Wrestlemania 24 Spoilers!

[Goulet]

With Wrestlemania on the horizon, speculation has already began to abound as to what we could possibly expect this year out of the Grand Daddy of them All. Yes, a Grand-Daddy. A Grand-Daddy that is only 24 years old, but a Grand-Daddy nonetheless. Maybe Wrestlemania was raised by a single mother in a Trailer park and thus thought starting a family as well relatively young would give its tumultuous life purpose? Or perhaps, Wrestlemania was sexually abused by its mother's vagrant boyfriend, thus spawning a need to gain attention by easily putting out? Wait, what were we talking about again? Oh ya, Wrestlemania. This coming March(?) will mark the 24th installment of the mega-event, and I've heard through my super secret, yet ultra-reliable source who wishes to remain anonymous, RD Reynolds, that the WWE brain-trust, or trust anyway, have already began assembling a card that will by all accounts BLOW YOUR MIND. And sadly, I mean that literally. The completely mind-numbing booking ahead will likely cause you to eat a shotgun. But hey, what can you do? ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE WWE~! ...but usually just the same exact things forever. Yup.

That said, here's the current leaked card as it stands right now!



After vanquishing every challenger placed in front of him, and on the heels of banishing Randy Orton for eternity to the Phantom Zone, Super Cena will need an opponent for Wrestlemania. One that can give the invincible Krypton Massachusetts native a serious run for his money. And thus, WWE has opted to book the Champ in three separate challenges in one evening. Because, let's face it, if WWE crowds are to be believed with their love, the demand for more John Cena is at an all-time high. Trust us.

With that in mind, after searching low and lower for opponents to feed Cena like Stephanie tackling a Continental breakfast, WWE realized that no mortal man of THIS WORLD could survive the deadly onslaught of the former Doctor of Thuganomics. (The STFU only looks like he's just lying there. Seriously). As a result, WWE has decided the best course of action to create a competent foe for the champ, is to somehow create a hole in the fabric of time (usually created after a Great Khali match) and pluck Cena's otherworldly counterpart from the Mirror Universe. You see, the thinking from the office is the only man able to defeat John Cena, would be John Cena himself. However, the complexity of deciding a winner between equal forces unwilling to ever do jobs each battling to overcome the odds is far more complicated to fathom than trying to comprehend what the Universe was like before time and space. Needless to say, the heads of WWE Creative were said to explode, yet surprisingly, there was no mess to clean up. Strange.

However, as luck would have it, this impossible scenario, that let's face it, would cause WWE to charge us upwards of 500 million each for the PPV (A plan they hoped to implement anyway next year) due to its time-limit reaching infinity, WILL NOT happen after all; because it was discovered that since it was the Mirror Universe, THIS Cena was vulnerable, beloved by fans everywhere bar women and small children, cut captivating deep promos, and was never predominantly a fixture in the WWE (EWW Title) picture. You know, the opposite of Earth Cena. And thus, Earth's John Cena will handily defeat Mirror Cena, due to mirror Cena's track record of never overcoming odds and losing every match he's in. He'll then be immediately sent back to his universe, along with anyone with a disturbing goatee, just in case. (Jim Neidhart is said to be shaving as speak).



With Mirror Cena dispatched, WWE Creative soon turned their attention to another untapped and seemingly overwhelming odd for the Champ to overcome. And the matches they've booked may surprise you. Next up, John Cena will battle ADULT ILLITERACY. That's right, if all goes right, The Dr. of Thuganomics will trade in that degree (earned at the same University that educated the feet of Rob Van Dam) for a MASTERS IN LITERATURE, and soon, he will have even the most stubborn non-readers comprehending completely legit words like FU and STFU. It's all part of WWE's plan to eliminate Illiteracy once and for all! And they've already put the plan into motion. You see, WWE head writer and by gawd genius Stephanie McMahon has personally created the first ever WWE Anti-Illiteracy program. Just write them at Stamford CT., and they'll mail out a full pamphlet with the written instructions you'll need to finally begin ending your lifelong war with reading comprehension. Makes sense to me. So stay tuned to Wrestlemania! Because if all goes well, (and Cena's record speaks for itself) you'll soon "throw back" the books with ease and "shuffle all five knuckles" through its many pages in no time! WORD LIFE. ("Words" you'll understand!).


And finally, Wrestlemania's triple-Main Event will conclude with John Cena's most daunting challenge EVER: RACIAL INTOLERANCE. Yes, it's true. Racism is something WWE WON'T stand for. It's true. In fact, whenever they visit the un-named cities in other nations that are evil for having pride in their own customs and not being American, WWE does its best to promote tolerance. Mostly tolerance against not turning the channel after the disappointing Hornswoggle storyline, but tolerance nonetheless. In fact, before their release, African-American tag team Cryme Tyme did their best to dissuade ignorance and shatter all racial stereotypes by creating a positive Role model (Roll model?) for the young black culture to emulate, all while showing them that people of color could nonsensically steal everything from steaks to a retard's prescription medication, and then re-sell it for insultingly low prices. And they'd do this as the EQUAL of any two petty stereo-typical white criminals. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

That said, come Wrestlemania, WWE feels John Cena is THE MAN to finally get the job done (just not do one), and that JOB is to FINALLY undisputedly unite the races. After all, Cena himself knows all too well the plight of the black man, as he himself was one from 2003-2005. So who better?

And just how will this be accomplished, you ask? Well, first would obviously be through compassion. Followed by respect. And following that? A slew of jokes about homosexuality that will have all non-anal-seeking races of all shapes and sizes laughing in unison and sharing in the unified harmony that can only come when you alienate something different. Sounds like a great plan. And no doubt it's one that will DELIVER. If all goes to schedule, Wrestlemania will close with a feel-good moment not seen since the dead guy they exploited and the dead guy they erased shared a hug 4 years ago. It'll be glorious, heart-warming and emotional. Samoan savages, black stereotypes and really tall gibberish speaking Indians will all be arm and arm! Hell, throw in some retards and a few balaclava wearing Terrorists, and this display no doubt will change the course of human history, as all colors and creeds will embrace each other in the ultimate spectacle of acceptance and RESPECT. But hey, as a warning, still don't try and headbutt the Samoans or blacks. Their heads are unnaturally thick. You'll just hurt yourself.