SmackDown Captions (Jan 22 04)

[FourFifty]

It's not even 6:00pm Cali Time, and the pics are ready!


Ref: Hey Rey, you spend a lot of time in the sky, right?
Rey: I’m a luchador, of course I do.
Ref: Well, next time you’re up, tell Sean O’Haire I said hi, okay?
Rey: Will do.
Chuck: Ah! If you’re going to Sean’s cage, could you get me some cotton candy?


The Bull looks at Chuck’s new Rey Mysterio table, and reminds Chuck that he’s missing two of the legs on it.


Brian Christopher and Scott Taylor… Chuck and Billy… I wasn’t expecting another gay angle.


Jamie: Next time, don’t eat the belt! I don’t want to go down your throat again!
Rey: Sorry man, I thought it was chocolate or something.


Now if this wasn’t the best damned X-Factor!


And now Dawn knows that forward is the only way her heart will go.


Albert’s fantasy has come true… He’ll finally have a little blonde chick topless to wrestle with.


Alas, the ref’s warning came too late… The giant fist took out Shannon Moore and A Train.


Well you’d be confused too if a blurry midget was whispering sweet nothings in your ear while you were trying to cut a promo.


Yep, it’s hoss feeding time!


Moments later the lasers blasted both of them to ash. Moral of the story: Never turn your back on a UFO.


The new ringside commentators table didn’t go over too well…


Rhyno was holding John Cena while the ref put the invisible head on.


Ref: Yo Momma, Brock!
Brock: Pish! Talk to the hand!
Chris: And they wonder why I’m going to Raw…


Hardcore Holly showed concern for his new tag team partner, Shannon Moore.

[FourFifty]

Holly: I see the zipper! This isn’t Brock! It’s a guy in a Brock suit!


John Cena was just showing an inquisitive fan where Rhyno’s career is headed thanks to the writers.


Cena and Rhyno were going to do the battering ram on the ref, but the ref knew that everyone backstage forgot how to do that move.


Oh that prankster Ric Flair… Even when he’s not on the show, he’ll still glue someone's hands together.


Poor Paul… Little did he know that John Cena and Chris Beniot were being paid by The Sandman, Rob Van Dam, Sabu, Simon Diamond, EZ Money, Spike Dudley, and other ECW stars.
All the Big Show could do is support himself on the new announce table to prevent himself from falling over in laughter. Yeah, Cena and Beniot are getting paid with bouncing checks.


Christ Beniot’s newest finisher- Flying Vulcan Death Grip


VINCE!! VIIIINCE! SEAN IS GETTING OUT OF HIS CAGE!!!!


Chavo Jr: Daaaad! You’re ruining my look!
Chavo Sr: Come on son. Why can’t I look cool when I dress like you?
Chavo Jr: None of my other friend’s dads dress like their sons!


I think Kurt’s depth perception is a little off… A few inches more, and he’d have the chokehold.


What a nice guy! Chavo Sr. takes a moment to show Kurt a chokehold.


Chavo Sr: Now watch son! This is how you not blotch a move!
Chavo Jr: Yes sir…


Kurt couldn’t figure out why John Cena was cool when he did his “you can’t see me” thing, but Kurt just looked stupid when he went for it.


Eddie: Yes! The ass cannon is loaded!


No Kurt, you still don’t have it.


Ah, what a touching moment… The Chavo Jr/Chavo Sr got over so well when they started dancing. Then Disney sued them for ripping off that Goofy movie.

[Fryza]

Chuck just COULDN'T figure out how Brock did that submission.



M-Dogg20 makes his WWE debut.



Wanting his clothes back, Nunzio pays Hunter's altar boy the money to get a small push to Velocity main eventing...and his clothes back.



Jamie: Eat MY title, will ye?
Rey: But, it's my titl...
Jamie: *smack*



Kidman reveals his new move: The Flying Teabag.



This is the worst strip tease I've ever seen.



Before the match could start, the ref needed a feel of both man's breasts. He confused Shannon for a girl...but..I'm not sure about Train..



Shannon's new submission was rather unique...



Where will you be when your diarrhea acts up?



You see...the regular door-rammer kinda broke the other week..



Brock and Heyman saw Rhyno coming, and aimed the Laser Cannon.



I thought Heyman was BALD and needed a hat, not a high chair..



Here we see the WWE's greatest Dentist at work.



Benoit didn't like Brock changing the tv to Teletubbies in the middle of Seasme Street.



Holly was notorious for his destructive noogies.

[Vega]

Super Smash Brothers Melee 2: This time you can play as wrestlers and on a team against that damn boss hand!



The ref had to check the breasts of each wrestler to make sure they were real. We won't be having any illegal use of metal breasts in this match.



Whoa, Kurt! Watch out for that flaming WWE logo!



God, I know we haven't talked much but...I think we both know what needs to be done to Vince. Also, can you let Rhyno get a push and RVD win the world title? Amen.



TIGHTER SHOW, TIGHTER! If you let go i'll be levatated to the celing!

[FourFifty]

Originally Posted by Always450 It's not even 6:00pm Cali Time, and the pics are ready! Hardcore Holly showed concern for his new tag team partner, Shannon Moore.

Oh damn! I thought that was a chick in pink, not Brock! I gotta come up with a new caption!


Holly just went crazy when Brock said that Shannon was really a boy.

[KayfabeMan]

The Guerrero's steal a page out of The Headshrinkers playbook...


Somehow Meng didn't look as intimidating without his humongous Afro...


Heyman wanted to go to the beach; the writers wanted him on SD!;
so they did what any logical writing team would do...compromise


The Power Rangers knew they were ****ed when Rita enlarged Brock
AND Heyman at the same time....


Stamboli gets a nice overhead picture for The Palumbo family album...

[Fryza]

Holly shows just how ticklish Brock really is.



This was the picture taken just before the shows just couldn't pump anymore.



Cena's plan was to elevate Rhyno, but not if the ref had a say about it.



Heyman figured out that the "SUPER" wasn't on the bottle just for show.



John and Chris's cannibal gimmicks didn't go over too well after they were done..



Show: I'll show YOU worthless.

After missing the fan he was aiming for, it was quite obvious Benoit wouldn't be wrestling ever again.



Sakoda: Looks it's Dubya!
Bradshaw: GEORGE! WHERE?!



Chavo: Okay Dad, let's show these guys what for, Chavo style!...!...?...Dad?
Chavo Sr.: Isn't that the O'Haire kid selling pop-corn?
Chavo: Sean?! Where? Really? I thought they had him at the Gift Shop now?
Chavo Sr.: Wait, you mean he wears a Dragon mask then?



A scene from Fox's new special, "When Senior Citizen Wrestlers May or May Not Strike Back."



And here we see Chavo Sr.'s AHHNOLD impression.



And here father shows son how to botch a Surfboard. Steiner would be proud.



Eddie just had to tie his shows during the match..



Eddie's Twist of Fate just wasn't that...well...abundant in the field of Mattitude..



Here's why you don't run with scissors.



Can you spot the YMCA Dance reference in the picture?

[FourFifty]

Originally Posted by Fryza Chavo: Okay Dad, let's show these guys what for, Chavo style!...!...?...Dad? Chavo Sr.: Isn't that the O'Haire kid selling pop-corn? Chavo: Sean?! Where? Really? I thought they had him at the Gift Shop now? Chavo Sr.: Wait, you mean he wears a Dragon mask then?

[FourFifty]

Shannon: Okay, let me get this straight. Mene Gene sells pizza, Sean O’Haire sells beer and popcorn when he’s not in his cage, Rhyno sells cotton candy, Ultmio Dragon sells merchandise, Tim White and Ric Flair own their own bars…

Train: Yeah, so what?

Shannon: I know times are tough, and we’ve even had a few wrestlers sit in the front row during their matches, but why doesn’t Triple H sell anything?

Train: Well, he has no business skills.

Shannon: Actually, I was changing the subject.


Running low on ideas to expand his moveset, A-Train used The Widow's Peak on Shannon Moore.

[loopydate]

Originally Posted by Always450 And now Dawn knows that forward is the only way her heart will go.

[Vastardikai]

Originally Posted by Always450 Shannon: Okay, let me get this straight. Mene Gene sells pizza, Sean O’Haire sells beer and popcorn when he’s not in his cage, Rhyno sells cotton candy, Ultmio Dragon sells merchandise, Tim White and Ric Flair own their own bars… Train: Yeah, so what? Shannon: I know times are tough, and we’ve even had a few wrestlers sit in the front row during their matches, but why doesn’t Triple H sell anything? Train: Well, he has no business skills. Shannon: Actually, I was changing the subject.

I guess this means I've created a Running joke. I have officially topped out. It can only go downhill from here...

If not, I probably still have topped out.

[loopydate]

REF: And THAT's what you get for calling my blue armband gay!
CHUCK: Hyuk hyuk!



CHUCK: Eeeeeeew... How'd you move your abs to your back like that?



NUNZIO: Thanks for the money, cuz.
JAMIE: I ain't yer cousin!
NUNZIO: Yes, you are. Remember?
JAMIE: Ohhhhhhhhh. Right. Here ya go...cuz.



Jamie starts his "Cruiserweight Triple H" gimmick with style.



Tajiri just had to feel for himself. Well, I'll be damned. Kidman WAS getting a piggy-back ride from Stevie Richards!



Hmm... Young(ish) woman with a microphone... On a wrestling show... Bedecked in red and yellow... Oh, shit... Brooke Hogan's got a WWE contract...



PATRICK: Okay, Train. I know you're upset that Shannon replaced your shaving cream with Nair, but we're going to have a civilized match. Understood?



Does anybody else think that if you drove a Mario Kart down Shannon's body, you'd get a big speed boost when you hit the legs?



-BEFORE THE SHOW-
VINCE: Lemme see if I got this. Rap music was a fusion of rock & roll and urban rhythms, rock & roll was based on the fusion of rhythm & blues and country & western, and country & western was derived in the South. Therefore, switching John from a rapper into a slack-jawed yokel WON'T confuse the hell out of everyone?
HAYES: Of course not, Vince! And none of the other writers think so, either!



They'd been dropping hints for weeks that Undertaker would be returning at the Rumble as the Deadman, but...wasn't delivering a giant urn to the Big Show's locker room a little...on the nose?



PAUL: Look, Brock! Sean O'Haire's got a laptop up there!
BROCK: I'm gonna kill him.



PAUL: I feel like I'm in a Lily Tomlin stand-up bit...



John was just being helpful. Rhyno's headlock would look more convincing if he...y'know..actually had his arms around his head.



BENOIT: Stop doing the Braves' "Tomahawk Chop!"
BROCK: NEVER!



Hardcore Holly was confused. He'd equated Brock with the WWE Title for so long. Now that he'd actually been booked to WIN the damn thing...he couldn't remember which one he was supposed to put on. Looks like he chose wrong.



BROCK: Ack! The belt! The belt!



The John Cena gargoyles...they're portable, too!



Who knew Rhyno threw such a beautiful Tornado DDT?



Paul "Invisible Sword Swallower" Heyman knew how to give the fans just what they wanted.



Benoit runs face-first into Heyman's invisible force field.



BENOIT: AAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEE! STOP SQUEEZING!



AKIO: Oh, no! It's Gojira!
SAKODA: Not Gojira!
REF: We must flee!



Chavo was pissed. If the TitanTron was going to crash mid-entrance, couldn't they have at least programmed it to spell "Error" right?



KURT: Superstar!



EDDIE: What?
CHAVO: I said "HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HECTOR LATELY?"



EDDIE: What?
CHAVO: HAVE! YOU! HEARD! FROM! HECTOR! LATELY!



Sure preserving kayfabe was important, but when a wrestler lost a contact lens...well, they knew their priorities.



PATRICK: Hey, look! I'm ice skating!
EDDIE: Good work, ese.



KURT: I just... Can't believe Hardcore Holly's getting a title shot.
REF: It's all right, Kurt. Let it out.



HHH: Hehehe... They'll never expect me to put an invisible crucifix on the top turnbuckle!

[loopydate]

Originally Posted by Fryza Here's why you don't run with scissors.

A funny caption.

And a good lesson.

[FourFifty]

Originally Posted by loopydate KURT: I just... Can't believe Hardcore Holly's getting a title shot. REF: It's all right, Kurt. Let it out.

Well, this really doesn't need to be said, but...

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

[FourFifty]

Akio: Oh crap! Sakoda! Don’t look!
Sakoda: What is it Akio?

Moments later Akio and Sakoda vanished into thin air as Brock Lesnar demanded more air time.
Paul: Are you happy, Trips?
Brock: What did you just call me?
Paul:…

[FourFifty]

Paul: Wait a second, did that kid start making captions at 6:00pm, Cali time?
Brock: But the show is done on Tuesday, so I'm not surprised.
Paul: But he used the I word...
Brock: Ice Cream!?!?!? Really?!?!?!
Paul: No, internet...
Brock: Internet? KILL!!!!

[Corkscrewed]

Dammit, you people are beating me to the Brock Lesnar kill jokes!!!

[Corkscrewed]

Chuck was damned if he was going to let Rey get that penny before his buddy the referee!


When the angelic UFO touched down, Stamboli immediately ceased all activity and waited for his people to reclaim him.


Nunzio: "And here's the money for letting me sleep with your sister..."


Jamie Noble was skilled enough to taught Mysterio AND jerk off Steven Richards at the same time.


In addition to sucking in other people's souls, Tajiri was equally proficient at sucking in other people's penises.


Needless to say, Dawn Marie failed her American Idol audition.


Nick Patrick couldn't resist. He just had to feel those silicone implants one more time!


While A-Train had Moore in position, the heel referee stole his nose.


Eh... the Cenabot ain't much better than his Orton counterpart. His only specialy is a really kickin' Bob Denver impression.


Big Show figured he'd try to outdo Austin's ATV.


Paul: "Look! It's Matt Hardy, back on SmackDOWN! and still using his web-style entrance!
Brock: BANG!


Rhyno couldn't help but notice bitterly that even Heyman was more elevated than him.

OR

Rhyno's tricks finally backfired on him after he didn't wash his hands well enough.


As Cena kneels there in the hold, referee Brian Hebner tries every trick he remembers from the Harry Potter series to try to get Rhyno unburied.


"No Brock! I swear I don't ever use the internet!!!


Chris Benoit, valiant protector of all internet users, flies in to save the day.


Holly: "What's this? A zip disc containing all of next month's storylines??"


Holly: "It was YOU!!! You're the leak in the WWE!!!!"


Cena's shoes had the amazing feature of being able to hold in more hot air than Goldberg and Scott Steiner combined.


This was like the third week in a row Cena had to lug Rhyno around, and it was getting frustrating. Rhyno's career was dead... why couldn't they just bury him completely?


If Heyman could get to the rousing finale of "Con Te Partiro," maybe... just maybe he could escape this predicament.


Benoit: "No! Don't put me in that cage with Sean! I promise not to get too over with the fans!!!
Big Show: "Sorry, but orders are orders. Ego charitas can ab Altara ab Helmsley. Iuvo abrugo hac beneficium...


As you can see, whenever Japanese wrestlers fight each other, the WWE has to show it anime style, as evidenced by everyone slowing down for no reason except Akio and Sukoda.


Chavo Jr. was pissed. Why the heck did they have caricatures of angry mallards on their shirts???


Angle: "Be HEALED... my son!!!"


Eddie and Chavo Sr. both chip in their disgust over the fact that Holly gets a title shot this Sunday.


Here, Chavo Sr. sets Eddie up for the invisible crucifix to attack.


Just maybe... this wrestlers' obsessions with coins was going a bit too far.


Wow. Eddie did the butterfly effect again.

OR

Nick "Carlton Banks" Patrick was a big hit with the fans.


Kurt learned going for a moonsault was a bad idea when he jumped too high and hit his head on Sean O'Haire's cage.


Suddenly, the giant Sky Wrench swooped down and plucked Chavo off the turnbuckle. Outside, some kid had a new plush wrestler to take home!

[FourFifty]

Reason #718 why it's cool to have a blind girlfriend: She won't see you paying the flasher.

[Vastardikai]

Rey: Who taught this guy how to do a German Suplex?



Bull: Ok, I'm up here, now what?

Ref: You're suppose to jump off onto Rey.



Jamie: This should cover the boob job we got for Nidia, right?



Misterio chokes when Jamie tells him that Mark Henry got his Stank all over the Cruiserweight Title.



Kidman is glad that he isn't mopping the floor this week.



Dawn Marie shows the fans where they can see Sean O'Haire.



The Ref goes for his patented Double "Stain on your Shirt" gag, even though neither man is wearing a shirt. Surprisingly, it works on both of them.



Shannon's tights subtly point to the direction her career is going.



For some reason, Ashton Kutcher decided to cut his hair before showing up on WWE Programming.



It was not until he pushed the Keg Cart to the entrance ramp did someone inform this man that Austin was on RAW. Poor guy...



The Cameraman looks up to Brock and Heyman.



You know you've been buried when even the referee gets to choke you.



Rhyno: Do the "Backstreet's Back" dance one more time and I'll stop giving you free popcorn!



Brock waves to O'Haire as he gives some Cotton Candy to a fan.



Bob uses a T-shirt to cover up the Yellow Dog's face, less his identity become visible to the world.



He then shocks everyone by pulling off the shirt on the way out.



The Only thing that keeps John Cena from the next level is his inability to touch his toes.



Cena: Damn Rhyno, You've put on some weight since last time. You've been eating all that popcorn or something?



Paul: FIGAROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!



Benoit is shocked when he discovers that Kevin Sullivan was hired by Triple H.



Right Forearm turning into Talented Wrestler disease has claimed another victim.



Someone spots that Rhyno is back to usual job.



Chavo parts with his bandanna for no man, not even dear old Dad.



Chavo Sr. moves in to inform Kurt that the Breast Stroke is best used in the water and in bed.



Chavo Sr.: Set up the Eddie Trap!



Worst. Vertebreaker Attempt. Ever.



Ref: Commadant Angle, your falling Apart!



Heyman learned that the only way Bob Holly would get a WWE Title Match was if Kurt put someone in the Torture Rack while Nick Patrick danced a jig.



Kurt heard it all his life: Don't fire that BB Gun, you'll put your eye out! If only he had listened.



Sr. and Jr.'s Public Enemy impression didn't go over with the fans, or Eddie.

[Blue Demon]

Chavo was pissed that the crew misspelled "error"



They decided to give A-Train a new gimmick: Red Rooster 2000


Just then Vince's spell wore off and he wondered why he wasn't in Kansas anymore...

[Corkscrewed]

Originally Posted by Vastardikai The Only thing that keeps John Cena from the next level is his inability to touch his toes. Chavo Sr. moves in to inform Kurt that the Breast Stroke is best used in the water and in bed. Kurt heard it all his life: Don't fire that BB Gun, you'll put your eye out! If only he had listened.

LOL!!!

[Vega]

Heyman does his best impression of Dark_Kane begging the mods to unban him

[loopydate]

Originally Posted by Vega Heyman does his best impression of Dark_Kane begging the mods to unban him

It's funny. But sad at the same time... 'Cause it's true...

[FourFifty]

Akio: Sakoda! Quick! Put away your PDA!!!
Sakoda: Why?
Akio: Brock Lesnar is pointing a gun at you from the sky box!!!
Sakoda: Oh crap!
Brock: BANG!!!
Sakoda:... Does he know how to use a gun?
Akio: Maybe if he wasn't busy ripping off DDP's Catchphrase, he'd learn to pull the trigger.

[Corkscrewed]

Originally Posted by Vega Heyman does his best impression of Dark_Kane begging the mods to unban him

LMAO! THAT's going in the archive.

[PorkSoda]

Rhyno's skin was so greasy, evertime Cena would touch him his hands would slip right off. Out of desperation, Cena goes under the ring and dips his hands in super hot glue, pulling a "Hot Hands" Hanon from The Little Giants. Unfortunatly, he fell for the "Touch Your Toes" trick that the ref told him.



...Heymen tried the trick as well.



Just as Chavo was about to dive onto Eddie, the Balloon Man accidently let go of his balloons, and Chavo grabbed onto them, only to be floated to the top of the arena.

[FourFifty]

Chavo Sr and Chavo Jr introduce their newest move, the telepathic rocket launcher.

[FourFifty]

'k, one last one before the Rumble tomorrow...

Ah! Yes! Jamie and Nunzio had the best idea! No one would dare think poor blind Nidia stole next months script and gave it to Jamie so he could give it to Nunzio on national television who in turn would go in an AOL chat room that night under the screen name "GuidoFan450" to tell the world what would happen on SmackDown!

[Nowhere Man]

[

It was clear that WWE had finally run out of new "authority figure" positions when Paul Heyman was made the Official Life Guard of Smackdown.

[Vega]

Originally Posted by Corkscrewed LMAO! THAT's going in the archive.

Don't see it there

[Savio]

WWE got sued because this was a fire hazard.

[The Naitch]

red x paradise

[Azriel]

Damn, now this is what you call a bump.

[nelioneil]

Why would someone want to bump this thread

[Azriel]

Nothing else better to do I imagine.

[The Show Off]

Holy Super Bump Batman

[Corkscrewed]

What the hell.. Naitch, this is uncharacteristically uncool of you to bump something a year old...

[nWo 4 Life]

Corky, spit apple in his face

[Funky Fly]

Naitch, you dick.