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Old 10-27-2007, 10:19 AM   #1
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Batista Unleashed *BDCA*
I know everyone else here is reading A Lion's Tale or Bret Hart's book. But not me, I got Batista's because it is going to be pure awesome in its shittyness. I'm only up to page 12, and it is already awesomely bad. First off it reads like someone telling you what they did over the weekend. Plus, he or his ghost writer Jeremy Roberts assumes you are a retard. But here is the first juicy quote I have to share with everyone:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dancin' Dave
The thing I remember from her [Dave's Mom] working there were the big company picnics. Those were kind of cool. That's where I actaully had my first drink of beer, when I was eight or nine. I have a picture of it, too: I have a really big cup of beer in my hand and am wearing a KISS belt buckle. Real 1970s.

KISS was a hot rock band at the time. Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and Peter Criss were thr band members. They wore face paint, played heavy metal, and were huge at the time. They also had repuations of being wild men off stage, Frehely especially.
That is right, Batista assumes no one has ever heard of KISS, one of the biggest bands of all time. The band that had its own wrestler not to long ago. Has had a movie with 4 youths questing to see them live. Has had their faces plastarer on lunch boxes, video games, shirts, underwear, everything really. That is correct, the "Greatest Rock band of all time" KISS. And he assumes we aren't at very least vaguely familar with who they are. Dave Batstia, you are an amazing cock.
Last edited by BigDaddyCool; 10-27-2007 at 10:35 AM.
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Old 10-27-2007, 10:24 AM   #2
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lol real 1907s
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Old 10-27-2007, 10:26 AM   #3
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The company picnic
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Old 10-27-2007, 10:54 AM   #4
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Batista fans probably have no idea who KISS are. Be fair.
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Old 10-27-2007, 11:08 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kane Knight
Batista fans probably have no idea who KISS are. Be fair.
Everyone know who KISS.
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Old 10-27-2007, 11:47 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigDaddyCool
Everyone know who KISS.
Not the kiddies who go wild for the ANIMAL!
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Old 10-27-2007, 05:18 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kane Knight
Not the kiddies who go wild for the ANIMAL!
Yes they do.
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Old 10-27-2007, 10:55 AM   #8
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I hear his mom is a Queen fan.
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Old 10-27-2007, 11:10 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kane Knight
I hear his mom is a Queen fan.
Doesn't say anything about her taste in music, but she is a dyke.
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Old 10-27-2007, 11:11 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kane Knight
I hear his mom is a Queen fan.
That could be the greatest double entendre I have heard all year.
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Old 10-28-2007, 06:10 PM   #11
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lmao

Keep those quotes rolling when you find more.
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Old 10-28-2007, 06:13 PM   #12
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When the little children pick this book up expecting it to be a friendly auto biography ..
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Old 10-28-2007, 07:01 PM   #13
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Ironically, in 30 10 years no one will remember who the fuck Batista is.
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Old 10-28-2007, 07:10 PM   #14
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Mostly because in 10 weeks, he'll die.
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Old 10-28-2007, 07:11 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kane Knight
Mostly because in 10 weeks, he'll die.
*Crosses fingers*
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Old 10-28-2007, 07:11 PM   #16
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Here is another case of thinking we are retardedL

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bats
One of the things I had to deal with as a wrestler was my asthma.
I've been asthmatic since I was born. I'm not a doctor, obviously, but to give you a little background, asthma attacks your airways by ittiating the tubes that carry air in and out of your lungs. When you have an attack, the airways get inflamed and they narrow.
Honestly, the man doesn't think we know what asthma is.
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Old 10-28-2007, 07:18 PM   #17
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I'm pretty sure he is confusing his target demographic between:
a) kids that have the stupid bomb sign every damn time on Smackdown
b) himself
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Old 10-28-2007, 07:25 PM   #18
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Because I for the most part think indy wrestling is crap, he now thinks I'm a mark. So he asked me if I thought the wrestlers were really hitting each other. I answered, sometimes.
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Old 10-28-2007, 07:26 PM   #19
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How long would the book be without the padding, 5 pages?
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Old 10-28-2007, 07:29 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xero Limit 126
How long would the book be without the padding, 5 pages?
Hmmmmmmmmmm, it is 12 point font, double spaced. 18 point font headers like every other page. So...maybe 10 pages as real book.
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:19 PM   #21
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Another great quote comes from an explaintion on why he messed up his dads house as a teenage:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Young Davey Boy Tista
Because fuck you dad, that's why.
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:24 PM   #22
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Oh, and another even greater quote is him talking to a kid that later turns out to be a best friend of his, but this is their first encounter while he (Dave) is a life guard at a pool.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Life Gaurd Dave
If you don't fucking watch your mouth, I'm going to take you around back, spit on your ass and prison fuck you.
Yeah, taking a page from Iron Sheik's play book there.
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:24 PM   #23
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Who is he, Dave Chappelle now?
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:27 PM   #24
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Also, I have come to learn he never graduated from high school because he cut class all the time, or as they said back in the day, he ditched. That is right, he explains what ditching is in the book, because no one knows what that is.
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:40 PM   #25
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PRICELESS
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Old 10-29-2007, 12:59 PM   #26
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Man, sounds like Batista had some crazy nights

crazy crazy nights....



I'll get my coat....
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Old 10-29-2007, 01:19 PM   #27
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Around 2001 I was in an arcade and saw a Dance Dance Revolution video game. I played it and became hooked.

An arcade is a place where they used to have video games set up and you'd have to pay to play them anywhere from 25 cents to $2. My favorite, before DDR - which is a dancing game where you try to match the beats - was Pacman.

You see, you were this little yellow guy who looked like a pizza with a slice missing and he ate pellets and ghosts, and sometimes cherries.

Cherries, of course, are red fruit which grow on trees and are frequently used to garnish sundaes.

A garnish makes shit look nice.
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Old 10-29-2007, 04:54 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xero Limit 126
Around 2001 I was in an arcade and saw a Dance Dance Revolution video game. I played it and became hooked.

An arcade is a place where they used to have video games set up and you'd have to pay to play them anywhere from 25 cents to $2. My favorite, before DDR - which is a dancing game where you try to match the beats - was Pacman.

You see, you were this little yellow guy who looked like a pizza with a slice missing and he ate pellets and ghosts, and sometimes cherries.

Cherries, of course, are red fruit which grow on trees and are frequently used to garnish sundaes.

A garnish makes shit look nice.
Which begs the question: Does Dave explain what wrestling is?
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Old 11-02-2007, 11:15 AM   #29
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kane Knight
Which begs the question: Does Dave explain what wrestling is?
Yes he does. Well he kind of does. He explains his preception has changed.

I've just gotten past the part where he is no longer Deacon Batista but right before Evolution. Appearently WWE put a ton of time and effort into getting him decent. They even sent him over to Fit Finlay for a while. Finlay, Benoit, and Dave Taylor streched Bats until he started learning how to string a passable match together (They could have made a sit com about it, "3 Daves and a Murder"). Also from reading the book, Bats knows how a match should be wrestled and what would make it a five star match, which is a huge step above all the indy works of the world. Problem is he doesn't seem to be able to express that knowledge in the ring.

Also, I have focused on a lot of the neagtive things he has said, he also say a lot of positive things too. I'm starting to respect Dancin' Dave, still don't like him and he really should be a heel.

Last thing, interesting side note. According to Bats, D-Von's drink of choice is White Zinfandel. And when Bats drinks, it is malibu.
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Old 10-29-2007, 01:38 PM   #30
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Xero limit gots it, only with more curse for no real reason.
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Old 10-29-2007, 01:58 PM   #31
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I actually just got this book too cus it sounded interesting. I haven't read the whole thing yet, but I was skipping around at some bits and pieces. And one of the best things I read was about Flair being a senile driver.

"Ric insisted on driving. One time, we were going to Norfolk to do a show. Ric was at the wheel and we were lost, of course. We were completely on the wrong side of town. Ric tried to convince me and Hunter that they had moved the highway from one side of Norfolk to the other, and that's why we were lost, not because he had taken the wrong turn or anything.

"I'm telling you, I've been coming here for thirty years" he said. "They moved the freaking highway."

He was serious. And Hunter started giving him shit, and Ric started getting hot, trying to convince us they moved the highway from one side of the city to the other side. He just insisted he was right.

It wasn't uncommon for Ric to go up a one-way street the wrong way, or to go ninety miles in the wrong direction. But we were always so entertained by him that we didn't learn our lesson and kept letting him drive. "
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Old 10-29-2007, 02:47 PM   #32
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Here is a letter I just sent Bats:

Quote:
Originally Posted by BDC
Dear Mr. Batista,

I've been reading your book, and also reading reports about you on the internet and so forth. And from all of this, I think you are a huge piece of shit, but at least you tell it like it is. I respect the honestly. But the thing I don't get, is how are you not a heel? You should be a big bully/thug heel that dresses like a poor kid who just came into a bunch of money. Basically how you really are. Next smackdown, just beat the shit out of Rey and declare that you aren't going to let anyone have a crack at your title. And when Vicky tells you otherwise, slap her. It would make for amazing tv and drive up the ratings. You want to be the one that saves wrestling right? And you can do that better as the real Dave Bautista than this made up Dave Batista guy that is completely unrelatable. Plus you said you like the heels more.

-Josh "U-Betcha" Becka.
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Old 10-29-2007, 04:57 PM   #33
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Funnily enough, that's the only thing he doesn't understand.
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Old 11-02-2007, 11:40 AM   #34
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For some rasin I'd like to hear Bats explain what Fraggle Rock is....
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Old 11-02-2007, 11:45 AM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FourFifty
For some rasin I'd like to hear Bats explain what Fraggle Rock is....
The word is reason or raisin. Learn to spell.

(This has been a *BDCA* proof reading)
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Old 11-03-2007, 01:25 AM   #36
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To be honest, I'm actually fairly intrigued by Batista' new book. From what I heard, he makes a lot of controversial comments towards other wrestlers. Like it or not, that's smart business on Batista's part. Controversy creates cash.

Similarily, Bret's book will also be controversial since half of it will "most likely" be devoted to Shawn Michaels, Vince McMahon, and the 1997 Montreal Screw Job.

Jericho's book doesn't have much interest for me (although to be fair, I'm not sure what topics he'll discuss). I get the feeling that he'll just talk about his early career, Chris Benoit, and Fozzy.

Batista talking shit in his book = ratings.
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Old 11-03-2007, 11:29 AM   #37
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Here are some more quotes:

Dave on Shane Helms:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave
He's my boy. Even though he is an abrasive dick head.
Here is just a funny story involing Ron Simmons:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dancin' Dave
We (D-Von and Bats) worked a match with him (Ron Simmons) and I accidently thumbed him in the eye...After the match we got backstage ahead of him. I told D-Von that Ron was going to kill me. Then Ron came in and I started apologizing all over the place.
"Hey, Ron, I'm sorry." I told him. "I'm really sorry."
"For what?" He said. His eye was pretty much swelled shut.
"Your eye. I'm sorry I thumbed you."
"My eye?"
Yeah, really I'm sorry. I didn't do it on purpose. This was just an accident."
"This? Naaaaaaaahhhh, man, I just have some sweat in my eye."
On Arn, this is after a stunt where HHH, Ric, and Bats all get their tights pulled down during a triple sunset flip or something and them running around the ring with their asses hanging out.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dave
Arn Anderson was the agent on the house show, and he was backstage. We walked back into the locker room and there he was, up on a chair, one end of his belt tied around his neck, the other in his hand about to be tied to a pipe.
He'd seen enough. He was ready to hang himself.
It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen.
Last edited by BigDaddyCool; 11-03-2007 at 12:03 PM.
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Old 11-03-2007, 11:50 AM   #38
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OMG. That was awesome.
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Old 11-03-2007, 07:56 PM   #39
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There is a road story in there call Chicago, Bound for Omaha. I'm not going to print all of it, but it is fucking hilarious. It involves Lashley saying "Don't mess with me, man. I beat people up of a living." A clerk with an airline searching for a boarding pass machine in wrestler's luggage. And all sorts of tom-foolery.

Batista's thoughts on people that don't want to be champion:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Batista
I look down on anybody who doesn't aspire to be the champion. I don't understand how they could even be in the business if they didn't want to be on top
Strong words froma strong man.

Batista on Christian:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bats
This is just my personal feeling, but I always felt like Jay was never really given his fair shot in WWE.
Batista while giving JBL a suplex:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bats
"You're heavy," I told him.
"I've been on vaction."
Anyway we went through the move and I got him upside and we're starting to fall and he just started yelling at me, "I've been on vacation! Take it easy! I've been on vacation!"
There is another story in there about JBL getting drunk, puking, drinking more and peeing his pants.
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Old 11-03-2007, 08:24 PM   #40
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I thought this thread was gonna be soooo fucking awful but this is comic gold.
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