NFL 2012 Season Thread

[Kris P Lettus]

Saints win..

It's written in black

http://www.nflgridirongab.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Saints.jpg

and white..

http://www.saintsgab.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/Saints-chant-against-Vikings-2010-opener1.jpg

Who Dat??

[Kris P Lettus]

Also, I hope the Giants crush the Cowboys on Wednesday, but only after Witten has over 100 yards and 2 TD's..

:shifty:

[Nark Order]

The Niners could definitely take out GB in their opener but they probably won't. I'll be ready to drink.

[Ermaximus]

https://dpegb9ebondhq.cloudfront.net/product_photos/468575/blaine_white_tee_original.jpg

[Kris P Lettus]

The Niners could definitely take out GB in their opener but they probably won't. I'll be ready to drink.

I will shamefully be pulling for the Niners in that one..

[Evil Vito]

Also, I hope the Giants crush the Cowboys on Wednesday, but only after Witten has over 100 yards and 2 TD's..

:shifty:

<font color=goldenrod>I honestly have no idea if Witten is going to play at this point. He's a tough son of a bitch, but the Cowboys did claim a 4th TE off of waivers for a reason. Jerry Jones also seemed to suggest that they'd be better off not playing Witten so that he can rest for 11 more days after than and be 100% by Week 2.

I bet he finds his way onto the field, but primarily ends up being a decoy. The Giants' secondary is depleted enough as it is, may as well add another "weapon" to try to stretch them out even further.

I really hope Michael Coe, Justin Tryon, and the banged up Jayron Hosley can step it up.</font>

[Kris P Lettus]

Yeah, I know.. I'll prolly start Greg Olsen cause not only is he my backup TE but, I think without Shockey there he'll have a 1000 yard season..

Also, they are saying "this is not like an ankle sprain, it is a vital organ"..

Pussies..

He has been practicing this week though..

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>I really wanna see who steps up as the Giants' #3 WR. I thought Rueben Randle would be the early favorite, but neither he nor anybody else particularly distinguished themselves in preseason. Could see Randle actually being inactive to start off the year as Coughlin usually takes it easy with the rookies early on. Hixon and Barden should see plenty of snaps.

If you're the superstitious type, the defending Super Bowl champion has never lost in the 8 years they've been doing the whole "champ opens at home during the week" game.

Gonna try to avoid putting too much stock into Week 1 regardless of the outcome, though a win would go a long way towards making the 11 day layoff between games seem more bearable.</font>

[Kris P Lettus]

Why are they doing it on Wed and not Thursday??

[Kris P Lettus]

So, upon further review, the Saints kept 5 RB's and 2 FB's.. They only kept 2 TE's (Graham and Dave Baconator Thomas)..

I thought they would keep 3 TE's (Graham, Baconator, and Higgins), drop both FB's and keep all 5 RB's.. My thinking was Dave Thomas played alot of FB the SuperBowl year when Heath Evans went down.. Get rid of the FB's, and let him play the position when needed and still have 2 TE's available for "jumbo" sets..

It made sense in my head..

p.s. I love both Collins and Hall, bot of our FB's, BTW..

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Obama's doing a national address during the Democratic National Convention or something. Watching a meaningful football game on a Wednesday is gonna feel weird.</font>

[Kris P Lettus]

Ahh, stupid politics getting in the way of an EIGHT year tradition..

pffffft

[Emperor Smeat]

Patriots O Line this year might be the worst out of all the years Brady has been the starter which is pretty amazing considering how long of a period that ends up being. Its basically a mesh between Brady's remaining line and the development line for his successor.

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Isn't the general consensus that Brian Waters is going to end up playing this year? Everybody seems to think that Waters and Belichick have some unwritten arrangement that he can skip preseason.</font>

[Emperor Smeat]

Still hasn't reported in at all but its expected he might play this season or else he would have announced his retirement weeks/months ago. In terms of roster, they have 1 spot left open which hints BB is saving it for Waters. O line improves a lot with him there but its still a mesh line considering BB is trying to keep as much of Brady's line intact while developing Mallet's line at the same time.

Although saving that spot did potentially cost a spot that might have gone to either Dieon Branch, Dan Koppen (Brady's main center), or Brian Hoyer. Of those 3, dropping Hoyer was the big surprise considering original plans were to keep him for trading purposes and act as a bridge between Brady and Mallet.

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>I don't think Hoyer would have had much trade value. I've looked around the league and the vast majority of teams now only keep 2 QB's on their roster - the only times you don't see that are if your QB is an injury risk (Eagles, Broncos, etc.) or if your QB is unproven.

The dropoff between the starter and backup in the NFL is so huge that you're pretty much fucked if your QB goes down. So it's not really worth eating up an extra roster spot on a 3rd QB until you have to.</font>

[Droford]

The ravens schedule is all sorts of messed up in September but its pretty much as easy as it gets for em. Cincy o:n monday week 1, @ Philly week 2 sunday afternoon, pats on Sunday night week 3 and then a short week for Cleveland on Thursday..I'm kind of worried about the browns game because of the short week off a night game vs the patriots.. I'm hoping for 3-1 out of this mess somehow..

[Kris P Lettus]

How do you think yall's D will do cause I got them and the Jets but will prolly drop one of them for depth at WR/TE/RB??

[SammyG]

RAMS 16-0

[Droford]

Ravens are going to play tougher offenses this year and I am concerned that without Suggs they might not exactly be plying up to the level you'd expect from the Ravens...but it should still be good..

[owenbrown]

RAMS 0-16

Fixed. Also, what have you been smoking to think the Rams will go 16-0?! :wtf:

[Ermaximus]

Rams won't go 0-16, but there is no way in hell they go 16-0 either.

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Jason Garrett says Martellus Bennett is only a complimentary player, and doesn't see him being a starter in the league.

Bennett touchdown on Wednesday = confirmed

He's a big dude, could actually see him becoming Eli's favorite red zone target.</font>

[Nark Order]

Have a fantasy question for all of you that care to answer. Should I play Alex Smith week 1 or Sam Bradford? Alex plays the Packmen and Bradford plays the Lions.

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Smith. I don't think the Pack's D will be particularly good and Bradford could very well be murdered by Suh.</font>

[Crimson]

<font color=goldenrod>Jason Garrett says Martellus Bennett is only a complimentary player, and doesn't see him being a starter in the league.

Bennett touchdown on Wednesday = confirmed

He's a big dude, could actually see him becoming Eli's favorite red zone target.</font>

How dare you question Garrett's scouting skills. :rant:

'Boys haven't played a game with Bryant, Austin, and Witten together yet this year. I expect some rust and a big Giants win.

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>9/1: Giants waive OL Mitch Petrus
9/1: Giants sign OL D.J. Jones off of waivers from Philadelphia Eagles
9/2: Giants waive OL D.J. Jones
9/2: Giants sign OL Mitch Petrus

...that was fast. :o Jones failed a physical.</font>

[Triple Naitch]

Have a fantasy question for all of you that care to answer. Should I play Alex Smith week 1 or Sam Bradford? Alex plays the Packmen and Bradford plays the Lions.

Pick up another QB.

[Triple Naitch]

The ravens schedule is all sorts of messed up in September but its pretty much as easy as it gets for em. Cincy o:n monday week 1, @ Philly week 2 sunday afternoon, pats on Sunday night week 3 and then a short week for Cleveland on Thursday..I'm kind of worried about the browns game because of the short week off a night game vs the patriots.. I'm hoping for 3-1 out of this mess somehow..

Did you get tickets to the Eagles game?

[Innovator]

Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Dallas Cowboys
Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the Dallas Cowboys. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Dallas Cowboys. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.

1. YEEEEEEEEHAWWWW I AM FUCKING CRAZY! I covered the Cowboys for NBC for three years, and I think it's clear to anyone following the team that Jerry Jones is growing more and more out of it by the second. And I mean this in relative terms. The Double J has always been a raging, megalomaniacal nutcase. But now, as he edges closer to his 70th birthday, it appears as if he's completely coming off the hinges. There's the rapping. There's the "glory hole days" comment. Cowboys fans have loathed Jones's meddling for over two decades, but the scary thing is that all of that now feels like a prelude to the REAL madness.
By now, we're all used to Jones looking for any open microphone and then using it immediately to undermine his own coaching staff. We're used to him hand-selecting players like Dez Bryant—a player so rotten he needs 24-hour babysitting to keep from curb-stomping his own mom—and then demanding that those players be showcased, often to the detriment of winning football games. We're used to him bringing in turd after turd after turd because he fancies the Cowboys as America's greatest ongoing reality show. Early in his ownership, Jones loved winning because it brought him attention. But now that the Cowboys suck and can't win, he's more than happy to get ANY attention, good or bad. Any time a Cowboys player shows up in the pages of US Weekly, the Double J orgasms out of his face. And as he grows older and closer and closer to death, he's become dangerously addicted to that attention. He's a meth head for publicity. It's enveloped him so much that winning games has become incidental.

Which is a good thing because this team is awful. The Cowboys consist of a rapidly aging core of players—Tony Romo, Miles Austin, DeMarcus Ware, Jay Ratliff, and Jason Witten—who were all brought in by Bill Parcells. For the past several years, Jones has desperately tried to assemble a decent roster around this core, and he has failed horribly. The line is awful. The secondary, despite adding rookie Morris Claiborne, is puke. And the linebackers can't cover anyone. The old core is getting closer and closer to eroding and all that will be left are the dogshit scraps that the Double J brought in. It's a roster that's coming apart as quickly as Jones's psyche, and as they sink deeper into a cycle of consistent losing, the antics will grow more and more reckless and insane. I'm telling you, we haven't seen anything yet. Jones will burn this franchise to the ground and salt the earth behind him on his way to the casket.

2. Tony Romo AND A HERP AND A DERP. Tony Romo's chokery is so reliable that you can now schedule it. Want proof? Seven straight Sunday Night Football losses. Each one more pathetic than the last. It has become a fall tradition for people to gather around the TV on a Sunday night four times a year to watch this team gag like a rookie pornstar. And the best part is that I get to watch it happen again TOMORROW! That's right! This team lost its last two SNF games to the Giants, and loogit who they get to play in the opener. In primetime. On SNF (albeit on a Wednesday night). These same Giants. They have no prayer of winning. None. If you have a deed to your house, go ahead and bet it on New York and enjoy having two houses next week. Five of this team's eight losses last season (Jets, Lions, Pats, Cardinals, Giants) were epic choke jobs; other franchises don't have five losses like that in their entire HISTORY. The Cowboys don't simply lose games. They vomit them up and then slip in that vomit and then fall face-down in that vomit and then choke to death on that vomit. Why would anything be any different this season? They still have Romo, and they still have ...

3. "Hmm. Yes. Indeed." "Few coaches would have the Princetonian gumption to ice their own kicker, but I, Jason Garrett, know that it's a strategy far ahead of its time. Pity my own players weren't able to execute such a masterfully counterintuitive act of daring. I am convinced now, more than ever, that if we simply repeat the strategy five or six more times, we shall be proven prescient. TALLY HO, NOBEL COMMITTEE. I expect fine eatings when I arrive in Stockholm the year after next!"

4. You are NOT long-suffering. I barely need to tell you how horrible Cowboys fans are. They're nothing but a bunch of front-running, carpetbagging dipshits, most of whom have NO ties to Dallas or Texas whatsoever. They spend more time perusing the Cowboys NFL Shop catalog than watching live gameplay. Virtually every Cowboys fan introduces himself as a "longtime Cowboys fan" in the hopes of sustaining the illusion that he was a fan long before 1992. Everyone knows it's bullshit. These are awful, horrible fans, the kind that buy tickets to JerryWorld and spend half the game drinking with their fellow flight attendants in the Bud Lime-a-Rita Zone and barely paying attention to the game itself.

But do you know what the worst part is? Now that the Cowboys are undeniably fucked for the next decade, these people are begging you for PITY. All through the '90s, you couldn't find a more arrogant, obnoxious group of fans. But now that the Cowboys have become the premier choke artists in all of sports, they have come looking for sympathy. "I'm a long-suffering Cowboys fan." FUCK YOU. YOU DO NOT KNOW SUFFERING. Don't you dare try to lump yourselves in with Lions and Browns and Vikings and Bills and Bengals fans. There is nothing pitiable about a Cowboys fan. This team is exactly what you pieces of shit deserve after casually attaching yourself to a dynasty all those years ago. You deserve a senile Double J. You deserve Wolfman Rob blitzing 10 men on every snap and giving up 20-yard gains on every play. You deserve Cousin Sal. You deserve Romo somehow fumbling and throwing a pick simultaneously with 57 seconds left on the clock. This is your time of reckoning. You earned every horrible second of it.

5. Hear it from Cowboys fans!

Jaime-Paul:

Did you know we were only one game away from the Super Bowl last year? No? We'll that's because you're not a complete sociopath like our owner. Ol'Jer is so insane and in love with himself that he thinks that he is the team and therefore refuses to listen to anyone who knows what they're doing. And, if that's not enough, we have his terrifying death mask of a face that causes local children to eat all their vegetables less the Jerry Monster gets them in their sleep.

We can't just be a football team, we have to be America's Team! Which means we bring in hotshot coaches who insist on running the shotgun despite being on the opposing team's goal line. We have to bring in every reclamation project that's out there, we go through running backs like our Governor goes through hairspray, and our fans are so completely deluded that even when we're obviously headed for a 8-8, or below, season we manage to talk ourselves into the Super Bowl.

Adam:

Some combination of Botox and bathing in liquefied hundreds has apparently rendered Jerry Jones immortal.

Meka:

The only two things people associate with Dallas are 1) the assassination of JFK 2) the shitstorm that is Jerry Jones' ego.

Kevin:

The Cowboys were the first team in the NFL to really start to over-celebrate the mundane. Signaling first downs, shouting to the air after sacks, taking off helmets... it may have started with U of Miami, but we dragged it into the NFL. The worst offender? Kenny "the Shark" Gant. We cheered wildly while he did his shark dance before punt/kickoff returns. That's right, BEFORE an actual play was made.

Martin:

The Cowboys fanbase has a thing for scapegoats. Every offseason it's the same refrain: "We FINALLY got rid of [Insert overpaid, overrated, underperforming ex Pro-Bowler]. WHAT A DICKHOLE! Now that they are off the team we can finally WIN US-SELVES A SUPERBOWL!"

In the past few years alone, this has happened with Marion Barber, Andre Gurode, Terrance Newman, Leonard Davis, Keith Brooking, Ken Hamlin, and TWO people named Roy Williams.

The biggest problem? We always replace trash with more trash. Wanna cut our Pro-Bowl center because he secretly sucks? Perfect! Let's replace him with an undrafted white guy (Phil Costa) who consistently snaps the ball as if Tony Romo were Manute Bol's height. We waste so much time celebrating the departure of over-rated players that we often forget that the street-free-agent replacements are even worse.

Phillippe:

We are the Notre Dame of the NFL: brilliant marketing, a distant history winning that inspires nostalgia, a legacy of creepy conflation between God and football, and a gift for Bogarting the media's joint. As a result, Cowboys fans live in a funhouse of mirrors that make every player look larger than they really are, right up until the moment a real playoff contender comes in and trashes the place.

We all know how this story will go: some bizarre early season loss marred by curious Jason Garrett play calls, the emergence of some previously unheralded player around week 5, some decisive looking midseason wins against overhyped "contenders" (Atlanta, I'm looking at you in week 9), a warning sign defeat to a three-win team on the road where our offense looked like it was stuck in the mud, and a final implosion against some team weathered and hardened by early season adversity. A profile of some player on the team that ends our season will always follow a certain narrative, contrasting their preparation and discipline with some self-serving Cowboy idiocy. I can already see Peter King writing paragraphs about Pierre Garcon reflecting on all those extra practice throws he and RGIII did after practice, while Anthony Spencer appears in his "Ten Things I Didn't Like" for that late hit on third down that He. Just. Cannot. Make. In. That. Situation.

Ugh. I want it to end already, and the season hasn't even started.

Curtis:

It's not often that you can find the reason why any given NFL sucks in one photo, unless it's a photo of Alex Smith's tiny hands or Kevin Kolb trying to stand upright or Norv Turner's brain. But this one comes closer than all of them:

Full size


Chad:

When I turn on the TV for a Cowboys midseason game and watch them play down to a 1-6 team, it's like I laid down in the fairway of a Pro-Am and let Romo step on my junk with his golf spikes while he yuks it up with Sam Jackson.

Lee:

If I started typing now and typed until my fingers bled, until I cramped up from carpal tunnel, until I went blind from staring at my computer screen, until I dropped 150 pounds from lack of nourishment, until my skin dried up and turned to dust from dehydration and ultimately until I simply keeled over and died (and this would all take quite a while because I'm not small), I wouldn't even be able to scratch the surface covering the surface of how much I hate Jerry Jones.

He has destroyed the Dallas Cowboys. Destroyed them. He has done NOTHING to contribute to the success of the franchise. NOTHING. His teams won three Super Bowls only because he happened to be a roommate at Arkansas of Jimmy Johnson, who never especially liked him. Jimmy won those Super Bowls, all three of them, even the one he didn't coach. And what did Jerry do after Jimmy won two straight championships and looked poised to win four or five in a row? FIRED HIM. Fired him! Barry Switzer's second team had enough runoff talent from Jimmy's squads to win one more Super Bowl, and then that was it. Jerry was on the path to destruction.

The Dallas Cowboys have existed since 1960. They played in their first Super Bowl in the 1970 season and won the Super Bowl for the first time in 1971. Even with the down years of the ‘80s (and there were really only a few…), Dallas has never gone as long without playing in or winning a Super Bowl as it has in the current championship drought. The former record for futility was 1977-1992 (1978 if you're counting Super Bowl appearances and not just wins). Now, though, the Cowboys have failed to play in a Super Bowl since 1995. We're going on 17 years here, and they're no closer to winning one than they were when Dave Campo was coach. They have a huge, obnoxious, outrageously expensive stadium and an owner (and general manager! WTF?) with a nearly incomprehensible ego. They have a puppet coach and a bunch of scrubs on defense. They're an empty vessel, all hat and no cattle.

Oh, I know. Browns fans and Lions fans don't want to hear it. Fair enough. But most people don't realize what the Cowboys meant to those of us who grew up in Dallas in the ‘70s and ‘80s. They were ALL WE HAD. The Rangers perennially sucked. The Mavericks were a flash in the pan for a season or two in the late ‘80s. The Stars were in Minnesota, where they belonged. The SWC imploded. The Cowboys were the pride ofDallas, an elite franchise with only a minor cocaine problem (and, at least, with a coach who genuinely had character). NOTHING mattered more than Cowboys football.

Jerry has taken all of that away. He has destroyed the dignity of the franchise, along with destroying the competitiveness of the franchise. (Seriously, Quincy Carter. Really. They're still trying to recover from that pick.) The Cowboys are a brand now, not a football team. Rex's fat brother has created a defense about as impenetrable as a sidewalk drain. Yet he still brags about it. It's easy to see why Rex is a head coach and Rob is a DC. Rob is a pretty good description of what the man does to the Cowboys when he collects a paycheck.

The worst part, though, is that Cowboy "fans," the worst in the NFL, still lap this shit up. They manage to live on the success of nearly two decades ago, even though a lot of them don't remember it. They're incredibly obnoxious with nothing to back it up. And the worst part is that they seem to be perennially happy. "Hey, look at our stadium! Whoo, our uniforms look awesome! Remember Emmitt Smith?" Hey, Cowboy fans, YOUR TEAM FUCKING BLOWS. Quit with the living in the past, with the worshiping the star, with treating Jerry as if he's anything but Satan incarnate hell bent on wrecking what was once the best thing North Texas had going for it. Seriously, SHUT THE FUCK UP. You look like a bunch of redneck assholes, which, of course, you are. You and Jerry deserve each other.

Trey:

We have the kind of fans who will call up Mike and Mike the day after a win and demand that Jason Garrett trade Romo for Tom Brady because they think Gisele is prettier than Jessica Simpson. I've legitimately had other "fans" ask me why they don't just start Troy Aikman because "he was real good". When I bring up Randy White in conversation they typically think I'm confusedly talking about American Idol.

Mike:

When the redneck Al Davis finally dies, his son Stephen will take over the team. Only, he has already been here with the team for years making bad decisions. He is listed as the Director of Player Personnel on the team's website. He is already involved with all the terrible drafts and awful contracts for mediocre players. It is as much his team as it is Jerry's. We can only hope they both die in a plane crash. I personally hope they are doing something terrible at the time like uploading a video to YouTube of them masturbating onto a pile of conflict diamonds. That way nobody will try to guilt trip me about celebrating the death of other human beings.

Martyn:

Our center doesn't know how or when to snap the ball and our guards are less effective than a revolving door.

DeMarco Murray will probably be hurt during the press conference after the first game.

The primary role of our safeties as far as I can tell is to throw rose petals in the end zone for the wide receivers to celebrate the upcoming touchdown.

Our 4th string cornerback makes over $5 million per year.

The only way the Cowboys can keep Dez Bryant from ruining his life (and all those around him I'm sure) is to practically have him on house arrest. This can only end badly. Hopefully Craig James will be able to cover up all the dead hookers.

Brad:

If you are a fan of the Cowboys who was born in the 80's this pretty much sums up the coaching situation and general relationship with the team. Your Mother (Jerry Jones) and Father (Jimmy Johnson) faked love for a few years together and everything was glorious for you as a child. Your Dad was smart, had a good job, great hair, and always gave you the most kick ass birthday and Christmas gifts (great draft picks, Super Bowl rings). This was life, it was the picket fence, the puppy, the whole nine yards! Your life was a fucking postcard. All the other kids were jealous of you.

Mom smiled on the outside, but secretly bitched to her friends about being underappreciated and was constantly a giant controlling twat to your Dad. Eventually, your Dad got tired of your Mom's constant fuckery and decided to go through the REAL Big D. They smiled, tried to break the news softly to you, Dad said he'd pick you up on the weekends and you guys would play catch. Two weeks later, he met a Cuban woman and moved to Miami to never be heard from again.

Mom told you everything would be fine. You guys got to keep the house and Dad's convertible (the team he built) and things weren't that bad the first couple of years. Mom met a new guy, Barry. Barry seemed cool, he showed you his college championship ring, let you see his gun before he packed it up for business trips, and Mom let Barry take you joy riding in Dad's old convertible. You really didn't miss Dad that much for the first couple of years. Then Barry took a lot of pain killers one night and crashed Dad's convertible into a telephone pole at 120 mph.

Mom dumped Barry's no-good ass and cock bounced around from loser to loser for a few years. You guys fell on financial hard times (Salary Capped) because your Mother burned through any money left from your Dad like an NBA lottery pick and you started to have to buy cereal with no box (Eddie George), eat beenie weenies for supper (Vinny Testaverde), and kids made fun of you at school for wearing fake misspelled JORDEN shoes (This pretty much sums up any roster Jerry assembled from 1999 to 2004.) Life was shit. You sometimes wished you'd never had things so great with your Dad, it was just a cruel reminder of how great some people (Pat's Fans) lives are. Mom made your life so miserable you wished Jerry Sandusky would adopt you.

Then Mom hooked up with grumpy old War Vet named Bill. Bill was somehow able to get your Mother to get her shit together. He got you moved out of the ghetto and into a semi-new apartment that at least had a pool. Bill could be a raging Viagra-fueled dick, but at least he was making things better. Unfortunately, he watched Tony Romo stumblefuck the Cowboys out of their best shot to win a Super Bowl in a decade, and had a coronary and died. She tried to see if another senior citizen named Wade was worth a shag. He was a nice guy but he turned out to be a huge pussy and let your Mom walk all over him and eventually she lost interest.

Now Mom is blowing a red headed douche who used to work for your Dad as a Temp, and is a constant reminder of how awesome life was at one time, and how it will never be the same again. Basically, your Mom (Jerry Jones) is a huge cunt.

Sean:

I am a Cowboys fan, and Cowboys fans are the worst. Just go look at a dallascowboys.com comment thread…we're a bunch of fucking mouthbreathers. People there are thoroughly convinced that Romo is not the guy and should be traded for Tim Tebow.

Our Pro Bowl QB is Favre minus the cock shots plus a backwards cap with all of the back-breaking interceptions you'd wish for in a season. He sits behind an offensive line made up of a guy who couldn't shotgun snap to Shaquille O'Neal and a bunch of low round picks and guys off the street, because shit, the last thing we need is the guy the entire season is riding on to remain healthy. Our most talented offensive weapon is currently housed in an underground bunker somewhere in Valley Ranch, lest he go out and beat 17 hookers to death. The defense is Demarcus Ware and Sean Lee. God forbid if one of them gets injured.

Being a Cowboys fan is like dating the best girl in the world, but then after getting married, she becomes a complete bitch. You can remember when things were awesome and while she still may be hot, she beats you in your sleep.

Adam:

Jason Garrett loves swing passes as much as Jerry likes being Papa John's bitch.

Sharma:

The new stadium provides zero home field advantage. The team has lost of 11 of 24 regular season home games so far since it opened. Everyone treats the place like a cool space age movie theater that sometimes shows stuff in 3-D! If you dare stand up to cheer for the defense on a crucial 3rd down, be prepared to hear some bullshit HEY BUDDY, YOU'RE BLOCKING OUR VIEW OF THE SCREEN! tantrum. And that's usually the most noise anyone in your section will make for an entire game.

Matt:

Julius Jones was our last 1000-yard rusher. Every other running back since then has the durability and carrying skills of wet paper bags.

Eddie:

Super Bowl XXX. Winning that Super Bowl was the worst thing ever. It confirmed in Jerry's addled mind that he was the football genius he had already proclaimed himself. He told Jimmy he could win a Super Bowl with Barry Switzer and by God, he did it. He did it with the team of the 90s before they ran out of gas and he did it because of Neil "interception" O'Donnell. The Boys mailed it in and still won with the worst excuse of an MVP in SB history. Jerry beamed and crowned himself GM and we've had mediocrity ever since.

Sean:

Jerry Jones is a literal asshole. The only thing that comes out of that giant orifice is BULLSHIT.

Chris:

Typical Cowboys offensive play last year:

Situation- 3rd and 12 after two failed running plays where Felix Jones just sort of ran directly into the left tackle's ass and flopped to the ground. Team breaks the huddle.

Wide receivers (at least one of which is just some parking valet they grabbed and threw a helmet on right before the game because both of Austin's hamstrings spontaneously exploded AGAIN while getting out of bed this morning) wander around the field aimlessly until Romo runs over and literally tells them where they are supposed to stand (No joke, this is an actual thing that happened in an NFL game. For reals.)

Before he even gets back behind the center, the ball is snapped.

He chases the ball 15 yards back and has to dodge and break tackles from no less than three completely unblocked defenders, because our O-line consists of Tyron Smith and four of those inflatable clown punching bags.

Romo throws a perfect, laser-accurate pass while having his chest caved in between two linebackers.

Dez makes an astonishing circus catch and goes 40 yards before being shoved out of bounds. He then promptly vanishes in a puff of smoke like ninja, and is not seen again for the rest of the game.

Play is called back due to holding.

Typical Cowboys fan reaction to the above play: ROMO IS THE WORST WE NEED A REAL QB LET'S TRADE FOR TEBOW HE JUST WINS GAMES

Nick:

Because rooting for the Cowboys means rooting for a towering, ridiculous monument to capitalism and branding that is so all-encompassing it borders on self-parody.

Dan:

I, to this day, still cannot believe when Parcells said "T.O goes or I go," Jerry said "T.O. is staying."

Hunter:

Our fans are the Lakers or Yankees fans of the NFL: We're in every city and shitty little town in the entire country, and we're awful, loud, fat, horrible people in all those places. But the glaring difference between us and those two fanbases is that the obnoxious arrogance of Yankee and Laker fans is somewhat justified by multiple championships in the 21st century.

Matt:

December. Fuck December.

Tyler:

If your only connection to the city of Dallas is that your uncle's ex-wife's second cousin twice removed spent his middle school years in a Dallas suburb, there is no godforsaken reason you should be a Cowboys fan.

Evan:

Actual conversation I had with a Cowboys fan I met in DC (shocking, I know):

Me: You're a Cowboys fan? Nice! I grew up in Dallas. You been to the new stadium? It's an awesome building.

Him: No, never been to Texas. I'm a DIE HARD fan though. I just bought my THIRD Romo Jersey! Now I have 2 blue ones!

Me: You're pretty dedicated. Why aren't we winning more games?

Him: (dead serious) Cause Romo sucks!

Erik:

We're just terrible, terrible human beings. If there was a nerdy Football Outsider advanced statistic for Ratio of IQ To Paraphernalia Of Your Favorite Team Owned, then Cowboys fans would be at the top of the list. No team has a higher number of fans who spend more money per month on Dez Bryant jereseys than they spend on food for their children. If I had a $1 for every 28-year-old with a "No Fear" tattoo, a shaved head, a goatee and a Dez Bryant jersey, I'd have about 2.3 trillion dollars, and I live in Redskin country for eff's sake.

Even though Dallas probably has the highest number of fans, you will probably receive the least number of submissions for your "Why Your Team Sucks" column for Dallas, because 99.9% of Cowboys fans have zero sense of humor and would sooner threateningly let you know about their conceal-carry permit than would dare to honestly criticize their favorite team. I would go on, but like a true Dallas fan, I have to go out back and empty the septic tank of my double-wide while cradling a Pabst in my short, stubby, engine-grease-stained fingers.

BJ:

1. Jerry Jones
2. Jerry Jones
3. Jerry Jones
4. Jerry Jones
5. Jerry Jones
6. Jerry Jones
7. Jerry Jones
8. Jerry Jones
9. Jerry Jones
10. Jerry Jones

Lauren:

We're like the Yankees— except without the wins.

Darik:

Even when I tell people who my favorite team is, I do so with a slight bit of hesitation, and a pinch of embarrassment. I always feel like I'm about to start knocking on doors and having to tell people exactly what I was convicted for and gain their blessing to move into the house across the street....

Ben:

Jerry Jones is Al Davis minus about 20 years.

Britton:

Do you know what the best part about having your owner also being your General Manager is? Nothing. It's horrifying.

All you really need to know about Jerry Jones is he built one of the greatest sporting venues ever built, but has refused to let anyone with a real football mind run the team. This is like buying your grandma a massive big screen HDTV with a 6.1 surround sound system, and then giving her all the remotes and no directions. Every freaking year.

[Kris P Lettus]

Kinda pumped for the game tomorrow night..

[Gonzo]

Can't wait baby. It's going to be loud tomorrow night. Probably leave here around 1:30 or 2 pm and get in the lot at 4:30 or 5 pm. Sooooooo amped.

[Kris P Lettus]

You have season tix??

[Gonzo]

Yeahhhh boiiiiiii.

[Kris P Lettus]

Where are yr seats??

[Gonzo]

Section 223 directly under the MetLife video board.

[Kris P Lettus]

I used to sit in section 111 first row 25 yard line on the visitor side..

Those tix are like 10x more than they were before Katrina..

:(

[Gonzo]

Our seats aren't that bad. The tickets on the 50 for the "good" seats are ridiculously expensive.

I like my seats though. I like the elevation because you can see the play develop and everything down field etc.

[Kris P Lettus]

Yeah I kinda prefer sitting higher up on the club level but, sitting right behind the opponents bench and being able to talk shit to them and the kickers when they where warming up was awesome..

[Team Sheep]

I've sat in the lower rows in the lower tiers a few times for football games and I don't think they're worth the ridiculous price. You're close to the action but you can't see much of what's going on. Just a pile of bodies. I'd rather be elevated to see the field and the lines.

[Evil Vito]

Last year was the first year since like 1997 that I haven't gone to a game. Hoping I can find my way back to the stadium this year. I feel like the Browns game would be the easiest one to get.

[Evil Vito]

So fucking pumped. Work will drag on tomorrow. :o

[Innovator]

Michael Strahan was picked as the new cohost of Live with Kelly Ripa, GGGGGGGGGGMEN.

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Kellen Winslow is working out with the Patriots this week.

The same Patriots that already have Rob Gronkowski, Aaron Hernandez, Daniel Fells, and Visanthe Shiancoe on their active roster. Plus Jake Ballard on PUP.</font>

[James Steele]

Yeah I kinda prefer sitting higher up on the club level but, sitting right behind the opponents bench and being able to talk shit to them and the kickers when they where warming up was awesome..

You would be "that guy". You drunk coonasses are fucking embarrassing.

Michael Strahan was picked as the new cohost of Live with Kelly Ripa, GGGGGGGGGGMEN.

I give it 2 years - tops.

[#1-norm-fan]

<font color=goldenrod>Kellen Winslow is working out with the Patriots this week.

The same Patriots that already have Rob Gronkowski, Aaron Hernandez, Daniel Fells, and Visanthe Shiancoe on their active roster. Plus Jake Ballard on PUP.</font>

They signed Shiancoe too? Jesus fucking Christ.

[#1-norm-fan]

Seriously, people's need to hate Romo is ridiculous. The team has been a failure the last couple years but it's all about "LOL TONY ROMO SUX!"

The man goes 21/31 for over 300 yds and 4 TDs, doesn't turn the ball over once, constantly bails out his defense by regaining the lead time and time again because they're playing like shit and it's all about "Romo losing the game". People are fucking retarded.

The man is the second highest rated QB EVER. Of all time. Out of every QB who has ever played in the National Football League. EV-ER.

But yeah, he's just the shittiest QB in the world. Logic is amazing.

[Emperor Smeat]

Not that shocking considering the Pats dropped a few RBs and WRs so they have the 5-5-5 set up with RBs, WRs, and TEs. The entire focus has been on defense for this season after it was the weakest link last year and less likely to rotate offensive players to compensate for lack of depth.


Seriously, people's need to hate Romo is ridiculous. The team has been a failure the last couple years but it's all about "LOL TONY ROMO SUX!"

Didn't he make a few promises or guarantees last year that ended up falling flat on his face? I think one was about winning the title or going into the playoffs late in the season.

Romo is a good QB but he's slowly become the type of player that has reached their peak of greatness but can't move onto that next level. Its similar to coaches who are good and improve a team but is missing that "championship" quality trait. Bledsoe was the same with the Pats in that he was a good QB but not enough to lead them to the next level.

[ClockShot]

Didn't think ordering a Peyton Manning jersey would be a pain in the ass. Amazon let me down on this.

[#1-norm-fan]

Didn't he make a few promises or guarantees last year that ended up falling flat on his face? I think one was about winning the title or going into the playoffs late in the season.


Did he? I heard nothing about any promises of titles or anything.

[Gonzo]

Seriously, people's need to hate Romo is ridiculous. The team has been a failure the last couple years but it's all about "LOL TONY ROMO SUX!"

The man goes 21/31 for over 300 yds and 4 TDs, doesn't turn the ball over once, constantly bails out his defense by regaining the lead time and time again because they're playing like shit and it's all about "Romo losing the game". People are fucking retarded.

The man is the second highest rated QB EVER. Of all time. Out of every QB who has ever played in the National Football League. EV-ER.

But yeah, he's just the shittiest QB in the world. Logic is amazing.

I don't think he is a bad quarterback, I just hate him because of the star on his helmet.

I think part of all of this comes from the fact the Cowboys haven't really gotten over the hump in the playoffs with him at the helm. I realize there are other factors with the team as to why this is but the media is retarded.

[#1-norm-fan]

I can see the media running with it but it's a chicken/egg thing. I'm not sure if people feel justified in being so opinionated about Romo because the media uses him for some controversy or if the media uses him for it because of people being so opinionated.

I mean the guy sits on the sideline watching the defense get carved up and then comes out and doesn't turn the ball over once while putting up 35 points and he gets blamed. It's kinda clear that there is a desperate need for a lot of people to find a reason to claim Romo is a shitty QB.

[Gonzo]

I think it's also important to point out that Romo plays QB for "America's Team". Whether or not that distinction still holds true, the Cowboys were a perennial power in the 90's. So he is going to get a shit ton of flack he probably doesn't deserve.

I think it's retarded that people think Romo is a "bad" QB. I know I would prefer he wasn't playing when they play the Giants.

[screech]

I usually get him in fantasy and he does very well for me.

[Evil Vito]

They signed Shiancoe too? Jesus fucking Christ.

<font color=goldenrod>Yep. Only found out on cutdown day. Had no idea he was even still in the league.

At this point Brady can probably throw the ball with his eyes closed and it'd still be caught by one of his own receivers.</font>

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Boley, Kiwi, Nicks, Hosley, and Beatty are among those listed as questionable for the Giants tomorrow. Sounds like all of them are all going to wind up playing, though.

Ratliff has been ruled out. Witten is doubtful (which I believe means there's a 75% chance he doesn't play), and Jenkins is questionable.

G-MENNNNNNNNN</font>

[Gonzo]

Last year was the first year since like 1997 that I haven't gone to a game. Hoping I can find my way back to the stadium this year. I feel like the Browns game would be the easiest one to get.

If you end up going this year hit me up. You can cover over and tailgate with me. The only game I don't think we're going to is the Skins game.

[#1-norm-fan]

I think it's also important to point out that Romo plays QB for "America's Team". Whether or not that distinction still holds true, the Cowboys were a perennial power in the 90's. So he is going to get a shit ton of flack he probably doesn't deserve.

I think it's retarded that people think Romo is a "bad" QB. I know I would prefer he wasn't playing when they play the Giants.

The funny thing is Dan Marino took over for a team that was a decade removed from the only perfect season ever. He was statistically not as good as Romo and never won a championship. Yet not only do you rarely hear people talk about him as a shitty QB, some actually even consider him the greatest of all time. Nonsensical, I say.

[#1-norm-fan]

I'd rather have Ratliff play and Witten out tomorrow. The defense needs more it more. Romo can manage with Phillips and Hanna.

What I'd really rather have is not to be thrown in a shitty situation on opening night like facing the Jets in New York on the 10th anniversary of 9/11 or playing the Super Bowl champs in the opening night game that the champions have never lost. Goddammit anyway.

[FearedSanctity]

Guess what Demaryius Thomas and EFD are calling themselves...


https://yfrog.com/nvka4vnmj:iphone

[Evil Vito]

If you end up going this year hit me up. You can cover over and tailgate with me. The only game I don't think we're going to is the Skins game.

<font color=goldenrod>For sure. Normally when I go I wind up at this huge tailgate around a bus that's painted half blue and half green (the green half is for the Eagles, they rent the bus out for catering on days the Giants don't play). Always a fuckload of food and you don't really have to pay for anything - although common courtesy is that you throw in for the 50/50 raffle they do or something.

One of my friends has seats front row on the ground level and went to last year's Skins game dressed as Gorilla Santa. Actually got him on the big screen several times plus a couple websites. Said he's considering just wearing a gorilla suit to every game now which would just be hilariously awful.</font>

[Next Big Thing]

I'm calling it now: Falcons vs. Patriots in the Super Bowl and Matty Ice pulls off a dramatic fourth quarter comeback. I also predict the Dirty Bird will come back around week 12 or 13.

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Seeing the Pats lose another Super Bowl last minute would be hilarious.

If I had to pick the SB matchup I'd most want to see, it'd probably be Giants (obviously) and the Broncos. It'd make everybody outside of New York, Denver, and Indy groan...but I'd love a Manning Super Bowl.

Giants vs. Steelers would be a fun one as well. They had an epic game back in 2008 and for a while I was certain SB 43 was gonna be those two teams. Rivers would off himself at seeing Eli and Ben playing for a third ring.</font>

[DaveBrawl]

The funny thing is Dan Marino took over for a team that was a decade removed from the only perfect season ever. He was statistically not as good as Romo and never won a championship. Yet not only do you rarely hear people talk about him as a shitty QB, some actually even consider him the greatest of all time. Nonsensical, I say.

Dan Marino held every major and most minor qb record when he retired, is 3rd or 4th in all time wins among quarterbacks, and made a Super Bowl only to lose to one of the greatest football teams of all time. How is that not statistically better than Romo? Don't get me wrong I believe Romo gets way more flack than he deserves, but to compare him to Marino and to try to use stats to do it is ridiculous.

[Evil Vito]

I have my SB46 Eli jersey ready to go.

[#1-norm-fan]

Dan Marino held every major and most minor qb record when he retired, is 3rd or 4th in all time wins among quarterbacks, and made a Super Bowl only to lose to one of the greatest football teams of all time. How is that not statistically better than Romo? Don't get me wrong I believe Romo gets way more flack than he deserves, but to compare him to Marino and to try to use stats to do it is ridiculous.

QB rating: Marino 86.4, Romo 96.9
Completion percentage: Marino 59.4, Romo 64.5
Yards per pass attempt: Marino 6.9, Romo 7.3
5.0% of Marino's passes were TDs, 5.7% of Romo's passes were TDs
3.0% of Marino's passes were INTs, 2.8 of Romo's passes were INTs

How is it ridiculous to compare him to Marino using stats? He's statistically better in every stat that doesn't rely on sheer quantity of games played. I know people kinda make jokes about Marino not winning a championship but how often did he actually get flack remotely close to Romo level?

[Innovator]

I have my SB46 Eli jersey ready to go.

My wife asked me, "Are you excited for the Giants tomorrow?" right as the Rays made the last out to put the Yankees into the tie with the Orioles.

"Thank god for the Giants."

[Gonzo]

Leaving in a bit here for Jersey. #ALLIN

[Nark Order]

Dan Marino held every major and most minor qb record when he retired, is 3rd or 4th in all time wins among quarterbacks, and made a Super Bowl only to lose to one of the greatest football teams of all time. How is that not statistically better than Romo? Don't get me wrong I believe Romo gets way more flack than he deserves, but to compare him to Marino and to try to use stats to do it is ridiculous.

Not to mention that its much easier for QBs to put up silly stats now than it was when Marino played.

[Nark Order]

Also, #1wwffan. You are starting to sound like Droford defending Flacco. Stop that

[Innovator]

I've waited for the Giants one, here it is:


Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New York Giants
Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the New York Giants. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the New York Giants. This final 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.

1. Because you don't suck. OK, so it's a bit of stretch to say that the Giants suck when they're coming off their second Super Bowl victory in five years. This is a team that has a clutch quarterback, good coaches, a respected owner, a competent front office, and the best pass rush in football. God, how I loathe them. Why can't my team EVER get its shit together like that? Fucking annoying.

You might think that this whole Why Your Team Sucks series is just a grand exercise in trolling. And to some extent, it is. (When Skip Bayless trolls, he's a dick, but when we do it, it's adorable.) But I assure you that there have been moments when I have legitimately hated every team in the NFL, when the kind of hateful shit we've said here about every team in the league has come from a place of true anger and frustration. I hate the other 31 NFL teams when they beat my team, and I hate my own team when it fails, time and again, to win anything. And sometimes, I like that frustration, the way you like torturing yourself with love songs after a bad breakup. It's just nice to CARE, even if caring means you have to watch stupid Eli Manning with his big dumb face luck his way into two Super Bowls while your team eats shit for the 50th consecutive year. You know I heard that he's dumb as a brick? And hung like a Giant Slinky. But dumb as a fucking brick. Stupid Eli.

2. Teacher's pet. I hate that the Giants are essentially the favored sons of NFL headquarters. You can see Roger Goodell creaming his pants with ginger red semen any time he gets to hand the Lombardi trophy to a Rooney or a Mara. Even though this league loves to tout parity, I know it makes Goodell and his flying-monkey henchmen crazy happy when their big major-market team wins it all. The Giants are living proof of the NFL's hidden desire to become more like baseball, with a clearly defined caste system of have and have-nots. It still rankles me that this team got a free extra home game after Katrina struck New Orleans, and then all the asshole Giants fans turned around and shouted "I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR SWIMMIES!" at visiting New Orleans fans. What a bunch of pricks. The Giants and their fans think they're so fucking classy. Please. These people would throw iceballs at a baby.


Speaking of which ...

3. Giants fans are repulsive. There's nothing classy about Giants fans. They're just as shitty as Jets fans: a bunch of wannabe goodfellas from Jersey who insist on talking as if they were personally raised by Andrew Dice Clay. I don't know how this team ended up becoming the supposedly more cosmopolitan of the two New York teams when they play in the same shitty swamp and attract the same kind of dickhead fans. Honestly, you could make all Jets and Giants fans swap jerseys and you'd never be able to tell the difference. "But no one from Rahway roots for the ..." SHUT UP I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. In fact, you know what? Giants fans are worse. Giants fans are just off-duty Yankees fans. They're spoiled, horrible little people who spend 80 percent of their day grabbing their balls in front of strange women. Tom Coughlin could win six more titles and these dicks would still pine for Bill Parcells. Never have so many championships been gifted to such miserable human beings. Look at these people. These are the people who make Axe fragrances such a lucrative business:


4. This team does not like defending titles. Going to a Super Bowl is usually a cue for the Giants to spend the next season wading in knee-deep shit. This is not a franchise that tolerates success for very long. It's now time for them to sink down to 8-8, get Eli killed thanks to horrible line play (featuring Gregggg Easterbrook's league MVP David Diehl, who gave up only 13 sacks last season!), try in vain to work Martellus Bennett into the offense (he's not very good), and bring Tom Coughlin right to the very edge of not getting a contract extension. You people can't fool me. I've got the pattern down now.

5. Hear it from Giants fans!

Bobby Big Wheel:

Only by the grace of beating the Patriots twice in the Super Bowl does the rest of America not hate us. And that will probably end the second they meet an actual live Giants fan. No, I don't mean the erudite dipshits like myself and Bakes who can feign being level-headed for 3 quarters before tweeting FUCK BILL SHERIDAN over and over.

No, I mean the Chris Christie-loving, chinstrap beard-having, glass-earring wearing motherfuckers who overrun the Meatpacking District every weekend. They're out there, and they're going to expand like the compound interest on Mitt Romney's Swiss bank account because they love a winner (most of them were Jets fans a few years ago). Soon we're going to be Steelers fans except without the blue collar kitsch. And you'll be sitting at an airport bar next to a Vikings fan joking about the time that we actually had to trot out Kent Graham at quarterback and he's not going to give a fuck. Because you're a Giants fan, and that means you suck. Welcome to the new normal.

Joe:

Even after the New York Giants win the Super Bowl, AGAIN, despite all statistical evidence and clutch performances, everyone still thinks Eli Manning is the Butters of NFL Quarterbacks. And his Elway-fellating Robocop-neck big brother is still going to get more reverential sound bites than him.

Phil:

Tiki Barber should die in a cock fire.

John:

The Giants offense only works fluently during the two-minute warning. Why? Because that's the only time of the game Eli calls his own plays.

Fuck you Gilbride. You look like a failed, alcoholic Canadian shoe salesman.

Cory:

I go to high school in New Jersey after the Giants won the NFC Championship this fatass came into one of my classes with a Giants NFC Championship shirt on. My friend Dave goes up to this piece of lard and goes "Didn't you wear a Mark Sanchez jersey two weeks ago?" to which he responded BUT I LIKE THE GIANTS NOW. There are thousands of these fair weather asswipes throughout the tri-state area. Fuck all of them.

Matt:

The dregs of society that came out for the ticker tape parade made me vomit. Let me rephrase that: the dregs of society that really couldn't care less about football, let alone the Giants, that came out for the ticker tape parade made me vomit. On one side of me was a pregnant high schooler that was using her pregnancy as an excuse to get her friends closer to the front, on the other was a punk smoking weed and trying to fight the elderly.

Lucas:

Terrell Thomas' right knee.

Chuck:

One of the side-effects of winning multiple Super Bowls in a short span is that your team gets the vomitous "Does Things the Right Way" label. The franchise becomes a glowing beacon of all that is good and righteous with the sport. The actual reasons for the team's success (good drafting, B to B+ coaching, Pro Bowl QB) becomes heart, toughness and organizational integrity. Having gritty (slow, white) Chase Blackburn start in the Super Bowl because of lack of depth at LB is no longer an error, it becomes inspired! (Did you see him leap 6 inches for that INT! What a play!) Miscreants like Burress and Shockey who were dumped for being washed up, are retroactively released because of their character issues. Of course, this is all fantastical bullshit. Because if Eli were to wake up with a dead hooker in his bed tomorrow, Jerry Reese and company would be dumping her in the swamps long before they'd think of cutting him.

Dan:

Eli just looks like he lived through all of the Saw movies.

Mike:

This will happen at least once this year:

Fourth Quarter under 5 mins up 4.

Giants get the ball on their 15 after an amazing defensive stand.

First down:
50 yard pass attempt falls nowhere near the receiver (Manning looks confused, Coughlin looks as though he just took a shit in his pants).

Second down:
Run to the outside, lose 3 yards (Giants fans call for the heads of everyone in the organization)

Third and long:
Screen pass. Lose 3 more yards.

Fourth Down:
Punt out of the endzone.

Thank God for Steve Weatherford.

Ian:

Yeah they just won the Super Bowl. And they've got that big shiny stadium. Which I will never see because it's either that or pay rent and I want to be able to afford to make it back into the city from Jersey because those people have rectal sores.

LeighAnne:

"Let's go Giants (CLAP, CLAP. CLAPCLAPCLAP)." Repeat at least 100 times during games. Worse than Steelers fans.

Andrew:

Our fanbase spends 364 days of the year cursing the offense and one day celebrating it.

Our owner's granddaughter is dating Justin Long.

We are the only team in league history to win two SBs in 4 years and have NO ONE (even our fans) argue that we are a dynasty because we could (and have) just as easily lose to the Browns.

Mike:

I give it about six weeks into this season before Giants fans are calling up WFAN demanding the heads of Tom Coughlin, Jerry Reese and Eli Manning. Giants fans LOVE Bill Cowher, despite the fact that he only won one Super Bowl in the 76 years he was head coach of the Steelers. Bill Cowher is the 60 Minutes of NFL head coaches, which explains why so many white, middle-aged, entitled-feeling Giants fans adore him so much.

Giants fans also DESPISE any black player who speaks his mind to the media. Antrel Rolle is not well liked here, despite him playing an integral role on this team's defense and actually playing quite well. He also gives by far the best interviews of anyone on this team. Ask any Giant fan, though, and they'll take Tyler Sash over him any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

Andrew:

Watching Eli Manning take the play clock down to :00 every single play is absolutely maddening.

Ricky:

We had a perfectly good stadium, but replaced it with what looks like an oversized air conditioner and increased ticket prices by 500%.

Justin:

Our fans are predominantly arrogant fecal faced Yankee fans who get amped up for football just to distract themselves from the panic of the Yankees' division lead (God forbid) slipping under 6 games. We're horribly represented at games by trust fund babies from "Westchessstahh" and Bergen County, guido babies from Staten Island, and Madoff victims because they're the only ones who can afford to go.

Our greatest players never retire quietly and it's annoying. Our greatest running back ever pulled an Ides of March on the locker room and a Barry Sanders on the fan base at the same time, only to go on and be Matt Lauer's morning coffee bitch. Our greatest defensive lineman ever is a failed sitcom actor who is about to parlay his mini-golf obstacle like tooth gap to be Kelly Ripa's morning coffee bitch. Our greatest linebacker and defensive player ever is not just a cokehead, but also came close to being a convicted raping pedophiliac. Our future greatest QB ever may not even be the best QB at his family potato sack race and will probably do horrible commercials for Cialis in 20 years.

We share a sterile $800 million pile of garbage with the Jets, so we suck by association anyway. E-Z Pass was invented so people can drive thru that latrine faster. Einstein lived there because he knew it was the last place the Nazis would ever want to occupy.

Ben:

"Unstoppable. Eli Manning is." Christ, that commercial.

Andrew:

When you go to an NFL game, you expect to drive to the stadium, pay $20 to park and tailgate within a line of sight of the stadium that you can easily walk to, right? If you don't buy a parking pass and decide to go to a Giants game, you have to park 2 miles away in the parking lot of the Apple Corrugated Box Company, which is an even more dank and dark place than you could imagine because the parking lot has no lights, and take a yellow school bus to the stadium. Oh, and that privilege costs you $30 to boot. There's nowhere to park because somebody though it was a great idea to build the world's ugliest shopping mall in the middle of the Meadowlands lot. This place makes Kramer's Technicolor Dreamcoat look like something you show an epileptic person to calm them down.

Once you make it to the stadium, you make your way to your seat passing about a half dozen "clubs" on the way, which is a little befuddling because why would anybody that has any interest in football go to a game to sit in a club the whole time? When the crowd starts filtering you, you begin to get the answer to that question. You become surrounded by nothing but asshole hedge fund and wall street kids that know nothing about the game and spend the whole time taking pictures of themselves and updating Facebook to show everybody how cool they are. Giants score a TD, nothing. Nicki Minaj song comes on during a timeout, these people lose their shit. This is because PSL and ticket prices are so God damn high that these assholes are the only ones that can afford to go to a game anymore.

Matt:

Try having fun at a tailgate with 80,000 AARP members who all formerly owned "contracting businesses".

Will:

The Giants are undoubtedly the team of the surburban frat crowd AND the smarmy Manhattan pseudo-fan crowd, so that our fan base is an unholy mix of bros from Westchester, Long Island and New Jersey who went to Lehigh, Hofstra, Monmouth or Quinnipiac for undergrad (if they are a legacy they wound up at Georgetown , Cornell or Dartmouth), love pounding natty light in their topsiders and lacoste polos even though they are 34 with children. All of them were friends with at least one member of the Duke Lacrosse team during the whole rape scandal. These bros probably played high school soccer or lax, are as waspy as it comes, and love yelling out "Eeeeliiii" and holding up their solo cup of Bud Light (they call it "BL") like hes their fucking frat brother every time he makes a good play. It might go without saying, but they wear backwards fitted caps and feature an unusually high number of Mets fans (I don't understand this phenomenon but its true). Piazza? They love LT even though they never saw him play and the over/under for college date rapes is 3.7 per year of school.

The Manhattanites, despite liking football, secretly wish the masses werent so into it, so they don't come to many games but instead support the Giants because they are perceived as the more civilized football team in New York, unlike the working class goobmas who love the Jets. These people are lawyers and make gobs of money and when the Giants suck they disappear like bed bugs and spend all winter at Lincoln Center or Broadway shows, only to re-emerge when the scent of "winning" returns. They "summer" in Rhode Island, Long Island or in Cape May (nowhere north of Atlantic City).

Also, "Blah blah the Mara's are the best, most morally upstanding family in the history of people post-Christ, blah fucking blah." Being rich is fucking easy. You hang out, donate money to children's hospitals and not offend anyone publicly. Lets not start acting like just because they arent the Koch brothers the Mara's are all collectively deserving of sainthood. They're still part of the unholy owners alliance that actively fucks both the fans and the players every chance they get.

Brian:

Can we talk about Matt Dodge? What a fucking asspile that guy was.

Alpine:

Look around the stadium when the Giants score a touchdown. You'll see stock brokers who suddenly turn into ghetto princes as they bump chests and chant dumb shit like "Yea SON! Yea BOYEE!" The guy who was 5 seconds ago crying for Eli Manning to be replaced by every former QB in history back to fucking Kent Graham is now nodding his head and clapping like a douche while saying: "Atta boy. Dere ya go. Dere ya go." That's if you even know there's been a touchdown, since 50% of the stadium is filled with 85 year old pepaws that need a defibrillator to show signs of life.

Our Stadium: It's the most expensive garage ever built. Everywhere you look it's fucking gray concrete, the only thing to break it up is the shitty neon lights and the giant Verizon lounge.

All of this, and when we're good, I mean good enough to have two amazing post season runs and beat the asshole Patriots twice in the fucking SUPER BOWL... who is on the back page of every goddamn newspaper in town? Tim TEBOW. Fuck.

Sam:

Giants fans are the new Patriots fans. It's all about how "disrespected" we are when analysts don't pick us to repeat as Super Bowl champs.

And one more thing. Pizza and bagels are good in other places. That is all.

Ryan:

After the Giants won the Super Bowl last year, my friend Pat was on the verge of tears and said, "This may be the last time I ever see the Giants win a Super Bowl."

You've got to be fucking kidding me right? Giants fans are so delusional that they actually think that THEY are the underdogs.

Andrew:

We are the luckiest team of all time. 3 of the 4 Super Bowl wins were gifts. Norwood wide right. Eli fumbling, Asante Samuel dropping an INT, Jacobs barely converting 4th and 1 and the Helmet Catch on the same game winning drive. Last year, our always hurt #1 running back scored the game winning TD when he tried to fall down and we barely survived a Hail Mary in the end zone on the final play. That was after an end-of-the-season run during which Romo overthrew Miles Austin, we caught Green Bay after it hadn't played a real game in a month (and Nicks caught a Hail Mary) and our only offense in the NFC Championship Game was courtesy of the other guy's punt returner. All of that pales in comparison to our luck on the macro level, where every year we have a chance because our division rivals are guided by Jerry Jones, Daniel Snyder and Andy Reid.

Steve:

The average age of a fan in the lower bowl of Metlife Stadium is approximately 102. The entire lower level is basically the New Jersey chapter of the Tea Party. I've seen as many "NOBAMA" shirts as I have Jeremy Shockey jerseys that have been "personally edited" to turn into Victor Cruz jerseys.

Alex:

Any drunk off the street could be our second cornerback right now.

Rob:

We are absolutely obnoxious and completely spoiled. Every Giants fan in my generation has seen and can remember winning FOUR SUPER BOWLS, yet all we ever talk about is how the Giants play too many close games (because watching Eli lead game-winning drives all the time is just SO brutal), Kevin Gilbride sucks, Perry Fewell sucks, our secondary has too many injuries, we haven't had a solid linebacking corps since Gary Reasons retired, blah blah blah. We can recite every bad loss the team has ever had and act like the most tortured fanbase in the world, while in reality the team has given us more joy than we truly deserve. Meanwhile, one of my best friends is a Jets fan (god bless him) who would give either of his testicles (and probably both) just to see his team get to the Super Bowl, and another is a Bears fan, and the best QB they've had in his entire life is fuckface Jay Cutler. The one time in his adult life they got to the Super Bowl, he had to watch Rex Grossman fuck it up for him. These two guys sit there every week through countless emails and it's amazing they haven't killed one of us yet.

Chappy:

Tom Coughlin is either physically unable to grow facial hair, or he shaves 7 times a day. Perma pre-oven turkey skinned ass motherfucker.

[DaveBrawl]

QB rating: Marino 86.4, Romo 96.9
Completion percentage: Marino 59.4, Romo 64.5
Yards per pass attempt: Marino 6.9, Romo 7.3
5.0% of Marino's passes were TDs, 5.7% of Romo's passes were TDs
3.0% of Marino's passes were INTs, 2.8 of Romo's passes were INTs

How is it ridiculous to compare him to Marino using stats? He's statistically better in every stat that doesn't rely on sheer quantity of games played. I know people kinda make jokes about Marino not winning a championship but how often did he actually get flack remotely close to Romo level?

Yes but Marino's stats all dropped in his last few years (like all players) dragging all of those numbers down. I don't know them off of the top of my head but if you check him through however many season's Romo has played I'd say Marino is probably going to have higher numbers.

The level of media scrutiny 10 years ago when he retired was nowhere near where it is now. I'd say for the time it was probably rather high for someone that didn't play for one of the prime NFL teams.

[Skippord]

Romo's also played with way better players

[OssMan]

Can't wait to hear about everybody's fantasy teams

[#1-norm-fan]

Also, #1wwffan. You are starting to sound like Droford defending Flacco. Stop that

There is a HUGE difference. Romo gets way more shit than Flacco despite being better.

The fact that I actually have to defend that Romo isn't a shit QB is insane.

Flacco doesn't get much shit. Droford defends him as if he does though.

[Evil Vito]

I only have to decide whether or not to play Nicks in the 2 teams I have him on. Even with his foot injury I could still see him putting up a TD. Prolly gonna leave him in.

[#1-norm-fan]

Romo's also played with way better players

He has. He's also made Laurent Robinson look like a top 5 receiver in the league.

I think Clayton and Duper were pretty good too.

[#1-norm-fan]

I have Romo and David Wilson. Wilson will not be starting.

[Kris P Lettus]

I only have to decide whether or not to play Nicks in the 2 teams I have him on. Even with his foot injury I could still see him putting up a TD. Prolly gonna leave him in.

I have to decide to play Witten tonight, if they clear him, or Olsen.. Prolly gonna play Olsen and wait til week two to start Witten..

[Innovator]

I'd go with Olsen. I know Witten is a security blanket for Romo, but if he can play he might just be a decoy.

With that said, Witten is always good for a couple 14 yard seam completions against the Giants.

[Emperor Smeat]

I've waited for the Giants one, here it is:

Joe:

Even after the New York Giants win the Super Bowl, AGAIN, despite all statistical evidence and clutch performances, everyone still thinks Eli Manning is the Butters of NFL Quarterbacks.

:lol: Almost spit out the soda I was drinking from laughing when I read that. Everything previous is pretty serious or "troll" worthy until that statement.

[#1-norm-fan]

Tom Coughlin looks like a bunny rabbit.

[#1-norm-fan]

Or at least like he's in the process of turning into one.

[Evil Vito]

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/_1uaw9-N01E" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[Kris P Lettus]

I'm just gonna start Olsen.. I think he'll have a pretty big season anyway with Shockey being gone..

[Innovator]

Got my Superbowl 46 CHAMPION shirt on, going to have to suffer through 3-5 innings on Yankee baseball until FOOTBALL

[Kris P Lettus]

Why?? It's a nationally televised game on NBC...

[Hanso Amore]

QB rating: Marino 86.4, Romo 96.9
Completion percentage: Marino 59.4, Romo 64.5
Yards per pass attempt: Marino 6.9, Romo 7.3
5.0% of Marino's passes were TDs, 5.7% of Romo's passes were TDs
3.0% of Marino's passes were INTs, 2.8 of Romo's passes were INTs

How is it ridiculous to compare him to Marino using stats? He's statistically better in every stat that doesn't rely on sheer quantity of games played. I know people kinda make jokes about Marino not winning a championship but how often did he actually get flack remotely close to Romo level?

The Cowboys have won so many titles, and are one of the top franchises in league history. Dont see why their fans need to try to play the victim card so much. OH NOES, A Giants fans, enemy to cowboys fans, doesn't respect Romo. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. Same reason why eveyr bar in Buffalo has some guy trying to downplay Tom Brady.

Not sure why you are getting bunches in your panties.

[Kris P Lettus]

God I hate Rodney Harrison..

"This is a MUST win for the Cowboys"..

It's week 1..

[Kris P Lettus]

Correction Officer Ross

[Hanso Amore]

For reals. I find nothing he says is interesting and care nothing about his personality. Once in awhile Dungee will drop some deep wisdom, but nothing out of Harrisons mouth has ever been worth my time.

Wonder why they went with him. Some Wizard was like "HARRISON IS A MUST HAVE"

[Kris P Lettus]

They need Darren Sharper.. He does local annalist in NOLA and is a fucking natural.. Uber charisma on camera..

[Hanso Amore]

ESPN added Damien Woody. No idea why. Just heavy breathing and Diabeetus.

[Crimson]

Let's kick this bitch off already. Is it at 530 or like at 545? hate when they delay it for no reason.

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Witten is active. I still think he'll be used primarily as a decoy though.

A couple of surprising inactives for the Giants. Both Jerrel Jernigan and Da'Rel Scott are out, so I have zero idea who's handling the kickoffs and punt returns.

More surprising is that Ojomo is inactive after his awesome pre-season. I guess Adrian Tracy is good enough to play.

30 minutes til gametime. So excited.</font>

[#1-norm-fan]

The Cowboys have won so many titles, and are one of the top franchises in league history. Dont see why their fans need to try to play the victim card so much. OH NOES, A Giants fans, enemy to cowboys fans, doesn't respect Romo. NO SHIT SHERLOCK. Same reason why eveyr bar in Buffalo has some guy trying to downplay Tom Brady.

Not sure why you are getting bunches in your panties.

When did I just say "Giants fans hate Romo"? lol. In fact the only mention of the Giants specifically hating Romo was Gonzo making the reference that the star on his helmet is why he hates him. Even he's not trying to reason why he's just an abomination to the position of QB in the NFL though.

If someone tried to say Tom Brady sucks as a QB, I'd be just as quick to say "Well, you're a blind, biased moron." as I am when someone tries to say Romo is a shitty QB.

[Hanso Amore]

The only person mentioning anything bad about Romo is Gonzo, a Giants fan. And even thats not that bad. So who are you defending him to? No one? "Media"? Seems like you are way too defensive on a subject no one is attacking on.

[#1-norm-fan]

Ugh. Kinda don't want Witten to get a lot of playing time. A lacerated spleen. Kinda wish he'd just heel up completely and not risk fucking it up worse.

[#1-norm-fan]

The only person mentioning anything bad about Romo is Gonzo, a Giants fan. And even thats not that bad. So who are you defending him to? No one? "Media"? Seems like you are way too defensive on a subject no one is attacking on.

I didn't say anyone here was attacking him. Go back and look. I started the conversation. I wasn't defending him against anyone here. I was making a statement after seeing the newest wave of "Tony Romo is an awful quarterback"/"The Cowboys would be much better without Romo". I didn't know it was news that a shitload of people say this. I brought up the subject of how ridiculous those statements are.

[#1-norm-fan]

lol. Seriously, you act like I came on and just said "YOU FUCKERS THINK ROMO IS SHIT! YOU'RE ALL FUCKING RETARDED!" as opposed to "A shitload of people really feel the need to justify their hate for Romo by saying he's s shitty QB and Dallas needs to get rid of him and it's ridiculous."

[Kris P Lettus]

Gwen Stefani looks exactly like she did in 1993..

[Ermaximus]

That's not a bad thing.

[CSL]

she sounds like somebody is strangling her however

[Kris P Lettus]

It;s excellent.. she looks just like she did when I was in 7th grade and obsessed with her..

[#1-norm-fan]

I had no idea No Doubt still existed.

[Ermaximus]

Ok Vito, I need Eli to throw like 6 TD's and no INT's tonight and all of his TD's need to be over 40 yard throws.

[Kris P Lettus]

Alright fellows time for FOOTBALL..

Be back to bitch if Witten has like 60 yards and a TD at the half..

[#1-norm-fan]

Ok Vito, I need Eli to throw like 6 TD's and no INT's tonight and all of his TD's need to be over 40 yard throws.

lol. Usually people make requests like that when they're behind big. Not before the first game. You greedy asshole.

[Ermaximus]

lol. Usually people make requests like that when they're behind big. Not before the first game. You greedy asshole.

I don't care, the guy I'm playing took Ray Rice and Matt Forte. I need massive points from ole Eli.

[James Steele]

Holy shit, WrestleMania is going to be an amazing sight in MetLife Stadium.

Fuck the Giants.

[James Steele]

I hate when people decide to change up the National Anthem. It's the National Anthem - it isn't supposed to change or be open to creative interpretation.

[Ermaximus]

Fuck Jerry Jones.

Couldn't agree more Mr. Steele. :cool:

[James Steele]

:lol:

The only thing someone could say about Jerry Jones and I get offended would be that he was a cheapskate.

[#1-norm-fan]

Had no idea Martellus Bennett was the starting TE.

[#1-norm-fan]

What a shitty block.

[James Steele]

Now, let's see if we can not shit down our leg on offense.

[James Steele]

:nono:

[James Steele]

It's not a bad thing to run the ball on 2nd down. Also, you can run something other than fucking iso on 1st down.

[Emperor Smeat]

Pretty dumb move by the RB to try to jump backwards instead of just plowing forward. He got bounced backwards by almost a yard.

[James Steele]

Shut up Collinsworth, I'd almost guarantee you the center knew Eli Manning's hands weren't on his butt.

[Innovator]

Bradshaw needs to relearn how to run north south

[McLegend]

Did anyone say football?

[Innovator]

Dez burning off some of that house arrest energy

[Innovator]

There we go

[CSL]

deeefennnce

[Innovator]

Fucking gilbride

[Innovator]

Good call refs.

[Skippord]

the Giants definitely need to run the ball up the middle more

[Crimson]

Damn offensive line will be a problem all year. Can only imagine what Romo could do with decent protection...with that said a big pass to DEZ!

[Crimson]

Cruz 2 dropped passes..won't mind seeing those all night

[Emperor Smeat]

:lol: didn't take long but the fans already booing and turning against their Giants

[Evil Vito]

Giants looking terrible so far.

[Innovator]

Interesting strategy to let ogletree keep running by them, let's see if it pays off

[Skippord]

Victor Cruz LAID that motherfucker out

[Droford]

If these are the good refs, I'm glad the ravens have 3 of their first 4 games in prime time to avoid the shitty refs..

[Droford]

Might actually have a game finally

[Innovator]

I miss Ed Hochuli

[Innovator]

Wow they actually showed Garrett and not Ryan

[Crimson]

Freaking Hatcher

[Skippord]

showed who now?

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Fucking O-line. God damn.</font>

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Ogletree will be picked up in every fantasy league tomorrow even though this really just shows the Giants didn't plan for him at all.</font>

[Innovator]

Cowboys are going to win, Giants can't get out of their own way

[Skippord]

they also can't get in Kevin Ogletree's way

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>I knew I had a bad feeling about this game for a reason. EVERYBODY was picking the Giants.</font>

[Innovator]

Or Murray's

[Crimson]

Murray looking beastly

[Crimson]

We need a TD here, the hell with a fg

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>lol these flags are actually killing time. Ugh.</font>

[CSL]

like to think the ref was aiming for Romo with that flag

[Emperor Smeat]

Ton of flags being tossed during this current Cowboys drive.

[Crimson]

Ok i'll take a fg with all these damn o-line penalties, we're going backwards

[Crimson]

WOOOO..Milessss

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Game over.</font>

[Innovator]

Good job corners, standing there works very well

[Crimson]

Alright, let's see this defense hold up now. Last year Cowboys blow this lead and lose the game.

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>0-1 isn't the end of the world, but it just fucking sucks that I now have to wait 11 days to hopefully see a Giants win.

Also there's a couple of Cowboys fans at work who are bound to give me shit. Which is annoying simply because there's zero reason for people in CT to be Cowboys fans. '90s bandwagoner assholes.</font> :mad:

[Skippord]

Victor Cruz is pretty good at breaking up passes

[Skippord]

#allyourbasearebelongtokevinogletree

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Welp, with the Giants' brutal schedule Week 2 against Tampa might already be a must-win game.</font>

[Skippord]

they should probably fire Tom Coughlin

[Team Sheep]

Hard luck Giants ;)

[Droford]

The eagles are going to win the nfc east...

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Sadly this will also lead to a week and a half of discussion on whether or not Cruz is done.</font>

[Droford]

Tony romo finally going to do something this year

[Crimson]

He dropped 3 balls, but I don't see how he's done. Carr is no slouch at corner

[McLegend]

Boooooo Cowboys win

[McLegend]

Yayyyyy Giants lose.

[SlickyTrickyDamon]

Wow first defending champion to lose at home opener in 8 seasons. Haw-haw.

[Team Sheep]

Hard luck Giants ;)

[#1-norm-fan]

FUUUUUUUUCKKKK YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

[#1-norm-fan]

Seriously thought Witten's hold was gonna cost Dallas the game just for some fucked up irony. Fuck. Super Bowl champs... opening night... after all the usual Super Bowl celebration jerk off ceremony... in front of their home crowd... AND it was the Giants. So happy right now.

[James Steele]

I have a raging boner. Simply amazing feeling right now.

[#1-norm-fan]

James Steele's all about raging boners right now.

[#1-norm-fan]

But me too

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>A week and a half of Cowboys fans acting like they've won the Super Bowl...

Fuck me.</font> :(

[James Steele]

A week and a half of Cowboys fans acting like they've won the Super Bowl...

Fuck me. :(

I will...

[James Steele]

WITH JERRY JONES' 500 BILLION DOLLAR COCK!

[James Steele]

http://www.fantasytrade411.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Urkel-and-Jones.jpg

[James Steele]

http://lonestarsportsledger.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/jerry-jones1.jpg

[James Steele]

How long is your obscenely rich and awesome cock, Jerry?

http://sports-kings.com/downanddistance/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/p1.jerry-jones.ap_.jpg

[James Steele]

http://www.terezowens.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/jerry-jones.jpg

[James Steele]

It's ok Giants fans, Uncle Jerry has something to cheer you up:

http://www.terezowens.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/Jones-Raps.jpg

[James Steele]

I'm done and apologize for the photobombing, but I didn't realize googling Jerry Jones would produce so many interesting results.

[Supreme Olajuwon]

Hey guys. Dan Marino is probably a better quarterback than Tony Romo.

K Bye :wave:

[#1-norm-fan]

<font color=goldenrod>A week and a half of Cowboys fans acting like they've won the Super Bowl...

Fuck me.</font> :(

lol. Thankfully James Steele is here to do all the showboating I'm trying to hold back.

[#1-norm-fan]

But really. At least the fans in attendance got to see a little pre-game celebration and party before... well you know...

[#1-norm-fan]

Hey guys. Dan Marino is probably a better quarterback than Tony Romo.

K Bye :wave:

Dan Marino never threw a single touchdown pass to Kevin Ogletree. Thus making your point invalid. It's science.

[James Steele]

As much as I hate the son of a bitch, there is something about Jerry Jones that I love. I believe it is called...

http://leaguelineup.com/swagger/images/swagger%20logo.jpg

[James Steele]

Seriously, what other NFL owner has the fucking balls to do damn Papa John's commercials after a decade and a half of mediocrity?

[#1-norm-fan]

IT'S A CELEBRATION!

http://assets.diylol.com/hfs/3c4/129/0e5/resized/jerry-jones-outrage-meme-generator-i-want-me-some-glory-hole-9328f0.jpg

[James Steele]

I don't normally act like this, but my utter hatred of the New York Giants makes it difficult not to rub this in your "lucky to make the playoffs and then we have to fucking hear how great you all are with your good qb and elite pass rush and shit for-fucking-ever because you beat the patriots...yadayadayadayada"

[DrA]

http://lonestarsportsledger.files.wordpress.com/2012/02/jerry-jones1.jpg

It looks like he's wearing the mask from Mrs. Doubtfire after it got run over by the bus.

[James Steele]

I'd mark the fuck out if I met Jerry Jones in a honky tonk.

[Crimson]

haha what a beautiful page 5

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>If you put a gun to my head and forced me to pick between a Cowboys SB win or an Eagles SB win, I honestly don't know what I'd pick.</font>

[#1-norm-fan]

I forgot Gonzo went to the game. Not good.

[James Steele]

:lol:

Just saw that glory hole video. Jerry Jones knew exactly what he was saying. No way a billionaire oil tycoon hasn't gotten his fair share of anonymous executive bathroom suite stall blowjobs. The fucking smirk he has is priceless. He wanted to fuck with everybody and test the waters for his new "batshit crazy old man with billions of dollars" gimmick.

[Gonzo]

Just got back.

The Giants played like shit. Stupid fundamental shit not getting done. The Cowboys played pretty well it seemed. Looked like they shored up the pass blocking in the second half and Romo started to really pick at the Giants secondary.

[Gonzo]

Also, this guy was sitting a couple seats to my right tonight:

http://ia.media-imdb.com/images/M/MV5BMjEwMzgyNTI0MF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwMTQ0OTI4._V1._SX214_CR0,0,214,314_.jpg

[Innovator]

Good game from the Cowboys showing up on opening night, Giants didn't.

[Evil Vito]

The O-Lines performance last night made me realize just how spoiled we were to have Diehl-Seubert-O'Hara-Snee-McKenzie for about 5 years.

[Innovator]

I don't get why they kept trying the left side when the best two linemen are Diehl and Snee

[Evil Vito]

I feel like I say this every year but the Gianta really ought to think of O-Line as a top priority in their next draft instead of just going with these 4th/5th round development projects.

Wait...Osi and Kiwi are free agents after this year. Defensive end = confirmed

[Hanso Amore]

Tony Romo sucks by the way

[Supreme Olajuwon]

Welp, Art Modell's dead.

K Bye. :wave:

[Evil Vito]

Gotta go to Mo's.

[#1-norm-fan]

Tony Romo sucks by the way

He certainly seems done after last night. Just... just terrible.

[Kris P Lettus]

Shut up Collinsworth, I'd almost guarantee you the center knew Eli Manning's hands weren't on his butt.

I bet you want Jim Ross to start calling NFL game, you inbred hillbilly..

[James Steele]

I bet you want Jim Ross to start calling NFL game, you inbred hillbilly..

He probably wouldn't be bad, but Jim Ross tries to turn everything into a football analogy (read his blog). I bet you want Dana White to fuck you in the ass while Joe Rogan screams how much of a technical wonder Dana is in the utter destruction of your asshole. Then, right as Dana White explodes gallons of his semen into your gaping orifice, Mike Goldberg will exclaim "IT'S ALL OVER!". Then, Dana will let you clean his boom mic.

[Triple Naitch]

Never realized that Modell is part of the same Modell's sporting goods family til just now.

[Emperor Smeat]

Modell probably has a good chance of making the Hall of Fame now considering almost nobody wanted to include him while he was alive in the several times he was on the ballot as punishment for the move.

I think the Ravens winning the title a few years after the move might have been worse for Cleveland than the actual move itself.

[Evil Vito]

I for one would love to see JR do NFL commentary. Even though he's liable to have an orgasm anytime an Oklahoma alum does something.

[Kris P Lettus]

A Jim Ross orgasm if the most disgusting thing I can ever think of..

[Evil Vito]

BAH GAWD BOOMER SOONER

[Evil Vito]

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/USHZZ5bwASU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

[#1-norm-fan]

Dallas' o-line was pretty fucking underwhelming for the money spent last night. Romo and Murray aren't gonna be able to make plays despite them all season. They need to hurry up and mesh. The only guy I really have faith in is Tyron Smith. A couple false starts but that tackle, even with the horsecollar which cost the team one measly yard but saved four points was fucking clutch. Also, he was certainly "down with JPP". Or "not down with JPP". Whichever is appropriate for the situation.

[Crimson]

Yep. The O-line is a mess. Last year it was the secondary this year it's this. But every team has somekinda weakness and they win superbowls despite..Romo will have to be superman this year.

[James Steele]

That John Clayton video is hilarious.

[James Steele]

A Jim Ross orgasm if the most disgusting thing I can ever think of..

Look outside and you'll probably find something more disgusting.

[Kris P Lettus]

http://www.grantland.com/story/_/id/8345525/honest-logos-patriots-cowboys-giants-rest-nfl

[Innovator]

http://a.espncdn.com/photo/2012/0906/grant_logos3x.jpg

[Next Big Thing]

This is my favorite time of the year. The weather forecast goes from "It's going to be hotter than Satan's gooch" to "There will be a nice crisp chill in the air and mostly sunny all day today," school starts back up and there's 24/7 NFL coverage to make studying/work go by faster. I'm so happy right now.

[Innovator]

I can't fucking wait for that crispness.

[Kris P Lettus]

Saints players win appeal and can play week 1..

wooooooooooooo

[Kris P Lettus]

http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/8349080/sources-suspensions-jonathan-vilma-smith-scott-fujita-anthony-hargrove-overturned-arbitration-panel

[Kris P Lettus]

Suspensions for four players connected to the New Orleans Saints' bounty scandal have been overturned by a three-man arbitration panel, sources tell ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter.

The ruling should clear Jonathan Vilma, Will Smith, Scott Fujita and Anthony Hargrove to start the season.

"Victory is mine!!!! -stewie griffin," Vilma tweeted Friday afternoon.

The panel's decision affects the players only, not suspended coaches Gregg Williams, Sean Payton and Joe Vitt.

The NFL Players Association and the four players had claimed in consolidated lawsuits that Goodell abused his authority and followed improper procedures in disciplining the players for a program that, according to NFL investigators, paid improper cash bonuses for tackles that injured opponents. The lawsuits sought to have the punishment handed down by Goodell thrown out. The arbitration ruling renders the lawsuits moot at this point.

A team source previously told ESPN's Ed Werder that Vilma planned to attend Sunday's season opener against the Washington Redskins, but believed he was at least a week or two from being ready to play because of a knee injury.

Information from ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter, ESPN's Ed Werder and The Associated Press was used in this report.

[DaveBrawl]

I can't fucking wait for that crispness.
Same here. Although I do dread getting the leaves out of the yard.

[Kris P Lettus]

So I guess we now have 2 active probowl MLB's??

woooo

[#1-norm-fan]

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/USHZZ5bwASU" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

:lol:

[Innovator]

Saints fans sent in twice as much hatemail to the guy who wrote the write ups than any other team.

[Kris P Lettus]

We :heart: our team..

[DaveBrawl]

I hope there isn't a Broncos one. I don't want to shatter the illusion that we are perfect in every way.

[Innovator]

I hope there isn't a Broncos one. I don't want to shatter the illusion that we are perfect in every way.


Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Denver Broncos
Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the Denver Broncos. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Denver Broncos. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.

1. John Elway Sideline Horseface. Last season marked one of the very few times that a sideline shot of a team executive was actually warranted, because nothing was more enjoyable than watching Tim Tebow pull game after game out of his ass and then see John Elway over on the sidelines, looking like a foiled supervillain. But now that Elway has masterfully run Godboy out of town, we're still gonna get 50 sideline shots of his big horsey mouth every game. Seriously, his teeth are huge and terrifying. He could bite an eggplant in half with that big disgusting horsemouth of his. Remember when Dikembe Mutombo was playing for the Nuggets, and they had Elway come out on the court and scream, "LET'S GET READY TO MUTOMBO!!!!!" and he did so like a roided-up nutcase? That was awful.

I don't need to watch John Elway clapping every time Peyton Manning hits a receiver on a 10-yard out. That will grow very old, very quickly. Elway and Manning are two of the most annoying players in NFL history, and I already know EXACTLY what Jon Gruden is gonna say about these two men joining forces: "Now THESE GUYS know a little something about playing the quarterback position." I've already heard plenty about how Peyton was drawn to Elway because they both have the heart of the champion, or some other horrible bullshit like that. I don't want a full season of it.

2. Let's talk about Fetushead's fetusneck. The worst-case scenario for Peyton Manning is that he spends all preseason telling everyone he's never felt better and reporters believe it (this will happen), and then he'll go re-injure his neck in Week 3 and never play football again. Actually, that's not the worst-case scenario. The worst-case scenario is that he gets kidnapped by drug lords and has his penis severed. But the SECOND worst-case scenario is that his neck gets re-fucked. Take it from someone who knows from spinal injuries: All it takes is one false move for Manning's fused neck to collapse again. It doesn't even have to be a big hit. He could slip another disk just by turning that big fat head of his. I strongly advise all Broncos haters to scream, "HEY ASSHOLE" at Peyton any time he walks down the street, so that he does a double-take and risks ending his career.

3. It won't be long until you remember why you hated Manning to begin with. Like you, I've had warm feelings toward Manning lately because he helped Elway troll Tebow. But soon he'll take the field again, and I'll remember why I rooted against him every time he played for the Colts. All that needless jittering in the pocket. All the violent overpraising from the analysts. All the goofy sulking he does after tossing a pick that he believes wasn't his fault. Peyton Manning the person is immensely likeable. Peyton Manning the football player is abhorrent. If we're lucky, he'll revert to 2010 form and once again be just great enough to lose at home in the divisional round. BOOSH! I hope you Broncos fans enjoy two to three years of going 11-5 before having to start all over again.

4. Who's Manning gonna throw to? Because Demaryius Thomas only knows how to run in a straight line. I'm sure Manning will transform Eric Decker into his patented "gritty white receiver everyone hates," the guy who catches passes exclusively on third and long and makes you wanna put your fist through a puppy's forehead. But the other wideouts are brutal, and new TE Joel Dreessen specializes in hoarding E's and S's and having big games ONLY when he resides on the fantasy football waiver wire. The second you pick him up, he puts a fucking bagel on the board. Fuck Joel Dreessssssseen. Fuck him hard. Oh, and they have Jacob Tamme. Fucking Jacob Tamme.

5. If you cut off Elvis Dumervil, he will threaten to shoot you.

[Ermaximus]

Inno, post the Jags one for me. I'll read the shame to myself.

[#1-norm-fan]

“They Won’t Magically Turn You Into A Lustful Cockmonster”: Chris Kluwe Explains Gay Marriage To The Politician Who Is Offended By An NFL Player Supporting It

Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo has spoken out in favor of a Maryland ballot initiative that would legalize gay marriage. Yahoo has published a letter that Maryland state delegate Emmett C. Burns Jr. wrote last week to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti, urging him to "inhibit such expressions from your employee." This is Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe's response to Burns.

"This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different than you, or act different than you? How does gay marriage, in any way shape or form, affect your life? If gay marriage becomes legal, are you worried that all of a sudden you'll start thinking about penis? "Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!" Will all of your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely, since gay people enjoy watching football too.)"

http://deadspin.com/5941348/they-wont-magically-turn-you-into-a-lustful-cockmonster-chris-kluwe-explains-gay-marriage-to-the-politician-who-is-offended-by-an-nfl-player-supporting-it

lol. Chris Kluwe is awesome.

[Innovator]

Inno, post the Jags one for me. I'll read the shame to myself.

Why Your Team Sucks 2012: Jacksonville Jaguars
Drew Magary
Some people are fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Jacksonville Jaguars. This 2012 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read the other Why Your Team Sucks 2012 previews here.

1. YOOOOOOOOOOO GABBERT GABBERT!!!! One of the great running jokes of this preseason is just how awful Blaine Gabbert has looked in training camp. Poor Jags beat writer Vito Stellino has been on hand all summer to watch Gabbert go one-for-12 playing against air. Stellino has taken great care to phrase Gabbert's abysmal play and the team's outright putridity as delicately as possible. He's a professional, after all.

Vito Stellino ‏@vitostellino

Another small crowd at practice . Jags fans don't seem to be all in.

The fact that Stellino knows he needs to sugarcoat the apathy only makes it more glaring. No word on if Gabbert has yet to perfect closing his eyes while throwing the ball, but I think after watching him play during his rookie season, we all know he's on his way. But don't worry, Jags fan. By Week 3, you'll have CHAD HENNE as your starting QB! That's right, Chad Henne: The Quarterback You Use When You Have No Quarterbacks. Would you like me to kill you now? I think you would. Don't worry, I'll make sure it's painless. Breathe easy.

2. Mike Mularkey is the Chan Gailey of Mike Mularkeys. It's hard to overstate how deflating it is to see your team hire a thoroughly useless retread like Mike Mularkey. Hiring a brand new coach is the ONE TIME a beaten down NFL fan gets to feel optimistic about the future. An unknown assistant or famous college coach may not guarantee success, but at least there's the PROMISE of something good. At least you can daydream that your team happened upon its own Mike Tomlin. But you don't even get to enjoy that momentary self-delusion when your team goes out and hires Mike fucking Mularkey. There's no upside to that. There's no hope to be wrung from such a rote, passionless hire. You may as well hire no one. You may as well gain 500 lbs. and delete your eHarmony profile because you clearly don't give a shit anymore.

Nothing about this hire makes sense. This is a team that has a new owner (Shahid "The Iron Hedgehog" Khan) and a rapidly dissolving fanbase. They could have hired Wolfman Rob Ryan! At least when you go 3-13 five years straight with Rob Ryan, you do it in style. There would be random stains ALL OVER the locker room if you had Rob Ryan as coach. This team needed to do something... ANYTHING... to prevent themselves from being an NFL nonentity. Ninety percent of all discussions involving the Jaguars feature at least one person asking, "Christ, why haven't they moved to L.A. already?" The team is stuck in Florida's asshole for the next two decades for no good reason. An optimized NFL is one in which the Jaguars are banished from the face of the fucking Earth.

3. Let's make fun of the receivers. There are three new wideouts in Jacksonville. The first is Justin Blackmon, who can get fantastic separation when he's driving 150 mph after chugging a gallon of paint thinner. Then there's Laurent Robinson, who is now free to go back to being Laurent Robinson after the Jags overpaid him for one nice season in Dallas. And then we have... LEE EVANS?! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Holy shit, Lee Evans is awful. I wouldn't trust Lee Evans to hold a sleeping baby. Lee Evans is the Mike Mularkey of journeyman wideouts.

4. Remember how everyone thought the wheels would fall off MJD last season? Turns out we were just one season too early. If and when his holdout ever ends, Pocket Hercules will be summarily run into the ground by Mularkey. I don't wanna see that happen. It would break my heart. I'd much prefer it if he held out forever and was far away from Jacksonville when the rising ocean tides come to claim the city for good, flooding all the buildings and Fred Durst's recording studio and dragging it all back out to sea. The town will settle at the bottom of the ocean and future anthropologists will discover it while scouring the ocean floor in a submersible. They'll come across the bones of 500-lb. Jacksonville citizens and name the wreckage FATLANTIS.

5. Hear it from an ex-Jags fan! I asked Dan Shanoff to contribute to this preview. This was his response:

Why do you ask? Oh wow, because of my thing about being a Jaguars fan from six years ago? That expired the night of the '10 draft when Tebow went to the Broncos. Your revised question: "Anything Jets-related you'd like to toss into the Deadspin preview?"

[DaveBrawl]

I guess my fears are absolved, because while Elway and Manning are apparently ghastly monsters, Broncos fans are still perfect angels.

[Ermaximus]

Hahahaha Lee Evans is the Mike Mularkey of journeymen receivers.

I suppose that review could have been worse, but I'm sure that honor went to the Browns.

[Next Big Thing]

John Clayton has no hops. Love that video though.

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>I'm in a huge survival pool at work. There were 166 entries in the pool this year at $20 a pop. Winner take all so it's a nice payday.

55 picked the Texans this week, 36 Lions, 31 Eagles, 22 Bears. Everyone else had 10 or fewer.

Went with the Eagles. Texans have a cakewalk schedule that I can exploit later on, and I'll probably save the Lions and Bears for games against the Vikings and such. Like the rest of the NFC East the Eagles have a brutal schedule so that division is hard to forecast - so I'll take 'em now. Plus if the Eagles lost to the Browns of all people, that would be worth the $20 alone. :o</font>

[Evil Vito]

<font color=goldenrod>Art Modell will be honored with a moment of silence at every NFL stadium today, EXCEPT Cleveland. Modell's family specifically requested that they don't have it in Cleveland because they're fully aware the fans would boo.</font>

[Next Big Thing]

Julio Jones broke out the dirty bird way to early. It's not supposed to come out until we're running train on the Saints at home. Not for the Chiefs. It was a weak version too.

[SlickyTrickyDamon]

Brady un-ties Elway with career Touchdowns 5th place.

[Ermaximus]

Damn Garcon, 109 yards and a TD and it's only the first quarter? Fuck yeah!

[FearedSanctity]

I tried to put Garcon in a minute before kick off but I was too late :mad:

[Ermaximus]

Good lord Buffalo, are you just that horrible on offense or are the Jets just that good on defense?

[#1-norm-fan]

At least the Saints have shut down Garcon this quarter... lol

[#1-norm-fan]

Rams defense showing some life.

[Evil Vito]

The Pats' 3 defensive rookies have come up huge already. Uh oh...they may have fixed their weakness.