say bench.
Crowd: ...
Cena: ...I just don't give a -
Crowd: Bench! (huge pop)
Cena: Whatever.


What a smart Basham. Coaxing D'Von into stinging him, so that a few minutes later D'Von would die.


And then God said, "Let there be light," and prompted Bubba to move his fat ass out of the way.


Bradshaw: Alright, Undertaker... This town ain't big enough for the two of us...


Booker T: Eddie, you're gonna have to hold still.
Eddie: (Screaming)
Ref: Hm, just as I suspected. (gets a machine and sucks out a little worm robot with a Triple H face)
Eddie: HOLY SHIT THAT THING WAS REAL?


Eddie: Booker, wait!
Booker: Shut up sucka, it's naptime.
Eddie: But our Naptime Enforcer just left to go for the NFL.
Booker: Guess I have to kill you then...

Corkscrewed:

Ref: "Riiiiiiicolaaaaaaa!!!"


Bradshaw: "And can you believe it? Nathan Jones took my 'advice' about that Enron stock, and long story short, that's the real reason why he got depressed and went back to Australia."

PorkSoda:

Bradshaw: And there he was just above my chambored door, he squealed at me like nothing more, he took my boozm's to the bedroom floor, and whacked about on my door. Who was this on my bedroom floor, smacking me like a chambored door? I reached the door, hoping for a glore, it was just Stephanie, poking on my chambored door like a 2 cent baby whore! Quote the Bradshaw, nevermore!

El Santo:

Seconds later, the WWE jobbed John Cena to the entire University of Nevada.


Bradshaw: "... it's a book filled with drama, comedy, and lots of paint-by-number pictures. In conclusion, I highly, highly recommend 'A is for Apple, Z is for Zoo.'"


Fans marked huge when Bradshaw was sucked down by the perilous Smackdown quicksand.

trnbuckle:

Eddie fainted when he learned he was the prime suspect in the case of "Who Shot JR's hat"

Nowhere Man:

Long was touched that Too Cool wanted him to be part of their team, but he wasn't too sure about joining up with a group that used to have a white guy who called himself the "Grand Master" as a member.


Triple H was always so uptight about Tough Enough and the internet "exposing the business," so I've got to wonder why they let the referees shout out the upcoming spots on live TV.


Tired of hearing Booker's whining, Angle uses an amazing trick he'd learned from Cena. Booker was stunned and frightened when out of nowhere, he couldn't see Kurt anymore.


Everyone in the room was focused, hell-bent on their goals. Booker wanted to establish his dominance and make a name for himself. Holly wanted to regain his credibility by taking out a major worker. Funaki wanted his lower torso back.


Not even the aggressive attacks from the WWE Champion would break Booker T away from his Tai Chi.

Kapoutman:

It was the end for Charlie Haas, as RVD was trying to rip off his arm, while the ref was going for the head


The 69 position was old news. Here, Chavo and Spike try the "96" position, to no success.

loopydate:

CENA: YoyoyoYOYO! Chill. I know I made some of you guys mad when I did my Barry Sanders impression on RAW. No worries. Tonight, I'm here in East Lansing, wearing a Spartans jersey, so there will be no imp--*begins choking*


TEDDY: I represent the NAACP, and I gotta tell you: Your dancing...it's kinda settin' us back.


SPIKE: This is sort of refreshing.
CHAVO: Why?
SPIKE: On RAW, our crucifices were invisible.


BRADSHAW: And now I'm...Jimmy Stewart! "Muh-muh muh mouth's bleedin', Burt!" Ha ha ha! Thank you!
TAZZ: Didn't they used to be a little more discreet about filling TV time?
COLE: Your mic's on.
TAZZ: Well, I'm fired.


HOLLY: You took my main event push!
GUNN: And my claim to being the biggest tag-to-singles success story.
LONDON: And my TV time!
FUNAKI: And my rugged sex appeal!
BOOK:


REF: Eddie? Eddie, wake up! Oh, man... I told you not to drink all of that. The hat SAID it was 10 gallons!

tucsonspeed6:

And then I said to Vince that he should purchase some propane and propane excessories.

[Corkscrewed]

RAW [3-29-2004]
Xero Limit 126:

Vince was starting to get cheap with the Pyros... HBK had to throw the sparkles in the air now...


HBK: Uh, here...
Chris: Why are you standing like that? Whats wrong with me!?
HBK: Uh, well, if you can kill Ric with your breath, I wouldnt be too hard...


Johnny just couldnt believe it... Shawn chose Chris over him!

Corkscrewed:

Coach paid dearly for making fun of Shang Tsung's new haircut.


Shawn: "Damn, I knew I shouldn't have had that chili Bret sent me."


Austin: "Heheh.. and then she said, 'No! I'm not your bitch!' and I said 'Shut up, bitch!' and she's like 'It's over!' and I'm like 'You're breaking my law, bitch!' and she's like 'This isn't wrestling, you moron!' so I stunned her and drank six bears, and when she got up, I stunned her again!' Heheheheh..."
Benjamin: "Um, Steve, you're still drunk aren't you?"
Austin: "...and then the cops decided to stop by for some reason..."


"Holy shit! Our anniversary was yesterday!!!"

Fryza:

Flair hated the WWE's annual prostate check-ups.


Benoit: Did you, or did you NOT steal Molly's wig?
Johnny: ...
Shawn: ANSWER HIM!

loopydate:

HHH: Oh, shit! There's an "H" on the 'Tron! I missed my cue!


RHYNO: Love you, too, Stevie. No one must ever know...


HBK: Ha ha! Now I'M the champion!
GOD: Give it back!
HBK: Yessir.


STEVE: You wouldn't happen to know where the Divas' locker room is, would you?
SHELTON: Down the hall to the left. Why?
STEVE: No reason. *Cracks knuckles* I'll be back in a minute.


KANE: Note to self, Chia is NOT edible.

Shaggy:

Late Breaking News: Trish Stratus tragically died monday night after slipping over the Highlight Reel Logo that was conveniently placed on the walkway. Jericho says he didnt do it but is still being held for questioning.


Urge to kill rising...rising...rising...

MVP:

Coach wasn't pleased with RAW's new water fountain.


The debut of Jubilee on RAW was a huge success.


Johnny: "C'mon Lillian, can't we just go out once like old times?"
Lillian: "Don't start with me Florence!"
Benoit: "FLORENCE?! Hahahahahahahahaha"
HBK: "Oh man Johnny Nitro's real name is Florence?! Hahahahahaha"
Johnny: "Hey shut up...you all shut up!!"


Once word ot out about Shelton's win over Triple H, Vince gave the command for the flamethrower.

Rock Bottom:

(8)Oh..! Oh! Ohhhhhhhhhh! I think I'm cute, I know I'm sexy... I got the looks...(8) Introducing first, from San Antonio Texas, weighing in at two hundred, thirty pounds, The Heart Break Kid, Shawwwwwwwwwwwwwn, Michaellllllllllllllllllls!

(8)Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesus Chriiiiiiiiiiiiiiist, Suuuuuuuuper Starrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...(8)
And his tag-team partner, from The Pearly Gates, weighing in at nine trillion, eight hundred, fourty-nine billion, seven hundred, ninety-six million, five hundred, thirty-nine thousand, and one pound, The Allllllllllllllllllmightyyyyyyyyy, Godddddddddddddddddd!


When Michaels told Ric Flair that his penis was a foot long, Flair didn't believe him. So Michaels grabbed a foot and measured.


Michaels: I gotta hand it to you Benoit, knocking out the ref when I hooked you in that Sharpshooter was pretty smart, I've gotta get some new material.


Evolution: And to show our appreciation for everything you've done... Triple H, this, is your life!
(Video plays)
Triple H: Who's your daddy... Who's your daddy...
Steph: Vince McMahon is... Are you in yet?
Triple H: I think I'm gonna... Ohmygod... BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HH.
Orton: *$&^%&^$&^&#^$ WRONG VIDEO FLAIR, YOU MORON!

faust34:

Trish was furious when the little blue man in the hamster ball refused to stop following her to the ring.

El Santo:

Tajiri never got used to the bold taste of Mountain Dew.


Shelton had lost the tag titles, lost his partner, and was now on a different show all together, but having to listen to HHH prattle on about his love life was more than he could stand.


Christian knew it was wrong to cheat on Trish with Molly Holly, but there was something about rubbing his fingers through her bald scalp that made his naughty parts tingle.


Hundreds of fans tossed their cookies when Kane sneezed on national TV.

gonMad00:

Shelton: GOT YOUR NOSE!
HHH: I'm doomed.

ColdwaVer:

HBK: It's a magic trick, see, I steal someone's finisher and the bell rings on its own, haha!

Sascha:

Benoit: WHO DOES NUMBER 2 WORK FOR!!!

[Corkscrewed]

MARCH'S MOST POPULAR CAPTIONS:

Nowhere Man:

HBK: Look, Bret, I know you're probably still upset about the whole--
Benoit: My name's not Bret. It's Chris.
HBK: Oh! Well, I like the new hair color! Looks better than when I beat you last year!
Benoit: Wrong Chris.
HBK: Jeez, how many of you guys are there?!

Rock Bottom:

Benoit: TAP OUT TRIPLE H!
Triple H: NEVER! Why in the HELL would I job the gold to you cleanly at Mania and sell that weak move!? I AM THE GAME!
Benoit: Look Triple H. A spider on the mat right under your right hand!
Triple H: OMG KILL IT! KILL IT! I AM AFRAID OF SPIDERS! (Pounding the mat profusely)

loopydate:

STEVE: You wouldn't happen to know where the Divas' locker room is, would you?
SHELTON: Down the hall to the left. Why?
STEVE: No reason. *Cracks knuckles* I'll be back in a minute.

Sascha:

You mean there's a whole OTHER roster to be buried???

PorkSoda:

Bradshaw: And there he was just above my chambored door, he squealed at me like nothing more, he took my boozm's to the bedroom floor, and whacked about on my door. Who was this on my bedroom floor, smacking me like a chambored door? I reached the door, hoping for a glore, it was just Stephanie, poking on my chambored door like a 2 cent baby whore! Quote the Bradshaw, nevermore!

[Vega]

Now that I know you are doing these, I might have to actually bother doing some again

[Savio]

what about Feb?

[Corkscrewed]

I used an editted reply box.

[Corkscrewed]

Updated. Now with Caption of the Year canidates in blue.

[Savio]

Man I gotta do more of these only one of mine is up there.

[Corkscrewed]

Updated. Anyone want to give suggestions on any captions I should put for the Royal Rumble and this past week's Raw and Smackdown? Or should I not put any of mine in?

[El Santo]

Check out the Smackdown thread for my suggestions. I'll get the Raw ones next.

Wow, Caption of the Year for me. I never expected to get that ever. I don't know though, I mind have to hand over the award to Loopy's "Rico/Vince" one. That one had me laughing so hard, I couldn't breathe.

I'll help you out with yours Cork.

[Nowhere Man]

Wow. I just realized that out of the entire month, I only did captions, like, twice. The new generation has passed me by, and I'm nothing more than a feeble shell of my old self. I'm gonna go find out where the hell Lamuella went and stay over there

Originally Posted by Nowhere Man Wow. I just realized that out of the entire month, I only did captions, like, twice. The new generation has passed me by, and I'm nothing more than a feeble shell of my old self. I'm gonna go find out where the hell Lamuella went and stay over there

No......You can't leave the Crew Nowhere

[Corkscrewed]

Well, you can go find Lammy, Nowhere Man, but if you do, drag him back.

Seriously... I'd love the master to come back and put us to shame.

[Corkscrewed]

Updated for RAW 2-2-2004. And yeah, I was a bit partial to myself. Hope you don't mind.

[Corkscrewed]

And while we're at it... vote for January Caption of the Month if you haven't already!!!!

[Corkscrewed]

Updated again.

Geez, so much for two posts per month. With the high increase in quality recently, I'm on pace for three... maybe four!

Cork, I'll help you do these if you want, so you don't have to do everybody. I'll put up a few poster's captions if you don't want to do all of them. And I tell you which ones to put up for yours later.

sorry

[Savio]

Mine always suck

[Corkscrewed]

Originally Posted by Loose Cannon Cork, I'll help you do these if you want, so you don't have to do everybody. I'll put up a few poster's captions if you don't want to do all of them. And I tell you which ones to put up for yours later.

I'm gonna be a little selfish and say thanks but no thanks. I'm not having a hard time with choosing other people's, it's just my own that I'm not always sure about, since they are mine and I'd be automatically biased no matter what.

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed I'm gonna be a little selfish and say thanks but no thanks. I'm not having a hard time with choosing other people's, it's just my own that I'm not always sure about, since they are mine and I'd be automatically biased no matter what.

[Rock Bottom]

This post reeks of bumpingness.

[Blue Demon]

I find I have my moments..but mine tend to be kinda craptacular too.

[Corkscrewed]

Dammit, I accidentally pressed back three times while adding new pics, thus having to start over again. Grrr.

[Shake]

Wow, I got included this week, thanks a lot. I'm going to leave this thread until the end of the year. Grab a beer, sit back and enjoy - should be AWESOME reading.

[Rock Bottom]

I bump thee.

[Corkscrewed]

updated through Raw 2-23.

[loopydate]

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed updated through Raw 2-23 (except for loopydate's late entries. What a boner)

Or something like that.

[Corkscrewed]

LMAO.

I'll get the rest up as well as the Caption of the Month ASAP. I've been REALLY busy.

[loopydate]

'Saright. No rush, mate. Just bustin' your chops. After all, what else can you expect from Triple Dave - Nature Killer?