Favourite Simpsons Quotes [Archive]

IC Champion

01-08-2010, 09:04 PM

Post your favourite simpsons quotes and lines here.

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IC Champion

01-08-2010, 09:07 PM

“Thank the Lord”? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don’t have a place within an organized religion.

Cool King

01-08-2010, 09:07 PM

0:08

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Jeritron

01-08-2010, 09:08 PM

IC Champion

01-08-2010, 09:08 PM

"Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish. Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? "Why did I have the bowl?" - Milhouse.

IC Champion

01-08-2010, 09:09 PM

Lock Jaw

01-08-2010, 10:11 PM

Bart: "Mom, it's hard for us to leave when you're standing in our way."
Homer: "Push her down, son."

Xero

01-08-2010, 10:14 PM

"GO BANANA!"

Impact!

01-09-2010, 12:06 AM

I'm dying Moe
Is there anything I can do professor?
Not unless you have a cure for cancer...do you have a cure for cancer?...Coz that would be great!
I'm sorry professor...
Goodbye Moe

Vietnamese Crippler

01-09-2010, 12:14 AM

"To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!" - Homer Simpson

Vietnamese Crippler

01-09-2010, 12:15 AM

Homer: [slams the door] Why do you mock me, O Lord?
Marge: Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up
there.
[Marge scrapes it off into Homer's hands]
Homer: I know I shouldn't eat thee, but -- [bites] Mmm, sacrilicious.
</pre>

Supreme Olajuwon

01-09-2010, 12:27 AM

We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Supreme Olajuwon

01-09-2010, 12:28 AM

My story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" because the Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles. (the children laugh) What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem! Now, I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet...

Supreme Olajuwon

01-09-2010, 12:29 AM

put out an APB on a uosdwis r. dewoh...better start in Greek town

Supreme Olajuwon

01-09-2010, 12:30 AM

Did you know every good American is at heart an erotic American?

:heart:

Vietnamese Crippler

01-09-2010, 01:04 AM

Homer: Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent.
Fourteen percent of all people know that.
</pre>

Vietnamese Crippler

01-09-2010, 01:05 AM

Homer: What is the mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.

Supreme Olajuwon

01-09-2010, 01:15 AM

throwing out the tracy ullman lines

classy

toxic rooster

01-09-2010, 01:28 AM

I have had it, I have HAD IT with this school, Skinner. The low test scores. Class after class of ugly, ugly children

toxic rooster

01-09-2010, 01:29 AM

Authorities say the phony pope can be identified by his high-top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

Ol Dirty Dastard

01-09-2010, 01:59 AM

Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping sound.
Gas attendant: I think that's your heart... and it sounds like it's on it's last thump.
Homer: PHEW! I thought it was my transmission *drives off*
Billy: Hey where's that man going?
Gas attendant: Billy... remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
Billy: We're gonna sell him to Mr. Nikapopolous?
Gas attendant: You're a dull boy Billy.

Vietnamese Crippler

01-09-2010, 02:07 AM

Bart: Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.

Arnold HamNegger

01-09-2010, 02:29 AM

Stupid Sexy Flanders!

The Destroyer

01-09-2010, 07:39 AM

My all time favourite Homer rant, from Lisa's Rival:

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

And a classic Lionel Hutz exchange:
Lionel Hutz: Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck! Your sexual harassment case is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice! (he produces a bottle from his desk) Care to join me in a belt of scotch?
Marge: It's 9:30 in the morning!
Lionel Hutz: Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. (he takes a generous swig) Last chance! (Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle) Oh, yeah....

Fox

01-09-2010, 11:09 AM

BURNS: You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate one million dollars to the children's orphanage... when pigs fly!

(They laugh hysterically. A pig goes flying past the window and they both slowly stop laughing.)

SMITHERS ...will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?

BURNS: Mmm... I'd still prefer not."

Blue Demon

01-09-2010, 11:16 AM

"It's funny 'cos it's someone else" Homer (Driving by an accident I think?)

Supreme Olajuwon

01-09-2010, 11:18 AM

Ralph: Lisa, what's the answer to number seven?
Lisa: Sorry, Ralph. That would defeat the purpose of testing as a means of student evaluation.
Ralph: My cat's name is Mittens.

Cool King

01-09-2010, 11:21 AM

"It's funny 'cos it's someone else" Homer (Driving by an accident I think?)

Don't you mean "It's funny 'cause I don't know him"?

That's when Homer is watching a driver's education film that's got footage of car crash victims.

Jeritron

01-09-2010, 11:28 AM

Spare me your euphemisms! It's fat camp, for Daddy's chubby little secret!

Supreme Olajuwon

01-09-2010, 12:06 PM

We'll be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We're gonna live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!

Supreme Olajuwon

01-09-2010, 12:20 PM

Lisa: That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love.
Homer: OK, hon... sucker! Competitive violence, that's why you're here!

Supreme Olajuwon

01-09-2010, 12:21 PM

Hired goons?

Blue Demon

01-09-2010, 12:41 PM

Don't you mean "It's funny 'cause I don't know him"?

That's when Homer is watching a driver's education film that's got footage of car crash victims.

Indeed. I believe that's it.

El Fangel

01-09-2010, 12:45 PM

"God forgive me, I just aint that bright" - H.J Simpson

XCaliber

01-09-2010, 01:44 PM

Abe "Grampa" Simpson: Latex Condo... boy i'd sure like to live in one of those!

El Fangel

01-09-2010, 01:50 PM

Dental Plan, Lisa Needs Braces.

Buzzkill

01-09-2010, 02:57 PM

Damn I can't think of any this is terrible.

I've seen seasons 1-8 like 2903 times :(

IC Champion

01-09-2010, 04:23 PM

Damn I can't think of any this is terrible.

I've seen seasons 1-8 like 2903 times :(

So you've seen every episode worth watching.

Cool King

01-09-2010, 04:40 PM

I'm a bit surprised that nobody has said "D'oh!" yet.

parkmania

01-09-2010, 10:25 PM

Ha-ha! - Nelson

Lock Jaw

01-09-2010, 10:45 PM

Lenny: "It's a secret..."
Karl: "Shut uuuuuup!"

Vietnamese Crippler

01-09-2010, 10:46 PM

Xero

01-09-2010, 11:10 PM

Never understood why they didn't put that Richard Simmons gag in. It was hilarious.

Maybe timing issues.

Lock Jaw

01-10-2010, 01:02 AM

"KKK?! That's NOT good!"

"Let's just say it moved me... TO A BIGGER HOUSE!! Ohhh... I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet."

IC Champion

01-10-2010, 03:57 AM

Homer: Bart, you're coming home.
Bart: I want to stay here with Mr. Burns.
Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.
Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with
bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
Well, go ahead -- do your worst!
[Burns slams the door and locks it]
[disbelieving] He locked the door! I'll show him -- [rings the
doorbell and runs away]

Or the outtake:

Mr. Burns: My worst, eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.
</pre>

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Blitz

01-10-2010, 04:16 AM

They call 'em fingers, but I never seem 'em fing. Oh, there they go.
-Otto

Skippord

01-10-2010, 06:15 AM

Marge (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001413/): C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.
Homer (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0144657/): That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.
Marge (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001413/): Homer.
Homer (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0144657/): What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Chief Wiggum (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system.
Car System: Car gone Car gone!
Chief Wiggum (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to?
Car System: Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

Homer (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0144657/): I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Homer's ghost (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0144657/): Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.
Marge (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001413/): Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...
Homer's ghost (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0144657/): Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

Skippord

01-10-2010, 06:16 AM

Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): If the house catches fire, call this number.
Marge (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001413/): Uh-huh. The fire department.
Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): Yes. They're new. But they're good.

Skippord

01-10-2010, 06:16 AM

Kent Brockman (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.
Homer (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0144657/): How do you come up with such witty remarks?
[focuses in on ear plug/mic]
Guy in the van: I guess you could say its my racket.
Kent Brockman (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.
Homer (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0144657/): Get off my property.

Skippord

01-10-2010, 06:18 AM

Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): You mean I have pneumonia?
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): Yes.
Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): Juvenile diabetes?
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): Yes.
Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): Hysterical pregnancy?
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have several diseases that have just been discovered - in you.
Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): I see. You sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): Uh, no, no, I'm afraid not.
Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): This sounds like bad news.
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): Well, you'd think so, but all of your diseases are in perfect balance. Uh, if you have a moment, I can explain.
Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): Well...
[looks at his watch]
Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): [the Doctor puts a tiny model house door on his desk]
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): Here's the door to your body, see?
[bring up some small fuzz balls with goofy faces and limbs from under the desk]
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): And these are oversized novelty germs.
[points to a different one up as he names each disease]
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): That's influenza, that's bronchitis,
[holds up one]
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): and this cute little cuddle-bug is pancreatic cancer. Here's what happens when they all try to get through the door at once.
[tries to cram a bunch through the model door. The "germs" get stuck]
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): [Stooge-like] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Move it, chowderhead.
[normal voice]
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): We call it, "Three Stooges Syndrome".
Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): So what you're saying is, I'm indestructible.
Doctor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): Oh, no, no, in fact, even slight breeze could...
Mr. Burns (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): Indestructible.

Vietnamese Crippler

01-10-2010, 06:20 AM

Abe: What, seeeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeex.

Skippord

01-10-2010, 06:22 AM

[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants]
Ned Flanders (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): I really hate to be a snitch.
Chief Wiggum (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.
Ned Flanders (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.
Bart (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0004813/): It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.

The MAC

01-10-2010, 07:35 AM

"i dunno marge, "trying" is the first step towards failure"- homer

FearedSanctity

01-10-2010, 09:47 AM

0:13

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The Destroyer

01-10-2010, 10:37 AM

Homer rants are the best. From Secrets of a Successful Marriage:

Marge: Mmm, I'm happy about that. But I think you can be a good teacher and still respect our privacy.
Homer: Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. _I'm_ the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! _You're_ out of order. The whole freaking _system_ is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown.
Marge: Homer, don't _ever_ tell them personal stuff about me again!
Homer: [meek] Yes ma'am.

Tornado

01-10-2010, 10:37 AM

Mr Simpson, this is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against The Never-Ending Story.

Cool King

01-10-2010, 11:08 AM

Homer: Oh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the magical man from Happyland, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Laaaane!

*Homer slams the bedroom door behind him and quickly opens it again*

Homer: Oh, by the way, I was being sarcastic!

Marge: Well, duh!

----

Lyle Lanley: I'm here to answer any questions you have about the monorail.

Kid 1: Can it outrun The Flash?

Lyle Lanley: You bet!

Kid 2: Can Superman outrun The Flash?

Lyle Lanley: Uh, sure, why not?

----

Homer: Do you want to change your name to Homer Junior? The kids can call you HoJu!

*Awkward silence*

Bart: I'll get back to you.

----

*A ghost of Moe appears behind the bar*

Moe: So, what'll it be, Homer?

Homer: Moe, gimme a beer!

Moe: No. Not unless you kill your family.

Homer: Why should I kill my family?

Moe: Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.

Homer: You don't look so happy.

Moe: Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! See? Now waste your family and I'll give you a beer!

----

And also....

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The Destroyer

01-10-2010, 11:34 AM

Grampa: Son, you're as stupid as a mule and twice as ugly. So if a stranger offers you a ride, I'd say take it.

weather vane

01-10-2010, 01:04 PM

Homer: Oh my God! Underage kids drinking without a permit!

Evil Vito

01-10-2010, 01:39 PM

Mr. Burns: "One dollar for eternal happiness? Hmm...I think I'd be happier WITH the dollar."

Jeritron

01-10-2010, 02:22 PM

Does anybody have change for a button?

Supreme Olajuwon

01-10-2010, 02:45 PM

Homer rants are the best.

Yes

From Fear of Flying

Homer: Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero...I want to live, Marge! Won't you let me live? Won't you please?!

Blitz

01-10-2010, 03:36 PM

Homer: How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.

Supreme Olajuwon

01-10-2010, 03:40 PM

http://deadhomersociety.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/bart-after-dark1.png?w=512&h=384

I have misplaced my pants.

Buzzkill

01-10-2010, 03:57 PM

NOT A FAVORITE but just popped in my head:

Burns: Damnit Smithers it's not rocket science, it's brain surgery!

Cool King

01-10-2010, 04:14 PM

Bart: So I said to Mabel, I said....

Buzzkill

01-10-2010, 04:18 PM

Reading over this thread makes me really hate family guy a lot

Innovator

01-10-2010, 04:39 PM

Homer: "You'll have to speak up I'm wearing a towel"

Homer: "Hospital Please"

toxic rooster

01-10-2010, 04:48 PM

Reading over this thread makes me really hate family guy a lot

Wee Gooner likes this

Cool King

01-10-2010, 05:00 PM

Australian Man: You call that a knife? THIS is a knife!

*The Australian Man brandishes a spoon*

Bart: That's not a knife, that's a spoon.

Australian Man: Alright, alright, you win. I see you've played Knifey-Spoony before.

Xero

01-10-2010, 05:21 PM

"Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?"

toxic rooster

01-10-2010, 06:13 PM

So Ned, do you like dune buggies?

IC Champion

01-10-2010, 06:26 PM

Vietnamese Crippler

01-10-2010, 06:43 PM

Smithers: Mr. Simpson, are you listening? [Homer eats an orange] Simpson?!
Homer: Huh? Yeah, I was listening. Very funny.
Moe: Oh, you were not! You were just eating a damn orange.
Homer: Well, yes, yes, to the untrained eye, I'm eating an orange, but to
the eye that has brains, I'm making a point about
marriage! For you see, marriage is a lot like an orange.
First, you have the skin...then the sweet, sweet innards...
[devours it]
</pre>

Vietnamese Crippler

01-10-2010, 06:46 PM

Zombie Flanders: Hey Simpson! I'm feeling a mite peckish.
[sinisterly] Mind if I chew your EAR?

Homer wastes him.

Bart: Dad, you killed the Zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a Zombie!?
</pre>

owenbrown

01-10-2010, 06:59 PM

toxic rooster

01-10-2010, 07:02 PM

She's not going to leave you right before Valentine's Day. That'd be like going to an air show and leaving before the plane crash.

Cool King

01-10-2010, 07:39 PM

Millhouse: Everything's coming up Millhouse!

Supreme Olajuwon

01-10-2010, 07:47 PM

Homer: I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

Vietnamese Crippler

01-10-2010, 07:50 PM

Dr. J. Loren Pryor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.
Marge Simpson (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001413/): Bart's gay?
Dr. J. Loren Pryor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): Bart?
[looks at the file]
Dr. J. Loren Pryor (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0790434/): Ah, whoo, wrong file.
[puts the file, labeled "Milhouse Van Houten," back]

Vietnamese Crippler

01-10-2010, 07:57 PM

Hospital Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.
Dr. Nick (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): But I cleaned them with my napkin.

Hospital Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers.
Dr. Nick (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000279/): I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.
</pre>

toxic rooster

01-10-2010, 09:38 PM

Heavyweight boxing? Homer, of all the dumb things you've ever done, this one ranks somewhere in the middle.

Lock Jaw

01-10-2010, 10:55 PM

(Nelson is punching Drederick Tatum)
Nelson: Waaaaaaaaa Please don't hurt me...
Tatum: You leave me little recourse.

DaveWadding

01-10-2010, 11:02 PM

"Does whiskey count as beer?"

"Donuts -- is there anything they CAN'T do?"

"I call the big one Bitey."

Supreme Olajuwon

01-11-2010, 08:51 AM

Mr. Burns: Look at him strutting around like he's cock of the walk. Well, let me tell you. Homer Simpson is cock of nothing!

The Mackem

01-11-2010, 09:40 AM

Marge: Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table!
Homer: You said the breakfast table.
Marge: It's the same table!

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't wanna snuggle with Max Power!
Homer: Nobody snuggles with Max Power - You strap yourself in and feel the G's!
Marge: Oh Lord...
Homer: And it doesn't stop in the bedroom! Oh no! I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things! The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!
Bart: Isn't that the wrong way??
Homer: Yeah, but faster!

Homer: (as town crier) Hear ye, hear ye! What's for breakfast?
Marge: Toast.
Homer: I can't understand thee, Marge.
Marge: (sighs) Ye olde toast.
Homer: Woo-hoo!

Supreme Olajuwon

01-11-2010, 09:56 AM

Hee hee look at this country. U r gay.

Cool King

01-11-2010, 09:58 AM

Ms Krabappel: Our demands are very reasonable. By ignoring them, you're selling out these children's futures!

Principal Skinner: Oh come on Edna, we both know that these children HAVE no future!

*School kids gasp*

*Awkward silence*

Principal Skinner: Haha, Prove me wrong kids, prove me wrong.

Supreme Olajuwon

01-11-2010, 09:59 AM

Homer: But Marge I was a political prisoner.
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

DaveWadding

01-11-2010, 10:16 AM

mitchables

01-11-2010, 10:28 AM

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.
Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.
Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.
Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.
Marge: That's not what I meant.
Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

-----

Marge: Homer! Come quick! Bart's quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

-----

Hutz: Now Marge, you've come to the right place. By hiring me as your lawyer, you also get this smoking monkey.
[sniff] Better cut down there, Smokey! [laughs]
Marge: Mr. Hutz!
Hutz: [excited] Look - he's taking another puff!
Marge: Mr. Hutz! This was all a misunderstanding; I didn't mean to take anything. [Lionel disappointedly drops the smoking monkey in a drawer full of identical critters]
Hutz: Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I - uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me ever since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace the word 'accidently' with 'repeatedly', and the word 'dog' with 'son'.

-----

Hutz: Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, and I couldn't help overhearing that you need a babysitter. Of course, being a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
Homer: We pay eight dollars for the night, and you can take two popsicles out of the freezer.
Hutz: Three.
Homer: Two.
Hutz: OK, two. And I get to keep this old bird cage.
Homer: Done!
Hutz: [proudly] Still got it.

A lot of my favourites have been posted already, since I got here uncharacteristically late.

Blitz

01-11-2010, 10:28 AM

Grampa Simpson: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is *not* a porn star!

Tornado

01-11-2010, 12:35 PM

"Yes Bart, and in Rand McNally they wear hats on their heads and hamburgers eat people"

Lock Jaw

01-11-2010, 02:46 PM

"WHO can prevent forest fires?"-"You have selected 'you', referring to me. This is incorrect. The correct answer is YOU!"

DaveBrawl

01-11-2010, 03:37 PM

Marge: This is the most exciting scandal since the Juice was on the loose.

Lisa: The Juice is still on the loose.

Marge: Naaaah!

toxic rooster

01-11-2010, 04:08 PM

Stupid Phil Hartman had to go and die :(

Cool King

01-11-2010, 04:10 PM

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Smoke Yourself Thin" and "Get Confident, Stupid!"."

Cool King

01-11-2010, 04:12 PM

Would you look at that, just after you said something about Phil Hartman, I went a posted one of his lines. :p

Coincidence.

Supreme Olajuwon

01-11-2010, 04:21 PM

The Contrabulous Fabtraption of Professor Horatio Hufnagel

Supreme Olajuwon

01-11-2010, 04:22 PM

Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out'

toxic rooster

01-11-2010, 04:22 PM

I honestly didn't even realise until I thought about Phil Hartman's death just before that Lionel Hutz and Troy McClure haven't been on the show in 10 years :(

Supreme Olajuwon

01-11-2010, 04:23 PM

Locker Room Towel Fights: The Blinding of Larry Driscoll

toxic rooster

01-11-2010, 04:27 PM

Man versus Nature: The Road to Victory

loopydate

01-11-2010, 04:36 PM

Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die - and Gladys, the Groovy Mule!

Supreme Olajuwon

01-11-2010, 04:39 PM

You might remember me from other such show business funerals as Andre the Giant: We Hardly Knew Ye and Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn a Stooge

The Destroyer

01-11-2010, 04:51 PM

Kind of reminded by Supreme's quote there:

Dick Cavett: Let's walk and talk. I, uh, I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.
Homer: Er, can't, I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo.
Dick: Hey, me too. We can go together.
Homer: Um...no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick.
Dick: Heh heh, your...churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho and --
Homer: Look, you're going to be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it.

Lock Jaw

01-11-2010, 04:52 PM

"He can talk, he can talk, he can talk, he can talk...."-"I CAN SIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!"

"I hate every ape I see... from Chimpan-A to Chimpanzee..."

Cool King

01-11-2010, 04:59 PM

Beat me to it.

I was just about to post a clip of that, Lock Jaw.

The Mackem

01-11-2010, 05:09 PM

Listening to 'In the garden of eden' from the show.

Supreme Olajuwon

01-11-2010, 05:14 PM

YOU TRADED MY SOUL FOR POGS?!

Jeritron

01-11-2010, 05:21 PM

Cool King

01-11-2010, 07:16 PM

Kirk Van Houten: It's a door! Use it!

Homer: That's a door?

Lock Jaw

01-11-2010, 07:40 PM

Reiner Wolfcastle rules as well!

"Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers."

"UP AND AT THEM!"

"Ahhh! My eyes!! The goggles do nothing!!"

To a piece of pie: "Remember when I said I'd eat you last? I LIED."

"Laughing time is over."

"Someone please, give me a job. I lowered my quote to $8 million. I do nude scene, I play nerd. Don't make me punch your throat!"

Vietnamese Crippler

01-11-2010, 08:01 PM

Vietnamese Crippler

01-11-2010, 08:03 PM

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Worker: Okay. What's your first name, Mr. Burns?
Homer: ...I don't know.

Cool King

01-11-2010, 08:06 PM

Guy: Greetings, good men. Might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe: Oh, get out of here, Homer.
Guy: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito.
[he gets beaten up and tossed out, unconscious]
Homer: [walks up, looks at Guy] [gasps] Oh my God! This man is my exact
double. [gasps] Oh my God! That dog has a puffy tail!
[he chases it, giggling] Here, Puff! Here, Puff!
</pre>

I was just watching that clip yesterday on YouTube. :lol:

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/eZ3P8KTz8KI&hl=en_GB&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/eZ3P8KTz8KI&hl=en_GB&fs=1&color1=0x3a3a3a&color2=0x999999" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

Cool King

01-11-2010, 08:07 PM

toxic rooster

01-11-2010, 08:57 PM

*Homer building barbecue*

English side...ruined....must use French instructions. Le grill....what the hell is that?

Savio

01-11-2010, 09:55 PM

Marge: I really wish you gave that money to the starving children
Homer: They're with god now honey.

Dark-Slicer Diago

01-11-2010, 10:16 PM

Bart: Ah, yeah is Mike there, last name crotch
Moe: Hang on let me check, My Crotch, My Crotch, hey anybody seen My Crotch lately?
(laughter)
Moe: You little PUKE, one of these days I'm gonna catch you.

Fryza

01-11-2010, 10:22 PM

"Simpson. Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history! From the, town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree... Ahhh!"

Vietnamese Crippler

01-11-2010, 10:22 PM

Moe: When I catch you, I'll gonna pull out your eyes and shove them down your pants so you can watch me kick the crap out of you, okay?! And I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat.

mitchables

01-11-2010, 10:26 PM

"Asleep at the switch". I wasn't asleep! I was drunk!

mitchables

01-11-2010, 10:30 PM

Homer: What does "sequestered" mean?
Skinner: If the jury is deadlocked they're put up in a hotel together so they can't communicate with the outside world.
Homer: What does "deadlocked" mean?
Skinner: It's when the jury can't agree on a verdict.
Homer: Uh huh. And "if"?
Skinner: A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition that".
Homer: So if we don't all vote the same way, we'll be deadlocked and have to be sequestered in the Springfield Palace Hotel--
Patty: That's not going to happen, Homer.
Jasper: Let's vote. My liver is failing.
Homer: -- where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO -- Ooh! "Free Willy"!
Skinner: Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little if anything to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote!
Homer: Uh, how are the rest of you voting?
Everyone: Guilty.
Homer: OK, fine. How many S's in "innocent"?
Everyone: *groans*
Homer: I'm only doing what I think is right. I believe Freddy Quimby should walk out of here a free hotel.

IC Champion

01-12-2010, 01:34 AM

*Homer building barbecue*

English side...ruined....must use French instructions. Le grill....what the hell is that?

<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/edLEI1op4Rg&hl=en_US&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/edLEI1op4Rg&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>

IC Champion

01-12-2010, 01:41 AM

Milhouse Van Houten: I hate these flood pants.
[opens door and water comes in up to his ankles]
Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!

Nervous Ferret

01-12-2010, 04:04 AM

THRILLHOUSE

IC Champion

01-12-2010, 04:16 AM

IC Champion

01-12-2010, 04:18 AM

Lock Jaw

01-12-2010, 04:22 AM

Class: "Lisa likes Nelson!"
Milhouse: "She does not!"
Class: "Milhouse likes Lisa!"
Janey: "He does not!"
Class: "Janey likes Milhouse!"
Music Teacher: "Enough! NOBODY likes Milhouse!"

IC Champion

01-12-2010, 04:26 AM

IC Champion

01-12-2010, 04:27 AM

Vietnamese Crippler

01-12-2010, 04:31 AM

Scully: Now, we're going to run a few tests. This is a simple lie
detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just
answer truthfully. Do you understand?
Homer: Yes. [the polygraph explodes]

--------------------------------------
Mulder: Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?
Scully: No point. I just thought he could stand to lose a little
weight.
Mulder: His jiggling is almost hypnotic.
Scully: Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

</pre>

Brujesino

01-12-2010, 05:26 AM

Supreme Olajuwon

01-12-2010, 09:24 AM

My chunky brothers, gorge yourselves at the troughs of freedom!

Supreme Olajuwon

01-12-2010, 09:26 AM

Supreme Olajuwon

01-12-2010, 09:29 AM

Cool King

01-12-2010, 05:07 PM

*Homer talking about Santa's Little Helper*

Homer: Oh, so that's what was wrong with the little fella. He misses casual sex.

The Mackem

01-12-2010, 05:29 PM

Dr. Foster: Yes, Dr. Foster here. ... Ned Flanders? You're sure?
... No, no, no, I'll come right over. And may God have
mercy on us all.
[hangs up]
Darling, there's an emergency at the hospital, uh, where
are my shoes?
Mrs. Foster: [sleepily] I think they're in the den.
Dr. Foster: The den? May God have mercy on us all.

The Mackem

01-12-2010, 05:30 PM

Homer: Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish
to the eyes of others.
Ned: Well howdy, Homer! [partition slides up] Ooh, thanks for
dropping by!
Foster: Hmm. He's not responding. [into microphone] Proceed to level 2
antagonism.
[slides down partition]
Homer: Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.
Ned: Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder. Heh heh. [partition
slides up] Ooh! Thanks for dropping by!
Foster: Ah, he's still repressing. [into microphone] Maximum hostility
factor.
[slide down partition]
Homer: I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other.
Now that's psychiatry! Eh? Eh?

The Mackem

01-12-2010, 05:31 PM

Ned thinks it's a joke, and Homer throws in the towel.

Homer: [directly towards mirror] Aw that's it, you just can't insult
this guy. You call him a moron and he just sits there, grinning
moronly.
Ned: [to mirror] Hi, neighbor!
Homer: You know what your problem is, Flanders? You're afraid to be
human.
Ned: Ho ho, now why would I be afraid of that?
Homer: Because humans are obnoxious, sometimes. Humans hate things.
Ned: Well, maybe a few of them do... back East.
Foster: I can't find what Homer's saying. Did you write that?
Doctor: Um, did you like it?

The Mackem

01-12-2010, 05:32 PM

Foster: He just said he hates his parents! Do you know what that means?
Doctor: Um, what do you think?
Foster: It means he's cured.
Doctor: That's what I said.

DaveWadding

01-12-2010, 05:51 PM

[Homer searches under the couch for a peanut]

Homer: Ah-ha! [looks, then says remorsefully] Oh, twenty dollars...I wanted a peanut!
Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!
Homer: Explain how.
Homer's brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Vietnamese Crippler

01-12-2010, 11:08 PM

Homer: Women are ravenous, blood-sucking monsters; always wanting more, more, MORE!

IC Champion

01-13-2010, 04:34 AM

"You got citric acid in my eye"

Lock Jaw

01-13-2010, 12:02 PM

"Ahhhh! My eye! I'm not supposed to get jigs in it!"

Buzzkill

01-14-2010, 01:21 PM

Saxamaphoooone....
Saxamaphooone

Innovator

01-14-2010, 02:31 PM

To alcohol, the cause of and solution to, all of life's problems

Blitz

01-14-2010, 03:08 PM

Supreme Olajuwon

01-14-2010, 06:33 PM

Bill Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.
Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Cool King

01-14-2010, 06:42 PM

"Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, then you're out on your ass!"

Vietnamese Crippler

01-14-2010, 07:34 PM

"To alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!" - Homer Simpson

To alcohol, the cause of and solution to, all of life's problems

Vietnamese Crippler

01-14-2010, 08:04 PM

Cool King

01-14-2010, 09:25 PM

Cool King

01-14-2010, 10:18 PM

Krusty The Clown: Herpes, herpes, bo-perpes, bonana-fanna foferpes. Herpes! Ow! (http://www.compsoc.com/~gav/krusty/herpes.wav)

Triple A

01-14-2010, 10:51 PM

Marge: Did anyone see that new Woodsy Allen movie?
Ned: You know, I like his films except for that nervous fellow that's always in them.

Vietnamese Crippler

01-14-2010, 10:55 PM

All my life, I have searched for a car that feels a certain way.
Powerful like a gorilla, yet soft and yielding like a Nerf ball.
Now, at last, I have found it.
</pre>

mitchables

01-15-2010, 12:36 AM

let's just say it moved me... TO A BIGGER HOUSE

mitchables

01-15-2010, 12:38 AM

Kua-la lum... KUA-la lum-pa... France.

Vietnamese Crippler

01-15-2010, 12:38 AM

"KKK?! That's NOT good!"

"Let's just say it moved me... TO A BIGGER HOUSE!! Ohhh... I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet."

let's just say it moved me... TO A BIGGER HOUSE

mitchables

01-15-2010, 12:39 AM

No goin' through the window for us!

mitchables

01-15-2010, 12:39 AM

that's great crip really.

Lock Jaw

01-15-2010, 01:02 AM

Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem! OH YEAH!

Cool King

01-15-2010, 06:46 AM

Cool King

01-15-2010, 06:50 AM

I would have posted the actual Canyonero clip but all I got was the German version and the English versions I did find had parts missing. :-\

There seems to be quite an abundance of Spanish and German Simpsons clips all over YouTube but hardly any English clips of what you're actually looking for. :wtf:

mitchables

01-15-2010, 06:59 AM

about now, you're probably saying, 'troy, i've seen every simpsons episode! you can't show me anything new!'... you've got some nerve, mister.

toxic rooster

01-15-2010, 07:29 PM

*marijuana smoke billows down the stairs*

Lisa: It smells like the art teacher's office!

toxic rooster

01-15-2010, 07:31 PM

I heartily endorse this event or product

toxic rooster

01-15-2010, 07:34 PM

"Hey Moe, this licence expired in 1973. And it's only good in Rhode Island. And it's signed by you"

"yeah yeah....I've been meaning to get that updated. For this state and....real"

toxic rooster

01-15-2010, 07:39 PM

"Are you a registered voter?"

"I'm a registered....something"

Supreme Olajuwon

01-15-2010, 07:42 PM

Moe: "You know what really aggrivases me? It's them immigints. They want all the benefits of livin' in Springfield, but they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language."
Homer: "Yeah, those are exactly my sentimonies."

toxic rooster

01-15-2010, 08:01 PM

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I'm around.

toxic rooster

01-15-2010, 08:02 PM

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

toxic rooster

01-15-2010, 08:05 PM

"Oh please. From what I hear, you waltz in there at 10:30, take a nap on the toilet then sit around Googling your own name until lunch."

"Who told you that?"

"You shouted it while we were making love"

toxic rooster

01-15-2010, 08:10 PM

*Otto walking out of Stoner's Pot Palace*

Man...that is flagrant false advertising!

toxic rooster

01-15-2010, 08:18 PM

Go ahead, drool all you want. You can't hurt that finish. Now rainwater, that'll strip it right off

deathtrap

01-15-2010, 09:17 PM

Billy and the Cloneasaraus

Cool King

01-15-2010, 09:32 PM

Chief Wiggum: What, what, what, what, whatwhatwhatwhat!? This better be about pizza.

Vietnamese Crippler

01-15-2010, 10:09 PM

Troy McClure: Don't kid yourself, Jimmy. If a cow ever got the chance, he'd eat you and everyone you care about!

Zeeboe

01-18-2010, 03:53 PM

The following are Homer Simpson quotes I live by:

"The only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves."

"You tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

Supreme Olajuwon

01-19-2010, 09:36 AM

That lemon tree is a part of our town, and as kids the backbone of our economy. We'll get it back, or choke their rivers with our dead!

Skippord

01-20-2010, 02:45 AM

Artie Ziff "I traveled the world and the seven sees, I am watching you through a camera"

RoXer

01-20-2010, 04:29 AM

P is for Psycho

Dial M for Murderousness

toxic rooster

01-20-2010, 06:35 AM

Sweet dreams and flying machines, flying safely through the air

toxic rooster

01-20-2010, 06:35 AM

Mr McClure, what does DNA stand for?

Vietnamese Crippler

01-20-2010, 07:25 AM

Dr. Nick: The knee bone's connected to the something, the something is connected to the red thing, the red thing is connected to my wrist watch -- Uh oh.

Vietnamese Crippler

01-20-2010, 07:25 AM

Dr. Nick: Well if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGregg — with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg

Cooler Tom Schuler

01-23-2010, 06:24 PM

Ralph: Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.

Wiggum: The baby looked at you? [picks up phone] Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers.

Blitz

01-23-2010, 06:28 PM

Homer-Operator, get me Thailand. T-I-....and so on.

Lock Jaw

01-23-2010, 06:35 PM

Homer: (Asking Santa's Little Helper to help him out with a word to describe the food) Come on, help me out here.
Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!
Homer: Rough? I don't know, you've been pitching that all night.
Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?
Homer: Chewy! That's inspired!

Editor: Homer what gives with this review? You say the salad tastes like "bark" and the potatoes were very "grrrrrrr". This reads like it was written by a dog.
Homer: Are you crazy? A dog can't type!…Unfortunately.

Vietnamese Crippler

01-23-2010, 08:43 PM

Grampa: Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch!

Supreme Olajuwon

01-24-2010, 02:01 AM

Guide: Welcome to the Springfield Shopper, established in 1883. The newspaper was founded by Johnny Newspaperseed, a 14 year-old boy who roamed America founding newspapers.
Homer: If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

Vietnamese Crippler

01-24-2010, 05:58 AM

Editor: Well, at least you like the food.
Homer: Oh, I like food alright ... [Homer breaks into song] I like pizza, I like bagels, I like hot dogs with mustard and beer
Editor: I get the picture
Homer: [continues, ignoring him] I'll eat eggplant, I could even eat a baby deer. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Who's that baby deer on the lawn there?
Editor: Enough already!
Homer: Sorry.

Tornado

01-24-2010, 06:11 AM

Krusty: Now, try and remember these funny place names:
Keokuck, Walla Walla, Cucamonga, Seattle.

Homer: Ahhhhahaha, stop it, you're killing me. "Seattle".

Krusty: Right, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the partys over right? WRONG!
*Throws pie*

Homer: *kill weathly dowager*

Drakul

01-24-2010, 10:29 PM

Faulty Malibu Stacey Doll: (Male voice) "My spidey senses are tingling. Anyone call for a webslinger?"

mitchables

01-24-2010, 10:34 PM

the coroner? i'm so sick of that guy.

mitchables

01-24-2010, 10:35 PM

it's such a lovely day. i think i'll go through the window!

mitchables

01-24-2010, 10:37 PM

Homer: [looking at Bart through Kissinger's glasses] Lisa, just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.
Bart: I'm Bart.

Lock Jaw

01-25-2010, 12:27 AM

Your flower power is no match for my GLOWER power! NNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG!

Triple A

01-25-2010, 12:43 AM

Jerry: Pigskin Preview: Denver-Green Bay -- Who do you like?
Al: That's football, right? [the trio laughs] Well, I'm going to take the Broncos in this game, because the Packers will be blinded by Jerry's tie. [more laughter]
Homer: Heh-heh-heh. Tremendous
Jerry: I'm more worried about Al's jacket. [it is indeed a loud jacket, with a checkerboard pattern] How many stations can you get on that thing?
Wardrobe Mgr.: [walks into camera view] All right, listen. I am sick of your jokes about the wardrobe. You people can dress yourselves! [walks away]
Third Man: [ahem] Well, folks, he's got a point, um, with all our unscripted horseplay, we sometimes don't think about ...
Homer: [on the phone] Lenny! Are you watching this?
Lenny: [on the phone] Yeah, they really hurt that guy's feelings.

Evil Vito

01-25-2010, 01:31 AM

Wally: I'm sorry, the guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom.
Bus Driver: What bathroom?

Ticket Taker: Yeah, see, the hologram's missing, there's no such team as the Spungos, and finally, these tickets seem to be printed on some sort of cracker. *takes bite*
Homer: Stop eating our tickets!

Pat Summerall: Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton we didn't see any football or singing?
John Madden: I hadn't thought about it, Pat. But in retrospect, it was kind of a rip-off! What a way to treat the loyal fans who've put up with so much nonsense from this franchise!

Drakul

01-26-2010, 01:11 AM

TV Narrator: Which two popular Simpsons characters have died in the last year? If you said Bleeding Gums Murphy and Dr. Marvin Monroe, you are wrong! They were never popular!

James Diesel

01-30-2010, 02:40 PM

Homer: You know, one day we honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops.

Chief Wiggum: You are? Oh no! Have you set a date?

Cool King

01-30-2010, 03:34 PM

Fat Tony: I told you we should have bought more than three bullets!

Lock Jaw

01-30-2010, 10:29 PM

Apu: Who needs to Quick-E-Mart? I dooooooooooooooooo!
Homer: Hey! He's not happy at all! He lied to us! He lied to us through song! I HATE when that happens!

Flanders: STELLA!!!! STELLA!!!!!! Can't you hear me yella, you're putting me through hella, Stella...... STELLA!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeritron

01-31-2010, 05:41 PM

toxic rooster

02-03-2010, 08:11 AM

I'm seeing double....four Krustys

Vietnamese Crippler

02-03-2010, 05:22 PM

Supreme Olajuwon

02-04-2010, 09:13 AM

TV: It's 11 O'clock. Do you know where your children are?
Homer: I told you last night NO!

Cool King

02-04-2010, 11:02 AM

Homer: Mmm....64 slices of American cheese. 64...63...

*Later That Night*

Homer: 2....1.

Marge: Have you been up all night eating cheese?

Homer: I think I'm blind.

Evil Vito

02-07-2010, 11:53 PM

"Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and be it against the Harlem Globetrotters?"
"Aw, I thought the Generals were due! He's spinning the ball on his finger - just TAKE IT! TAKE THE BALL!...........that game was fixed, they were using a freakin' ladder for God's sakes."

Innovator

02-08-2010, 08:23 PM

"Excuse us Milton"

"It's Milhouse, sir"

"Yeah and you're father is No House, no scram"

Vietnamese Crippler

02-08-2010, 08:32 PM

Marge: Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.

Homer: [sarcastic voice] Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!

[walks out, slams the door, then sticks his head back in]

Homer: Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.

Marge: Well, duh.

Vietnamese Crippler

02-08-2010, 08:34 PM

Homer: [scoffing] Well, if it isn't the leader of the wiener patrol, boning up on his nerd lessons.

Marge: Homer, you should be more supportive.

Homer: You're right, Marge. Good work, boy. [ruffles Bart's hair]
[Marge leaves]
[singing] Egghead likes his booky-books!

Marge: Homer!

Homer: Just tucking him in.

Nervous Ferret

02-09-2010, 08:13 AM

Principal Skinner: Attention all honor students will be rewarded with a trip to an archeological dig. Conversely, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

toxic rooster

02-09-2010, 08:15 AM

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course and forgot how to drive?

toxic rooster

02-09-2010, 08:16 AM

First thing tomorrow morning I'm going to punch Lenny in the back of the head.

Supreme Olajuwon

02-09-2010, 09:35 AM

Homer: That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to Clown College!

Bart: ...I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

BigDaddyCool

02-09-2010, 11:13 AM

Vietnamese Crippler

02-09-2010, 07:07 PM

Homer: Psh, English, who needs that, I'm never going to England.

toxic rooster

02-10-2010, 04:22 AM

The animosity between Kent Brockman and Arnie Pye is somewhat underrated.

Cool King

02-11-2010, 09:18 PM

Millhouse: Uh, I have a horsey. *Half-hearted horse impression*

Nelson: WUSS! (http://download.lardlad.com/sounds/season4/planet9.mp3)

Cool King

02-11-2010, 09:19 PM

Millhouse: Trab pu kcip! Trab pu kcip! (http://download.lardlad.com/sounds/season4/planet2.mp3)

RoXer

02-13-2010, 08:51 PM

(Mr. Burns can't open his pickle jar in his lunch)

Smithers: Should I send out for some Chinese?
Mr. Burns: No, those people are all gristle.

toxic rooster

02-16-2010, 08:31 AM

Those tourists were decapitated before they entered the Krustyland House of Knives

Drakul

02-16-2010, 11:01 PM

Helicopter pilot: We're now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land, the amusement park of the future where nothing can possi-blye go wrong.
*everyone looks worried*
Er, possibly go wrong. Heh, that's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

Vietnamese Crippler

02-16-2010, 11:52 PM

Lisa: Mom, Dad! Bart's dead! [Homer and Marge wake up, gasp]

Bart: [coming alive] That's right: dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. [Homer and Marge groan]

Vietnamese Crippler

02-16-2010, 11:54 PM

Frink: Man, if this is happening here, I'd hate to think of what's happening in Euro Itchy and Scratchy Land, n-hey.

[shot of empty parking lot in said park]

Booth man: [French accent] Hello? Itchy and Scratchy Land open for
business. Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on. My last paycheck bounced. My children need wine.

toxic rooster

02-17-2010, 08:32 AM

I was the happiest guy in the world, but fate likes to play a little game called 'Up Yours, Moe'.

Drakul

02-18-2010, 12:23 AM

IC Champion

02-19-2010, 12:36 AM

Principal Skinner: Order! Order! Do you kids wanna be like the real U.N., or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

IC Champion

02-19-2010, 02:56 AM

Marge: You can't ask God to kill someone.
Homer: Yeah! You do your own dirty work.

Xero

02-19-2010, 12:36 PM

Vietnamese Crippler

02-19-2010, 06:56 PM

Bart: [over the radio] Rod! Todd! This is God!

Rod: How did you get on the radio?

Bart: Whaddya mean, how did I get on the radio? I created the universe!
Stupid kid.

Todd+Rod: [fall to their knees and clasp their hands]

Todd: Forgive my brother. We believe you.

Bart: Talk is cheap. Perhaps I'll test a guy's faith. Walk through the wall! I will remove it for you.

Rod: [walks into the wall] [thud]

Bart: Ha ha ha.

Todd+Rod: [return to their knees in prayer]

Todd: What do you want from us?

Bart: I got a job for you. Bring forth all the cookies from your kitchen and leave them on the Simpsons' porch.

Rod: But those cookies belong to our parents.
Bart: Ugh! Look, do you want a happy God or a vengeful God?

Todd: [quickly] Happy God.

Bart: Then quit flapping your lip and make with the cookies!

Todd+Rod: Yes, sir!

Vietnamese Crippler

02-20-2010, 03:06 AM

Bart: Dad, when did you record an album?

Homer: I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago.

Bart: Dad, thanks to television, I can't remember what happened eight minutes ago. [Everyone laughs uproariously except Bart] No, really, I can't! It's a serious problem. [Everyone laughs again, and Bart finally relents and laughs too] What are we all laughing about?

Homer: [joyously] Who cares? Anyways...

Supreme Olajuwon

02-20-2010, 03:40 PM

St. Bartholomew: To inspire men, you must be brave. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia. It didn't take, but it was worth a try.

St. Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men?

Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.

St. Donickus: I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.

Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.

St. Donickus: You ... you're just lucky God isn't here.

mitch_h

02-20-2010, 07:30 PM

Hark to the tale of Nelson, and the boy he loved so dear. They remained the best of friends, for years and years and years.

Supreme Olajuwon

02-20-2010, 07:46 PM

Team Discovery Channel!

Cool King

02-20-2010, 08:04 PM

*Milhouse auditions to become Burns' heir*

Milhouse: I have nothing to offer you but my love.

Mr. Burns: I specifically said, no geeks!

Milhouse: But my mom says I'm cool.

*Nelson auditions to become Burns' heir*

Nelson: Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

Mr. Burns: Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

*Martin auditions to become Burns' heir*

Martin: Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley! Ring, ring, ring, went the bell! Zing, zing, zing, went my heartstrings....

*Nelson cold-cocks Martin*

Mr. Burns: Thank you! *Turns to Smithers* Give the bully an extra point.

Cool King

02-21-2010, 04:18 PM

Hans Moleman: This is Moleman in the Morning, Good Moleman to you.

Jeritron

02-22-2010, 04:17 PM

Vietnamese Crippler

02-23-2010, 03:07 AM

Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.

Marge: [indignantly] I'm pretty sure there is.

Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle --

Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. [shows him "Springfield Law"]

Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling. [Shot of Eddie the cop with squirrels running around in his pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing] Boys, knock it off!

Cool King

02-24-2010, 08:22 PM

Supreme Olajuwon

02-28-2010, 04:42 AM

<a style="font: Verdana" href="http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=34165201">The Shaq Attack</a> <object width="425px" height="372px"><param name="wmode" value="transparent" /><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true" /><param name="allowScriptAccess" value="always" /><param name="movie" value="http://player.hulu.com/embed/myspace_viral_player.swf?pid=iYYK6_6i_OyoHcedAJlLqkx5KOVZqF2J&embed=true&videoID=34165201" /><embed src="http://player.hulu.com/embed/myspace_viral_player.swf?pid=iYYK6_6i_OyoHcedAJlLqkx5KOVZqF2J&embed=true&videoID=34165201" width="425" height="372" allowFullScreen="true" allowScriptAccess="always" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent"></embed></object> <a style="font: Verdana" href="http://www.myspace.com/271252729">The Simpsons</a> | <a style="font: Verdana" href="http://vids.myspace.com">MySpace Video</a>

Jeritron

02-28-2010, 05:29 AM

lol the Cops joke

IC Champion

03-01-2010, 02:41 AM

Smithers: "Attention, everyone. Let's have an awed hush please for Mr.
Burns."
[Everyone gasps]
Burns: "Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters
before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny
new donkey for whoever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya."
[Smithers whispers to him]
"Hmm? What? Oh, and by that I mean, of course, it's time for
the "Worker of the Week Award". I can't believe we've
overlooked this week's winner for so very, very long. We
simply could not function without his tireless efforts. So, a
round of applause for...this inanimate carbon rod!"
[Everyone cheers]